Can we ever be friends with them?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I don't know why I've been thinking this more and more lately...
If they are in therapy could this work?

Is it because
I feel stronger
Because I still despite it all want to make sure he is ok

Is it because I was friends with him first ?

He's my letter carrier?

I'm feeling more loss vs hate?

I'm not sure, but lately I wish I could just pick up the phone and say hey

I can't because reality is he took out a false protection order on me...

I would never Exeter a relationship again, as that has a final ending... .

Then another part of me says... .how after all he has done can you think any of the above?

Like myncoincilor said hate is so much easier to deal with then hurt.

Tonite my new housemate arrived... .and thetopic someonehow came up about breakups... .and as we stood there looking at each other ... both holding back tears... .we shared our painful stories.  I'm not one to open up... .and didn't reveal all... .but it helps knowing I'm not alone and for two hours we talked and just let it all out. We have a lot in common and both been with abusive , mentally ill men.

[Idsrvt2]

I don't know why I've been thinking this more and more lately...
If they are in therapy could this work?

Is it because
I feel stronger
Because I still despite it all want to make sure he is ok

Is it because I was friends with him first ?

He's my letter carrier?

I'm feeling more loss vs hate?

I'm not sure, but lately I wish I could just pick up the phone and say hey

I can't because reality is he took out a false protection order on me...

I would never Exeter a relationship again, as that has a final ending... .

Then another part of me says... .how after all he has done can you think any of the above?

Like myncoincilor said hate is so much easier to deal with then hurt.

Tonite my new housemate arrived... .and thetopic someonehow came up about breakups... .and as we stood there looking at each other ... both holding back tears... .we shared our painful stories.  I'm not one to open up... .and didn't reveal all... .but it helps knowing I'm not alone and for two hours we talked and just let it all out. We have a lot in common and both been with abusive , mentally ill men.

[In a bad way]

It's strange that you just posted this, 15 minutes ago at 4.15 am I went on messenger to read a message from earlier and it was showing my ex as active.
I know she has to get up at 6.45 and I also know that she would have fallen asleep on the sofa and just woke up and decided to check facebook, that's what she does.
The urge to press the button to ring was pretty hard to fight, like you I just wanted to say "hey are you OK?".

Pretty depressing when you can't even say hello to the woman who last time I saw her was wearing my engagement ring.

[Turkish]

Like myncoincilor said hate is so much easier to deal with then hurt.

Do you agree with this?

[Moselle]

I don't know why I've been thinking this more and more lately...
If they are in therapy could this work?

It's a perfectly normal question to ask. Can this work?  You've been remembering the good parts of the relationship?

What we imagine the relationship to be is NOT what was going through the Borderline's head however. It's important to remember that

In my experience, this is a phase we go through. The passage of time is your friend here. It will fade. A useful exercise might be to decide for yourself what you want from a friendship. Spend a few hours remembering what healthy looks like. Eg laughter, openness, vulnerability, kindness. Then look for friends with these attributes. Since my BPD/NPD relationship I have found 6 such people. I sought them out and they are my fruends. People I can call on. These are real friends. I don't need the false friendship offered by a Borderline any more.  

ldsrvt2, I wish you all the best in your recovery

[insideoutside]

No, it doesn't work.

I've been trying to have a friendship with an old boyfriend for nearly 2 years; even though we are not romantically involved I have still been subjected to push/pull, silent treatment and being told he no longer wants or needs me in his life and then resurfaces again a few months later with a half assed apology.  I haven't spoken to him now in 10 weeks after losing my cool with him push/pulling again and we both pretty much told each other not to contact one another again.  I have tried to be a good friend, always there if he needed someone to talk to, took his push/pull and silent treatment without getting too annoyed previously but nothing worked.  It still resulted in him pushing my buttons, having no respect for my feelings and thinking he could walk all over me.

It doesn't matter if you are in a relationship, friendship or are even family; a pwBPD cannot help themselves triangulate, push/pull and give silent treatment to whoever enters their life. My friend has supposedly been in therapy for years... .and he's difficult to handle at times so can't even imagine trying to be friend with a pwBPD who wasn't in therapy.

So 10 weeks no contact on either side; I'm past it now though and couldn't give a fig about how he feels anymore.

Good luck!

