Roller coaster behaviour

[totallydrained]

Hi,
Married 32 years. 4 children... .all adults. Verbal and emotional abuse has been happening by my husband towards me since the beginning of our relationship. Good times in between the outbursts. A lot of name calling and belittling. Stayed for the kids thinking it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately they saw and heard too much, our dysfunctional relationship has affected them too. One of them displays same behaviour. Way too many incidents to list. The most recent was the straw that broke the camels back.
I walked past my H who was sitting on the couch... .he stuck out his legs tripping me... .he thinks these things are funny and " I was just joking"

I fell hard onto the hardwood jarring my neck and hurting my wrist. My glasses went flying across the floor. It was very humiliating laying there and him just sitting there. He made no attempt to ask me if I was ok or help me up.
I said to him... .it would have been nice if you could have helped me up.
His reply was " I'm sick" He had an ear infection.
Lots has happened over the years but this incident really bothered me and I'm having a hard time bouncing back.
When I tried to talk to him later about me not appreciating being tripped and how I had hurt my neck and wrist... .he rolled his eyes and said "oh here we go" complaint about something again... .if you complain about so much and are not happy with me... .why are we living together... .very good question.
I can never bring up anything that bothers me because he shuts me down , telling me I m picking a fight or complaining AGAIN... .so not true. I pick my battles.
For the last few years I have shutdown... .I never bring anything up to talk about because he shuts me down and is very belittling.
Not once since has he asked if I am ok... .my wrist or neck... .or apologized.
Something happens verbally or emotionally every few days... .but this was the first time I got hurt.
He thing he's being funny and amusing by doing things like sticking his legs out ... .
Not my idea of a joke. If you need info on other incidents I can post them... .so many incidents... .

[dealingwithit]

You should probably put some boundaries in with this behavior. I understand that is difficult.

[Nordrhein]

Hi totallydrained, 

rollercoaster, never bring up anything to talk about because of H's shutdowns, he causes you to fall and hurt yourself, but HIS pain is worse, doesn't show minimum empathy... .And, of course, YOU are the one always complaining. From your chosen nickname to all the ''key BPD concepts'' - I could relate straight away. Except the 34 years! I've only had it 6 and a half and am pretty much sick of it - you are made of some strong stuff to be able to put up with this for so long! So sorry!

I also found it interesting you mentioned you stayed because of the kids-which is what I am doing at the moment- D5 - and, obviously, having MAJOR dilemma with it as my H is D BPD.
You certainly don't deserve this sort of treatment! If you haven't already, gather up as much info as possible and see about your options. It's not easy to take effective action, but neither is putting up with the hell of BPD on a daily basis without doing something about it. You have to think of yourself, you have surely given so much to everybody (4 kids!) - your needs are important just like everyone else's! But you'll have to go and get it yourself. BPDs will not help you. You will get a lot of support here, this is a step in the right direction!
I wish you all the best!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey totally drained, Welcome!  It is draining to be married to a pwBPD, isn't it?  I reached a point in my marriage where I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.  Your story is quite familiar.  No, you don't deserve to be treated this way.  Abuse, whether verbal, emotional or physical, is unacceptable.  I'm sure you have many more incidents that you could list, in addition to the recent tripping episode.  The hard part about BPD is that there are "good times in between" as you note.  Yet the abuse always returns.  It's a cycle, which is why we often describe a BPD r/s as a roller coaster.

What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  Many of us have been down this road before you, so you are not alone.  Let us know if you have any particular questions.  The important thing is for you to be kind and loving towards yourself, as an initial step.

LuckyJim