BPD Relationship

[VigilantHylian]

Hey guys,

This is my first post here, as I was hoping someone might be able to give me some advice, or point me in the direction of it.

My situation is that I've been with my partner for 3 years and her family is manipulative and exploitative, which has left her with BPD and anxiety. I suffer from anxiety myself, so I'm finding it incredibly hard to figure out how to help or support her.

We rent a room in a share house, which isn't the best situation but its all we can do at the moment. She recently started full time work which has given her a bit of freedom, but its a bit much for her to deal with.

Most days or weekends involve me trying to stay calm enough to support her in her fits and depression, but I can't follow the logic of the episodes.

It seems to start over nothing, but eventually boils down to her becoming cold towards me, shut off, and suicidal. Most conversations are negative or depressing, and it doesn't seem to get better. I am always trying to remain calm, and do my best to just be there for her but it often ends in screaming or her throwing things, or just a complete suicide mindset that is almost impossible to shake.

 I've been trying to help her survive for the last few years and I'm really at the end of my tether. I don't want to leave her because it would literally kill her, but I'm finding it impossible to live my say to day life because of the anxiety of her unending lack of safety. Every say there is something wrong, or something I've done, or something that isn't right.

How do you deal with and help with someone who can't help themselves, become ice cold and physically push you away, and often resort to cutting if you leave them alone like they ask? I come from a very logical place so I find it hard to coach her through these emotional breakdowns, and it never ends well.

Please help, I am having a hard time and don't really have anyone to talk to, and neither does she, we're both rather isolated and have social anxiety.

Thank you for listening, and for any help you can provide <3

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gotbushels]

Hi VigilantHylian  

Welcome.

Yes, a family that is manipulative and exploitative may contribute to BPD traits and anxiety. Again, you're right in seeing that it's difficult for a partner with anxiety to help another with anxiety. I appreciate that difficulty. On my less-than-ideal days, it took even more effort to manage my own partner—so of course it's not easy.

Full time work is usually a step in the right direction for many adults. Would you mind sharing what it means to be a bit much for her to deal with?

It seems to start over nothing, but eventually boils down to her becoming cold towards me, shut off, and suicidal. Most conversations are negative or depressing, and it doesn't seem to get better. I am always trying to remain calm, and do my best to just be there for her but it often ends in screaming or her throwing things, or just a complete suicide mindset that is almost impossible to shake.

I understand this is very difficult. Many of my "arguments" with my ex will follow the path you described. I suggest you look at this first:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

Then this:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Sometimes pwBPDs have great amounts of anxiety that results in a lot of pain. This is similar to your description of an unending lack of safety. That there's always something wrong.

Many of the members here are logically inclined. I encourage you to have hope that the situation can be improved.