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Author Topic: GF called after 3 days of NC; wants clean break.  (Read 365 times)
Owlsign
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« on: May 21, 2017, 07:49:14 PM »

This situation literally just happened to me and I feel I must write it all down now while my memory is fresh.

   A little back story first. I am a male in my mid 20’s, currently in undergrad. I met a woman, significantly older than I, about 15 years, she has two wonderful kids.
October: She told me she was interested in me. I took that on. A week later, she told me we should be friends and wait 6 months around May, as she doesn’t know if she can be in a relationship.
She changed her mind and decided she wants to be with me.
FASTFORWARD. December: Said she wants her autonomy and wants an open relationship. I disagreed. Things were rocky for a couple weeks, but she decided let's keep things the way they are (this was confusing as she suggested we be mutually exclusive in November)
Told me she loved me after 3 months. I was on the fence for a month or two. But agreed, maybe due to her guilting me about not reciprocating it.
We had our weekly setbacks and disagreements, always Hot/Cold. She became very territorial, and possessive over me. Especially over my ex, and a mutual friend of ours that was married. This has continued to this day. Many arguments about this.
A few times, things got to the point where she would say “I am done, there are too many irreconcilable differences to move forward”, then tell me the next day, “ she has no idea what she would do without me, and my patience”. And that she loves me. A plethora of other scenarios, that were quite challenging happened up to the present, which are much in line with most other posters, and for the sake of the readers I will not describe every detail. However, never have there been any suicidal tendencies.  
Although, so far we have dated for 7 months( short I know) but intense and passionate. For her, this has been the longest relationship she has been in since her ex-husband of 2 years, approx 5 years ago.Typically, she has casual 3 month things here and there. Therefore I feel I am somewhat a special case, as perhaps my patience has shown through till now.

Now to the present moment.

(This is before I was familiar with BPD Family)
Recently this past week, I sense something was askew when I accidentally ran into her at school. She was acting distant and I inquired why. She said “ I am creating this distance because I need space,” I said alright, and I left. A couple days went by, talking minimally on the phone, as she typically “check-in” with me, to see where and what I am doing.  We made plans to meet up later that week and talk/hang out. We were eating and I asked if there was anything that was going on that needed to be talked about. She said, “ Well, yes”, “I feel we should create some space between one another to ensure we are not neglecting our friends, and that we can be autonomous agents and have experiences outside of the relationship”. I said “ I agree”, she quickly added “ In no way am I wanting this, because I am romantically involved with someone, I love you and want to continue loving you, I just cannot be your “girlfriend”, nothing will change between us, just that we won't see each other all the time”. I agreed, I thought this could work out and be wonderful, as she can be quite possessive at times.  We were intimate, and then I left. I decided since this veil of possessiveness was lifted, I decided (to my demise), I wanted to hang out with my platonic woman friend (who happens to be dating my best friend) because my best friend was out of town. We hung out, strictly plutonic. It was great!

I had been asked by my SO to get a ride to an appointment the next day, which I did.  She asked me what I did that evening, and I told her. I hung with (X) and there was a slight pause, and an “oh”, “I suppose that’s fine”. Then she retracted that statement and things began to boil. She asked me “What it means to love her”, and her tone was sharp so failing, I became defensive, and said, “if you are asking me, what it means to love you, then you must not love me”. This is where things took a spiral, after her appointment, she continued to raise her voice, and mildly insult me by stating I was weaponizing her statement to hurt her. ( I wish I knew about JADE or SET about now).  Mind you it’s Thursday, I dropped her off. She texted me a couple things saying that she was done putting energy into this, I stated, I wish we could communicate about this further, I really do no think we should end it like this. She said, “ I am not putting any more energy into this”. I did not respond. NC ensued till today. From Friday-Today I researched BPD as my friend has a similar story, and suggested I give it a read. So I did. I am quite relieved that my experience is valid and others are witness to this type of behavior. Very grateful for this community thus far.
 I told myself I would give her space and see what I think in a week.  I was very surprised she called me today, she wanted to “check-in”, she asked me how I was doing, I said “ I am alright”, she said she was “ok”. She wanted to know if we could meet up to get my things from her place. I said yes Thursday should work. I felt calm and was fresh off reading the message board so I felt confident. I asked, “ could we talk in person sometime?” She said “No”, she has no desire to see me, talk to me, or work things out. She suggested I email her, or write to her, she said she would respond. I validated her, “ I understand you this is what you want, and feel its best for you”. “I simply request that we talk face to face, I am not trying to change anything”. To my surprise, I began simply asking matter of fact questions such as. ME“Why can’t we communicate in person? SHE”I do no want to”, ME“Why is it that you do not want to? SHE “Because it will emotionally confuse me”, “and I have made up my mind, and I have removed myself from the situation completely, I do not wish to communicate with you”. I keep calmly inquiring, to my surprise things didn’t escalate, she just kept her position. However, it did seem to vary slightly as initially, it was: Calling to check in- Let's meet up to get your things-I do not want to see you or communicate-I’ll leave your things on my porch.

