Partner keeps dumping me and coming back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone. This is gonna be hard to write as it's so fresh. 5 years ago, I met a guy online who was 5 years younger than I, and we ended up getting into a relationship. He was amazing, affectionate, kind, funny... .Not long in, I started noticing little white lies and odd behavior. He'd flip very quickly and start shouting when we disagreed, even though I was trying to speak calmly about the problems. Also, our intimate life went from loving and caring, to nothing at all. No sex, kisses, hugs. If I mentioned it, he called me a pervert! Something was very wrong! He even sold gifts that I got him, opened accounts with catalogues in my name, got me in debt and cheated on me! He went for drinks with co-workers and never came home. I had a call from the hospital at 8am saying that he was in there, almost in ICU with alcohol poisoning. This became a regular occurrence. He'd go drinking and not come home until the following day.
 He had a bad past. His mum had abandoned him, his dad had hung himself and his older sister was killed in a road accident. He had nobody except me and I blamed his behavior on all of this.
2 years later, He randomly up and left me for six weeks. I was crushed. During this time, i discovered that his Dad was alive and his sister never existed, despite having her name tattooed to his wrist. I then found out he'd been to prison in his past. I knew none of this.  I then discovered that he was telling his co-workers that I abuse him, mentally and physically! He couldn't stop lying, whether it be little white lies or huge, life changing ones! I was shattered. I'd done nothing but loved him! But he returned and said he wanted me to get him some help for his disorder, so I did. We ended up back together and I thought things would get better, but they got worse. He stopped seeing the docs, never had meds.
He's had 14 jobs since he came to live with me and never seems to settle anywhere. Longer story short, in January, he dumped me again, quit his job, abandoned his dog (with me), got his own place and started drinking heavily. He also became obsessed with dating sites and hookin up with strangers. His friend has told me that she saw hundreds of messages from guys on his phone. He added 600 guys to his Facebook within a week of leaving me. His friends soon started seeing his odd behavior for themselves and they contacted me to apologise for believing that I was abusive. His lies all unraveled and he had to eventually admit to most of it. Now, in March, he wanted to try again. This time, I was sure that he'd seen the light and was serious, so I agreed, hoping it would get better, but it didn't. I seem to have been there just to pay his rent and buy him things (including a rabbit :-/)  on Saturday, he dumped me again and now says that he loves me and my company, but doesn't want me as a partner.  I know that I'm better off without all of this in my life, but I still miss him and that's telling me that, clearly, I have my own issues. Why would I miss someone who treats me like this? . My daily routine is a mess! I seem to have forgotten how to just be myself and I just wish things would go back to the good days, even though he's beat me up, cheated on me, lied to me, stole from me... . I'd still go back if he'd get help, and that's worrying. Does anyone else feel like this? Do you think he'll try to return once again? Am I going mad?  Thanks for reading.

[UKguy]

