Struggling to cope with stress/ guilt

[Iris8]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading the posts on her for a while but only just worked up the courage to post my own!

My best friend has BPD. We are really really close and do everything together. She is the loveliest person I have ever met and I honestly can't imagine life without her. When we met about 6 years ago she was fine, and as time has gone on her behaviour has become gradually more difficult and last year she was diagnosed. She is a attending a group STEPPS course, but she is reluctant and wants to drop out. We both graduated from university last year and I am now doing an MA course, and she is looking for jobs.

She has always been prone to periods of depression but it is particularly extreme recently. After getting a number of job rejections she has become really low. She is reluctant to go out and do anything, mainly staying in her bedroom or on the sofa. She has become convinced that she will never get a job and that all the rejection is personal. She says such negative things about herself all the time, and at the moment seems to be giving up. She constantly compares her life to mine and the things she says I often find very hurtful. But despite her anger towards me she gets annoyed when I make plans with other people, and says that I am too busy to spend time with her.

Today has been especially hard and she has turned off her phone and refuses to contact me at all. I know from contacting her mum that she is extremely sad and lying alone in her room. I feel so helpless and lonely when I'm not with her - all I can think about is whether she is ok and what I can possibly do to help her. She has alluded to the possibility of harming herself recently and I live in fear of losing her. Tomorrow I have plans to go out, and so does her mum, meaning she will be in the house alone. I know I won't be able to relax for a second while I'm gone and this will be 100 times worse if she keeps her phone off and refuses to acknowledge me. When I don't hear from her I can't stop myself from thinking the worst.

I just wondered if anyone is in a similar situation with a BPD person who is very depressed, or finding it hard to deal with rejection. Also if anyone has any advice about leaving her alone? Is it for the best or should I feel guilty for leaving?

Thanks

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[once removed]

hi Iris8 and

im glad you worked up the courage to post. i know posting on a message board forum for the first time can seem kinda foreign.

it sounds like you care a great deal for your friend. living with BPD obviously isnt easy, and people with BPD tend to function better with strong and empathetic people in their lives, who care and support, but with strong boundaries.

i can understand where she comes from in terms of taking job rejections personally, its difficult not to, and the experience can at the very least, be very discouraging. that is something you can probably validate, without validating the invalid (the things she believes about herself as a result).

as far as leaving her alone, i can understand why you would feel guilty. i think its important to remember the old adage about in flight oxygen masks. if you arent living your life, and seeking your own happiness, its going to be difficult to be supportive to someone else. her fears and feelings about herself are deep seated, and not something you can cure. have you invited her on these outings, or out in general? she might decline, but still appreciate the offer. i know as an introvert i decline a lot of offers, but still really appreciate them, and dont like feeling left out.