Considering leaving wife w/BPD concerned re Children

[GBenata]

First post - a bit of an experiment for me

Dipping in to see if I can make some sense of this or get useful advice especially re children.
Am in marriage for 12 years to a woman who I believe to have extremely high performance BPD
We have 3 young children 8yrs + 7yrs girls and 1 boy 5yrs

Having come to realise that BPD is a real potential diagnosis for my wife in the last 3 yrs
I have experienced very difficult relationship - mental and physical abuse has been regular and comes in waves
I'm no pushover and far too patient and able to cope for my own good - so I have put up with a lot and just navigate through
However the patterns are regular and the relationship now dysfunctional on so many levels

As my sister says I come to a point of taking the stand and then there are a few breadcrumbs thrown and I come on back

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We have 3 beautiful talented children - innocent/ unspoiled/ loving etc etc - they are loving to both of us
But this is changing and is now in danger in my own opinion

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Like all are I'd imagine - mine is a long and full story - suffice to say I have tried a number of things and have come up short
I have discovered it is impossible to get someone with BPD the help they clearly need if they don't see it is required
My wife is in total denial and will never accept such a diagnosis in my opinion
On top of this she has had 2 losses in her family (mother and Sister) over a short period of time
Let's just say the amount of triggers available are in multiples

I have more or less decided that the best route for any available quality of life is for me to leave

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What is my initial question/query?

1. I would like some opinions/advice re the children and the impact my leaving on them
My greatest concern is their development emotionally under a BPD mum
It must be said - their mum loves them deeply and is quite brilliant at many of the parental tasks
She is a very clever woman and career person

2. advice around how I go about leaving and managing the exit

To be honest I probably have a million questions... .

I have read the Randi Kreger book re eggshells
I also attend a Psychotherapist since last summer
He has been good and steady -

Thanks in advance

[HopefulDad]

My two cents:

You can absolutely leave and create a two household environment where your children can thrive... .but you must insist on the children spending significant time with you, ideally 50%.  Fight for this through the courts if your BPDw forces the issue.  You will be providing the children the "normal" environment and they will learn quickly the contrast between what you offer and what your BPDw offers and figure out for themselves what's good, what's right.  If you do not have enough access, they will learn from your BPDw her version of "normal" and you don't want your children doing that.

[RedPill]

Hi GB and welcome to the board. I'm sorry for the troubles you are having. There are many people on this board with similar experiences to help you along. It has certainly helped me.

Over the years of my long-term marriage with my udstbxBPDw, the traits and behaviors that she so successfully used on me are revealing themselves in her relationship with our D15. Like you, I believe that my pwBPD can be a loving, caring Mother, but she can also be belittling, invalidating, emotionally manipulative, chaotic, undependable, and unstable. That reality pushes me to seek to protect my D15 from Mom's influence as much as possible as our divorce proceeds, both by fighting for equal or greater custody and also by providing a healthy, validating, and stable parent-figure for D15 to learn from.

Advice: document your time taking care of the children, be active in their school and activities, and prepare yourself.
Good luck!
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RP

[Panda39]

Hi Gbenata,

I wanted to join the others and say Hello and Welcome 

There is a book I wanted to suggest... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger

I also suggest coming up with a plan before you actually do anything (keep everything on the down low). You might want to do some consultations with a few different attorneys, find out what their strategy would be, have they handled high conflict divorces (yours may be or not be depending on your wife's behaviors - but it is worth asking about), ask what custody typically looks like in your area... .etc.

You might also want to read some other posts on this board to get an idea of other peoples experiences so you can avoid some of the pitfalls.

In terms of the kids, I can only share my SO's (significant other's) experience, we are both members here due to his uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife). 

I am not telling you this to scare you this is just one experience but you should beware and be aware... .

When he first left it was rough, D9 & D13 (at the time) spent the majority of time with their mom initially. My SO's ex is more low functioning and lives a very unstable life.  There was parental alienation, the kids were spying, going through dads things, reading his text messages, D13 took dad's laptop to mom's we suspect to try and hack emails   As if all of that wasn't bad enough dad was on a frustrating phone call with his ex hung up the phone and threw it into the couch... .which morphed into he threw the phone and it shattered into a million pieces, to he threw the phone at the kids, to he wouldn't let the kids leave the house! The ex took him to court for child abuse, which was unfounded.

During the 2 years it took to complete the divorce was what they all now call "the dark times",  mom was evicted twice (a 3rd time post divorce) and the girls spent a little more time with dad but it was strained.  When the divorce was final dad was awarded more than 50% custody and Education, Medical and Dental decision making, the girls started spending more time with their dad and their relationship gradually improved and at the same time things were deteriorating with their mom.  Once their parents separated, the girls started seeing each as individuals, started seeing who was parenting, who was stable, who made sure they had the things they needed.  In 2015 when the girls were 14 & 18 their mom probably unintentionally but painful none the less screwed over both daughters and both voted with their feet and live with dad full-time.  Both are low contact with their mother.  They chose the healthier parent, both are doing well D16 is working part-time and finishing up her 2nd year of High School, and D20 is studying to be a teacher and is going to be a teacher's assistant at her college next Fall.  Both girls have received therapy the older daughter stopped going when she turned 18 D16 still sees her therapist 2x a month.

It's been a journey and sometimes incredibly tough but both girls have come out the other side.  Everyone's  story is different some with not as much conflict some with more.  You know best how likely your wife is to be high conflict or not. 

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

1. I would like some opinions/advice re the children and the impact my leaving on them
My greatest concern is their development emotionally under a BPD mum
It must be said - their mum loves them deeply and is quite brilliant at many of the parental tasks
She is a very clever woman and career person

Can you adjust your perspective?  It's not so much leaving the children (never) as leaving the marriage (only choice left).  You can unwind the marriage without leaving the children.  Yes, she will see it as "leave me and you've abandoned me and the kids and so I will fight tooth and nail to convince them You abandoned Us, didn't want Us and didn't love Us".  The disordered acting-out parent typically tries to shut out the other parent.  That is the disordered parent's distorted world view.  You are not unimportant or to be cast aside or to be blocked.

Do you also work?  I ask because if you both work, then she won't have more 'claim' on the children than you, time-wise.

2. advice around how I go about leaving and managing the exit

Good that you've been seeing a counselor recently, it is good support, in addition to trusted friends and family.  Have you confidentially consulted with family law attorneys?  It's okay to see more than one to identify which strategies might work best for you.  It's okay to ask, If you were facing a high conflict separation event and divorce, which lawyer would you choose to protect and advocate for you?

Read the recent posts and replies here on the Family Law board.  We're not lawyers but we have "been there, done that" and we are more than willing to 'pay it forward' and share our collective experiences with you.

[Panshekay]

Welcome... .lots of great advice already here. ForeverDad and Panda39 have been our saving grace in a journey through hell, which our son is still going through. Read splitting, document EVERYTHING, starting yesterday... .keep it at work, don't ever let your guard down, don't EVER think "she would never say that about me, or do that to me". Because they can and will. Dont ever doubt things wont get worse, whether you stay or divorce, they can, NEVER give up on your children, you will be the parent that will show your children how to be a good stable parent, go for at least 50/50 custody... .again, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, the time you spend with your children, what you do with them, what you feed them... .the dates and time you have them... .EVERYTHING... .and be prepared. BEFORE you leave, get all your ducks in a row.  Good luck.

[GBenata]

Thanks all - has been my intention to register with such a group for a while now
Glad I did... thanks for useful comments already...

I'll respond a little later

GB