Hi everyone. This is gonna be hard to write as it's so fresh. 5 years ago, I met a guy online who was 5 years younger than I, and we ended up getting into a relationship. He was amazing, affectionate, kind, funny... .Not long in, I started noticing little white lies and odd behavior. He'd flip very quickly and start shouting when we disagreed, even though I was trying to speak calmly about the problems. Also, our intimate life went from loving and caring, to nothing at all. No sex, kisses, hugs. If I mentioned it, he called me a pervert! Something was very wrong! He even sold gifts that I got him, opened accounts with catalogues in my name, got me in debt and cheated on me! He went for drinks with co-workers and never came home. I had a call from the hospital at 8am saying that he was in there, almost in ICU with alcohol poisoning. This became a regular occurrence. He'd go drinking and not come home until the following day.
 He had a bad past. His mum had abandoned him, his dad had hung himself and his older sister was killed in a road accident. He had nobody except me and I blamed his behavior on all of this.
2 years later, He randomly up and left me for six weeks. I was crushed. During this time, i discovered that his Dad was alive and his sister never existed, despite having her name tattooed to his wrist. I then found out he'd been to prison in his past. I knew none of this.  I then discovered that he was telling his co-workers that I abuse him, mentally and physically! He couldn't stop lying, whether it be little white lies or huge, life changing ones! I was shattered. I'd done nothing but loved him! But he returned and said he wanted me to get him some help for his disorder, so I did. We ended up back together and I thought things would get better, but they got worse. He stopped seeing the docs, never had meds.
He's had 14 jobs since he came to live with me and never seems to settle anywhere. Longer story short, in January, he dumped me again, quit his job, abandoned his dog (with me), got his own place and started drinking heavily. He also became obsessed with dating sites and hookin up with strangers. His friend has told me that she saw hundreds of messages from guys on his phone. He added 600 guys to his Facebook within a week of leaving me. His friends soon started seeing his odd behavior for themselves and they contacted me to apologise for believing that I was abusive. His lies all unraveled and he had to eventually admit to most of it. Now, in March, he wanted to try again. This time, I was sure that he'd seen the light and was serious, so I agreed, hoping it would get better, but it didn't. I seem to have been there just to pay his rent and buy him things (including a rabbit :-/)  on Saturday, he dumped me again and now says that he loves me and my company, but doesn't want me as a partner.  I know that I'm better off without all of this in my life, but I still miss him and that's telling me that, clearly, I have my own issues. Why would I miss someone who treats me like this? . My daily routine is a mess! I seem to have forgotten how to just be myself and I just wish things would go back to the good days, even though he's beat me up, cheated on me, lied to me, stole from me... . I'd still go back if he'd get help, and that's worrying. Does anyone else feel like this? Do you think he'll try to return once again? Am I going mad?  Thanks for reading.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi there! Thank you for sharing your story.

You hit the nail on the head: why would you want someone who treats you badly?

Listen hun, I've been there. You mentioned that you have issues. Yes, we all do if we want something that is bad for us, unhealthy.

Will he return for round three? Who knows. Mine returned 13x... .until she didn't. I took 13 rounds of abuse and you want to know whose fault that was?

Mine.

I advise you use this time wisely and think about what the ideal partner is to you. List his attributes and list his faults.

I bet I know which list is longer.

Your post reminds me of me several years ago. Go read some of my first posts. It's like a soap opera. I read them now and think, why did I subject myself to this?

You seem very aware and level headed. Think about what you wrote. Re read it and really think about it.

This guy made up family members. He lied to you, he cheated. He went to prison. Is this on your list of attributes for the ideal partner?

There is better out there. I know you can't see it right now but you love the idea that this person could be the love of your life but what he has shown you is a stark contrast.

He is showing you who he is. Believe it. Believe what he is showing you and not the good you WANT to see in him. 

 

[Keepingreal]

Wow, Pretty Woman, this really resonated with me right now: He is showing you who he is. Believe it. Believe what he is showing you and not the good you WANT to see in him.

[K.G.]

I think everyone feels or has felt like you do at some time. The good times are amazing and the bad times are beyond belief. I keep having to ask myself why I keep wanting to put my hand in the flame? I have rationalised it to myself by saying it is because I do love my ex, he is a nice man and has many amazing characteristics that I may never find again in anyone else - and it is hard to just say 'I give up', 'I am walking away' and take steps into the unknown - especially when you just crave the flavour of what you have experienced. I have been going no-contact for a while now and, although it is a cliche, it is getting easier. My mind is pushing aside the good things I remember and the love I crave from him and instead is remembering the bad times:

- the rages;
- the constant criticism of me;
- the constant demands;
- the lies;
- the triangulation;
- the physical abuse;
- the weeks on end of silent treatment;
- the blocking of my calls.

Wow, when I list it it all comes alive - I mean, who should put up with all of that type of behaviour? I don't even know what was true anymore. I believe that my ex never really bonded with me - I don't know if people with BPD can really love and respect someone, unless they are properly and consistently treated. No-one can tell you what to do; for me, I have found that distancing myself has helped me restore a sense of peace. I also started therapy just to talk about the loneliness. The only advice I can give, is do not have too many expectations of the person with BPD - the character is volatile and an amazing period can flip in an instant into weeks on end of dismissive behaviour. Make sure that you are fully prepared for any eventuality and do not expect the early days of the relationship to become the 'norm'. What you are experiencing right now is the 'norm' - and you have to ask yourself if you are strong enough for it.

