Hey gdogmoney: Welcoming to the Community!I'm sorry that your family is having problems with your sister's behavior. Sounds like everyone is feed up with her behavior and/or are very concerned for her. What are some of her most dysturbing traits/behaviors?
Unless there is some advantage, for insurance purposes or from an assistance perspective, best to focus on treating/managing the symptoms and behaviors. It is common for people with BPD traits to receive different diagnoses through the years. From the perspective of medication, there isn't a pill for BPD. Usually, meds are given to treat the comorbid issues: anxiety, depression, PTSD, bipolar and other mental illnesses.
we're looking to organize a family intervention. I'd like to get a sense for what's worked and not worked with others.
An intervention to get someone into therapy for BPD or strong BPD traits generally doesn't go well. You can't force someone to change. They have to want it and participate in it. The only thing you have control over is yourself. You can change the way you react to your sister and the way you interact with her. You can set boundaries and not enable her or become a caretaker who supports dysfunction.
It would be beneficial to read the information at the link below and then the quoted information below:
GETTING A BORDERLINE INTO THERAPY You Didn't Cause It; You Can't Control or Cure It
Accept that you cannot make your family member seek treatment
Here is the good news: you have a right to all of your opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Good or bad, right or wrong, they are part of you. They make you who you are.
And here is the bad news: everyone else has a right to their opinions, thoughts and feelings, too. You may not agree with everyone else, and they may not agree with you. But that is OK. It is not your job to convince everyone else to see things your way.
Your job is to know who you are, to act according to your own values and beliefs, and to communicate what you need and want to the people in your life. You can always encourage people to do what you want through subtle or blatant rewards and punishments. But it is still their decision how to act based on a host of factors beyond your control.
Your family member may ask for help or try to alter his or her behavior — but not on your schedule. If they change, it will be in their own time and in their own way. People alter their behavior when they see that the benefits of doing so outweigh the obstacles to change. BPs are no different from anyone else in this regard.
Something you CAN do
There is nothing wrong with wanting to change the BP in your life. You are probably right: they might be a lot happier and your relationship might improve after seeking help for BPD. But in order for you to get off the emotional roller coaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you (and only you) can or should change someone else. When you do that, you will be able to claim the power that is truly yours: the power to change yourself.
How Do I Motivate My Family Member to Seek Help?
Before you start the search, make a realistic assessment of whether your loved one is willing or ready to enter therapy. If not, therapy may be an expensive waste of time. Nearly everyone in the WTO community has made numerous attempts to compel their family member to see a therapist. Common methods include
• manipulation
• bribes
• crying
• pointing out the person's flaws
• logic and reasoning
• begging and pleading
• leaving self-help books around the house
What happens next is as predictable as the change of seasons.
Stage 1: The BP says it's the non-BP who needs therapy, not the BP. If the non-BP has unwisely put forth BPD as an explanation for their BP's behavior, the BP accuses the non-BP of being the one with BPD. For good measure, the BP also accuses the non-BP of being abusive, unreasonable, and controlling.
Stage 2: In desperation, often during a crisis, the non-BP finally resorts to an ultimatum such as, "Go to a therapist or I'm leaving you," or some other consequence. The non-BP hopes that once the BP is in therapy, the clinician will force their family member to see the light. If you are serious about limiting or leaving the relationship and and your family member knows this is true, this is the only thing I have seen really work to pursuade the disordered person to seek help.
Stage 3: Apprehensive that their loved one might actually carry out their threat, the BP agrees to see a therapist, perhaps with the partner or other family members. Therapy, however, goes nowhere. That's because even the best BPD clinicians can't help a patient who doesn't want to be helped.
Stage 4: Once the immediate threat dissipates, the BP finds some reason to drop out of therapy. This is especially true if the therapist is a good one, skilled at bringing the focus to the BP's core issues instead of reinforcing the BP's feelings of victimhood. However, if the therapist takes everything the BP says at face value without probing further—and this is not uncommon—the therapist may inadvertently reinforce the BP's twisted thinking, making things worse.
Stage 5: Eventually, the non-BP realizes that forced therapy is not going to work and that no one can "make" anyone do anything (a good life lesson, by the way). Sometimes the whole process needs to be repeated several times before this truism becomes evident.
Stage 6: Months or years later, the non-BP realizes that her efforts to change the other person simply added a thick second layer of conflict on top of the original issues. She becomes even more disillusioned, depressed, angry, and hopeless. As one Welcome To Oz member noted, "My attempt to invade his world with facts only caused more pain."
There is a lot of good tutorials her for developing communication skills and strategy to use with your sister. There is a "Lessons" thread, at the top of the thread lineup. If you go to the large green band at the top of the page, you will see a "Tools Menu". A good place to start is to with "Boundaries" and ":)on't Invalidate".
Are there some boundaries you might need to set with your sister?
