Example of why you leave your phone at home when drinking.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So it has been almost 2 months of no contact and I do this tonight... .ugh...

"Hey,
Hope this is okay.  I have become aware of many things that I did during the relationship that caused you frustration.  Some you pointed out over time and some you didn't.  I guess I never really understood your perspective or maybe just never took the time to try and understand.  

The reasons for this are complex and I will not get into them other than to say that i became completely worn out/tired and was reacting to things instead of responding.

I apologize for not validating your feeling enough, especially regarding J.  I had blinders on and was in pure fix it mode.  I imagine this is probably the item you found most frustrating and disillusioning.

I also apologize for not having the proper level of empathy regarding so many different things.  I started to just look at solutions, (which was your responsibility and not mine which in itself is invalidating, ugh) and ignored the underlying emotions.

Finally, to keep this short since it is an invasion, I apologize for always trying to explain, argue, defend, and justify my actions instead of just accepting how you felt about what may have transpired.  

I can understand how you became worn out by me and us to a certain extent.

Thanks if you read this,

Ox

PS: I hope you understand that I am not some Monster that you need to be afraid of going forward.  I will continue to be a last line of defense if you ever need it. "

Of course no response yet, if ever... .

I now dislike my friends, alcohol, and my emotions.

[Doughboy]

So it has been almost 2 months of no contact and I do this tonight... .ugh...

"Hey,
Hope this is okay.  I have become aware of many things that I did during the relationship that caused you frustration.  Some you pointed out over time and some you didn't.  I guess I never really understood your perspective or maybe just never took the time to try and understand.  

The reasons for this are complex and I will not get into them other than to say that i became completely worn out/tired and was reacting to things instead of responding.

I apologize for not validating your feeling enough, especially regarding J.  I had blinders on and was in pure fix it mode.  I imagine this is probably the item you found most frustrating and disillusioning.

I also apologize for not having the proper level of empathy regarding so many different things.  I started to just look at solutions, (which was your responsibility and not mine which in itself is invalidating, ugh) and ignored the underlying emotions.

Finally, to keep this short since it is an invasion, I apologize for always trying to explain, argue, defend, and justify my actions instead of just accepting how you felt about what may have transpired.  

I can understand how you became worn out by me and us to a certain extent.

Thanks if you read this,

Ox

PS: I hope you understand that I am not some Monster that you need to be afraid of going forward.  I will continue to be a last line of defense if you ever need it. "

Of course no response yet, if ever... .

I now dislike my friends, alcohol, and my emotions.

[steelwork]

Ox, the only thing you need to worry about is clearing a path to feeling better. Maybe this wasn't the ideal way to do that, but how will beating yourself up for it help? I mean, you said a bunch of conciliatory and affirming things, and from one point of view, well, you put something positive into the universe.

Just take a couple ibuprophens, drink lots of water, and start again tomorrow, okay?

[VeganButEatMyMea]

 I think it's time for some tough love Ox:

To summarize you're last couple posts... .you stopped by your ex's mom's house, who is 1000% on your ex's side, and heard all the nasty things your ex told her about you. Then you send her an email apologizing for who you are... .translation "I'm sorry you didn't like me for me, I will change and become what I think you want me to be. P.S. if it doesn't work out with the guy you're seeing I'll be here waiting for you".

What your doing I see work all the time, and it's successful like 99% of the time, but unfortunately for you... .it only works in the movies.

In the real world if you want your ex back it's easy:

1.) You don't contact them... .simple as that. If they ever decide to contact you, beg to come back, you play it cool. Then you can decide if you want them back after god know how many sexual partners they've had.

2.) You don't contact them... .and they never come back.

Either way you have no control. Only *if she decides to come back.

One last thing, next time you're thinking about sending her another message... .envision her getting the notification while she's naked in the Christian man's bed. What do you think your little message means to her then? Nothing, so don't do it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Ox,

Most of us have been there, so I hope you'll be kind to yourself. It wasn't that bad—this kind of thing is part of the recovery process.  Actually, it's a very considerate text, which reveals some of your feelings. Obviously, you've been thinking about your role in the relationship, and that is a good thing. 

Had she asked you not to contact her?

heartandwhole

[Doughboy]

Had she asked you not to contact her?

heartandwhole

Yes, very  specifically. No idea if she will ever read it or respond.  You are correct though that I do see where I went wrong.

[Doughboy]

To summarize you're last couple posts... .you stopped by your ex's mom's house, who is 1000% on your ex's side, and heard all the nasty things your ex told her about you.

Actually her Mother took things I said and made them horrible to the Ex.  Things were decent between us until Mom went on a smear campaign.

Then you send her an email apologizing for who you are... .translation "I'm sorry you didn't like me for me, I will change and become what I think you want me to be.

