When will it end - feeling wobbly :(

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm feeling really wobbly. It's been 4 months since I had any contact with my udBPD ex and she left for the other side of the world.
We had been back together for 3-4 months after a 9 month split (in a relationship for a year and a half - I now realise we had mini recycles during that time too and I was like a rag doll she would pick up and down). I knew nothing about BPD until this last episode and she text me that perhaps she had a personality disorder and suggested BPD and asked me to google it. This was just before leaving on Christmas Day!  for the other side of the world - telling me she didn't know who she was and needed to find herself and be 'free'.   I was immediately replaced!   but of course was told 3-4 weeks prior that I was  'her one and only' and that she was wanted a life and everything with me. I was distraught! The 9 months I spent away were the worst 9 months of my life ... .I beat myself up at least everyday for the first 7 months that everything was my fault - as she made me feel it was before walking out and never looking back ... .: until the texts started 9 months later. I am in a better place at the 4 month mark now than I was the last time. However, this last week or so I have really struggled and I hate it. She has moved on ( no shock there) and it just hurts. The new one is all over social media (I don't look anymore but I do ask a friend what's on there) I know I shouldn't and I guess it's no better than looking really. Openly they are on social media together and it's all hearts and roses etc! I absolutely hate that she just gets on and moves on. And I also worry that there has been no diagnosis of BPD and maybe she doesn't have it? ... but the traits are there and she must have thought it to even suggest it to me. I really want her to have BPD so I can make sense of all of this and that what I'm feeling is okay. But that prob sounds really callous. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her; wonder how she is; wonder if she has finally met 'the one'; wonder if she ever ever thinks about me. I'm longing for the 'time' when I don't think about her at all. I want to be angry because over time she really has treated me so badly but I just can't get those anger feelings for any length of time. I miss her, I feel sad etc etc and I wished I didn't. I have her number and can see her WhatsApp pic ... heart breaking to see her and the replacement smiling back at me. But for some reason I cannot delete the number. I know I should as it's just torturing myself so why can't I ? Then I ask the question will she ever try to contact me again. I found out I'd been replaced within a matter of weeks and confronted her about it via text. In the end and for my own sanity, I sent her a 'nice' text saying I needed closure and I needed to try and move on. Her response was immediate (whereas I had agonized over my text) and she said I did mean a lot to her although it probably didn't seem like it and maybe in time we could be friends but she could understand if I didnt want to be and she hoped I would move on quickly as I deserved to. ! Those words seemed to me to be an end to it and for good this time? No idea how long she'll be there for but has a years visa. Spoke about living there permanently if she can as she hates the U.K and feels it's a place she won't feel low and down? In my head she is just running away but maybe she will find true happiness and maybe this recent replacement is the one she can be truly happy with?
I am so up and down and get stuck. I know I need to keep busy and concentrate on me but it's unbelievably hard. And I know I need to take courage in the fact that I have managed to stay NC now for 4 months. I do have the urge to message at the moment but know it would be a mistake. I desperately want to not think of her. I hate this and I hate her for moving on and looking happy ... .did I ever mean anything to her when she can just move on as she has done. That is what is so difficult  I hate that I can't think better of myself too and know that i deserve better. These feelings also come and go. What else can I do? Sorry for rambling

[KtotheK]

