Introduction

[Beloved Warrior]

After 14 years of bewilderment at my husband's behavior, I happened to pick up a popular book on BPD.  I was reading it to understand a friend's situation, but quickly saw my own experience reflected in it. After consulting a few professionals, I'm sure my husband is high-functioning borderline. Our relationship has deteriorated to the point where have been basically separated for close to a year, although co-parenting in the same house and legally married.

While he's always been a good dad, his unhappiness at our separation has overflowed into the way he treats our young children. Two of the kids have special needs and we need to work as a parenting team, especially when high-stakes medical decisions are involved. However, I often feel like a single parent with a live-in opponent.

I have asked him to consider DBT and he is theoretically open to it -- as long as I can find a configuration that includes couples counseling, because he's pretty sure I'm the source of his pain.

Today's challenge is that I'm reading advice on validating his emotional experience, and I see how it could be very helpful -- but I feel so threatened by his volatile emotions that I lack the emotional strength to engage him at any level when he's upset.  I'm hoping to find connection with people who have similar experiences.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, beloved warrior, welcome to the family!

It's seems you've been through a lot. The live-in opponent is a feeling that most of us have had, and it is draining. To the point that you think about, or you do throw the towell.

I believe you have to think about what you want. Do you want to "save" the relationship? or you just want a more peaceful co-parenting? I know you are tired of trying, and seems a lot of work, but do you want to?

There are specific boards for co-parenting, and for saving a relationship near break up. Where you can find tools for any need.

Here, in the "improving" board there are a lot of people with years of marriage, and kids too. I'm sure you'll see that you are not alone in this experience.

14 years is a lot, of unfair treatment, unexpected reactions, and seeing what we do for our loved one doesn't work. So you carry a lot of momentum to change ways now, and it feels like climbing a mountain.

You have to see it this way: Anything you do that makes him better, also makes your life and the kids' life better. You are going to "colect the fruit or your labor". Probably, you can improve your life much more than you can improve his.

Since I know about BPD and I started using the tools of this forum, there have been ups and downs, a lot. But the ups are much better, and the downs are not as bad as they used to be. It's been only about 3 months, and I see there is a lot to do still. I don't feel I'm working more in the relationship, maybe less, it's more a matter of changing the point of view. So it has been only good.

I hope you give it a try.