If he's the sick one, why is he doing so much better than I am?

[Breathe066]

My husband with BPD (diagnosed) left a little more than two months ago. He's already resumed his previous intimate relationships, has actually thrown a few parties, is back at the bar where he used to hang out (he's an alcoholic with PPD), and seems to be having a wonderful time. He angrily says that I need to let go of him, that I need to get a life, that it's inevitable that he will find someone else to settle down with.
He also says we can stop the divorce if I will "admit" that I intentionally sought to make him insecure and jealous, that I maintained a flirtatious relationship with other men, and if I will retract my statements to him regarding his verbal and emotional abuse of me.
I am very codependent. I am also still very much in love with him. I didn't do any of the things of which he accuses me and I cannot bring myself to deny the things I know are true.
But I am so depressed and I miss him so much that I am beginning to doubt my own sanity.
I think anyone looking at our situation would think that he is much more emotionally healthy than me. He really seems to be having a great time. And when he's not busy pursuing his busy social life, he is saying things to me or asking questions to which I cannot respond because he blocks me and then I make a jackass of myself running around to different communication channels, opening new email addresses, trying to get the information to him that he will then claim I withheld.
I feel like my life is sh*t right now. Everything is difficult, I am lonely, and he seems to be so much better off without me that the things he called me and said about me are taking on a credence that they wouldn't normally.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Breathe066, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  Your post is more about your BPDh than about you, which I find telling.  Perhaps you do have codependent tendencies, as you relate.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  Start treating yourself with love and kindness.  Stop obsessing about your BPDh and let him do what he always does.  Recovery, in my view, involves shifting the focus back to yourself.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  You're the priority here, not your BPDh.

LuckyJim

[RomanticFool]

Hi Breathe,

Sorry to hear how much pain you are in.

I am a recovering alcoholic and I can assure you that whatever appearances may suggest, he is not doing better than you. Drinking alcoholically will exaccerbate any mental health issues and he is headed for a rock bottom. It is not pretty and so it is good that you won't be around to witness.

Focus on yourself. Co-dependency is also known as r/s addiction. Is there anything in gput background that makes you a caretaker for others at your own expense?

[Pretty Woman]

Breathe,
   Have you ever been to Al-Anon? I am sure there is a support group in your area. Heed the comments that have been provided in this thread. If your ex is an alcoholic with BPD I can guarantee he is NOT thriving. A lot of what you see is "smoke and mirrors". It's hard to see the truth when you are recovering from a wounded heart.

I know my ex had drinking problems but wasn't a full blown addict. I went to Al-Anon at the advice of a friend and it really opened my eyes. You don't have to mention he is BPD, you don't even have to mention you are split. Go and listen to the stories, share yours if you are comfortable. It was very eye opening to me and emotional in a cathartic way. I too, am very co-dependent. It helped to be in a face to face support forum in addition to posting here.

Also, keep in mind, the fact your ex said he would stay if you retracted everything... .
that is crazy-making, not you.

He wants you to admit you were wrong, not him so when he does it again, you look crazy.

Don't recant. Stand strong and know, just in these actions alone, he is showing you what a deceptive person he is.

You deserve so much more than this.
 

[SWLSR]

Breathe

What you are describing is what a BPD does.  You are being played and he will play you as long as you let him.  The emotional pain you are feeling is terrible most of us on this page know that feeling all too well.  But this pain means you are normal and while it may not seem so the pain will subside.  The best thing for you to do with his divorce threats are call him on this.  Tell him if he wants one so bad then file it.   In the mean time rediscover your former life start doing thins that give you pleasure.  Smile and keep your chin up.  Because one day you will be out of this mess and he never will be. 

[schwing]

Hi Breathe066

One of the reasons why identifying people with BPD (pwBPD) is so difficult is that their most dysfunctional behaviors are only manifest to those who are intimately connected to them.  Only family members and loved ones will observe their issues.  And even with love ones and family members, pwBPD often use them as emotional scapegoats; i.e. if they are not doing well, they will attribute their issues to their scapegoats.  And they will be in denial of their own dysfunction.

In a sense that is what he is still doing when he asks that you "admit" that you sought to make him insecure and jealous, when it is probably closer to the truth that his insecurity and jealous were expressions of his disorder.

He's already resumed his previous intimate relationships, has actually thrown a few parties, is back at the bar where he used to hang out (he's an alcoholic with PPD), and seems to be having a wonderful time. He angrily says that I need to let go of him, that I need to get a life, that it's inevitable that he will find someone else to settle down with.

From the outside of a relationship sure it might look like the one who is able to move on quickly is more emotionally healthy than the partner who is doing poorly; but then doesn't someone who is in denial of their "fill-in-the-blank" appear healthier than the someone who is not in denial?

What does healthy grief, loss look like?  And what does it say about a person who does not seem to go through these normal, human processes?  What does it say about a person who can be the love of your life one day and then no longer attached to you the next day?

He also says we can stop the divorce if I will "admit" that I intentionally sought to make him insecure and jealous, that I maintained a flirtatious relationship with other men, and if I will retract my statements to him regarding his verbal and emotional abuse of me.
I am very codependent. I am also still very much in love with him. I didn't do any of the things of which he accuses me and I cannot bring myself to deny the things I know are true.
But I am so depressed and I miss him so much that I am beginning to doubt my own sanity.

