Hi there...

[Laila P]

Hi everyone... .it has taken me a long time to pluck up the courage to send a message on here so please be kind

[RomanticFool]

Hi Laila,

Welcome to the forum. You will find all the help you may need if you are experiencing a problem with somebody who may have BPD or BPD traits. Feel free to post your story here and have a look at the posts of other members. There is also a wealth of information on the site on the subject of BPD.

RF

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Laila,

Your profile suggests you have an ex partner who may be the reason you've arrived to this site.  Would that be right? 

I've only just started to post too, although I've done TONS of reading beforehand on the site (obsessively went through all the articles, insights, polls, tests etc. in a matter of days - just couldn't get enough!), then devoured the boards to see what others have to say.  I find it so reassuring to know none of us are alone with this and can relate to one another's experiences.  It's eye opening how similar our exes can be to one another in some of their behaviours.  I second what RF says.  Feel free to share whatever you wish.  Everyone on here can empathise and will treat you with respect whilst giving their honest feedback to any question.  There is a lot of wisdom here.  Be comfortable in getting out whatever you need to.  It's a safe place.

Love and light x

[Laila P]

Hi again! I did try to post more info with my introductory message earlier but I don't know what went wrong :0( I'll try again now! So here is a short overview of my story:

I had a relationship with and fell deeply in love with a man Rory with BPD. However when I met Rory I was already in a relationship with another man called Ben, who I left to be with Rory. Sadly the relationship with Rory quickly went sour and he began to rage at me more and more frequently so I ended this relationship. I had no idea he had been diagnosed with BPD until after the relationship was over but when I found out everything made perfect sense.

I have since gone back to Ben who I have been with for over 10 years. He knows nothing about Rory though and just thinks I left because things were not good between us at the time (which they weren't!). I am now living a nightmare of guilt as I try desperately to rebuild and improve my relationship with Ben whilst beibg torn as I am still in fact madly in love with Rory even though I know he could never make me happy. My head has been so messed up by meeting Rory as before the raging I was the happiest I have ever been and felt I had met my kindred spirt! I have however had to completely cut him out of life as his anger and unreasonable attacks on me started to make me very unwell. The crayzee thing is even though he was completely unhealthy for me I miss him everyday and feel lost without him in my life.

Does anyone out there understand my position? Possibly not... .I feel very alone in this world since all this happened.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated!

Many thanks,
Laila P x

[RomanticFool]

Hi Laila,

Sorry you are in pain at the moment. You will find that everybody on this board can empathise with your pain.

I myself am struggling with the pain of splitting up from a woman with BPD, albeit undiagnosed, and it has been a very tough 7 weeks.

We all feel like our BPDs were our soulmates and that we had met a kindred spirit, but unfortunately a person with BPD is prone to unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions. This means that they make difficult partners to either understand or cope with.

A good thing to do at the moment is to focus on yourself. Do you know why you got into this relationship with the BPD? Is the relationship with your partner salvageable?

Have a look at the suggested reading material on this board, particularly around co-dependency and what makes us susceptible to a pwBPD. Keep sharing on here also, discussion with other members is the key to recovery. We are all here for you.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Laila,

I think we all struggle with missing our exPBD's, despite all that happened between us.  They are so magnetic and enigmatic from the outset and hit us with such lovebombing that we form an addictive bond to them which is very hard to break.  Hence so many of us knowingly stay too long for it to be good for us.  I lost so much through my relationship with exBPDbf and he put me through hell and back, yet I love him deeply and miss him every day.  The longing is very intense.  It is so difficult not to think about him, although I've got past the initial desperation to contact him and am moving forwards one step at a time.  Turning my focus and attention to other things I love in life is the only way to put him out of my mind for a while.
 Time is the great healer and we lucky souls may need considerably more time than after your average relationship to break that bond.  We can and will though if we remember what isn't good for us, learn to love ourselves more and want a better future for ourselves.  Above all else, look after yourself and do what is good for you and makes you happy.    

Don't want to pry (and just ignore my questions if they seem that way)... .Are you back with the previous ex because you feel this is right for you?  Is it possible you're seeking comfort in a relationship which you say wasn't good to avoid being alone?  Struggling with guilt on top of everything else you're feeling must be very hard.  To not have that burden of covering up how you feel would be a relief I'm sure.  I am guessing you don't want to hurt this guy and that's honourable.  If you do wish to build a future with him, then openness can only be a strengthener of that(without getting into details that would be unnecessarily painful for him of course), unless you believe it would be more than he could handle?  How do you think he'd react if you told him you met someone between breaking up and getting back together?  

Meanwhile, continue to make use of this board as a place to vent, seek help support and solace any time.  I'm so glad we all found it.  I'd be lost without.

Love and light x