My recent 'ah-ha' moment

[Wutnow32]

At my most recent therapy session, we discussed the characteristics of someone with BPD. One of them is not being okay with not feeling ok. In other words, they can't handle feelings of discomfort. Then I realized, I am the type of person who always tries to make it so that people around me don't have to feel upset, I try to make it better and take away the discomfort. That is my codependent tendency.

She doesn't like feeling discomfort and I don't like people to feel discomfort. Well fan-damn-tastic! Don't we fit together like a codependent young and yang!
My homework is to try and get 'comfortable' with my wife's discomfort (which is often!) Not sure how well I'm doing.

We had a text argument where I guess I agreed with her when she said she's been feeling a certain way lately. I just said she was right, that I noticed too, but it guess that by agreeing with her I made her feel worse about herself. Ugh, so now I have to sit with her feeling pissed at me. My urge to try and resolve this conflict is tremendous. It's not much fun. But I can see the pattern now, so that's something.

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[Ythisroad]

Wow Wutnow32!  This is so true of me as well    ugh.    I cannot stand the feeling of angst... .  Thanks a lot for making me aware of this (sarcasm)... .  I will try to work on being uncomfortable as well.  What a challenge! 
Press onward!

[Wutnow32]

Very welcome for bringing it to your attention Ythisroad! Challenges are always more 'fun' when you have someone else doing it too. As it turns out I did respond via text, once, just once! But that was it. Anger seems to have subsided and moved on now. Whew!

[isilme]

This is a really big thing to realize and then work to implement.  I am very codependent, and so I find that I am distressed and sometimes angry with H when he gets upset... .for simply being upset.  I remind myself in my head he has a right to his emotions, and to express them, unless he is being abusive to me in the process. 

On the converse, a pwBPD often also has trouble accepting if their SO's emotional state does not match theirs - it can be invalidating for them to feel upset about XYZ, and for us to NOT be upset about XYZ. 

[Shane87]

Oh boy... .makes me wonder if I, too, have been codependent in this way.  Time to do some looking in the mirror.