Your experience sounds to me like a massive cognitive dissonance: you are having trouble integrating the two beliefs that your husband is both the man that you are "still very much in love with" and at the same time a man who is holding your mental health hostage.  He cannot be both these people at the same time.  And your mind might choose to accept only the side of him that is comforting, even though it means that you must deny the part of yourself that is deeply hurting.  Be very careful if you find yourself making this kind of a choice for yourself.

If you put a man who is disordered in charge of your mental health, then it can always get worse.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Lucky Jim]

If you put a man who is disordered in charge of your mental health, then it can always get worse.

Nicely said, schwing.  Took me a long time to figure out that my Ex was a poor choice for captain of our marital ship.  Of course, due to my own codependent tendencies and internal model for a marriage, I trusted her with the helm.  No more.  Now I chart my own course.

LuckyJim

[In a bad way]

    One of the reasons why identifying people with BPD (pwBPD) is so difficult is that their most dysfunctional behaviors are only manifest to those who are intimately connected to them.  Only family members and loved ones will observe their issues.  And even with love ones and family members, pwBPD often use them as emotional scapegoats; i.e. if they are not doing well, they will attribute their issues to their scapegoats.  And they will be in denial of their own dysfunction.              

This is very true, and also in my case family members didn't see it like I did.
She hides it well from them although I'm pretty sure her mum and one of her sisters know there is something wrong they just don't know the full extent.
While I was confiding in her sister once she told me she thought she was bi polar and and been strange from around mid teens.
Her sister did try to help me for a while but gave up and then started to blame me for our arguments which I'd told her all about my ex's behaviour.
I think that family members aren't always around enough to witness the full blown crazy, mine only saw her mother and sisters for short periods.
I would imagine if they lived with her they might see more, unless it's only the romantic partner that gets the full brunt of it all?

What does healthy grief, loss look like?  And what does it say about a person who does not seem to go through these normal, human processes?  What does it say about a person who can be the love of your life one day and then no longer attached to you the next day?           

 

Something I don't think I will ever come to terms with.     

[Breathe066]

Schwing,

"Your experience sounds to me like a massive cognitive dissonance: you are having trouble integrating the two beliefs that your husband is both the man that you are "still very much in love with" and at the same time a man who is holding your mental health hostage.  He cannot be both these people at the same time.  And your mind might choose to accept only the side of him that is comforting, even though it means that you must deny the part of yourself that is deeply hurting. Be very careful if you find yourself making this kind of a choice for yourself."


Spot on.

Yes, that is what's going on. I feel I need comfort from him, though getting it comes at a very high price--I must set aside the tremendous hurt that I feel and leave it denied and invalidated. The comfort is simply in the familiarity of his virtual presence. I actually never stop feeling the ache in the pit of my stomach. My grief over him and over us, as a couple, is constant. Then, suddenly, when I least expect it, he's there sending a link to a funny news story or asking how I'm doing. Yet, within an hour he will have blocked me via every communication channel after telling me that I'm less than human. Or he'll just ignore me for a few days, while he has me blocked and then descend back on the scene like manna from heaven.

There's a moment of reassurance and then a pattern of behavior that is very destabilizing. It has made me a wreck.

[roberto516]

I'm in the same boat. She wants to be single. I guess all my thoughts struck a chord with her and she realizes she's not mentally well. So she's working on herself. She only reached out for a mini recycle and a few other attempts.

It's like we switched roles. I was the assured one who rescued her from her darkness. Now she's moving on and I'm stuck in my own darkness.

I never thought she'd  be mentally stronger than me. Ill never get it.

[In a bad way]

I'm in the same boat. She wants to be single. I guess all my thoughts struck a chord with her and she realizes she's not mentally well. So she's working on herself. She only reached out for a mini recycle and a few other attempts.

It's like we switched roles. I was the assured one who rescued her from her darkness. Now she's moving on and I'm stuck in my own darkness.

I never thought she'd  be mentally stronger than me. Ill never get it.

When I first spoke to her sister about her kids dad having control over my ex her sister said it's been like that since they split over ten years ago, she didn't know why but she said if anyone could break that cycle it was me because I was strong mentally.
I couldn't because my ex was too weak to stand up to him, but now I am a wreck and she goes about life like I didn't exist.
I understand how you feel stuck in your darkness because I am the same, and yes it appears she is now the strong one, at least when it comes to me.
However I know for a fact that p*** is still controlling her and her kids are getting more out of control, she is unable to be strong with them.
I often used to ask her when she was raging at me why she couldn't be that strong with them instead of letting them walk all over her.

[roberto516]

I often used to ask her when she was raging at me why she couldn't be that strong with them instead of letting them walk all over her.

I don't want to get off the original post, but I said this exact same thing. She told me how her mother would put her down. After we took our first "break" she told her mom who said "What did you do this time?". And then after a phone call I guess her mom thought she had hung up and she said aloud, while she was listening, "She is such a disappointment".

And after not being able to talk to her in a healthy way I guess I realized that anger was the only thing she would respond to. And she resented me for it. I remember asking her, "Why do you resent me for it but not your mom?" Her response was, "I can't pick my parents but I can pick my boyfriend."

It just resonated with me. She will do everything for her extended family as a way to be liked. She even once said, "I need to stay single because I have to figure out why I treat my boyfriends so badly when I put my family first instead."