Not asking future SIL to be a bridesmaid

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all, I'm new to the site so I'll try to cover everything as briefly as I can.

My now finance and I began dating around 6 years ago.  Right away he warned be about his sister, telling me that she was a lot to handle.  That turned out to be an understatement.

I'm very close with my in-laws with the exception of my future SIL.  Over the 6 years I have known her she has:
-  Asked for and received several loans from family members totaling well over $5,000 which she said she would pay back but secretly admitted to her mother that she likely never will.
-  Constantly made cruel "jokes" to everyone around her (mostly toward her mother) and cannot understand why anyone ever becomes upset about them
-  Dated an uncountable number of men (if she were anyone else, this would not be a big deal).  She is automatically head-over-heels in love with them but constantly suspicious about their actions whenever they are more than 10 ft from her.  Eventually it always ends because she looks through their phone and they find out or she tells them they're childish for getting angry about her constant suspicion.
-  Had several pregnancy scares with random men which she has confessed to me were on purpose.
-  Moved across the country several times on a whim (twice for men, with whom she only stayed a couple weeks and met over the internet) only to beg for her mother to finance her move back into their family home when she can no longer afford to live on her own.
- Told me how jealous she is of my relationship with her brother (my fiance).  She wants to be close to him but they do not have a close relationship.
- Always openly admitted to wanting to be the center of attention.  She absolutely has to be in every picture taken at all events. She needs attention in all situations.  The worst example I can think of is when her second cousin's grandfather's was put into hospice care.  She had to be by the man's side the entire time as he passed (she did not know him all that well) and would not allow even the man's sister to take her place.  No one said anything and it was horrifying.

There is much, much more and probably worse things than I have listed, but I don't want to get into the rest of it.

She is always asking for advice from me and I have done my best but my therapist (who I began seeing because of her) recommended I distance myself from her for my own mental health.  Though my SIL is not diagnosed with BPD, all involved think it is highly likely.  Because she texts me frequently and because I spend time with my in laws very frequently while my fiance is away on business (which is usually about half of the year), she has decided that I am one of her best friends.   Though I truly want what is best for her, hearing her name makes me sick to my stomach and I can't imagine any positive experience for myself resulting in having her as a bridesmaid.

My therapist had me read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" so I feel I understand a bit more now of what she is going through (though I I haven't lived her life and I am also still very angry which surely introduces some bias).  I have also realized how thoroughly her family has been enabling her to continue her behavior.  Her mother is very skeptical of her having BPD and my fiance is inclined to believe that she is in denial.  Everything she does is to keep SIL from becoming angry or upset even though she is the main target of SIL's ridicule and anger.  She is truly living the definition of "walking on eggshells".   She also is desperate for both my fiance and SIL to be close for the rest of their lives and is constantly (and aggressively) pushing them to spend time together (this is not a bad thing, it just does not seem to be something that will work out, according to fiance).

Our wedding is coming up and the time is approaching for my fiance and I to choose our wedding parties.  I know without question that she is expecting me to ask her to be a bridesmaid but even the thought of having her in my party makes me feel sick.  My question for the group is, what is the best way to tell her she won't be a bridesmaid when she asks?  I want to avoid as much drama with this as possible (though I'm sure at least a little bit is inevitable).  I'm very close with her mother and I'm worried that if I don't include my SIL, she will also be angry at me for not including her.  I've never said anything bad to her and vented only to fiance about this but I feel this is a situation where I need to do what is best for me.   Any advice/thoughts are appreciated!
Also important to note: No other family members will be either a bridesmaid or a groomsmen.

[Myliobatidae3]

Hello all, I'm new to the site so I'll try to cover everything as briefly as I can.

My now finance and I began dating around 6 years ago.  Right away he warned be about his sister, telling me that she was a lot to handle.  That turned out to be an understatement.

I'm very close with my in-laws with the exception of my future SIL.  Over the 6 years I have known her she has:
-  Asked for and received several loans from family members totaling well over $5,000 which she said she would pay back but secretly admitted to her mother that she likely never will.
-  Constantly made cruel "jokes" to everyone around her (mostly toward her mother) and cannot understand why anyone ever becomes upset about them
-  Dated an uncountable number of men (if she were anyone else, this would not be a big deal).  She is automatically head-over-heels in love with them but constantly suspicious about their actions whenever they are more than 10 ft from her.  Eventually it always ends because she looks through their phone and they find out or she tells them they're childish for getting angry about her constant suspicion.
-  Had several pregnancy scares with random men which she has confessed to me were on purpose.
-  Moved across the country several times on a whim (twice for men, with whom she only stayed a couple weeks and met over the internet) only to beg for her mother to finance her move back into their family home when she can no longer afford to live on her own.
- Told me how jealous she is of my relationship with her brother (my fiance).  She wants to be close to him but they do not have a close relationship.
- Always openly admitted to wanting to be the center of attention.  She absolutely has to be in every picture taken at all events. She needs attention in all situations.  The worst example I can think of is when her second cousin's grandfather's was put into hospice care.  She had to be by the man's side the entire time as he passed (she did not know him all that well) and would not allow even the man's sister to take her place.  No one said anything and it was horrifying.

