Partner traumatised by the fact I have had previous relationships

[Kirkwood22]

Hi everyone,
I've never posted on anything like this but I've reached rock bottom. I am so worried for my partner and wonder if anyone has had any similar experiences.

My partner is the best thing to ever happen to me. They are caring and loving, funny and intelligent but BPD is ruining our relationship. I have had partners in the past but they haven't. I've been very open as honesty is a key part of our relationship but the thought/image of me having other partners makes them feel physically sick, causes them extreme upset and anger. They say they hate me, they throw things or hit things- I hate that my past can cause them so much pain. I should add that these are all in the past and this is NOT about infidelity. This can be triggered by the smallest things and we can go from discussing a wonderful future to them saying I'm disgusting and they feel nothing for me and never want to see me ever again.

I'm not aggressive and have never risen to the comments and never will. I always listen to them and try to wait for the situation to calm down. Sometimes I say o will leave the room but remind them if they want me to come back later I will. But I'm so so worried and need someone to talk to. I've never cared for anyone they say I do for them but need advice on what to do.

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dealingwithit]

You might try telling her how sorry you are that it is painful for her and how much you love her when this happens and that you don't really think about that person anymore.

[Kirkwood22]

Thank you- that is what I have been doing so I'm pleased to hear I could be in the right lines.

When the splitting happens I try to say that I love my SO, that I will always be here for them and that I understand if they need to walk away but that it's not what I want.

I don't have any contact with my ex and am very open with my phone/emails as an action I.e. Doing not just saying

Today is a bad day. My SO doesn't want to speak to me and I'm worried they might leave and cut contact.

Thank you to anyone who can offer any advice/support

[Notwendy]

BPD is on a spectrum and I think my situation is relatively milder than others I have read about but maybe this can help-

I tend to have co dependent traits and so feel responsible for other people's feelings even if I am not responsible.

We can not change our past relationships. They are what they are. At one point in my marriage my H looked at some old yearbooks of mine and got jealous of an old crush I hadn't seen since school. Then of other past relationships.

Bit of us had had relationships with other people before we met. He knew this. I didn't hide it. I also have not cheated. But the image of someone I had a crush on was triggering enough to cause a reaction as if it were in the present.

Feelings feel like facts. If they are jealous then it must be your fault.

I bought into that reality. I felt so much shame for my past ( which wasn't shameful).

But that was irrational. I was a typical teen and young woman. I dated people. I cared about them. When I met my H , I cared about him too, committed to him and honored that. Because I have the capacity to love people - I did love others and I could love him. Where is the shame in that ?

I don't feel shame. My past relationships are part of all the expriences that make me who I am. Once I could take this perspective and not buy into the idea that I caused someone's jealousy- this issue went away.

[Kirkwood22]

Thank you- it really helps to hear it from someone in a similar situation.

Can I ask, how did your H move past the feelings of jealousy at your past relationships? It would be nice to hear that this is possible. I think my SO feels like they will never be able to move forward or stop the intrusive images.

[Notwendy]

I don't know for sure and everyone is different. I did a lot of personal work on codependency. I was secure that I didn't do anything wrong. I don't think it's necessary to discuss every detail about past relationships. He had girlfriends before he met me. We didn't misrepresent ourselves.

I assume your GF has had relationships before she met you. Unless someone is from a very religious family ( and they tend to marry young) most adults these days have had relationships.

It's up to her to decide if she can get over it. Honestly if she can only be with someone who has no past relationships, then she needs to find someone who fits that requirement. I think you can validate her feelings and yet let her know that you can not change your past and you don't think it is good for the relationship to bring this up over and over again because you can not do anything about it. Then it is up to her to decide. I know that is scary but to have this brought up continuously indefinitely does not help either of you.

[Notwendy]

It may help to see this as her feelings of fear, jealousy, abandonment that are present in general.  I think it is a bit scary to feel vulnerable in a relationship. Knowing the person had other relationships that ended is a realization that you could end this one too, even if you do care for her.