I'm feeling really wobbly. It's been 4 months since I had any contact with my udBPD ex and she left for the other side of the world.
We had been back together for 3-4 months after a 9 month split (in a relationship for a year and a half - I now realise we had mini recycles during that time too and I was like a rag doll she would pick up and down). I knew nothing about BPD until this last episode and she text me that perhaps she had a personality disorder and suggested BPD and asked me to google it. This was just before leaving on Christmas Day!  for the other side of the world - telling me she didn't know who she was and needed to find herself and be 'free'.   I was immediately replaced!   but of course was told 3-4 weeks prior that I was  'her one and only' and that she was wanted a life and everything with me. I was distraught! The 9 months I spent away were the worst 9 months of my life ... .I beat myself up at least everyday for the first 7 months that everything was my fault - as she made me feel it was before walking out and never looking back ... .: until the texts started 9 months later. I am in a better place at the 4 month mark now than I was the last time. However, this last week or so I have really struggled and I hate it. She has moved on ( no shock there) and it just hurts. The new one is all over social media (I don't look anymore but I do ask a friend what's on there) I know I shouldn't and I guess it's no better than looking really. Openly they are on social media together and it's all hearts and roses etc! I absolutely hate that she just gets on and moves on. And I also worry that there has been no diagnosis of BPD and maybe she doesn't have it? ... but the traits are there and she must have thought it to even suggest it to me. I really want her to have BPD so I can make sense of all of this and that what I'm feeling is okay. But that prob sounds really callous. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her; wonder how she is; wonder if she has finally met 'the one'; wonder if she ever ever thinks about me. I'm longing for the 'time' when I don't think about her at all. I want to be angry because over time she really has treated me so badly but I just can't get those anger feelings for any length of time. I miss her, I feel sad etc etc and I wished I didn't. I have her number and can see her WhatsApp pic ... heart breaking to see her and the replacement smiling back at me. But for some reason I cannot delete the number. I know I should as it's just torturing myself so why can't I ? Then I ask the question will she ever try to contact me again. I found out I'd been replaced within a matter of weeks and confronted her about it via text. In the end and for my own sanity, I sent her a 'nice' text saying I needed closure and I needed to try and move on. Her response was immediate (whereas I had agonized over my text) and she said I did mean a lot to her although it probably didn't seem like it and maybe in time we could be friends but she could understand if I didnt want to be and she hoped I would move on quickly as I deserved to. ! Those words seemed to me to be an end to it and for good this time? No idea how long she'll be there for but has a years visa. Spoke about living there permanently if she can as she hates the U.K and feels it's a place she won't feel low and down? In my head she is just running away but maybe she will find true happiness and maybe this recent replacement is the one she can be truly happy with?
I am so up and down and get stuck. I know I need to keep busy and concentrate on me but it's unbelievably hard. And I know I need to take courage in the fact that I have managed to stay NC now for 4 months. I do have the urge to message at the moment but know it would be a mistake. I desperately want to not think of her. I hate this and I hate her for moving on and looking happy ... .did I ever mean anything to her when she can just move on as she has done. That is what is so difficult  I hate that I can't think better of myself too and know that i deserve better. These feelings also come and go. What else can I do? Sorry for rambling

[happendtome]

There isnt much you can do and contacting her wont give you anything really. Other than that you would reset your timer again. You wouldnt get closure and what is that CLOSURE anyway?
That is something what i have asked from myself lately. I mean, if someone dumps someone then what closure you would expect from dumper? BPD or no BPD. Im sorry and i hope you will find someone who would love you? That you already received. Closure exists only then when both sides want to get out. All the other times you have to get that closure from yourself. No dumper will give you honest or something you would like to hear for closure.

Now, you have to raise your game. If someone dumps you then you dont go back. No matter what. Never. Forget that scarcity thinking. You are not her orbiter. She made her choice, she will live with that now. Her problems are not your problems anymore. If she would contact you someday in the future, keep yourself calm. Dont ask questions about her personal life. Dont show any interest. Be just polite. Maybe she doesnt contact you ever, thats ok too. I think, i have contacted only one of my ex-s from early days. But it doesnt mean i dont think about them. Its just that i have moved on. And i know i will move on from my BPDex too.

[bus boy]

Hang in there, it does get better. NC will set you free. I'm 2 years and still have my struggle moments but I'm a far cry from where I was a year ago, even 6 months ago for that matter.