There is much, much more and probably worse things than I have listed, but I don't want to get into the rest of it.

She is always asking for advice from me and I have done my best but my therapist (who I began seeing because of her) recommended I distance myself from her for my own mental health.  Though my SIL is not diagnosed with BPD, all involved think it is highly likely.  Because she texts me frequently and because I spend time with my in laws very frequently while my fiance is away on business (which is usually about half of the year), she has decided that I am one of her best friends.   Though I truly want what is best for her, hearing her name makes me sick to my stomach and I can't imagine any positive experience for myself resulting in having her as a bridesmaid.

My therapist had me read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" so I feel I understand a bit more now of what she is going through (though I I haven't lived her life and I am also still very angry which surely introduces some bias).  I have also realized how thoroughly her family has been enabling her to continue her behavior.  Her mother is very skeptical of her having BPD and my fiance is inclined to believe that she is in denial.  Everything she does is to keep SIL from becoming angry or upset even though she is the main target of SIL's ridicule and anger.  She is truly living the definition of "walking on eggshells".   She also is desperate for both my fiance and SIL to be close for the rest of their lives and is constantly (and aggressively) pushing them to spend time together (this is not a bad thing, it just does not seem to be something that will work out, according to fiance).

Our wedding is coming up and the time is approaching for my fiance and I to choose our wedding parties.  I know without question that she is expecting me to ask her to be a bridesmaid but even the thought of having her in my party makes me feel sick.  My question for the group is, what is the best way to tell her she won't be a bridesmaid when she asks?  I want to avoid as much drama with this as possible (though I'm sure at least a little bit is inevitable).  I'm very close with her mother and I'm worried that if I don't include my SIL, she will also be angry at me for not including her.  I've never said anything bad to her and vented only to fiance about this but I feel this is a situation where I need to do what is best for me.   Any advice/thoughts are appreciated!
Also important to note: No other family members will be either a bridesmaid or a groomsmen.

[Turkish]

Why do you think other family members won't be part of the wedding party?

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on your wedding!

First, I think it's important to have the wedding you want and you decide who is in the bridal party.

That said- a wedding is also a joining of two families ( and there is some kind of drama in most families IMHO maybe not all BPD but each family has its own dynamics) . If this were your own sister- you'd be familiar with the dynamics between the two of you and so could navigate the pros and cons of this decision.

This is your fiancés sister and I think it would help to involve him with this. Whenever there are three people involved- there is a potential for the drama triangle. I think it would be good for the two of you to be aligned in this decision. If you don't want her as a bridesmaid and your fiancé is uncertain, or concerned it would create a lot of drama- then the two of you need to come to a solution.

This doesn't mean not having boundaries or placating the sister all the time but making a conscious choice about when and where to manage the drama of these things. It may be best to do that now, or consider that including her would result in a more peaceful wedding ceremony.

It's tough when a family member has BPD. Planning family events with BPD mom has been a challenge. Sometimes we have left her out and that does hurt her feelings but it's more peaceful when there is less drama. But leaving her out at a family wedding is not something I would want to do- and then we would have to manage how to do that. Think of the possible people involved- would your decision cause decades of drama with your in laws? SIL to cause a scene at the wedding? You do need to draw the line - set your boundaries about what your relationship with SIL shall be but consider how and when to do this.

If your bridal party is only your close friends and no siblings then that's an easy line there. You can uphold that one - whether SIL likes it or not.

[Panshekay]

Congrats, this is a tuff one for sure... .maybe because I am a people pleaser, with poor boundary setting skills haha... .I do have people close to me who suffer from BPD and when I put myself in your shoes (or wedding dress) I think, no way would I want them in my Wedding Party if I were getting married. Perhaps if you and your fiancée sat down with both sides of your family and both say something like "we just wanted everyone to know that our Wedding party is going to consist of blah blah blah.  Keep it light. Be prepared for backlash, but stand firm... .it's you and your fiancées day no one else's. If push comes to shove maybe you could let her do something in the wedding for you, not sure what that would be, I have been married a long time. Back in my day we had someone in charge of the guest sign in... .;-) enjoy and cherish your day... .you waited a long time for it.

[GaGrl]

If SIL is going to disrupt planning, etc. As a member of the bridal party, certainly you don't have to include her. It's your wedding.