With BPD i have found that the person has the feelings but doesn't identify the source as being about them - so they are projected on to something or someone else. When one "reason" is solved then they can find another reason. The reason can change but the feelings are the same.

Your situation is a good "reason" because it can't be changed. The next step in to consider boundaries. Without boundaries one can lose their own perspective and buy into the idea that they are the reason for the bad feelings and need to fix it. Sometimes we do things that upset other people- if so - then we need to apologize. But we didn't have a past relationship with any intent or way to hurt our current partner and we can't change that. If they choose to be upset about it - it is their situation to deal with.

We don't have to make them wrong for this. It may seem illogical to us, but if it really bothers them - this is their right to feel what they feel. If it is important to them to be the one and only relationship their partner ever had- they have the right to seek a person who meets that qualification.

[Notwendy]

Another consideration is did you represent yourself clearly at the beginning? I assumed my H had prior girlfriends. However had I discovered well into the relationship that he had a previous wife and kids and didn't tell me, I'd be distressed ( he didn't have a previous family ). I think we should be forthcoming with major commitments or situations like that. A partner may feel decieved if we are not.

[Grey Kitty]

It's up to her to decide if she can get over it. Honestly if she can only be with someone who has no past relationships, then she needs to find someone who fits that requirement.

This is key. The concern is hers. And the choice of how she will deal with it is hers. The only healthy thing you can do is let her make her choice whether to be in this relationship.

And remember that her feelings are hers, and they are very real. She really is upset/angry/jealous/etc. You have no power or ability to change her feelings. You can't even manage her feelings for her, although you may be able to help some. Trying to manage her feelings is a horrible codependent quagmire for you to get stuck in if you try.

Since you cannot change your past, you have to let her make her choice. Besides that, there are a few things you can do to help or make things easier for her/better for your relationship.

1. If these fights become verbally or physically violent and toxic, removing yourself from her presence temporarily is better than staying "calm" while she rages at you. And when I say better, I mean it is healthier for both of you, not just easier for you.

2. I'm assuming you don't bring up your exes with her, or not intentionally. If you do, stop it.

3. If you have stayed on good terms with any of your exes, and are acquaintances, or even friends, you can reconsider. Think about it before you shut somebody important out of your life. One of the bad behaviors associated with BPD is isolating you from friends and family, and many members have regretted allowing that to happen to them. That said, exes are a special case, and I'd give in on that more readily.

4. You can validate their feelings, like being upset, jealous, fearful, or whatever is expressed.

[Kirkwood22]

Thank you again for your helpful comments.

In reply- yes, I've always been open about my past. As I'm older there is more of one but nothing I would consider as bad! I've never been married and certainly being don't have any children so nothing has been hidden.

I Definitely understand that her feelings are valid, it's so clear how badly it affects her.  I've tried to calmly tell her that staying or leaving the relationship is her choice. I quickly learnt that she needed to feel in control. Unfortunately she now struggles to come to my house as she feels it is tainted. I'm really struggling. I'm sure everyone says this when they are in a loving relationship but I hate the thought of being without her.

Does anyone have any experience of successful treatments? Therapies or medications? I know she is reluctant as she's worried she will have to talk about her feelings about my past and that this will just traumatise her more.

Thank you again- i appreciate any advice.

[Notwendy]

Not to trivialize her feelings but the feelings seem out of proportion to the "reason" which makes me think there is some trauma for her and the "reason" she gives is triggering them.

I think this is a frequent pattern with BPD. Fears, trauma, bad feelings that are there become triggered by something. We may scramble to fix that something but the feelings are there and the fixing the issue doesn't change that. So some other issue can come up.

The one for you seems to be an impasse as you can not change it. This for her may serve her own fears by providing a reason for them.

When I see a reaction that is out of proportion to the situation, I consider that there may be more emotion and meaning read into it than the actual issue. Not wanting to talk with a T about her feelings about your past makes me think her feelings are intense but the reason isn't quite al of it.