[roberto516]

I don't know about you. But a friendship with my ex would still be me doing everything for her, helping her with stuff, offering emotional support with nothing in return. So for me it's a big no. And plus it would devastate me even more to be her friend and then the day she tells me to get away because she has found a boyfriend. That would destroy me.

[Rayban]

Idsrvt2

I know how much you miss him. That doesn't go away over night, I get that. You have mutual protective orders on each other fake  or not. How do you invision a friendship with this person?

I think it's time you start seeking new friendships, meet new people.  Based on what you write, your life still revolves around him. Earlier on you were stuck inside your home cause you didn't want to see him. Then you seem to know is schedule and what he does on his mail route. Recently you've been to a place that you used to go to with him, after trying to get his attention by wearing a tank top.

You are making detachment harder for yourself.  Startdoing things for yourself.  Change your agenda so you don't run into him. Discover new places to go discover for yourself.  Small actions lead you to your goal of detaching. If that's what you really want.

[Idsrvt2]

My x is a recluse, so he doesn't goto the place I went to and never would ... .it's a place I found and I like it there, so I'm not going to stop going. My x only leaves his house to go grocery shopping.

My thought is that his family told him to get the protection orders as he wanted them dropped and told his attorney to say he only broke up because he has low self esteem and thought I deserved better.

 I do know his schedule as I have known it for four years... .I do eBay and it's engrained in my mind... plus he would talk to me daily ... .

I could only have a friendship with him if he was off the internet and fake life and out in the real life again... and was more stable ... he claims he is transgender and when I stupidly checked his social media he said he was making a push to get back out there... .that hurt because that's what I wanted him to do all along.

This would have been much easier if he had just went peacefully or not broke up with me at all... .the protection order was not needed ... .I think that's what I get stuck on.  


It's difficult to meet new people at my age most are married with kids and don't go out.

 Have no real friends

[Idsrvt2]

I guess I've been remembering the good parts , yes his one persona ... .he claims six years ago he was not like he is now... .but of course I didn't know him six years ago, but when we were togetherness I did find old posts of his where he seemed happy and was out in life living and socializing.

I do also remember the bad... .him showing up while working knocking on my door and breaking up with me, leaving me crying, saying he didn't know what to do... .

I also remember him texting he never felt comfortable around me and now he knew why and his sister was always right about me... .I never met the sister ... .
that is probably how my x sees me and the relationship... .me being some evil person out to get him like he claims most in his past have done.  

I said some mean things during the breakup, but I was in tons of pain and he didn't seem to care as he still dumped me... .that day it was the person I hate ... the one that felt no connection with people ... .a few days later after ignoring me he accuses me of harassing him but he still feels for me... .all this texted as he walked the route right around my home... .he could have stopped and easily talked to me to smooth it over and didn't ... .

It's like he had no connection that I was in physical pain... .he actually texted dont follow him... .I never once followed him... .as I lay there in pain that's the texts I was getting.,,I guess I should remember that the most ... .that side of him is what took over the most

It's what I just typed above that I hate... .and I know that's part of him despite him saying that years ago he wasn't like this.
I also remember how hurt I felt when he said he wished he met me six years ago before he became reclusive and he wishes he didn't let himself get so bad.

Sometimes though I wonder how much of the recluse was an act or just an diction to online life... .because he can still work and walk around all day in public.

I doubt he thinks of me at all either ... .as he once said to me once he's done with a person he is done.    

I guess I will see in July in court how I feel and what he looks like then... .if he still looks as mentally ill as he did the last two times.  

[Idsrvt2]

Yes, when I feel hate towards him, I'm not missing him... .for me it is easier to hate for now anyway

Do you agree with this?

[Pretty Woman]

Think about this... .

Why would you want to be friends with someone who treated you with such disrespect and callousness?

If they were nasty to you as a lover, I can say with certainty they won't be kinder as a friend. If they were your friend they wouldn't have hurt, abandoned and slandered you.

I have dated several men who weren't disordered. I am friends with ALL of them. Yes, it ended with hurt feelings, most breakups do... .but they were considerate of me and I was of them. We didn't parade our new "amores" in front of each other while the other was healing. We CARED about each other even though we weren't a match romantically.