I need to be this new person for anyone I get in a r/s with down the road.  Skills I need to acquire.  I am man enough to admit my faults


My little wrinkle is that she lives 3 hrs away. We would see each other maybe 10-12 days a month. It is easy for her to stay away because of this... .easy for me also. 

Just had too much to drink and the honesty came out. She is a Quiet Waif type so the emotions are strong and the validation were important to her. Also hated any kind of criticism.  I was not good with any of these because I went full codependent due to my natural White Knight/people pleaser tendencies.

My ego is in check enough I can take responsibility for my 50% if the relationship.

[Rayban]

Ox

In Vino veritas

Don't beat yourself over this.  I've been there and I know what it feels like the morning after. Take positives that you didn't send her an angry abusive  text. You just expressed what you've realized looking back on the relationship.  

It might even feel liberating maybe giving you some form of closure even if she never reads it.
You're moving forward from the mear fact of understanding your role. Just use it as a learning experience.

[OptimusRhyme]

I need to be this new person for anyone I get in a r/s with down the road.  Skills I need to acquire.  I am man enough to admit my faults

My ego is in check enough I can take responsibility for my 50% if the relationship.

These are both great initiatives, but maybe you can extend yourself the same love and space to take responsibility that you lamented, through codependency, not giving her. How does it help you for her to be part of your process of taking responsibility, owning your faults and working on them for yourself and future partners?

[Doughboy]

How does it help you for her to be part of your process of taking responsibility,

I think it is because a small part of me still wants her back and this is was just a small way to let her know that I know what I did and that I am working on it.  Moot point ultimately though since she needs to be the one to reignite anything, and I do not see her EVER contacting me, and be willing to acknowledge and work on her issues. Plus, plus, the whole religion thing and the toxic Mother are big stoppers also.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Ox,

I think you hit the nail on the head there.  The likelihood is that she's not capable emotionally of taking responsibility for her own behaviours and doing the work on herself, as so many sadly aren't.  I know some BPD's can recover, and that was the main thing that kept me going for so long in my relationship, however the crux is they have to want to and be very very committed to that.  Which is why I believe so many of us are posting on this particular board.  The numbers don't look good my friend.  

As for sending the message, as others have said, don't beat yourself up.  I think everything happens for a reason and sounds like these are words you needed to get off your chest, whether she reads them or not.  Hopefully when you have moved past feeling rubbish about sending it you will notice a weight has lifted as I'm sure it must have been quite cathartic, no matter what the motivation unconsciously was.  At the end of the day what's done is done and the key message I did read was that you are really looking at yourself and working on that so good on you.  I suggest you stick with that and make it your focus.  Let the rest unfold and don't give it any further thought if you can help it.  I know that's far easier said than done, but you can do this.  You're already well on your way by realising what you want to change for your future.  Hats off.

Love and light

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Ox

I dont know your story but I wanted to tell you I think that message you sent was really nice. Dont be too hard on yourself about it.

i became completely worn out/tired

My guess is this might be why your pwBPD hasnt answered yet. Ive noticed that my pwBPD will single out the one remark from me that could be seen as slightly negative (you feeling worn out/tired by HER in her mind, vs worn out by the struggles of the r/s) and not hear the rest, at least not for a while. He will have a knee jerk reaction to a couple words then the rest will sink in over time. I would just give it time and try to be compassionate with yourself.

I hope you had at least some fun last night! There is always tomorrow just go for a walk and clear your head.

[Doughboy]

I hope you had at least some fun last night!

Based on the pictures and the lightness in my wallet I think I did.  A group of friends from College, male and female, decided we all needed to get together to try and cheer me up a little and take my mind off of things.  I have known these people for 26 years and they were all as shocked as I was about all of this.  Of course I couldn't help but think numerous times last night how angry the Ex would be with all of it.  She was so super jealous of my female friends... .  even though they are like Sisters. 

[Rayban]

I still have those, "if she could see me now moments" . I'll be with special people in my life feeling happy, or after I've accomplished something great, she pops in my head. I wish she could see how well I'm doing.

I've dreamed of scenarios where I could throw it back in her face with how well I'm doing with out her. I know it's not healthy and I'm trying to let those thoughts become indifferent to me.

[Doughboy]

So it has been almost 2 months of no contact and I do this tonight... .ugh...

"Hey,
Hope this is okay.  I have become aware of many things that I did during the relationship that caused you frustration.  Some you pointed out over time and some you didn't.  I guess I never really understood your perspective or maybe just never took the time to try and understand.  

The reasons for this are complex and I will not get into them other than to say that i became completely worn out/tired and was reacting to things instead of responding.

I apologize for not validating your feeling enough, especially regarding J.  I had blinders on and was in pure fix it mode.  I imagine this is probably the item you found most frustrating and disillusioning.

