more recycle revelations

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As my diagnosed xBPDgf continues to try and recycle me, she continues to open up and share experiences from her past. The recycle has almost been like a truth serum for her in that she thinks if she shares intimate details of her past she will be able to reactivate my rescuer instinct and will be able to retain me as a friend/plan B/orbiter/triangulator. Her previous ex/BFF/plan B/orbiter/triangulator of
5 LONG YEARS moved out of state in November.

This was the guy she triangulated every single relationship with since she graduated from college. She followed him here for his job as his girlfriend whom he wanted to marry. They never really lived together because she is promiscuous and would have sex with so many men; so soon after getting here, they were not a couple; he could not handle her cheating, but still loved her and wanted to marry her.

Fast forward to our 5 month relationship... .even though we were deeply into our relationship, and I knew this guy was her BFF, I had no idea she had recycled him so many times and that he was her primary attachment: I was in the fog and truly believed he was just a friend... .the 2 weeks before he left town, she was a mess and virtually spent those 2 weeks at his place even though she was living with me... .she was drunk, crying, emotionally disregulated... .but I still saw her at work every day... .she swore she was only sleeping on his couch because of our relationship... .she was still wearing my engagement ring... .but would show up to work wearing it on the wrong hand or not wearing it at all because it didn't go with her outfit. At the time she said she didn't even recall what happened those 2 weeks... .but I'm sure she was not sleeping on the couch and they were having sex... .and I'm pretty sure she didn't even tell him about my existence. She came home to me for a few weeks only to tell me that she was leaving me for 10 days over OUR holiday break which we had already made plans for to be with this same BFF, because they were going to do an intervention with his alcoholic father... .a mission of mercy. And still deeply in the FOG, I rationalized it because I knew she had a big heart, until I saw her FB posts of them on a romantic ski trip, kissing and cuddling. When she returned she discarded the both of us with no empathy of course and moved on to our replacement within a few days. A new guy she is taking things slowly with but he wants to marry her after 3 months... .

so 5 months after my discard, I'm in counseling and focusing on myself, and pretty much LC/NC with ex when she starts love bombing me again in an attempt to recycle me, but just as a friend, since things are going so well with my replacement... .but she still has an attachment to me, especially since her BFF of 5 years is no longer available, and the end of the school year (we are both teachers) is quickly approaching so that is triggering her abandonment issues also. I would be the "perfect" BFF for her since her boyfriend is not a teacher and works late, travels often, and does not have the summers off and is not the jealous type (so yes, a recipe for disaster for them... .as I recall, none of us were initially the jealous types either until we were eviscerated by pwBPD!) So now that the FOG has lifted I can see this for what it is in that she wants me to take the place of her past BFF... .so now that she's back in the intimate honesty stage, I'm getting some answers to curiosities I have had about her struggles with BPD. Am I worried about re-igniting my attachment to her? No, because I have been in therapy, and I still remember vividly the discard and how cruel she was and summer break is here within the week so I'll have an additional 3 months of no contact under my belt... .and I know she will never change and her current relationship will come crashing down also.

She had told me when we were together that her BFF was just that... .I knew he was an ex lover... .but she indicated that the romantic involvement was over years ago (don't laugh, this was before I really knew about BPD). This past week she revealed very matter-of-factly (no empathy) that she had gone back to this BFF in a sexual way after EVERY one of her failed relationships... .which there have been dozens of! I can't say that really surprised me, knowing her cheating ways, but it was still a bit revealing about the depths of her disorder. He allowed himself to get recycled dozens of times, knowing she was sleeping with tons of guys between recycles. WOW
"We both would date but we always came back to each other when those relationships wouldn't work out for us. We were always best friends and felt comfortable with each other. So it never worked out with other people for us and it just happened that way. We dated for most of those five years of and on... .from 2012-2014, then dated again later on, and then another time or two after that probably." (ummmm what about all of your other"serious" relationships that you shared with me?) "But I wouldn't classify as dating really in those in between times. We never were official or anything" (just F buddies). "We both kept our options open for those following years because I was always dating around." (you mean screwing around)

Later when I said it hurt me and us when she recycled her BFF in November and then again in December of last year, she said,"Quit pretending that you know everything I did or or how I felt or what I was going through (again, not much empathy here). "You act like I intentionally plan to hurt a person. If you think I'm that cold and heartless, then you don't know me. I don't mean to do that to someone. I act on emotions and impulses. I sometimes feel out of control and out of my body. I just act on my impulses and what I need to satisfy myself at that time. I don't think about consequences at times or how it'll affect me or others. Afterward I hate myself and try to change but it hasn't been easy. I have issues, remember? I'm not perfect. I suck at times. I just hurt too and feel bad."

