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Author Topic: Co-parenting with angry ex  (Read 800 times)
Inneedofhelp
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 66


« on: May 19, 2017, 12:22:53 AM »

The attempt to co-parent with stbxBPD is not going well, and I feel that his anger towards me is really getting in the way. Although we have been separated for almost 6 years, only recently since I have finally set solid boundaries has it gotten worse with trying to co-parent. He is more volatile than usual, and the children are seeing it more so they are more hesitant to stay with him. He keeps commenting that I must be saying things to them and influencing their feelings, where the opposite is true and I try to reassure them and encourage them to be with him. I know he can't take the feedback from our S12 that he too quick to argue with our son, and needs to deflect the fact that it is his behavior that is causing the issues. I am the parent who is calm, rational, patient and attentive but he had the nerve to say that I am creating a hostile environment and affecting our children's well being? I know this is not reality, but it takes me to the point where I am tempted once again to engage/justify/defend which I have worked on in my personal detachment from his verbal abuse. Now he is just moving it to my parenting. I am not sure this is working as co-parents.
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Adastra

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15


« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2017, 08:24:06 PM »

 I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't because I am only three months per split and experiencing myself how hard it is to coparent with someone who thinks I am a monster and  treats me as such. His behavior is sabotaging his relationship with the kids too – he spanked our six-year-old for the first time the first night that she stayed with him. It's so sad and awful. Just wanted to respond to let you know that I can empathize and I know how hard it is to be strong in the situation. I'm sure you're doing an even better job than you know.
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insideout77
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Posts: 65


« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2017, 03:52:02 PM »

, only recently since I have finally set solid boundaries.

The lull in chaos may have sucked you in to thinking that it could be normal. The reality is the boundaries you have set are what is causing the chaos and you have to do your best to right in through.

He will never change and the only chance you have to stay strong and firm.

 Its like when a toddler gets mad when you finally set a firm bedtime, they are gonna jump up and down for a few days and call you a bad parent but once they realize that you are serious and firm and not backing down, they will accept it.

Hang in there and keep the kids out of it.

Hugs!  you can do it! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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david
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2017, 06:35:03 AM »

I had similar issues back in 2007 through 2010. I then started setting boundaries. The outbursts became more intense but it also gave me quiet times in between. Around 2013 things started to settle down. I only communicate through email. Recently things have started to ratchet up again. It is nowhere near as bad as in the beginning. I do view things as better so that is a positive. Our youngest is 14 so I don't have much longer to go.
Lately ex has been telling our boys things that she was saying back in 2007 which they know are not true. The fact that she is recycling the past ( a decade ago) must mean something to her but I don't spend time trying to figure it out. Usually something comes out months later that explain the current behaviors.
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david
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« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2017, 06:36:22 AM »

I parallel parent and don't even try to co parent anymore.
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Inneedofhelp
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Posts: 66


« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2017, 12:07:36 AM »

Thanks for the support. I am doing my best to stay out of his way while staying firm with my boundaries. I know all I can do is create the calm organized side for our children, and give them tools to deal with the other side-the hard part is to try my best to stay positive for them-when I really want to yell out "I know daddy is random and hard to deal with!".
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snazzyjazz

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 10


« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2017, 09:20:39 PM »

Just want to reach out and say you're not alone! My BF's uBPDx of 6 years has been a nightmare for the entire six years with little lulls here and there. Recently, we took a course from a local mental health organization on how to live with & support someone with BPD and we learned a ton. We took it in response to her learning of our relationship (we kept it quiet for over a year because we knew she'd lose it) and increasing the hell she was putting him through. The course helped, buuuuut then we started setting boundaries, most recently me sending her an e-mail (atfer she made contact with me for the first time in 3 years) telling her that comments about our relationship, their past, our home life, our careers, my health, and so on are not welcome; that we are united and living together, officially as of july 1st but unofficially since Christmas; and that the only things we will discuss with her are what their D6 did that day, liked/disliked, how she's sleeping, how things are with friends, comments from school, and so on. Got a nice long tirade that poked at allllll my sore spots (she still wants to be with him, 6 years later, so attacks relationship things) and all his sore spots (the mistakes he made when they were together & more) and I'm still shaken. Trying so hard not to defend or justify or argue and just let those comments sit, but it's so hard. All that to say... .You're not alone!

In our course, they told us that changes & setting boundaries will invariably bring on a period of major reactions from them. It throws them into instability and they will test you and poke you and push the boundaries every which way. We have to be strong and firm and reaffirm our goals and those boundaries, as hard as it is. Weather the storm. I'm still in the early stages of this and struggling like mad so I can't tell you how it works out in the end, but all the books and counselors have said is that. (Walking on Eggshells is a great one btw!)
Good vibes!
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Sluggo
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced 4 yrs/ separated 6 / Married 18 yrs
Posts: 596



« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2017, 09:47:21 PM »

Coparenting has not been working out for us either.  It is a volatile situation.  Our prelim order has it that I have to go to her house (where the kids are per the prelim order- which I made a HUGE mistake with) and a couple of our children are special needs.  It is not a good situation.  The police have been called twice in the last 6 months where she has alleged that I have hit her.  Each time the police thankfully listened to my story and I did not get taken or arrested.  I always have my cell phone recording when I am with her which has saved me many times (with custody eval, CPS, police, my lawyer, and for my own sanity).

My marriage unraveled so quickly once I started setting boundaries that I enforced.  I could done the enforcing better which may have added fuel to the disruption and splintering of our marriage.   However, after 17 years of marriage where I would let myself be walked on in order to keep the peace, I did not display much patience. 

The escalation has continued to where there has been severe alienation.  That was her last card to play and the most powerful.  It has crushed me.  Now I am about 100K into a divorce (lawyer fee 65K, custody Eval 20K, parenting coordinator 10K) with it still not over yet with another continued hearing set for later this month. 
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insideout77
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 65


« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2017, 10:45:30 PM »

Coparenting has not been working out for us either.  It is a volatile situation.  Our prelim order has it that I have to go to her house (where the kids are per the prelim order- which I made a HUGE mistake with) and a couple of our children are special needs.  It is not a good situation.  The police have been called twice in the last 6 months where she has alleged that I have hit her.  Each time the police thankfully listened to my story and I did not get taken or arrested.  I always have my cell phone recording when I am with her which has saved me many times (with custody eval, CPS, police, my lawyer, and for my own sanity).

My marriage unraveled so quickly once I started setting boundaries that I enforced.  I could done the enforcing better which may have added fuel to the disruption and splintering of our marriage.   However, after 17 years of marriage where I would let myself be walked on in order to keep the peace, I did not display much patience. 

The escalation has continued to where there has been severe alienation.  That was her last card to play and the most powerful.  It has crushed me.  Now I am about 100K into a divorce (lawyer fee 65K, custody Eval 20K, parenting coordinator 10K) with it still not over yet with another continued hearing set for later this month. 

Oh my im sorry you are dealing with that Chaos.  Please read "Surviving the Storm by Richard Skerrit.   He as brilliant strategy on how to deal with the case you describe. I can relate to your 100K all to well.  :-(
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Sluggo
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced 4 yrs/ separated 6 / Married 18 yrs
Posts: 596



« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2017, 11:00:40 PM »

Please read "Surviving the Storm by Richard Skerrit.   He as brilliant strategy on how to deal with the case you describe. I can relate to your 100K all to well.  :-(

thanks- I have not heard of the book before.  I will look it up right now.  thanks again. 
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