One of my ex's actually got me through this breakup with my BPD ex, and he is getting married next month to a wonderful gal he met when he moved out of state. I am so happy for him! He is the sweetest man and a great friend. He will make an amazing husband. Another ex's wife WORKS FOR ME! Again, couldn't be happier. We sincerely wish the best for each other.

While my ex (the BPD one) was treating me horribly, my one ex was mortified. He told me I was not the woman he dated so many years ago... .that woman would never have tolerated this treatment.

He was right. Life had hardened me and my self-esteem was in the crapper. Back then, it wasn't.

Work on yourself, Find YOU again and happiness will appear. It sounds cheezy but it's true. Don't settle for someone who treats you like crud.

You can do better. 

[Moselle]

Work on yourself, Find YOU again and happiness will appear. It sounds cheezy but it's true. Don't settle for someone who treats you like crud.

You can do better. 

 

[Idsrvt2]

Thank you for your reply.  I know you're right,  I've posted on here before about how my X out of the blue Xmas eve, after I had msg him on,one the nite before that it seemed he was blowing me off... .appeared and yelled st me thatbhe was not right in his head, he hurts everyone and with tears in his eyes he said don't u get it I like and care about you I don't want to hurt you.

I texted him a few texts because I was so confused... .supposedly the sister grabbed his phone and the bro in law joked he should get a RO on me but the. Said this girl really cares a lot for you. 

A few days after him telling me he was horrible he said he lied to push me a way and keep me from finding out the truth is he was raped and mutilated... .I now think that was a lie.

So, I'm not sure if he followed his families advice or what for the protection order... .I do know he wanted it all dropped once in court.

I guess I need to remember him dumping me as I was in pain, him ignoring me... .him accusing me of harassing his mom when I told her he was suicidal and sleeping next to a computer. She replied he is nothing like his father, yet he would go in and on about how he feared putting me thru what his father did to his mom. In court she smiled at me a few times and crossed boaths and said hello.   It was surreal.   

My mind has been so twisted like what is really the truth... .is he the mean horrible person like his father ... . 

I just needed to get this off my chest today as I feel all scrambled today... .

I see my councilor tomorrow ... she feels he did this as a way to control me and said he was abusive... . 

I just feel like I'm not sure what is him vs what his family tells him to do and how he always wants them to be proud of him.

Then there is the sad reality that I accepted him transgender or not and he didn't value that ... .he threw me away

Think about this... .

Why would you want to be friends with someone who treated you with such disrespect and callousness?

If they were nasty to you as a lover, I can say with certainty they won't be kinder as a friend. If they were your friend they wouldn't have hurt, abandoned and slandered you.


Work on yourself, Find YOU again and happiness will appear. It sounds cheezy but it's true. Don't settle for someone who treats you like crud.

You can do better. 

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There,
   It has to be painful to have an RO placed on you, especially when all you have done is loved with an open and caring heart.

My ex threatened an RO on me but never placed one. That is because she hadn't found a replacement and ended up returning to me.

Their emotions are very "in the moment" and change quicker than minutes on the hour. Psychologically, I am sure the RO is making you want to "prove" you are not this terrible person.

Honey, you aren't. This is a person who cannot communicate like a "normal" person. The worst part is when they come to you begging for another chance, so wounded.

But it isn't your job to save him. You need to save YOU. In the end, my ex ran off with someone else and has slandered me so badly people will not look me in the eye.

People are scared of me.

Now I can laugh. Then, I couldn't. You want them to "prove" your innocence. You don't need them to prove anything. You know the truth and in the end, that's all that matters. Persons with BPD normally do not discriminate who they turn against. The people who don't believe you often end up in your situation down the line. Just keep working on you and let them figure that out for themselves the hard way.

[Idsrvt2]

Hello Again,
I can tell you have been where I am now... .it is very painful to have an RO on me... .and I'm not even sure if maybe a text of mine was delayed and reached him later... .because the date on the RO I did not send texts then he sent them to me but not at that time of nite... .I think it's that piece I don't get

I loved and cared with an open heart as he would often say once he is all in he is all in... .and he appeared all in... .

I have two new housemates and I chatted with the other one tonite... like the other girl she too has similar stories ... I didn't share the RO but with her and neither know the x is my letter carrier,,,I don't trust easily , but there is some comfort in knowing I'm in a house with others that have gone thru similar ... .it's a struggle to move past these guys it's as if we all dated the same guy., but we all are doing it the best we can... .