[UKguy]

Sorry for delay. I couldn't figure how to reply as I'm using my phone. Lol!  Thank you all for your replies. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this, but sad that it seems common, too.
I'm having a bad day. I'm dying to call or text him, yet I can't fathom why. I know that he'll never change. I also believe that there is someone else and I can't help but wonder if he'll treat them better than he treat me. :-/ I keep forgetting that he abused me, and in my head, I'm just missing the person that took me on a romantic break and proposed to me, just a couple of years ago!
Because he denied us sex or any kind of intimacy (kissing and hugging), I'm not a bit fearful of it with someone else. I wont repeat the things he's said about my body parts, but they were evil and not even true, but those words do stick in my mind.  He even said I look like I have aids as I'm quite skinny. I've always been skinny, but I don't think I look unhealthy. :-/ Its just all going around in my head.
He called me last night to formally end the relationship and said he loves me like family, and kisses my company, but doesn't want to be with me. He ended it with   "at least you know I love you, 'cos I stuck around all that time, even though I didn't wanna be with you, FOR YOU". What a backhanded and horrible thing to say, but he believes he was being nice. :-/  He's left numerous times and always returns. Can't help but wonder if he'll try this time, but also wonder what my response will be if he does. I need to be strong.
Thank you all for your time. X

[CorsaG19]

 

Hi UKguy

Your story sounds very similar to mine.  

She spends a lot of time meeting people online for sex. When we first met i was just going to be another one of these girls. I thought i was special because she temporary stopped this and wanted to be with me. Nope... .im just a nice person who gave her everything she wanted until i complained and off she went off to frequent the sites again.

She makes no attempt to contact me for a few days and this is when shes off dating. Soon as they see the real her shes back trying to call me. Ive blocked her now but constantly see her calls rejected on my phone log. Go 4/5 days a time. Theres always someone else. And they treat them better than us at first. But that never lasts. They soon slip into their real persona

When she moved in with me she would call me fat as she knew this was something i was self conscious about. Funny thing is is shes bigger than me! God forbid i made a fat comment to her though.

I had the same issue about sex. She was honest in the beginning about all the people she had slept with. Even cried to me about how she didnt even know half their names. Used to say she was just trying to feel something. Anything. Because she felt empty. Sex was strange though. Was always me doing things to her. She would instruct me in what to do. Would always finish by masterbating. Was over very quickly. In the end it was non existent. She just wanted to cuddle me in bed (never me her). It made me feel awful about myself and in the end was one of the reasons we argued and she left. But someone on here described it perfectly and made me feel much better. They said something along the lines of BPD sufferers are unable to feel and be intimate. They hate intimacy. And because of this they only get gratification from masterbating and watching porn. This really made sense because before we lived together she used to always tell me when she was doing either of these things... .and it was most nights!

She also finished things much like your ex. How she loves me but as a friend. And how she tried 'for me' even though she didnt feel the same. Most annoying thing is she was the one constantly pushing to be together. To move in with me.

As much as people advise that NC is the best thing you ultimately love him still and will do as you feel us best. My ex left 4 weeks ago. My longest period of NC is 5 days and every day that went by i honestly felt better and less 'trapped' by her. Today it broke. She emailed me to ask if she could see my little girl and i gave in. I think i was testing myself really to see how i felt. We spent the day together. The 3 of us. And she kept questioning me about my sex life since she left. Quick to let me know about hers and dates she has lined up. I know seeing my little girl was an excuse to just see me but i honestly feel good now. And plan on NC being a lot longer this time!

So yes it is the best option. But youll come to see that in your own time x

[RomanticFool]

Hi UkGuy,

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I am going through a very similar thing and my exBPD married lover basically made it impossible for us to continue together. i walked away hoping she would come after me (via texting) as she has so often done in the past, but she never did this time.