I just wanted to share her comments, to give us a peek into the disordered brain of a pwBPD. Her thoughts are nothing that I didn't know already through my research into BPD, but it's just so tragic to hear it from the horse's mouth. I will not be her recycled BFF. I told her I will not be that guy that she used to destroy our relationship and many of her other relationships. I can't do it. I have a heart. And that behavior would completely destroy me--heart. mind, body and soul. I commented on her self-awareness in that that is her first step in managing her BPD. But she has known this about herself when she was diagnosed BPD years ago. It's not enough for her to simply know this about herself. She has to make a commitment to undergo intense DBT therapy and perhaps use drugs to control her impulsiveness and anxiety... .but she has been there and tried that and dropped out of treatment, because she thinks she should be strong enough to control BPD on her own... .sad and tragic. Her relationships will continue to fail, but I refuse to be her plan B. I'm better than that.

[AustenJ]

As my diagnosed xBPDgf continues to try and recycle me, she continues to open up and share experiences from her past. The recycle has almost been like a truth serum for her in that she thinks if she shares intimate details of her past she will be able to reactivate my rescuer instinct and will be able to retain me as a friend/plan B/orbiter/triangulator. Her previous ex/BFF/plan B/orbiter/triangulator of
5 LONG YEARS moved out of state in November.

This was the guy she triangulated every single relationship with since she graduated from college. She followed him here for his job as his girlfriend whom he wanted to marry. They never really lived together because she is promiscuous and would have sex with so many men; so soon after getting here, they were not a couple; he could not handle her cheating, but still loved her and wanted to marry her.

Fast forward to our 5 month relationship... .even though we were deeply into our relationship, and I knew this guy was her BFF, I had no idea she had recycled him so many times and that he was her primary attachment: I was in the fog and truly believed he was just a friend... .the 2 weeks before he left town, she was a mess and virtually spent those 2 weeks at his place even though she was living with me... .she was drunk, crying, emotionally disregulated... .but I still saw her at work every day... .she swore she was only sleeping on his couch because of our relationship... .she was still wearing my engagement ring... .but would show up to work wearing it on the wrong hand or not wearing it at all because it didn't go with her outfit. At the time she said she didn't even recall what happened those 2 weeks... .but I'm sure she was not sleeping on the couch and they were having sex... .and I'm pretty sure she didn't even tell him about my existence. She came home to me for a few weeks only to tell me that she was leaving me for 10 days over OUR holiday break which we had already made plans for to be with this same BFF, because they were going to do an intervention with his alcoholic father... .a mission of mercy. And still deeply in the FOG, I rationalized it because I knew she had a big heart, until I saw her FB posts of them on a romantic ski trip, kissing and cuddling. When she returned she discarded the both of us with no empathy of course and moved on to our replacement within a few days. A new guy she is taking things slowly with but he wants to marry her after 3 months... .

so 5 months after my discard, I'm in counseling and focusing on myself, and pretty much LC/NC with ex when she starts love bombing me again in an attempt to recycle me, but just as a friend, since things are going so well with my replacement... .but she still has an attachment to me, especially since her BFF of 5 years is no longer available, and the end of the school year (we are both teachers) is quickly approaching so that is triggering her abandonment issues also. I would be the "perfect" BFF for her since her boyfriend is not a teacher and works late, travels often, and does not have the summers off and is not the jealous type (so yes, a recipe for disaster for them... .as I recall, none of us were initially the jealous types either until we were eviscerated by pwBPD!) So now that the FOG has lifted I can see this for what it is in that she wants me to take the place of her past BFF... .so now that she's back in the intimate honesty stage, I'm getting some answers to curiosities I have had about her struggles with BPD. Am I worried about re-igniting my attachment to her? No, because I have been in therapy, and I still remember vividly the discard and how cruel she was and summer break is here within the week so I'll have an additional 3 months of no contact under my belt... .and I know she will never change and her current relationship will come crashing down also.

