Advice: Possible scenario that she might contact me after 2 months NC

[Doughboy]

So I have been working on me in general since things ended by her.  At first it was decent but I made the mistake of talking to her Mother and a week after that she told me to never contact her again. I am trying to detach and move on solely because I do not see her ever reaching out.

A close friend reminded me yesterday that the uBPDexfiance is supposed to have carpel tunnel surgery in both wrists and cubital tunnel surgery on her right elbow this Summer.  She works with high school students so the Summer is the ideal time to have this done.  It will be right wrist and right elbow first.  This will require at least 2 weeks of zero use of that arm and then at least 2 weeks of gradual use until back to normal.  She will then have the left wrist done and will have the same at least 2 weeks of zero use and then another 2 weeks of gradual use. 

For those who do not know, the Ex lives 180 miles away and will have no one to help her during this time.  I had another friend who had this done and he was not even able to put toothpaste on the brush during the first 2 weeks let alone so many other normal things like cook, drive, wash hair, etc.

Now, her 73 yr old Mother can come in to help but there will need to be many things done that she will not do based on my experience: Mowing, cooking, taking daughter to things, etc.  She is more of a “I like to do as little as possible” kind of woman.  I cannot imagine her spending 3 weeks away from the 82 yr old Step Father, 2 weeks at home, and then another 3 weeks away helping.  ALSO!  Her other daughter, that the Ex says is her Mothers favorite, is planning on being here (the town Mother and I both live in) from China for 3-4 weeks this Summer with the Grandchildren.  I can’t see her being willing to miss out on seeing them for 1 minute while they are here.

This leads to the dilemma…The Ex and I are currently apart and NC.  I would have her back under certain conditions but I have no idea what she is feeling right now.  The last contact was a pretty nasty text that said I was the crazy, obsessed one and to never contact her, her kids, or her family.  Feb 2016 the Ex needed to have emergency surgery to her lower intestine while visiting me and was here for 2 weeks while she recovered enough to drive back home.  She stayed with me by choice, as opposed to her Mother, and asked her Mother to let me just take care of everything which I did.  During the 4 days in the Hospital I was there 20 out of 24 hrs a day.  Her Mother was there for a total of about 6 hrs over 4 days.

My close friend believes I am going to get a call/text asking to come in and help take care of her, and things, during this time.  I can do this as my job allows the flexibility.  The questions become:

What are the chances she might ask this of me?

And

Is this something I want to do?

And

If asked should I try and determine what this means for Us before agreeing?

My Ex is of the Quiet, High functioning, Waif breed so I can see the neediness coming out during this time as well as the memories of how she was cared for before.  It is also scary because I am a people pleaser and can get Codependent again if I am not careful.  It WOULD be a safe opportunity to discuss our issues and allow me to display some of my NEW communication skills I have been working on, especially validation and empathy which I was so bad at before.  Lastly, this would be a real situation and not one manufactured to pull me back.  We discussed her evaluation after we had split and the need to have it done this Summer.

I would imagine that it would take swallowing some pride to ask this of me.  I don’t want to be a caretaker just to caretake.  If this is not going to be something that begins us working things out and her getting evaluated for BPD then I see no reason or future for Us.

I know this is all pure speculation but I would like to be prepared in case it does happen because if it is going to it will be in the next 3ish weeks by my guess.

Opinions?

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[heartandwhole]

Hi Ox,

Well this is speculation and hypothetical. I understand wanting to imagine possible scenarios. In my opinion, if she asks you to come and you want to help and spend time with her and practice your new communication skills and (hopefully) talk about working on a romantic relationship again, do it.

I would not recommend, however, stating that "only if you do x,y,z, will I come... ." If your helping is contingent upon her agreeing to give the relationship another chance, go to therapy, etc.,  I'd rethink the plan. Agreements are good things in relationships, but in this case, I don't think it's appropriate to demand that kind of agreement. I do think that telling her upfront that you hope to eventually get back together would be a fair thing to do, so that she knows where you stand before coming.

I can fully understand wanting to get an idea of your ex's intentions before committing to this kind of action. In my view, however, going to help her comes out of your caring for her wellbeing; not because you expect to get something from her. It smacks of wanting to control outcomes, which I totally get, as I've been there, too. These are all moot points, though, since it's not happening. 

I have some questions for you:

You are apart, have no idea what she is feeling, and she has told you (in a nasty way) to refrain from contacting her. Do you feel that you are in a position to call the shots in this situation? 

Why do you think you are imagining this situation that hasn't happened and may not happen?

Digging deeply is good. You want to try again under certain conditions—that's understandable. However, right now, she doesn't want to talk to you. This is the golden time to work on yourself, as you said at the top of the post. That means focusing on your side of the street. The skills you learn will put you in a much better position no matter what happens with your ex. 

heartandwhole

[Doughboy]

Hi Ox,

Agreements are good things in relationships, but in this case, I don't think it's appropriate to demand that kind of agreement. I do think that telling her upfront that you hope to eventually get back together would be a fair thing to do, so that she knows where you stand before coming.

This is my thought also.

I can fully understand wanting to get an idea of your ex's intentions before committing to this kind of action. In my view, however, going to help her comes out of your caring for her wellbeing; not because you expect to get something from her. It smacks of wanting to control outcomes, which I totally get, as I've been there, too. These are all moot points, though, since it's not happening. 

