My wife has had BPD our entire marriage, but I just figured it out a year ago

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife was always a bit immature.  When we married, she never really grew up.  She has had SA issues for the past 20 years, but not currently using.

She cheated on me twice before we got married.  The one I knew about, and it was just a few months into our relationship.  Got drunk at a wedding and left with the guy, then came to me 

Also cheated on me when we had been together for about a year.  We weren't married at the time, but she gave me an STD.  I just found out about this infidelity a few weeks ago.  She told me they started to have sex before before her conscience kicked in and she stopped it.  I don't believe her.

She went on a business trip in 2000 and started an affair with a guy from her company, but from an office 2000 miles away.  She denies having relations with him on this trip, and that the guy only got to 2nd base before her conscience kicked in and she stopped it.  I don't believe her.  She had only known this guy for 48 hours before ending up in his bed.  It was all his fault though.  He made her.

I know these two paragraphs sound the same, but it was the same reason, and same excuse, and as always something to make it not seem so bad... .  Always finds some way to diminish the bad things she does.

When she got home from her business trip, she started a cyber affair with the guy from her company.  6 weeks later he visits her office and she spent every spare moment with him having sex.

I found out about the affair when I found two chat logs on her home PC.  Very explicit, and very detailed about what they were going to do when he got there.

I also found a treasure trove of logs that was basically every text conversation they ever had.  The hardest part is the cruel way she spoke of me.  Belittled me.  Emasculated me.  Told him she was embarrassed to be seen with me in public.  I'm shorter than her... .

DD was in June of 2000, and she promised to end it, but didn't.  She got really angry at me for finding out, and ruining her fun.  It went on for another two months, and it was escalating.

I ended it... .  I found out where his wife worked, the address, phone number.  And I texted him, told him to tell his wife because I was going to call her tomorrow and tell her.  Emailed her the logs when she asked for them.

I know this is more than a bit rambling.

So, why now, in 2017 am I obsessing over and affair in 2000?  Because it was never dealt with.  Never saw a marriage counselor.  No couples therapy.  She had 3 years of therapy with a professional who wasn't.  He asked her very inappropriate detailed sexual questions... .  She also turned this professional against me.  He had been mine first, and he fired me.

A few more years, another therapist.  Lied about most things, blamed me for everything, and turned this professional against me.

And she did that one more time with another therapist.

Nothing has worked.

She is now with a good therapist, has been diagnosed with depression, BPD and ADHD.

But, you know, after educating myself about BPD, I'm afraid of what else she might have done over the years.

I'm very afraid there have been more infidelities.

[DD2000]

My wife was always a bit immature.  When we married, she never really grew up.  She has had SA issues for the past 20 years, but not currently using.

She cheated on me twice before we got married.  The one I knew about, and it was just a few months into our relationship.  Got drunk at a wedding and left with the guy, then came to me 

Also cheated on me when we had been together for about a year.  We weren't married at the time, but she gave me an STD.  I just found out about this infidelity a few weeks ago.  She told me they started to have sex before before her conscience kicked in and she stopped it.  I don't believe her.

She went on a business trip in 2000 and started an affair with a guy from her company, but from an office 2000 miles away.  She denies having relations with him on this trip, and that the guy only got to 2nd base before her conscience kicked in and she stopped it.  I don't believe her.  She had only known this guy for 48 hours before ending up in his bed.  It was all his fault though.  He made her.

I know these two paragraphs sound the same, but it was the same reason, and same excuse, and as always something to make it not seem so bad... .  Always finds some way to diminish the bad things she does.

When she got home from her business trip, she started a cyber affair with the guy from her company.  6 weeks later he visits her office and she spent every spare moment with him having sex.

I found out about the affair when I found two chat logs on her home PC.  Very explicit, and very detailed about what they were going to do when he got there.

I also found a treasure trove of logs that was basically every text conversation they ever had.  The hardest part is the cruel way she spoke of me.  Belittled me.  Emasculated me.  Told him she was embarrassed to be seen with me in public.  I'm shorter than her... .

DD was in June of 2000, and she promised to end it, but didn't.  She got really angry at me for finding out, and ruining her fun.  It went on for another two months, and it was escalating.

I ended it... .  I found out where his wife worked, the address, phone number.  And I texted him, told him to tell his wife because I was going to call her tomorrow and tell her.  Emailed her the logs when she asked for them.

I know this is more than a bit rambling.

So, why now, in 2017 am I obsessing over and affair in 2000?  Because it was never dealt with.  Never saw a marriage counselor.  No couples therapy.  She had 3 years of therapy with a professional who wasn't.  He asked her very inappropriate detailed sexual questions... .  She also turned this professional against me.  He had been mine first, and he fired me.

A few more years, another therapist.  Lied about most things, blamed me for everything, and turned this professional against me.

And she did that one more time with another therapist.

Nothing has worked.

She is now with a good therapist, has been diagnosed with depression, BPD and ADHD.

But, you know, after educating myself about BPD, I'm afraid of what else she might have done over the years.

I'm very afraid there have been more infidelities.

[wendydarling]

Hi DD2000   and welcome to bpdfamily

I'm glad you've reached out for support and sorry for what brought you here. I can understand you are very afraid after all this this time there maybe more infidelities.

Do you have children, are you still living in the home? Does you wife accept her recent diagnosis.

We are here to walk forwards with you, small and gentle steps.

WDx

[AnuDay]

Hello,
I am sorry to hear what you have been through.  This sounds exactly like my girlfriend/common-law wife (thank God we didn't get legally married).  We are unwinding things now.  What you explained and have been through sounds pretty common in people with BPD.  Read my introductory post.  Pretty similar.