She had told me when we were together that her BFF was just that... .I knew he was an ex lover... .but she indicated that the romantic involvement was over years ago (don't laugh, this was before I really knew about BPD). This past week she revealed very matter-of-factly (no empathy) that she had gone back to this BFF in a sexual way after EVERY one of her failed relationships... .which there have been dozens of! I can't say that really surprised me, knowing her cheating ways, but it was still a bit revealing about the depths of her disorder. He allowed himself to get recycled dozens of times, knowing she was sleeping with tons of guys between recycles. WOW
"We both would date but we always came back to each other when those relationships wouldn't work out for us. We were always best friends and felt comfortable with each other. So it never worked out with other people for us and it just happened that way. We dated for most of those five years of and on... .from 2012-2014, then dated again later on, and then another time or two after that probably." (ummmm what about all of your other"serious" relationships that you shared with me?) "But I wouldn't classify as dating really in those in between times. We never were official or anything" (just F buddies). "We both kept our options open for those following years because I was always dating around." (you mean screwing around)

Later when I said it hurt me and us when she recycled her BFF in November and then again in December of last year, she said,"Quit pretending that you know everything I did or or how I felt or what I was going through (again, not much empathy here). "You act like I intentionally plan to hurt a person. If you think I'm that cold and heartless, then you don't know me. I don't mean to do that to someone. I act on emotions and impulses. I sometimes feel out of control and out of my body. I just act on my impulses and what I need to satisfy myself at that time. I don't think about consequences at times or how it'll affect me or others. Afterward I hate myself and try to change but it hasn't been easy. I have issues, remember? I'm not perfect. I suck at times. I just hurt too and feel bad."

I just wanted to share her comments, to give us a peek into the disordered brain of a pwBPD. Her thoughts are nothing that I didn't know already through my research into BPD, but it's just so tragic to hear it from the horse's mouth. I will not be her recycled BFF. I told her I will not be that guy that she used to destroy our relationship and many of her other relationships. I can't do it. I have a heart. And that behavior would completely destroy me--heart. mind, body and soul. I commented on her self-awareness in that that is her first step in managing her BPD. But she has known this about herself when she was diagnosed BPD years ago. It's not enough for her to simply know this about herself. She has to make a commitment to undergo intense DBT therapy and perhaps use drugs to control her impulsiveness and anxiety... .but she has been there and tried that and dropped out of treatment, because she thinks she should be strong enough to control BPD on her own... .sad and tragic. Her relationships will continue to fail, but I refuse to be her plan B. I'm better than that.

[Pretty Woman]

I have a question. Maybe you can help me here: How can you be friends (LC) with someone who treated you so terribly in a relationship? I honestly don't mean this rudely (text/typing can sometimes come across with little emotion).

I ask this only because I am curious. I wanted nothing to do with my ex after she callously dumped me for a mutual friend, so I became public enemy #1. I am blocked, slandered, the whole nine yards. She won't ever approach me again. She knows better, and she would likely die from the rejection/shame. She would not put herself in that position.

My ex still has exes she talks to. When she was with me she talked horribly about them as far as their past relationship went but when we were not doing well (she was picking fights with me) or the "occasion" fit (like a big birthday party or function where she needed friends to attend), these people were the GREATEST people in the world, her best friends, "the one who got away" or "The Love of her life".

When we were dating she was talking to two exes. As you mentioned your ex's MAIN person, these two were her main people. In fact she left both of them for the other, several times over a seven year period. She even left one of them on the other side of the country to run back to the other.

and they STILL talk to her... .seven years later.

During our relationship I was left for one of these MAIN persons who she then left to come back to me. I think this woman thought time had passed and she "changed". Wrong. She was groomed, worshiped and then callously dumped.