To me it is more about her, and I, knowing it is not going to be done just because.  I will not be walked on again as a "White Knight" I guess.  I think it comes down to wanting to know her reasons for asking me, if she did.  Is it because I am available or is it because she really cares for me and I am what she desires?  I am aware I got codependent when we were together because of all of her "issues" and I will not slip into that again.

I have some questions for you:

You are apart, have no idea what she is feeling, and she has told you (in a nasty way) to refrain from contacting her. Do you feel that you are in a position to call the shots in this situation? 

Yes and no! 
Since the nasty/don't contact my kids or family/projection text she has been contacting, in a friendly way, my children (17 & 18) to see how they are doing.  She is commenting and "liking" things on the facebook pages of my Ex-wife and my close friends although I am not supposed to be contacting anyone in her circle - family, children, friends.  She has not posted anything on her facebook or Instagram since we split and she normally posts every other day.  She did put up an Easter picture of her and her kids and she looked horrible.  She has gained about 10 lbs and her hair presentation was no where close to normal for her. 

After the split, but before the nasty text, we were still sparsely communicating and I was getting the "I miss snuggling up to you at night", "I love you and wish this could have worked", "I hope I can get comfortable being alone but I know I may lose you while I try", and my favorite "Why can't you just believe in Jesus".  Her Mother created the mood that brought on the nasty text and I regret ever talking to her Mother after the split.  If I had known the details of her Mother's divorce and the details of her Fathers death/life I never would have... .

She made a decision but she has done MANY things that make it seem like she is not sure and that she is struggling.  I am okay with letting her struggle, and even fall, if her intentions are to just use me.  I know now what I would need to have to make another run at this relationship.

Why do you think you are imagining this situation that hasn't happened and may not happen?

It was brought to my attention and like I mentioned earlier, I think, her only other "easy" person is her 73yr old Mother or possibly a major reschedule of the lives of others that have busy schedules.  I on the other hand can be extremely flexible and I have cared for her before in a similar situation.

It is all so confusing with all of the little things figured in.  Her actions after the nasty text, her overall condition, it took 2ish weeks for her to fully end things but we still talked a little after that, the fact that she really has no one else... .

[Meili]

Wanting to know her reasons is understandable. But, your reasons for helping her are just as relevant; if not more so.

If she does ask you to come and help, I'd just take whatever she says at face value and try not to read anything into it.

[Doughboy]

Wanting to know her reasons is understandable. But, your reasons for helping her are just as relevant; if not more so.

If she does ask you to come and help, I'd just take whatever she says at face value and try not to read anything into it.

So try to ignore the concept of just being used and tossed to the side once the situation is resolved and she is able to usr her hands properly again?  That is a big gamble... .

[Meili]

I'm not sure how you got that from what I said. Can you please explain?

[Doughboy]

I'm not sure how you got that from what I said. Can you please explain?

Wanting to know her reasons is understandable. But, your reasons for helping her are just as relevant; if not more so.

If she does ask you to come and help, I'd just take whatever she says at face value and try not to read anything into it.

I took this as meaning that whatever she says I should just believe it and not ask any follow up questions to try and determine if there is any manipulation going on.

My reason would be two-fold.  I know that there is a good woman inside there that like to come out 75% of the time.  The other 25% is that Quiet Waif that is very needy and push/pulls like it is her job. 

If she will agree to be evaluated and possibly into some therapy while we work on the relationship I would be interested in helping her as I care for her and she would have no one else because of how she keeps friends very far away.

I also would want to help because that is what you do for someone you care about if you can.  As long as they respect and care about you.  If I am going to be used then I would want to lean toward the old, "you reap what you sow" kind of thing.




Of course who am I kidding... .I would help her no matter what most likely... .I just like to think I am strong... .I also know that if she asked me it would be put me in a place her Toxic Mother isn't and that would be beneficial to us since I have been in that position before... .this is why I am trying to get ahead of the possibility so I can make a reasonable decision instead of an emotional on if it presents itself.

[Meili]

Thank you for clarifying. I used to look at things with my x like that as well. What I had to learn was that I would never know what is truly going on inside of her head. Sometimes what should would tell me would prove to be true, others it wasn't. It was just what she felt that I needed to hear in that moment. That's why I suggested taking things at face value.

[Doughboy]

Sometimes what should would tell me would prove to be true, others it wasn't. It was just what she felt that I needed to hear in that moment.

And that is the tough part.  I want to know what she is thinking and not what she wants me to hear.  I might be asking for/expecting too much... .

[Meili]

We can never truly know what another person is thinking. The problem is compounded by a pwBPD and how their emotions effect their reality.

Because their emotions are so intense, they believe what they feel is real. This colors their reality (just like our experiences color ours). Because emotions change so rapidly, this means that their reality also changes. So, what they say in one moment is a complete truth based on the facts as they see them in that moment. But, with the next set of emotions, the facts change and the truth once spoken may or may not hold true still.

This is part of the reason that we talk about setting and maintaining boundaries around here. Among other things, the boundaries are to protect us from such fluctuations.

So, if you want to help her because you want to help her, that's one thing. If you want to help her based on some promise that may or may not be true in the next moment; that's where you need to use caution.

My advice would be to help if you want, but do so with zero expectations.

[Doughboy]

Found out today that she had the 1st surgery 2 weeks ago. 

Looks like that ends that concern.  She obviously did not need me nor did she reach out.

[Meili]

At least you can put that to rest and not worry about what to do anymore. I bet that's somewhat of a relief.