I'm crying in bed replying to this post... .it helps to just cry when I need to  inwill make something to eat soon... .

I think in court my x in away tried to win me back thru his atty ... .my mom said don't you dare agree or drop this so you can be his yo yo... .I stood my ground for me as well as for my x

He hasn't slandered me to neighbors that I know of as one is doing work for me tomorrow... .And others chat with me and wave still... .but I was slandered to his work... .that's fine as they know already he's a mess ... .no trucks drive by my house and I'm thankful it's like I'm in a no fly zone... .while I'm no longer triggered by the trucks it's nice to not see him daily driving by. 

You are so right he cannot communicate like a normal person ... .he's had no relationships not even in high school... .I think I was his first real gf at age 42.  Others he said would use him or throw him away  a few times he would tell me he didn't know dropping me off at 9pm on a Saturday wasn't normal or that not spending the nite wasn't normal he thought I would hit him like his father did while he slept... . 
how can he be ok with the life he has... .

I just wanted it to end peacefully ... .it's hard you know... .two months out... .like my councilor once said the recover is almost and unstable as the relationship... .lots of ups and downs... .

Thanks again your replies really help me

Hi There,
   It has to be painful to have an RO placed on you, especially when all you have done is loved with an open and caring heart.


Their emotions are very "in the moment" and change quicker than minutes on the hour. Psychologically, I am sure the RO is making you want to "prove" you are not this terrible person.

Honey, you aren't. This is a person who cannot communicate like a "normal" person. The worst part is when they come to you begging for another chance, so wounded.

But it isn't your job to save him. You need to save YOU.

[Idsrvt2]

That is depressing... .I think that is the worst thing is we can't just reach out and say hello ... not like you could with a normal x
[quote author=In a bad way link=topic=310098.msg12871295#msg12871295 date=1495424140

Pretty depressing when you can't even say hello to the woman who last time I saw her was wearing my engagement ring.

[/quote]

[bus boy]

I've seen this question on here before, it makes me scratch my head, but I've been in that " can we be friends mode" so I understand. The answer I came up with is why in gods name would we want to be friends with someone who treated us so cruel? They don't have friends in the true sense of the word, they lie, deceive, minipulate. I could care less if I ever talked to my Xw again. Let alone be friends, she's the last person I would ever want to talk to it go to as a friend. It empowers them to think you want to be friends.

[Doughboy]

The answer I came up with is why in gods name would we want to be friends with someone who treated us so cruel?

I think it depends on the Ex.  Mine is GREAT 80% of the time.  Never any violence, maybe 4 short rages in 16 months, no suicide attempts or threats, etc.  She WAS excellent at the push/pull, devaluing on the push, regular drama/chaos, and projection. 

We share a very large group of friends and have for over 25 years.  She is a good person with a problem.  Not a bad person.  There were many, many hours of good conversation and laughter.  Why would I not want to be friends with someone I enjoyed spending time with?

The issue for me is becomes, could I be friends without getting all caught up in the feels again?  My answer to that is is most definitely NO.  That is sad to me as she wanted to try and be friends and I somewhat sabotaged that by making the split hard out of fear and pain.  Now she is NC and I do not feel I will her from her again as she is High functioning and 75% self sufficient.  She can use her Church, random men, and other friends to make up that missing 25%. 

I am thankful my uBPDExfiance was not as far on the spectrum as others I read about.  I did not anywhere near the destruction that others have.  That is countered by the thought that if she was maybe I could stop thinking about her and stop having feelings for her and stop having nightmares about her killing herself... .

[Pretty Woman]

Listen to Busboy.

We all go through this at one stage or another. Yes, it's hard, you loved this woman, you put a ring on her finger but think about it... .

What did she do when that ring was on her finger? That may have been a symbol of love and commitment for you but it did not mean the same for her.   The hardest thing for me has been to let go of who I "wanted" her to be. I wanted her to be like that fun adoring woman in the beginning but that wasn't her. Who she was was the emotional succubus who lied, cheated and stole from me. The woman who would grow cold on an vacation and start texting in a corner, only for me later to find out she was trying to secure another and was bashing me. Me who planned, paid for and brought her on the trip as a gesture of love.

