If music be the food of love

[RomanticFool]

My exBPD married lover and I used to send each other music. Often when we had broken up or she had gone silent on me. I got quite haunting tunes from her like Mojo Pin by Jeff Buckley. I once posted a Nick Cave song on FB for her (Into My Arms) and she accused me of having an affair. She didn't speak to me for four days that time. I was desperately worried about her and kept texting her, finally she sent me a message saying, "Have you been texting me? I've only just unblocked you.' That was actually the last straw for me. I think in that moment my love for her started diminishing.

I often play the pianos at St Pancras station in London and people are very generous to the pianists and applaud. One time when I was waiting for her to get off a train she saw me playing and came down to listen. There was quite a crowd and afterwards she said to me, 'Can't you play anything else apart from classical?'

I broke up with her 7 weeks today and I have been asking myself why I put up with that nonsense for all that time (almost 6 years on this recycle). I thought her to be a remarkable woman but as I'm getting distance from her I think perhaps the most remarkable thing about the whole relationship was my sexual attraction to a woman who was never available to me.

I can feel the attachment loosening. A bit like Alan Strang in the play Equus, part of me is mourning the fact that I am losing a passion in my life. The other part of me is revelling in the freedom and the slow return of my sanity.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi RF,

He would send me songs that summed up his feelings.  I can't listen to them now.  Just too raw and painful at the moment and I don't want to cloud my vision.

You know, I wonder how many of us struggle with the desire of something we 'can't have'?  It's just a thought. 

Hope your Sunday stayed where it belongs and Monday is looking brighter for you.  Sounds like you've done some thinking and putting things into perspective.  All good progress.  It's so easy for us to focus on the things we miss and when we think about the things that weren't right the list is likely considerably longer.  I think that's natural after any relationship, to pine for the good times and omit some of the less good from our memories.  You certainly seem to have a handle on things though.  Every day is a new beginning... .

Love and light x

[RomanticFool]

Hey Harley,

Music is such a powerful force in affairs of the heart. It can also torture us when it's all over. I totally understand your pain. I couldn't play piano for the first five weeks after our break up. I played a little today and it wasn't too bad.

I think wanting what we can't have is pretty much a tenet of human nature. The forbidden fruits are always the sweetest. Also, there is a dark side in me that goes after it.

Today has been a better day. Actually, yesterday was great until the evening, then it hit me, I'm never going to hold her in my arms again. Tough thought that.

I have to be careful as I can easily slip into abuse amnesia. Just over a year ago she was taunting me (having gone out on a year long drinking spree) and when I told her I was going to kill myself she laughed. I got a text from her the next day asking me if I was ok (obviously not apologising for her behaviour). I think of that when I get all maudlin for her.

Every day is a new beginning indeed!

RF