Chronology of events

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Recently i documented the incidents (crisis in fact) that happened in the past over the years (for legal purposes) and it came out to 5 pages, and that was just the tip of the ice berg as I didn't wish to write a dreadful novel. Surprisingly after I did that I felt a sense of relief, that I made the correct and sane decision to leave, because I wasn't going to go through that ever. Anyone tried it and felt the same way? I would recommend it if you are seeking clarity of where you are now.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Recently i documented the incidents (crisis in fact) that happened in the past over the years (for legal purposes) and it came out to 5 pages, and that was just the tip of the ice berg as I didn't wish to write a dreadful novel. Surprisingly after I did that I felt a sense of relief, that I made the correct and sane decision to leave, because I wasn't going to go through that ever. Anyone tried it and felt the same way? I would recommend it if you are seeking clarity of where you are now.

[RedPill]

Hi LiB,
I wrote a short description of BPD-like incidents in my r/s and it was helpful to me. Seeing it laid out helped me to short-circuit the brainwashing that everything was my fault or that I did not do enough.
$0.02.
--
RP

[Lucky Jim]

I'm with you, LifeIsBeautiful, and think such an exercise is extremely useful.  As you note, it's often just the tip of the iceberg.  One of the reasons I continue to post on this site is to remind myself of the same thing -- that I made the right decision to leave.  LJ

[40days_in_desert]

I have 14 journals where I have written things as they happened and what I was feeling at the time. It also includes incidents from over the years that I wrote after the fact. I had looked through them about 6 months ago and was surprised mostly about how much blame I took on back then. Amazing. Yes, useful to help keep the FOG away when she still tries to roll in on me.

[Dark horse]

This is a really good idea I'm going to try.  I did write a quick synopsis of the "current state" just to remind myself of why I made the decision to leave.  However, now the more I read about the condition and that there is scientific studies showing "hope for improvement", I feel like both a "relationship failure" and a personal failure.  I'm also reading about being "codependent" for staying with my BPD husband for so long (and I think its true).    When I made the decision to leave, everything had  "sunk in" about where the relationship had been and where it was... .I realized I had a choice to make to try to break free or to "settle" for a lifetime of battling unhappiness in the relationship and personal depression.   I really want to be happy!  I remember I used to be a happy person.   I wonder how many spouses (who are emotionally healthy) would choose to stay with someone with BPD and use all the communication tools and techniques to try to heal someone, especially when that person refuses to consider therapy or medication?  It seems to me that only an amazingly healthy person would have the ability to weather such a storm, perhaps be later considered for beatification?    I'm truly glad to see that treatment of the illness and tools for the caregiver/partner have come so far - but reading about them now almost feels a little validating of my BPD partners complaints about my deficiencies.  And of course, expressing this here, validates my own codependent tendencies for sure.  My husband was never sexually unfaithful to me but recently he had started to have what seemed like "emotional affairs" with another woman.  Their friendship is quickly escalating in the midst of our separation.  Its incredibly painful to watch it unfold-- and he's still living in the house with me.    We haven't even signed our separation agreement and he's already lining up (probably unconsciously) his next caretaker.    Sigh.   
 

[Lucky Jim]

I feel like both a "relationship failure" and a personal failure.

Hey Dark horse, No, you're neither a failure at relationships nor a personal failure.  The sad reality is that most BPD relationships are not built to last.  The stress on the Non, in my view, is too great to sustain a r/s over the long haul.  Don't beat yourself up!  Yes, you deserve to be happy:

I really want to be happy!  I remember I used to be a happy person.

Many on this site are reluctant to leave because they fear the unknown, with good reason.  Yet what they fail to consider is that the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found.  At some point, I predict you will be grateful to have made the break. 

I doubt anyone actually "weathers the storm" without suffering serious losses to their self-esteem and self-confidence.  The abuse takes its toll.  Perhaps someone to be beatified can do it, but the rest of us are human.  Get used to it!  You're not perfect, but that's OK.

I would guess that most Nons have codependent tendencies, so give yourself a break.  You sort of have to be codependent to be in a r/s with a pwBPD, due to all the care-taking required. 

I'm sorry that you have to watch your H's new friendship develop, yet don't kid yourself: it will be just as challenging for the next person.

I admire your courage to make a change!  It really does get better.

LuckyJim

[Happy outside]

I've been trying to journal daily what life is like. But when I see it on paper, the things that set them off, is RIDICULOUS!  It's embarrassing to try to explain to an outsider the things that upset your spouse. Things that normal people don't fight about

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Totally agree. There is no need to explain to them as they wouldn't understand or even empathize unless they have been through it themselves. It's like stepping off from the carousel (to borrow an analogy from someone else) that was disorientating you and seeing it as it is. Plain "crazy/chaos making".

I've been trying to journal daily what life is like. But when I see it on paper, the things that set them off, is RIDICULOUS!  It's embarrassing to try to explain to an outsider the things that upset your spouse. Things that normal people don't fight about

[In a bad way]

I actually have tape recordings of her arguments, I say her arguments because she started them over things that either didn't exist or things that just weren't worth arguing over. Also on most I am not arguing I'm trying to calm her down and figure out what the hell is going on in her head to start in the first place, a switch went in her head and she want from nice to nasty in a second, having a great time with lots of laughter to acting crazy.
If I listen to a recording I shake my head in disbelief at the things she is saying, still wondering how she could have even believed it herself when she was saying it.
See when I tried to talk to her about the night before and how she had gone crazy for no reason she could never remember, there were 2 people inside her head. So she told me to record her so she could hear for herself, she would never listen to them though, whether that was because she would feel guilt and shame or if it was because it meant she would have to take resposibility for what she had said I don't know.
Maybe she was scared to listen to them or it was easier to blame me.
It hurts to listen to them but it also is a reminder of how mad it all was but it's only short term to me, I soon forget.

[Dark horse]

LuckyJim - Thanks for the cheerleading.  It helps so much!  Along the lines of your thoughts, one of my friends suggested to me that I stop thinking of the end of the relationship as a "failure" (which is the title of this section of the board).  She said, I needed to view it as a "success" -- because after being beaten down for so long, to be able to pull oneself up and out is a true act of strength and courage.  I'm going to keep repeating that (and your words of encouragement) to myself as I try to move out of the darkness into an unknown but brighter future. 

Thanks to everyone here for holding my hand.   My husband is moving out on Sunday.  4 days until more breathing room.