Some problems reduced ...new one started...need advice

[AnonUK]

The articles, suggestions and the messages that I have read on this site have been of immense help to me. I have managed to stop making things worst. So a big "Thank You" to all the wonderful people out there.

My husband shows traits of BPD. He is a high functional one ... .Some things that worked for me was validating, not reacting to his abuses, diverting the conversation, taking time off etc... .Our all night fights have reduced, his frequency and the intensity/duration of his rage has reduced a bit ... .I do not know the reason and how and when it happened ... .but there is a marked difference in his behavior in the sense that his actions say something different and words different e.g. he keeps on complaining that I have not been a good wife to him, his married life sucks because of me ... .all the problems are because of me etc ... .but action wise he talks to me more often ... .trusts me more often... .any help I need he will provide if I ask... .So a lot of improvement... .specifically conversation wise. he has started to talk to me quite often... .

Since we have started communicating, silent treatments have reduced a lot ... .earlier it used to be once in 15 days ... .but now since last 6 months there was none ... .but this has given rise to a new problem... .My BPD husband is alcoholic. Drinks almost everyday ... .so now he has started asking me out for dinner almost everyday ... .We go to a restaurant ... .he drinks... .eats ... .the conversation is light and jovial initially but eventually he starts painting me black ... .blames me for each and every problem in his life ... .His married life sucks because of me ... .I generally listen... .detach... .ignore, divert or take a time out as appropriate to let the time pass... .The way he talks to me is as if he is talking to himself and criticizing himself ... .projection at its best ... .

and then we come back home ... .sometime in a better mood ... sometime a bit off... .sleep ... .next day he is fine ... .go to work ... routine goes on ... .evening past 8 there will be a knock on my door ... the cycle continues ... .this happens almost 3-4 times in a week ... .

I tried to set boundaries saying that I will not accompany him but that did not work ... .since I was seeing an improvement in him ... .I wondered whether a strict boundary at this time will have a blow up and he will be back to his raging and ST . I try to make the best use of the 2-3 hours every other day I get to talk to him to understand what is bothering/troubling him ... .
I think he is just letting out his feelings and he has got a dependable audience in me... .But there are things I am concerned about

1) I have noticed that during this verbal abuse ... .I feel like crap ... .utter crap ... .I am scared that I might just react and blow up someday ... .
2) Since he is under the influence of alcohol I feel I am sitting on a volcano that can erupt anytime... .
3) Its alcohol and I do not want to encourage him to drink ... want him to keep it once a week.

I need advice on how to handle this ... .Should I have a Strict boundary and a firm No at this point when I definitely see some improvements ? Or is it that  letting out all his feeling will help him to cope up with his issues in a better way ?

Any tools ,tricks, advice, guidance will be really helpful to me.

Thanks

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi, AnonUK

I'm sorry you're having some problems... .This is a marathon, not a sprint, and you should celebrate your parcial victories. Improvements take time and then they need to slowly settle and become normal. I'm happy with you progress!

When we are "painted black", even as we know we are just a convinient target, it hurts. I'm in the point where I'm begining to take it well, I thought it was imposible, but I remind myself that this is a tantrum, and that it will pass, and that my GF doesn't really believe what she is saying. Just 2 days ago she was saying that she hated me (in front of the kids) and that we (older son and I) sucked (Luckily our sons don't speak English). Afterwards she said "I don't see how we can have a future, as I get really mad when you don't talk, and then I scream at you when you talk and I tell you everything you say is wrong". Next day she has been affectionate and she apologized for being angry and saying things. She is getting more aware of herself, and she said herself that it was a tantrum.

It's not easy, but it gets easier.

I think you can adknowledge his need to let go, and feel better by drinking. But he must know himself that that doesn't solve anything. It's a temporal fix that will make things worse in the future. If you see this working, you can tell him that you love him and that you enjoy spending time with him, the way he is, and there is no need for alcohol. If he is very receptive, you can talk about his mood when he drinks, that maybe he enjoys more his time, but he turns "not nice" to you, and that makes it difficult for you.

If you try to cut the experience, it would feel like abandonment, and invalidating. But if you continue to go out, but reducing the alcohol intake, you're telling him that you need more of him, no less.

This is delicate, as adictions have a way of presenting themselves as their best friend, something they need to keep going in life. How's his awarenes of this situation, and of the BPD in general?

Good luck and keep writing!

[AnonUK]

Thanks a lot JoeBPD81 for your guidance. I do agree with what you have suggested.

Regarding his awareness about the alcohol situation ... .he agrees that it is not right to drink everyday ... understands it ... .but its addiction and hence he just does it ... .I have a feeling that alcohol helps him to sleep well ... .and so he tends to drink at night to get some sleep. If he does not drink, he finds it really difficult to sleep. If he takes alcohol then he sleeps for at least 5-8 hours  which I think is very necessary for him ... .

Regarding his awareness about BPD ... I don't think he is aware of this disorder but he always says that "he is a defective piece"... ."My thinking is different" ... .so I think he is aware that his behavior is not proper at times, or he is impulsive etc ... .
But I do not think he knows that all this is because he is suffering from a disorder. I am not planning on telling this to him as yet ... .

As you mentioned its a marathon and so long way to go ... .so one step at a time.

Thanks a lot once again for your help. Will keep updating.