Nothing she says or does occur to me as "real" anymore

[CycleBreaker123]

Her "good" moods occur to me as temporary, at best.   Any positive interaction seem quickly followed up by a contrived negative one - the more positive the interaction - the more harsh the inevitable darkness.    Her mean spirited actions and hateful rages no longer occur to me as comic book versions of an angry person - since it's always over something so ridiculously trivial, it's like she was desperately looking for SOMETHING that she can rage about.   But now, such behavior just makes me sad inside.   Because I know it had nothing to do with "me", and I just care less and less any more.    Trying to address her stated reason is always totally pointless - since that stated reason cannot possibly be defended.    Validating her stated "reason" for becoming upset began to feel not only dishonest and contrived from my perspective, she has learned the "validation trick", as she calls it.   To validate her is "manipulative" - anybody validating her has this not-so-secret agenda to try to trick her into letting her anger go.    The net result has become I don't take her boundaries that seriously, her "I don't want to ever talk to you again" basically can be reversed five minutes later.  Or maybe next month, whatever, it doesn't matter.    It's like nothing she says or does feels real.  I know it's all very real to her, but it's no longer real to me.   It's "pretend".    I can sense when she is ready to pounce, she will talk a certain way, become ambiguous with her choice of words, giving me ample opportunity to misinterpret.    Or she can't commit to something as simple as planning to meet for coffee, she'll invite me to get together, and then wait for me to nail down a location and time, just so she can go silent and wait for me to ask again.   Like she is just waiting for me to press her on it so she can take offense.   This "laying of traps" is getting really old at this point - purposefully behaving badly, daring me to do or say something about it, so she can let loose with another tantrum.   

Really, I'm asking myself what's the point, and am coming up empty.  The hardest thing is I don't even know if I actually care about her, since I'm sadly coming to realize that there is no "her" to care about.   Just an illusion of a made-up person, with one disguise in particular that was crafted for me personally, and when push comes to shove, she will reluctantly pull it out of the closet, dust if off, and put it back on for a brief period, to remind me of who she is.  But that's not who she is.   Actually she's the saddest clown in the circus,  and it's quite hard to accept that I can't help make things better for her, not even a little bit.   

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[GD39]

Thank you very much for your post. I really needed something like that. I have been thinking the same thing. There is some comfort in knowing that I am not alone. As of yesterday, we are supposedly over. Lets see what happens. Nevertheless, I dont think I can go for another round.