I was a wreck at the time, jealous but then it hit me... .anyone who would sign up for more abuse from this woman has more issues than I do. If you think they are horrible at being committed lovers, I can honestly say, with 0 commitment, as "friends" it's much worse. They use you for emotional support when something isn't working in THEIR favor and then ignore you sighting "it's not fair" to their brand new, shiny lover when they decide to stick with them. All it is is a lot of heartbreak.
Nothing is worse than hearing about their new love being the best person they ever met, a real man/woman. They say this and mean it in the moment. Because they lack empathy, they don't even see how this wounds us, people who loved them. Then, when you show even the slightest emotion they berate you for not "getting over it" and then desert you once again.

It truly is a no-win situation.

It is very interesting what you wrote about "truth serum". I agree that it is a tactic to rope you back in. For a moment you get a glance of the person you THOUGHT you loved, that person at the beginning of your relationship, but as always, that moment is fleeting and it's back to square one... .

lying in a crumpled mess on the dance floor, crying your eyes out.

[FSTL]

Great post.

Timely as my uBPDx just messaged me today wanting to "have coffee". She also told me she was cutting down on her therapy (for depression/anxiety), which I took as a likely regression on her part as she is, like your X, desperate to be in control of her emotions and way to keen to cut down on her therapy.

Your description of her projection/shaming/blameshifting and impulsiveness and how that is her excuse for every hurtful thing she does (ie no empathy) could have been said by my uBPDx.

Glad to read it because intellectually I know I don't want to be in close contact with my Ex, but emotionally (deep down inside) I still harbour automatic/unintended feelings. Reinforcement (like reading your experience) always helps and I did say no to the coffee    !

[once removed]

AustenJ,

a "recycle" occurs when two willing parties resuscitate a relationship. i dont read anything in your interactions that this is the intent of either of you.

there is a lot of reading all of her statements/actions/your interactions with her through the prism of BPD, and i think this may be clouding things.

do you want to be friends with her? more? less?

[FSTL]

I have a question. Maybe you can help me here: How can you be friends (LC) with someone who treated you so terribly in a relationship?
lying in a crumpled mess on the dance floor, crying your eyes out.

I don't think you can be friends with a BPDx, based on my experience.

Luckily I can't dance, so would never get on the dance floor!

But seriously - it's all about them and their emotions... that means they can't be friends, especially with someone they have a romantic link to and all the triggers that brings.

[AustenJ]

I totally agree! One cannot be friends with a pwBPD, especially not an ex lover. They bring the same destructive dynamics to every relationship--friends, families, and lovers. I strive for NC, but since we work with each other on a small staff, I still have to see her in staff meetings and assemblies.

Her BFF was there for her after she attempted suicide and was there for her diagnosis of BPD. Just like me, he researched, studied and took copious notes about the disorder.  But he still allowed himself to be recycled as a lover over and over and over. It may be his blessing in disguise that he got laid off from his job and moved out of state, although that did not stop my ex from going and seeing him. Even during our relationship and past relationships, my ex still went to his house for dinner once a week with him and his roommates (it wasn't a sleep over at that point) and she would go to church with him on a weekly basis (they were Catholic, I was not, even though I volunteered to go with her), and they would still train together for triathlons... .so looking back, they still spent a lot of time together... .but then I took her at face value that nothing had or was going on. Live and learn, my friends, live and learn.

[AustenJ]

I think many of us at one time or another fantasize about maintaining a friendship with our exBPD lovers... .but it ends up just being a fantasy. My boundary when we were lovers was that she needed to get into therapy for us to have a chance at working. She always promised, but never delivered. So I have the same boundary as a friend--she needs to get into therapy. I know now that therapy will never happen and she will continue to live a dysfunctional life. But that is her her choice, and our good and bad choices ultimately define us. I wish to no longer be defined by my bad choices in lovers and friends.

[once removed]

it sounds like you do not want to be friends with her, but are concerned about her attempts to recycle the relationship, do i have that right?

would it be better to create some distance, in that case? right now the two of you are actively discussing the details of her personal life together. you are participating in her life, and im not sure she sees much distinction between these discussions and a friendship.