I urge you not to contact this man. No matter how much you love him, it is abuse. Nothing good can come of you staying with him. He has devalued and discarded you and you deserve so much better. There a million wonderful people out there who will cherish you. Don't sell yourself short. To go back is to settle for hamburger when you could have steak.

I would urge you to look at the top of this board and check out the reading material. Particularly the development of a borderline relationship. Also the abandonment cycle was very helpful to me.

I would encourage you to look at yourself and why you felt the need to stay with somebody who abuses you. I have posted quite a bit about looking at my own behaviour and my own traits. Have a look and see if any of it resonates with you.

You have been through a traumatic time. Look after yourself and stay close to this board. We are all here for you.

RomanticFool

[UKguy]

Wow, these are so interesting and very familiar! It's really eerie!
Thanks for sharing these stories with me. It really helps. Especially the small details!
I'm remembering one time, we were at the mall and for some reason that I forget, I went to a store and left him with my bank card.  When we met back up, he looked ashamed and was carrying a bag. I asked what he'd bought an he said that a salesman convinced him to buy £60 worth of soap! I almost passed out! He didn't want the soap, but he doesn't like saying no. I immediately asked for the bag and returned it and asked for a refund, but Nial was horrified and stormed off, leaving me to go home by myself.  I was so confused! I didn't yell at him or anything. I was annoyed at the salesman for pressuring him.

Little update: he just called me out of the blue to tell me that one of our fave singers has a new song released, and then he stayed on for an hour to tell me about his work and little updates. We only spoke yesterday. I'm trying to go no contact but he keeps contacting me. Does this mean he misses me?  :-/

[Idsrvt2]

I've been there, if u read back thru my earlier posts of my history. The push pull is abuse. What you have experienced is abuse.  :)o you have domestic abuse councilor in the U.K.? My councilor here in the states has been excellent.

My BPD x told me when he dumped me he feels no connection with its people and he did not know what to do.  I didn't know until after he dumped me and served me with a false restraining order what he meant and that the personality disorder he said he had was most likely BPD.

If you stay nc and look into counciling of some kind it does get better.  It will take time and a lot of days where you feel like you will never feel ok again.  You will feel better.  I only miss the fact my x massaged my neck for me .
I don't miss him wanting to sleep on his floor in a room with a computer vs in bed with me
Him dropping me off home early so he could run home
Him needing two beers just to go out in public
Him carrying a loaded firearm on him
Him telling me his sister thinks poorly of me
Him breaking up with me every Friday, usually after I expressed how I hated being left at home alone
Him asking me to move in with him, then him dumping me
Him using his job to upset and abuse me before I had to work
Himtexting asking how we could go in peace and then slamming me with a protection order

Him walking in front of my car

I don't miss the instability and I don't think you will either.   BPD in general cannot form bonds he called you because he is filling a void ... .it's sad but true

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear UKguy-
I'm sorry you're hurting so much.  I, too feel your pain.  Everyday is a struggle and I'm still asking myself if I made a mistake in letting him go this time and not letting him come back.  I have always let him return after his threats and rages - probably 10 times in the last 3.5 years.

It's difficult to understand why people with BPD maintain contact after leaving us and belittling us the way they do... .but other ex-partners maintain contact too.  Could be he's bored, the thought of you popped into his head, or for that moment he did miss you.  Your choice if you're trying to keep NC is to not answer the phone for a bit to help yourself heal.  He realizes that you're still available to him, so when he has a lonely moment, he may reach for you.  You'll know when you feel strong enough to let the phone just ring through.  It may take you a bit more time.  I ask myself a question- "do I have control over this?".  And my control is in how I respond - whether I answer a call or a text or even the door.

I have been through immense devaluation with my ex-BPDbf -don't know if anyone else will want me... .but with the way he treated me and nearly emptied my soul, being alone is the less painful option now.  It's only been 32 days since he left, and I think 21 days since the last contact.  It does get easier being without him.  I keep writing letters to myself - reminding myself of the way he treated me - the lies, the stealing, the screaming, the abuse... .and me waiting for my prince to return.  My prince, my perfect lover, was here for the first 2 months and then poof! Gone... .

