Avoided a recycle, I think...

[AustenJ]

I work with my diagnosed xBPDgf, and I think I just avoided a recycle attempt.

I had avoided her for almost 5 months, with very limited contact. She is happily with my replacement, preparing for a romantic trip to Italy in a few weeks and then planning to move in with him. He has a busy work schedule, so she has yet to be with him 24/7.

We used to spend a lot of time in each other's offices, but haven't at all for the past 5 months... .until she showed up last week because she did not see my vehicle in the parking lot, so she was worried about me... .really? She hasn't been worried about me for 5 months since she brutally discarded me... .and then she showed up both of the following 2 mornings friendly as can be... .she wanted to meet at our secret park to talk about things (meaning how could she keep me in her life as Plan B or as an orbiter)... .

She had an ex locally who she considered to be her BFF because they dated when she attempted suicide and he was there for her when she had major issues right at the end of college. They came to my town as a couple with marriage in their future. He had converted to Catholicism for her so they could have a big Catholic wedding... .until she started to incessantly cheat on him. So no marriage, but still BFFs. She would have dinner with him and his roommates once a week, and train with him... .they were both triathletes... .he continued to be her caretaker between failed relationships... .and I'm sure they were still having sex... .their attachment was much stronger than I ever thought until the brutal end.

The ex lover/BFF got layed off and was moving home during our relationship... .she had a total breakdown driven by his abandonment of her. Even though I tried to be there for her and we were living together at the time. She was drunk/crying/passing out and was spending every night with him (sleeping only on the couch, of course)... .she doesn't even remember those 2 weeks (dissociation). And then after coming home for 3 weeks she flew out to him for a 10 day holiday to determine if he was more than just a BFF to he. She told me that she had always imagined him being the one she would marry and have children with one day. She ended up discarding him as a romantic lover after the 10 day holiday and within a week started sleeping with our replacement who she is currently with.

Our replacement is a true Catholic, never married at 32, has a good job and owns his own house. And according to the ex is different. Different than anyone else she has ever dated (and there have been close to 100, I'm sure). And her circumstances are different this time... .she has girlfriends and she has her own space/bedroom at his house when she needs alone time (or until he gets tired of her crap and sends her to her room). And she is taking things slowly this time, but after 4 months with him, if he asked her to marry him tomorrow she would say yes! (her youngest and last brother just got married a few weeks ago so I'm sure that is triggering her).

She hasn't done anything to change her behavior or to address her BPD. She is just trying harder with this guy. And she sees a future with him. So if everything is so awesome with this guy, why is she trying to recycle me? She has texted me pics of her in a bikini from a girlfriends phone and she continues to violate my space at work. I think I know exactly why she is attempting a recycle--her BFF/Plan B/orbiter is now in New York and out of the picture. She wants me to fill that role. She has no one else to be that guy she triangulates all of her relationships with. She wants a back up plan although she is certain that this guy is "the one." She is saying all of the right things to me: She was the lucky one to have loved me; I really took care of her well; she loved our time together; I still love you as a person; thank you for taking care of me; you were amazing; sorry I was such a ___ to you; we had great times in your pool; we being BFFs doesn't scare me; I enjoyed how you explored my body; I loved going for rides in your convertible; let me change into a white tank top before you drench me in cold water; I want to continue being good work friends and part of the boys club; I'm sorry I hurt you; I thought we could hang out as friends; I still want to do happy hours with you... .

"But this new guy is different. I could never cheat on him. I'm no longer that girl. This is it. He's the one. Things won't go south in this relationship because I'm trying harder. And he is different. After Italy if it goes well I'm getting rid of my apartment and renting a room from him. But he wants to wait a year before we get engaged because he's been burned before. We talk about my BPD, but it hasn't been that bad recently. And I went to a therapist... .once. I haven't cut or purged in over a month. I know that no one can fix me, but I'm working on me. History will not repeat itself, it won't... .it can't. I don't want it to at least. I'm happy and working through my sh*t and trying to be a better person. I don't need therapy because he is different, so my mood has been more stabilized and under control... .he isn't the jealous type and gives me my space. I see a future with him. He's waiting a year so he's sure that I'm sure with us... .He doesn't want to wait a year but he knows that's best. He's been burned before so he wants me to know it's truly what I want. No, he wasn't burned by a borderline before, but with our dynamic it's different. I don't run away from him or cry as much or get as self destructive. We've been dating almost 5 months, but I know he is different already. If he proposed tomorrow I would say yes. I couldn't say that about anyone else I've been with. I love you, AustenJ, but I'm not "in love" with you.

Needless to say, I did not fall for the recycle. It was like I could step back and truly see her craziness... .like I was viewing a documentary on BPD. That's the definition of crazy... .doing the exact same things and expecting a different outcome. It is crazy. And it's a craziness that I don't want ever again in my life. We were supposed to ride on the same bus for a field trip. I talked to my boss and asked him to send her on a totally different field trip... .which he did. Looking forward to a long, crazy-free, summer break!

[Rayban]

AustenJ Good on you mate.

You've learned from the past, and as you say it's history repeating in her case, but a new beginning for you. Take pride in not getting back in the fog. It won't do you any good.  She's with somone else she plans to marry, as another orbiter who seems to have accepted his "special "role as a lifer. Dont be that guy.

I truly believe that they come back when things are going well for us. In your case working with her, she gets to see you looking and doing better, getting stronger. I believe she equates this to you not being interested in het. This is like abandonment to het. I believe they want to see is sad and not be able to cope with breakup. That way we are easier to be brought back in. She seems to know you're well liked "and" wants to be part of the boys. Either way of looking at it. Friendship with her, will most certainly involve you catching feelings for her, and having to live through the pain of seeing her romantically involved with other men.

Word of advice from somone who also use to work with my BPDex, don't letter enter your inner circle, and definitely don't do or say anything

 That might piss her off. Be polite, help with work matters, in other words don't do anything that might want to make her put your job in jeopardy 
Never underestimate what a scorned BPD might be capable of. Just be smart know what your dealing with.

[RomanticFool]

There's only one thing worse than a recycle. That's a back up recycle. Wtf does she think she is? Sounds alot like NPD rather than BPD. Unbelievable arrogance to think you'd fall for that again. She must be beautiful to get away with this stuff. Well done! Crazy free summer indeed. The best revenge is a life well lived! Great example. Thanks for posting.

[AustenJ]

Thanks for the advice, RayBan!

I informed our boss of the relationship a few months ago to head off a possible smear campaign. It never came to fruition at that time, but that doesn't mean that it can't happen in the future. I have known our boss for many years personally. In fact, his exwife was diagnosed BPD and bipolar--so he knows what I am going through. He had his suspicions about my ex soon after he hired her.

My ex is sad that none of my friends give her the time of day any more and that she is no longer part of the boys club (her potential supply). She has been applying for jobs out of town because she thinks staff is judging her and no one is friendly to her. I keep my mouth shut to her and behave professionally... .which kills her as she always attempts to catch my eye in meetings so she can flirt with me across the room.

Life's way too short. Why waste my love on someone who will never get the concept of true love?