Is it possible that she reserves her "normal" self just for new people?

[CycleBreaker123]

So I'm coming to suspect that my BPD friend reserves her "normal" self for new people in her life, and that the longer she knows somebody, the more she acts out, misbehaves, shares her "crazy" side, etc.   Like I've now learned that with her parents, she is consistently cruel, abusive, ridiculously unfair, punishing to the point of psychotic.   But at the very same time, she is maintaining perfectly cordial friendships with "new people" who would never guess that she is simultaneously exhibiting true crazy-making behavior toward her "loved ones", whatever that means.   Is this common with BPD?   That the closer they are to a person, the more that person receives their "worst", while the people whom know little to nothing about them, receive their "best of"?     OK, so I'm guessing I know the answer to this question, what I'm really wondering is does the BPD person know they are doing this?   Because obviously my BPD friend seems able to turn on and off her "normal" behavior like a faucet depending on who she is talking to.    It's often the case that she keeps multiple messaging threads going at the same time, in one thread she is the cheeriest, friendliest, most helpful person you would ever know, while in another thread she is crueler than a Disney villain, like almost comic-book cruel. 

With me, since I'm not a parent or romantic partner, but a longtime friend, I'm now receiving about 90 % "bad" with some scattered "fair weather" behavior less and less over time.    The most recent "trigger" occurs if I ask her something like "whassup?" after not being in touch for awhile. (we live in seperate cities).  Any direct inquiry into the status of her life is met with stone cold contempt, like "why do you insist on prying into my life?".     Last time this happened, I broke down and couldn't resist pointing out that being interested in a friend's goings-on is sort of the definition of what friendship is about - I mean, that's what friends DO, they share their respective lives with one another.  If you don't wish to do that, well then, why bother talking at all?     THis resulted in about a month-long ban.  But then, I'll reach out since I need to do some business near where she lives, she will get all excited, "I missed you, when will you be here?", etc.   Wow, an actual NORMAL reply is like soo special from her - it's like I'm trained to celebrate any whiff of "normal".   So I'll tell her the day I'm thinking of being nearby, and does that work for her, and then she just SHUTS IT DOWN, won't reply, stone silent.    So I gently urge her to let me know if she will be around, and her reply is "why should I bend over backwards to see you?   You don't even bother to ask how I'm doing?".    I mean, is this the same version who told me to not inquire into her life?"   Anyway, all along the way, she is maintaining just fine "normal" relations with others - is this just day-to-day life for a person with BPD?   Surely they are aware they are doing this, since they are the ones turning ON and OFF the different versions.
In other words, their mistreatment of people is totally under their control, its' selective and purposeful. 

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[Meili]

I would argue that it is not something that they can turn on and off.

People who exhibit BPD traits typically feel emotions far more intensely than others. They also tend to have maladaptive coping mechanisms for dealing with these emotions. When you put those two together, bad things happen.

As you pointed out, when she gets closer and more intimate with people, she acts differently (many people do that in fact). People who get close to her can hurt her emotionally and because she likely feels emotions at an extreme level, the hurt is also very extreme and she probably does not have the skills to cope with those feelings.

Also, being more intimate with someone may be triggering a fear of engulfment or abandonment; or both at the same time. Again, the fears are extremely intense for pwBPD and, as a result, so are their reactions to the fears. This can cause them to push people away, rages, and all sorts of other bad behaviors.

There's something else that bears noting here, for people with BPD traits, their emotions are typically their reality. So whatever they are feeling in the moment is real to them. You ask about her day, she feels that you're prying, so you are prying in her mind. That's her reality and nothing you can say or do will change that. Your best bet in that situation is to validate her emotions and reality. The worst part about it is that what she is reacting to may have nothing (and often doesn't) to do with what is happening at the moment. It might be something from her past that was sparked by something completely unrelated.

I'd be willing to wage a years salary that anyone who suffers from BPD would give almost anything to not feel the emotions as strongly as they feel them. The intensity of the emotions was a common topic between my x and me. She hated her emotions. They created so much havoc and destruction in her world. It also creates self-fulfilling prophecies. She fears that people will leave her world and they do because of her actions. This reinforces her fear that people will abandon her.

I'd suggest that learn all that you can about BPD and people who present traits of the disorder. You will likely find that things are not as clear as they appear on the surface. We'll help you all that we can in understanding all of this.

[CycleBreaker123]

I'd suggest that learn all that you can about BPD and people who present traits of the disorder. You will likely find that things are not as clear as they appear on the surface. We'll help you all that we can in understanding all of this.


Ok, right.   It's much more complicated than this is just some sort of game  she plays - the behavior is linked to emotional disregulation.  That is why a conversation can start off with everything positive, and can sour because of if a certain phrase.   But here's how it plays out / I've noticed often she can be behaving "badly", and it's almost like she's daring me to say something about it / like she's sort of "training" me to accept increasingly worse behavior without fear of being called on it - because if I call her on it - she goes into "punish" mode. I guess that's the "walking on eggshells" feeling.

Well you know, this is why she has nobody, right?   Like only a spouse, or sibling, or parent cares enough to put up with it.  Sure, I could read all the books, ta, go to therapy, study, go deep into the forums.   But why should I?  To much work for to little benefit.   Caring about another just shouldn't be so exhausting, so much effort.  Just makes me sad how lonely a life she is leading.   Like all of her interactions are different fiend of "pretend".   Pretend to be nice.   Pretend to be more upset about something than she really is.  Pretend to be outraged, when actually she is just perplexed why her mood fluctuated on a dime.  Tragic

[Meili]

I completely agree with you, it is tragic what they experience and how they treat others as a result. You'll receive no argument there.

I will also agree with you that for many people a relationship with a pwBPD is too much work for not enough reward. It's even less of a reward when the pwBPD does not put forth the effort to make the relationship improve.

We must radically accept the other person for who they are; all of their faults included.

We all must also decide for ourselves whether or not the relationship is worth it to us to continue to work to maintain. If we decide that it is worth the effort, we must focus on ourselves and what we are doing to contribute to the situation because that is the only thing that we can change... .it is the only thing that we have control over.

How can we best help you on the path that you choose?

[LightnessOfBeing]

I've noticed often she can be behaving "badly", and it's almost like she's daring me to say something about it / like she's sort of "training" me to accept increasingly worse behavior without fear of being called on it - because if I call her on it - she goes into "punish" mode.

THIS. Dear god, this. My BPDh has been doing this to me for several months. "Training" is a very apt descriptor. And there is no way of responding that helps me/my position in this so-called 'relationship' - if I hold a boundary/call him on it/etc - no matter how civilly and calmly - he ramps up the punishment mode, with louder and more abusive screaming and more intimidating physical threat. On the other hand, if I let the bad behavior go by without comment, then it just inspires him to worse and worse behavior. Nons are, as usual, damned if we do and damned if we don't. There are lots of no-win scenarios in life with a pwBPD.  

And I have seen that look on his face, it's clear that it's a calculated move in that moment, that he's doing something egregiously bad in order to see what my response will be. Toddlers do this as part of boundary-testing; but they grow out of it, they're capable of growth. BPDs on the other hand... .


Anyway, I feel your pain. Sorry you're going through it.