I also apologize for not having the proper level of empathy regarding so many different things.  I started to just look at solutions, (which was your responsibility and not mine which in itself is invalidating, ugh) and ignored the underlying emotions.

Finally, to keep this short since it is an invasion, I apologize for always trying to explain, argue, defend, and justify my actions instead of just accepting how you felt about what may have transpired.  

I can understand how you became worn out by me and us to a certain extent.

Thanks if you read this,

Ox

PS: I hope you understand that I am not some Monster that you need to be afraid of going forward.  I will continue to be a last line of defense if you ever need it. "

Got a response today... .I have place a couple comments in Bold and Italics

"P.,

I just saw this... .

I have never before nor never will see you as a monster.  I think you are an incredibly good man.  For you to suggest that is one of the many issues that became so frustrating for me.  You twist things because of your insecurities.  You want to find validation by making comments that force people to tell you that you are a good person. That is exhausting.

I have had time to process things and try to understand what I was feeling. I think so many of the issues I had were a result of insecurities you have.  I am by no means blaming you for everything, however, I truly, in my heart, believe that you will change the words I have said to make you look like the victim.  I just think that you have incredible insecurities which caused you to freak out and need to constantly push and not allow me to be me.  MY CODEPENDENCY THAT DEVELOPED FROM THE INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT /PUSH PULL You didn't allow me time to be alone while we were together.  You didn't allow me to have time to be with my kids without you making me feel guilty about it.  You couldn't handle the fact that you weren't going to get all of my attention and because of that you felt you had to push your way into my life.  If you only could have seen that pushing wasn't the answer and it was ultimately the cause of the end.

Yes, spirituality was and is a very important thing to me and I need to be with someone who has similar values.  However, I have never said you aren't good enough because you aren't a christian.  YOU said that and told others that's what I thought.  You said the exact same thing about L. I have come to see how many words you twisted over time.  You gave your version of what was said but not really what was said nor the intention of things said.  

You told your Ex and maybe M., that my mom reached out to you and wanted to get together and talk because she was worried about me.  That was a total ___ing lie!  (YES IT WAS BECAUSE I DID NOT SAY THAT)  And why would you lie about that?  You contacted her... .I have the texts.  You tried to manipulate her and make her feel guilty by telling her not to tell me what was discussed.  You don't even see the manipulation and lies.  That is completely ___ed up, Paul.  I don't mean to be harsh but I don't know if you can see reality.  It's incredibly upsetting.

I hated the last text I sent you.  It was painful me to say such things because that is not who I am but I felt that was the only way to get you to understand that you needed to back away and stop pushing.  

P, I know you loved me.  But until you can love yourself, you can't love anyone else in a healthy way.  You so desperately wanted to be NEEDED that you couldn't see the beauty of being wanted instead of being needed.  

I know that I pulled back at times and that was upsetting to you and I can understand why it was upsetting.  I was reacting.  I know I keep things inside because I was afraid of reactions or believed that it really didn't matter what I said or thought.  I know there were so many things I did and didn't do that caused problems in our relationship.  For that I am truly sorry.  I am sorry for causing you pain and hurting you.

I want you to know that there are things I miss about you and about us.  Unfortunately, all we can both do at this point is move forward and learn from this relationship.  

Thank you for showing me love and for being the first man to ever make love to me.  Thank you for all the things you did for me to ease the burdens of daily life.  Thank you for being a part of my life and for loving me and my girls.  I hope you know and believe that I loved you and wanted you.  

I truly want nothing but for the best for you,P.  I hope things are improving with the business and that you were able to work out some sort of deal with R.  I desperately want your business to survive.  

I still have a few things I need to get to you.  Your debit card, a yellow Tupperware bowl, a travel coffee mug, and the ring.  My mom dropped off the Star Wars movies to your ex.  I am sorry I haven't sent them sooner but you know me well enough to know that I'm not good at getting things done in a timely fashion.  I do apologize for that and I will try to get it all together and sent off this week.

I hope you are having a good holiday weekend and that you have a good summer.  I also truly hope you will go to the Cheap Trick concert.  It would mean so much to me if you went to it.  I have attached the tickets.  Maybe you and M. can go.  I know it's in Indy but maybe you will still consider going.  

Please take care of yourself."

Looks like she is done... .and I carry the majority of the blame... .

[once removed]

how are you feeling about this Ox?

[Doughboy]

how are you feeling about this Ox?

Horrible.  I have been on the phone with her for the last hour... .

It is not going well.


Just got off the phone and it is completely done.  Never to be considered by her again.  Ever.

[once removed]

let us know how it goes.

[Doughboy]

let us know how it goes.

See my above post.  I updated it.

[heartandwhole]

Ox,

I'm sorry.   I know how painful it is to lose someone you care about so much.

We're here for you.

heartandwhole