Throughout this, she would say things like, “We are over I am done, I need to go”, but I would calmly state “I understand you feel that way, and that is what is best for you, although why are we over?” she continued to respond. At no point did she avoid questions, so I felt I was getting somewhere.  However, she said we would check in next week and see what to do about my things because she had to go. I am glad to say I did not take any of this personal. As I could tell ( by the reading I had done) she was trying to hurt me, out of her own pain? Maybe that she misses me deep down( I hope), I felt things overall went neutral, they could have gone soo much worse. The only thing was that she kept her position on not wanting to see me( even though we have to see each other in Fall)
My closing remarks were: I love you, I am here for you if you need anything, I miss you and hope we can communicate sometimes. She said" okay, bye" do you advise against this language? I honestly do not know if it is beneficial. but I was feeling it at that moment.

however, she has painted me black and says she needs space.

Now to my particular curiosities.

I am confused why she called me, and told me the things she did. I suspect that she was upset with me for not calling her right away the next day? She was very explicit in telling me “ I need space”, “we are through”.  I took those to task. Should I have done something different? ( this is before I knew about BPD)

Is she testing me? Typically when we have a fight, I run to the rescue and try my best to rectify the situation. Either by calling, or a romantic gesture. This time I didn’t.

Why would she not want to communicate with me, yet... she is the one calling me? Suggesting that we email from now on. Wouldn’t she have emailed me initially, stating this?

I calmly kept repeating, “I think it would be beneficial if we talked in person”, SHE “Not going to happen, sorry”.  Should I have used another method of conveying this?

Should I maintain NC and wait for her?, as I have a sneaking suspicion that, the reason she stated she does not want to talk to me anymore is that I did initiate chasing her. And deep down she wants me to reach out to her?

I am curious if this is truly the end. and I should trust that she doesn't want to see me again.

As my intuition is telling me it isn’t? Perhaps she is just hurt? I am confused.

Lastly, Thank you for those who got through all of this! I have read just about all the material and workshops of this website, watched all of the videos, and scrolled through countless personal stories.  I know this is a lot of material but I am first time poster, give a guy a break  
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insideout77
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 65


« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2017, 09:57:39 AM »

It sounds like you are really having a tough time there and im sorry for all the hassle you are going through.

I'm curios why you don't let this go?  What is really driving your desire to be with this person? Why be with someone who doesn't have basic respect for you?   Its a two way street. If she wants you , you will know and if she doesn't want you , but would rather keep you on a yoyo as you have been, why do you want her?
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Owlsign
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2017, 12:53:25 PM »

Hello Insideout77,

I hear you, I really do. Often in these situations of asking for advice, the negativities seem to shine through and taint the joy that is experienced in the relationship. As my friend's tell me the same things "Why waste your time?" That is both a subjective and metaphysical argument that does not apply sufficiently to the feeling of Love I have for this person, and this person has reciprocated, even through the hard times. She has told me many things that show she is aware of her behavior and has reassured me that she appreciates me staying and that she couldn't do it without me(let's assume this is true)

Why I do not want to let this go:

Because she and I have amazing cooperation and strong feelings for one another majority of the time.
I believe that we do Love each other. And that our arguments are fueled by past trauma, not present.

My drive to be with this person:

Because I believe there is true potential for us maintaining and cooperating in the future. Based on the conversations and history that she has described to me(let's assume this is also true), we are very much compatible, and that possibility is quite attractive. We share a lot of activities together and teach one another things that are extremely valuable.

I would ask you why you feel she doesn't have basic respect for me?
As she may be disrespectful at times. But this doesn't mean she disrespects my total being.

Moreover, I have difficulty agreeing with you that if she wants me I will know. As reading many stories, it feels as though there is an elussive trait of counterintuitiveness, which suggests saying/acting one thing/way, doesnt neccessary follow logically. She says she doesnt want to communicate but I feel she is hurt that I havent contacted her sooner, therefore she is trying to hurt me in order to protect her self.
I base this off of the conversation we had, if she wanted to only have email contact she would have emailed me rather than call me. And the fact that I was hanging out with a friend may have triggered a response that I was fine with all of this, and that I was not experiencing any pain.( this is just my hunch)

I want her becuase I Love her, we have had many valid expereiences, accomplished many successful projects. Traveled to many places successfully, and both agreed that we Love one another. Thereofore, I feel this is worth sticking with as my staminia for the situation is yet to be met. When we are together , and things are smooth, it is amazing.

I appreciate your reply, as it made me think critically about these important questions. Which will help an ongoing process of closure if need be.



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insideout77
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 65


« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2017, 03:18:09 PM »

my point is, that a healthy relationship wouldn't create a fraction of the drama you are talking about.

When I ask about "respecting you". You are entitled to be respected all the time. always forever. the excuses that she makes and you pass on are just that. excuses. So im trying to get you to ask yourself, is it the drama that attracts you?  Take a step back, figure out who you are, work on yourself and build up your self esteem to the point that you are not attracted to people who don't respect you for you are and want you to change. b/c there is absolutely no way you are ever going to change her, the only person you can change is yourself.
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