Why do we dismiss the bad for the good? Because we want to see the good in people. Many of us grew up in religious homes and were taught "do unto others".

We can still follow our teachings without being doormats. No one should accept abuse and give it a pass.

By being their friend you give them power to use you over and over as they like and now with no commitment. You are no longer dating and she owes you nothing.

I've watched my ex during my own relationship with her, leave me for exes she had been stringing along. Exes willing to stay in the rotation, only for her to crudely dismiss them at her fancy.

At one point in our union she left me for an ex from ten years previous. They reconnected two years before we dated, when this woman was going through a rough patch in her relationship.  So my ex leaves me, drives to another state and shows up on the doorstep of this woman and her partner my exes ex was so sure our ex was there to stay she left her wife or rather her wife left her. My ex and her ex went on vacation to rekindle the romance and during that week her partner moved completely out, took the cats and left the wedding ring.

As my ex drove back home she dialed me over 200 times. She said she made a mistake and just looking at her ex made her ill (she had groomed this woman for months).

She honestly broke up a 8yr marriage and then ditched her ex.

I would not wish that in anyone and I myself have been there with her too. I had started dating someone when she left me at one point and she came back... .just to split us.

It worked.

I would never fall for that again. That's not love. It's possession. You are a thing not a person to them. A need.

[Pretty Woman]

Ox has a valid point. We need to remember no person is the same and BPD's do fall within different ranges on the spectrum. Still, as he mentioned, could you be friends with your ex without old feelings, old wounds reopening? I couldn't. I couldn't hear about her current "love of her lufe@ and how amazing this person is without feeling hurt those same things were said to me in our relationship.

It's all about protecting yourself. If you can handle that, good for you. I know I couldn't even in a group setting.

[Moselle]

I've seen this question on here before, it makes me scratch my head, but I've been in that " can we be friends mode" so I understand. The answer I came up with is why in gods name would we want to be friends with someone who treated us so cruel? They don't have friends in the true sense of the word, they lie, deceive, minipulate. I could care less if I ever talked to my Xw again. Let alone be friends, she's the last person I would ever want to talk to it go to as a friend. It empowers them to think you want to be friends.

Spot on bus boy. Friendship to a pwBPD/NPD means a source of supply. It is not a two way reciprocal arrangement which most people think of.

My ex went through a phase of wanting to be friends as well. My response to her was "none of my friends abuses me. Why do I need to be friends with someone who does?"

[HopefulDad]

If you don't have kids with them, I have no idea why anyone would want to remain friends with a BPDx.  Cut the cord.

If you do have kids with them, hope for being friendly with them rather than being outright friends.  Makes parallel parenting so much easier.

[Idsrvt2]

I have an odd view because mine is a recluse so,wouldn't flaunt his new relationship in front of me... .I doubt he would magically morph into what he needs to inorder to rejoin life.

I think maybe I'm looking for just a civil parting of ways ... .as he said he wanted before I got that knock on my door that nite, 

As fate had it today I met a random stranger , and I'm not even looking to date... it was in the oddest of places ... .it's as if the u inverse is pulling me away from my xBPD... .counciling has given me good tools to spot flags

But in talking to this man I saw how odd my x was when we would talk... .e had a nice chat an exchanged numbers... .I will start as friends with him or anyone I meet... .my point is maybe it's time to start meeting non disordered people... maybe this random meeting when just half he before I sat crying is part of that new step... .,I just dunno

I just need to sit with all this... .my councilor is working on what if scenarios with me... .  three more sessions and I loose her too.  She asked me today if the RO was dropped what would it look like for me and I struggled to answer

I kept saying if only he was normal
A

My xBPD is not all bad, I miss the good parts he never yelled at me... .he was just very good at the push pull he has a lot of issues though ...

I miss him ya know,   
But do I misss him or am I just hurt he got the RO wnd I have no clue as to why.

Ox has a valid point. We need to remember no person is the same and BPD's do fall within different ranges on the spectrum. Still, as he mentioned, could you be friends with your ex without old feelings, old wounds reopening? I couldn't. I couldn't hear about her current "love of her lufe@ and how amazing this person is without feeling hurt those same things were said to me in our relationship.

It's all about protecting yourself. If you can handle that, good for you. I know I couldn't even in a group setting.