My weekend in PD Land

[onelittleladybug]

I have been posting somewhat sporadically and mostly lurking here so not a lot of people here know me and my story. I put it in my profile for background.
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I have a few options available when choosing a subject line for this post. 1) There is a cheeseburger on my neighbors roof, 2) Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the craziest of them all? 3) I took a nap and the roof of my house collapsed.

The roof did not actually collapse. I just feel like it will if I relax for a second.

Fri night had a friend over and all through the night was fearful of pwBPD getting angry because he has been very jealous  of my friendship with this person. Everything went well, he refused the offer of coming over and joining us but he showered me with superlatives instead. Its a good thing Im immune to superlatives, otherwise I might take this too seriously. Fri night I was "the kindest person alive" fyi y'all!

Sat night went to see a movie with my pwBPD. This is extraordinary because he has intense social anxiety and hardly ever leaves the house. It was technically therefore our first date although this r/s started 8 months ago. He made the reservations for living room seats and went super fancy. I was impressed, intrigued and happy. It was a nice night, until he had a panic attack about 75 mins into the movie. I noticed something happening but didnt read it right. I felt bad about not getting it but proud of him for going anyway after realizing he probably anticipated this happening and deeply moved that he is now ready to talk about things with me. I have had panic attacks and was able to give him some support. Night ended early because of panic, and I came home to find my (likely PD but not BPD) mother crying, hungry, alone and idle (she cant even put the tv on, I have to do that for her). When asked what wrong she said "I was just really lonely".

FML.

Sun night pwBPD texted an apology in case Sat night had been a letdown for me in any way. I invited him over and then we went out to grab burgers to take home. He left for a second to get his dog, and admittedly in hindsight it wasnt really cool that me and my mother started eating before he got back. When he came back it turned out he had been given the wrong burger. He ordered a cheeseburger and got a pepper bacon burger. I have no idea what happened but my burger tasted exactly like what I ordered (pepper bacon). Maybe my mother ate his burger, she does that all the time (confuse things). She is getting old. Maybe the lady gave us all the same burgers though we ordered 2 + 1. Whatever happened this became a tantrum in less than 30 seconds and everything in the world was my fault. I most likely JADE'd. I realize I should not have entered his patio to leave him his burger after he stormed out, where I then got shouted at and the burger reportedly ended up on (another) neighbors roof. That was invalidating of me. I see it. I also should not have allowed myself to be feeling weak and emotional that my severely enmeshed mother is finally leaving for the old country to live with my cousin. Worried that I still havent found a roommate, should not have had 2 Old Fashioned on the first hot summer night just 1 or 0, should not have fallen asleep at the guard. Because the roof will collapse in my house if I do. Very busy feeling sorry for myself right now as you can tell.

I love my pwBPD. I am not giving up. He's making huge strides, and a huge effort. Things are improving, I see huge changes and so do other people that are around us. He's doing it because of me and I love him for it. But I hate that the cheeseburger ended up on the neighbors roof, I hate that a nice night turned ugly, I hate that people heard him yell at me. I hate that it turned into anything other than being together and enjoying each others company.

I dont think I can PUVAS this now after the fact, I think I have to be invited to talk about it at least. Im not sure I can set a boundary stating "in this house we dont out-crazy each other, you have to wait your turn to go crazy". (I say this because I was not in a good state last night and when I am not things go insane. Its something I learned from ADHD articles that only one person is allowed to be crazy at a time). He knows what happened (he texted that he will endlessly give me a chance to change. Fair enough I will take that). He knows what he did, theres no reason to announce it to him. I sent him a nice message this morning, said I was not in a good state to deal last night. I said I understand the frustrations about dinner just the reaction was severe. Then I told him how I was proud of him for Saturday.

I just need to hear from others that are going through similar. For me the problem is impatience. I either forget about the BPD or want to jump too far ahead when I see his efforts and progress. The other challenge for me is how to fight the feeling of wanting to run when things get like this. Its blowing over more quickly than it would in the beginning, I remember how I feel about him faster now than before but nights like last night I usually want to bail and I have to remember to wait it out to feel differently. I used to react to this urge (and thereby reinforce his abandonment fears). Can anyone relate? How do you deal with it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

I often feel like I live in a different world, apart from the people that surround me, PD Land sounds accurate. There are different rules here, but we carry ourselves the needs/prejudices from our previous world. There we could use insctict and good intentions and they worked 90% of the time, and then, mistakes were just mistakes and we could be forgiven and the mistakes forgotten. Here, any time we make a mistake, we feel like walking on a mine field of RS problems. That's true. 

