Feeling Invalidated

[DearHusband]

Yesterday I was in D10s classroom taking video of kids for a graduation video. I had borrowed a high-end set up and was trying to do everything right. My wife saw the raw footage and was totally upset.

1. She didn't like the background. She wanted a plain grey background and I had put the kids in front of a periodic table and some books, which I thought was more interesting.

2. She didn't like how the kids didn't always look at the camera and sometimes looked down to read their answers from a piece of paper. I had reminded everyone to look at the camera prior to each persons sitting, but they just couldn't be that focussed.

Anyway, she's totally upset and going on about how I can't do anything right. This morning, she again told me how upset she was at what a lousy job I did. I feel pretty invalidated. I took time off work to make this happen, got the highest quality equipment with the best sound I could find, and enlisted the help of two other parents to make this work and took multiple takes to make iit as good as possible and all I get is criticism. I should be used to it by now, but I'm upset.

[DaddyBear77]

DearHusband - you did an amazing thing, and how it got executed (the gear, the background, the angles) - that's the absolute LEAST important aspect of what you did. You know that. WE know that. I'd suspect that somewhere inside your WIFE knows that, but I doubt she's ready to share that.

Here's something to consider: Sometimes, I've found, that the most invalidating, critical comments and attitudes from our pwBPD come from a place of jealousy and disappointment - in THEMSELVES, NOT us - but they project it onto us, and it really hurts. ESPECIALLY when we tried really hard to make something happen. Maybe she wishes she had done something like that? Maybe she saw the finished product, and it reminded her of how she wasn't "there" when maybe she really wanted to be / knew she should be.

It probably has very little to do with yesterday's events - it's probably from long standing regrets and resentments.

Also, think about this - who else is going to see this video? How many of them would agree with your wife's critical comments vs how many of them are going to LOVE seeing their 10 year old do whatever it was they were doing? Do you think they'll really care if their kid didn't always look at the camera? Do you think at least some of them (if not most of them) will appreciate the periodic table and the books? For F's sake, this isn't a TED talk! Plain grey background? THEY'RE KIDS for f's sake! Rainbows! Bright colors! Science! Explosions! You get the idea.

It sounds like you did a great thing DH - and if no one else says this (which I doubt) - great job! Really impressive!

[DearHusband]

Thanks FF,

I've reached the point where the backlash doesn't bother me s much so I've been calling her on things more. If she takes a dig at me, I say, "That was a dig." Nothing more, but I do it every time. After enough times, she stops. Anyway, I told her I was feeling invalidated via text. It went surprisingly well.

Me:
I feel totally invalidated by you.

HER:
I'll bet 99% would agree with me.
I'm not going to validate you. It was a very poor choice.

Me:
You are not supportive.

HER:
I appreciate you taking time to do it but you made some poor choices. Please see if you can crop out some of the background.
But thank you for doing it.

HER (hours later):
I'm sorry. Thank you for doing your best. It'll work out fine.

Jaw dropped

[teapay]

DH, Glad to see your efforts at being true to yourself and being consistent in holding boundaries with your W is paying off and getting jaw dropping responses.  As you’ve probably seen already, these efforts should continue to pay off as you keep it up, even if it is just you receiving the benefits of a stronger self, more self respect and more control over your life.  Likely your kids will also benefit by you doing those nice and loving things for them, regardless what your W or any other person says.  The fear of the blow back you got from your W keeps many a father from doing things like that to their own and their kids loss.  Moreover, your W apology is actually good thing for her.  It is something you can validate by positively acknowledging.  Hopefully, over time she will learn that taking accountability of her actions and making restitution for things done to others is a winning strategy for more enriched life.   In that sense, your boundaries are a kindness.  Maybe she won’t ever make that connection or learn that life lesson, but ultimately that will be her loss.