[KtotheK]

Thank you ... .it's the moving on that's the issue. Some days I feel capable of doing so and other days I am nowhere near it and don't feel I am capable. I think that's the hardest thing ... trying to stay on that even keel of positivity. I'm so up and down. I just want to fast forward and get to the point where I no longer give a damn and I'm free and over it all and the point where if she was to contact me it would not matter. Clearly after 9 months I wasn't near that the last time... .however I also didn't know a thing about BPD, let alone that she may have it. Time time time I know it's a matter of time and healing

[KtotheK]

Hang in there, it does get better. NC will set you free. I'm 2 years and still have my struggle moments but I'm a far cry from where I was a year ago, even 6 months ago for that matter.

Thank you ... .I guess there is nothing any of us can do apart from just that ... .hang in there and allow time to heal... .and try as best as possible to concentrate on ourselves.

[RomanticFool]

Hi KtotheK,

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. It is a hard thing to bear when the person we thought was our soulmate leaves abruptly and then finds someone else.

Moving to the other side of the world is called 'doing a geographical.' She thinks it will fix her but it won't. She has to take her head with her.

Whoever she is seeing now is to be pitied. She will do exactly the same thing to him. I would bet money that she will come back to you... .and when she does RUN.

You cannot help this woman. SHE IS NOT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. SHE IS NOT EVEN A WOMAN YOU SHOULD EVER BE WITH. Do some reading on the this site of the beliefs that prevent us detaching from a borderline.

You don't know it yet, but the most wonderful thing has happened to you. She is out of your life and you are free. Free from the 10 years of misery she would have put you through had you stayed with her. I've had 14 years of this crap with my exBPD married lover. It feels great to finally be free of the anxiety and pain.

Once you are over her, find a girl who has the emotional capacity to love you back. Your ex doesn't and never will, unless she has intensive therapy, which borderlines rarely do. Enjoy your freedom from her tyranny.

Now stop worrying about what she is doing and focus on yourself. You were in a co-dependent relationship, which means it was one sided and psychologically abusive. Ask yourself what made you stay in this kind of r/s. What was your relationship with your mother like?

Co-dependency is an addiction and we can get addicted to the negative feelings and the drama. We may feel that it livens up our boring life. This is why you need to focus on yourself and find something you love doing that takes you away from thoughts of her.

Keep reading the literature on here and keep posting. We are all in the same boat here and can help each other recover.

[KtotheK]

Thank you romanticfool for your reply I desperately want the new relationship not to work as it would suggest BPD and also because I've been hurt so much by her. But I will try and take your advice on board and think of me. I really appreciate you replying ... it means so much and yes we are all here for each other. I have beern having therapy since the walk out by her before the 9 month NC. So I am trying to concentrate on me although I always seems to allow my mind to wander. I guess it's a case of being strong. Thank you again

[Harley Quinn]

Hi KtotheK,

Forgive me if you've already read this piece but this has been really helpful to me in the early days.  It's in the Insights section.  Sorry I'm being ditsy and can't get the link to work so it's under Surviving a failed romantic relationship, on the page titled Breaking up with a person with BPD and the article is called Surviving a Break up when your partner has BPD.  I still look at it sometimes to remind myself of the beliefs we can cling to and it gives me strength.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality  Aha! Nailed it!... .I think 

Hang in there.  You know you're worth more than to accept that kind of treatment.  I think we should all consider doing something we always wanted to but never got around to.  One way to keep distracted  

Love and light x

[KtotheK]

Hi KtotheK,

Forgive me if you've already read this piece but this has been really helpful to me in the early days.  It's in the Insights section.  Sorry I'm being ditsy and can't get the link to work so it's under Surviving a failed romantic relationship, on the page titled Breaking up with a person with BPD and the article is called Surviving a Break up when your partner has BPD.  I still look at it sometimes to remind myself of the beliefs we can cling to and it gives me strength.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality  Aha! Nailed it!... .I think 

Hang in there.  You know you're worth more than to accept that kind of treatment.  I think we should all consider doing something we always wanted to but never got around to.  One way to keep distracted  

Love and light x

Hi, thank you so much. I've just read it and already it has helped. I already know that I will re-read when I need some strength and when I need reminding of what this is all about.

Thank you