The more we learn about BPD the more sense everything makes. It is also real, it's not wrong, and it certainly it's not out there to catch us. It's just that the rules have changed, instincts don't work any more. And we need time to built new customs, new automatic responses. The more emotionally stressed we are, the less we use the tools and the more we react by the old instincts, or worse... .But we can't expect to be perfect. You've been 8 months at this, that is so little. You hear stories here of people that have been at this 25 years, and they don't do it perfectly. And they don't have to either. We are human too, and sometimes we need things that are going to bother our BPD loved one. So the 1st step for you is to know it's ok to make mistakes, and it's ok to want things for yourself.

Then, you know impatience is your #1 enemy, so you can focus your efforts in things that help you being more patience. If we are emotionally compromised, we probably react in a way that is not helpful, nor accurate with our goals and the big picture. So observe your emotions, and try to lower your anxiety before acting, or reacting (Yeah, easily said than done, I know).

But you should know that this is a struggle for everyone of us, we can advise others and the next minute we are in crisis and thinking we are the dumbest person in the world, and completely lost. Even therapist found themselves lost, or too involved emotionally, and many of them do more harm than good, and they are supposed to be trained, and they deal with this one hour a week. It is sad but some of them even refuse to treat pwBPD. So, we can't be asked to be Superman, you know?

You are doing just fine, and in time you will be even better.

[onelittleladybug]

Thanks JoeBPD81 for your kind and thoughtful response. Sorry for the delayed reply, I am seeing my mother off to the old country in a few days and its getting really stressful. Not only lots of things to do and ends to tie but emotions are running high.

I often feel like I live in a different world, apart from the people that surround me, PD Land sounds accurate. There are different rules here, but we carry ourselves the needs/prejudices from our previous world. There we could use insctict and good intentions and they worked 90% of the time, and then, mistakes were just mistakes and we could be forgiven and the mistakes forgotten. Here, any time we make a mistake, we feel like walking on a mine field of RS problems. That's true. 

Im beginning to realize this. Im an immigrant in the US, I speak 2 languages on a daily basis. Life with my pwBPD in it feels a bit like moving to a new planet

The more emotionally stressed we are, the less we use the tools and the more we react by the old instincts, or worse... .But we can't expect to be perfect.

So observe your emotions, and try to lower your anxiety before acting, or reacting (Yeah, easily said than done, I know).

Much like circular arguments, me and my pwBPD reach to each other in a circular way. He reacts to my ADHD. Im beginning to think this is at the core of almost all of our outbursts or dramas. I would normally describe myself as a high functioning ADHD because I set up and follow systems for myself to function. To do lists etc. Reminders on phone. But when life gets intense (and it has been now for a long time its like there is no end to the things that are happening to the people around me and affecting me), Im ridiculously distracted. I cannot complete sentences, I say inappropriate things and I give wrong responses because I spaced out during mid sentence while listening to you. This is no picnic to be around. And then... .Im not a raging type but when Im being raged on and I get anxious I will break at some point yell back. But these are unusual times in my life. I think I will always wonder if things would have been easier if we had met at a different time point. Its also possible the r/s would never have started if I had been more balanced and level headed.

I think Im going to knock on his door tonight, ask him out on a short walk with me (doing this has been great for us in the past) and if he is willing, I am going to talk about this. My adhd and how it hasnt always been like this and how it wont be like this in the future (Im giving it 3 months if not better by then I am going on meds). Basically asking him to hang in there as I believe things can get better for us.

So the 1st step for you is to know it's ok to make mistakes, and it's ok to want things for yourself.

Yeah its just that I get punished for every mistake with a really long silent treatment. Sigh.

Even therapist found themselves lost, or too involved emotionally, and many of them do more harm than good, and they are supposed to be trained, and they deal with this one hour a week. It is sad but some of them even refuse to treat pwBPD.

Ive been learning a lot about this. Some wont treat because they are not sufficiently trained but others simply because they dont want to be bothered. I have 2 bff's, one PhD one double MA. PhD works at mental health crisis center in hospital, the double MA works with eating disorders. Crisis center friend gives diagnosis and they both treat BPDs literally all the time. The one that gives the dx has talked a lot about how unsympathetic the system is and how the dx can have negative effect resulting in the client not getting sufficient help for co-morbid issues. I get frustrated hearing this because that doesnt really help anyone. The stigma works against them being treated, and it works against us who love them for the same reason.

You are doing just fine, and in time you will be even better.

Well that I can thank you and the many other wonderful people here on bpdfamily. Im grateful for the level headedness, open mindedness, empathy, compassion and more than anything the nonjudgmental attitude and support that I find here. Its good to vent and moan a bit every now and then but its not very constructive in the long term. We choose our relationships and who we spend time with. In one raging episode my pwBPD said something I cannot erase from my mind: "Its time you take responsibility for this relationship". It really got to me because he was right. Im beyond grateful to get the support here that I need to be accountable and present while in this relationship.