All my best to you,
Gemsforeyes

[UKguy]

Again, thank you for your replies. You're getting me through this. I have to be brutally honest with you all and myself (cos I'm lying to others). I'm missing him. That's what bothers me the most. And then I remind myself of the really bad moments. It's been about 6 months since we'd had sex and I mentioned it. I was smiling when I said it and meant it light heartedly. ":)ya realise its 6 months since we had sex?". His face dropped and he flipped and started yelling "oh here we go again, you F-ing pervert. You gonna dump me if I don't shag you? Is that it?  Is that all you think about? Ok, fine, here!". He then pulled down his tracksuit bottoms, grabbed me and forced my hand on to his private parts and held it there whilst screaming "go on then, do what you F-ing want!". I tried to pull back but he's 6'7 and much stronger than me. It was horrible. He let go and I just stormed downstairs in a daze. Was that sexual assault, yet he was making me assault him? :-/ obviously, I wouldn't dump him without sex because we rarely had sex and I never walked away or even cheated in 5 years! I still can't believe the things I'm typing out here. I think I need some help to deal with all this stuff. He called again earlier, btw, to talk about music and work again!

[RomanticFool]

Hi UKGuy,

I posted the following on this board for another member yesterday, thought you might find some of it useful too:

It once took me ten years to get over an ex girlfriend. In my case what I have discovered is that I have severe co-dependency issues. Co-dependency is a learned behaviour that can be passed down from one generation to another. ... .It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. What I didn't realise all those years ago is that what I was trying to deal with is addiction.

Some people call it love addiction. In short, what we are addicted to are the bad feelings, the drama and the sense that without this person life is boring. Nothing could be further from the truth. This woman was not your soulmate no matter how much it might feel like that. Remember feelings are not facts. It is your head telling you this because it wants its fix of love.

I have managed to kick alcohol by going to AA. The methodology there is to admit we are powerless over people, places and things, and get in touch with a power greater than ourselves, as we cannot do this alone. In order to get over my addiction to my exBPD married lover, I am treating this board as my higher power.

The rumination is happening because you think you need the fix, but you don't. You have managed your life for the last four months perfectly well from what you are saying. You are doing the right thing, by posting about the problem in here. Never sit alone with it because then, the moody period can overtake you. Get up, go for a walk, ring a friend, and you will find that this too shall pass, as we say in AA.

I also use the serenity prayer as a mantra: God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Incdentally, I am not religious in anyway. I think when AA first started it was religious but has modernised and most people in the rooms are secular and the higher power is often things like, nature or love. It doesn't matter what it is so long as it isn't you!

The other thing you must do is look at your own behaviour and emotional life. What is it in your background that makes this kind of Co-dependent relationship draw you and stay in it? What was your relationship with your mother like? Do you have any emotional dysfunction or dysregulation in your life? I find it difficult to control my anger when I get emotional. I also have an abandonment complex and have felt empty throughout my life. I can be empathically impaired when stressed. I suffer mild depression and a bit of OCD. It is said that we find partners who are our emotional equals. Understanding yourself will help you to let go.

Hope some of that is useful.

[RomanticFool]

I also wanted to say UKGuy that what happened between you is sexual assault. BY HIM ON YOU. Do not allow this man back into your life. You have made the break now please stick to it. It sounds to me as if his behaviour could escalate into something far more serious. I think he is a potential physical danger to you and I urge you to keep away. The fact that he calls you a pervert for wanting sex in a relationship, shows his emotional and behavioural dysregulation. That is a horrible thing to say to you and a massive over reaction to the situation. He cannot control himself and may take things out on you even further. Please find someone who is healthy enough to return your love and affection. This man is using you.

[lovenature]

It will never stop as long as you continue responding to him because it shows him an attachment is still in place.
Go total NC, learn as much as you can about BPD and your role in it. Give yourself the respect you deserve and don't continue being someone's orbiter/option. It does get better when you choose to get off the crazy train.