I do agree that there might be a role she could play... .perhaps a reading in the ceremony? The Corinthians Love passage?

Some people on this board have had relatives so unpredictable that a family member or hired security was assigned to keep an eye on the PPD in case there was a deregulation. So you aren't alone in your concern.

[Notwendy]

Yes, I tend to people please too, but boundaries are important.

I don't know why,  but weddings seem to bring out dysfunction in families. I wanted one of my H's relatives in the bridal party and then future MIL ( who does not have BPD) insisted that if I had this person, I had to have her cousins too. I realized this would just get bigger and bigger with more family insisting on so and so, so I drew the line, said no to all of them. ( my H didn't have sisters who wanted to be bridesmaids).

With BPD mom, the issue is if we have a family event that includes her, we "have to" ( she insists and if I say no just badgers and badgers) invite her extended family as well. I have gone both ways on this. Said no at the get go, and faced her threats and anger. I have said yes, and that has been the start of pushing more boundaries " well now that so and so is coming you HAVE to serve this kind of food, or beverage, or whatever she thinks is necessary to entertain her family. The event then becomes about her wishes.

When I got married I was expected to be compliant with BPD mom.  Growing up in my FOO, I didn't even imagine I could say no to her. I have to admit, she did an amazing job with the  wedding, but it was basically the wedding she wanted and I had little say in the details.

This is why I do say that brides should have the wedding they want, ( and can afford) but also that weddings, if both families are included, are also about the larger picture. Somewhere between being compliant to what everyone wants, and insisting on having every thing one way is probably some middle ground that works. When it comes to BPD, boundaries are tough. Although I know I err on the side of people pleasing, I do try to consider picking my battles and holding to the boundaries that are the most important to me.

As a couple, I tend to deal with my own family issues and my H deals with his. These family dynamics have been in place before we met each other. Often if there is one person in the family with a disorder, there is disordered dynamics involved with other members- people who are co-dependent or enablers. Sometimes when one family member steps out of that line, they may be rejected by the others.

I think you should have boundaries with the BPD SIL, just be aware of the potential drama that can be the result of that. It isn't about whether or not you should have the boundary, but when and where and what you should do to handle it .

[Furbaby Mom]

Hey,
I feel like we may be kindred spirits here.  I recently got married and how my 2 SIL's in the wedding out of courtesy for them being my husband's sisters.  I and many family members believe that both sisters have BPD traits.  The older of the two (SIL 1) has been diagnosed, but goes untreated.  Having gone through the process, there were a few times where I wish I did not have them in the wedding.  The younger of the two actively tried to break up our wedding before the events like the shower came around.  That being said, they were able to behave themselves at the wedding.  I made my other bridemaids aware of their actions and they were given limited parts of planning the shower and all.
 Here are a few of the things that happened as a result of them being in the wedding:
SIL 1 tried to get the family to do an impromptu skit at the rehearsal.  Family knew to shut that idea down.
SIL 1 about two weeks before the wedding announced she was going to be having an invasive surgery to remove her ovaries a few days before the wedding and she may be in a wheelchair but will still be in the wedding.  The surgery never happened and she is still to this day "managing her pain"
SIL 2 never responded to any of my texts or emails about hair and makeup and then 4 weeks before the wedding flipped out demanding that I arrange the appointments for her.  I did not arrange them which resulted in me being added to her "black list." I very calmly stated that she can just meet us after she gets her hair done which she ended up doing.
SIL 2 thought the dress was ugly and wanted to change colors, but of course, the bridal salon would not let her
SIL 2 had convinced my husband's friend (whom she had been sleeping with) that I was evil to the point where he came to our house and called me a ___ for not helping set up my SIL's hair and makeup.  He told me I was causing a rift in the family via emails as well. 
SIL 2 told me on the day of the wedding that the earrings I got them were stupid and she brought her own.  Everyone in the room told her to put on the earrings and be quiet about it.
SIL 2 slept with one of my husband's friends at the wedding.

All in all, it really was not too bad.  They did act up a little at the shower.  They showed up in all black and pretty much hysterically cried throughout the event and they didn't take any pictures of anything.  Again, not bad considering what could have happened.  I think the biggest asset I had was that I had shared with many people from both my side and his side my fears of anyone ruining the event so I had people supporting me.  On the wedding day, I did not even have to really speak to them much aside from taking pictures together.  A piece of me thinks that the wedding actually helped them see that they are a part of the family, but not always the center of attention.  There were people scattered throughout the wedding and the reception making sure nothing happened.  SIL 1 tried to reconcile with family members at the reception to which they simply said, "Now is not the time or place.  We love you."  She got upset, but she didn't want to ultimately be the scene, she just wanted to cause one. 

If you opt to not have her in your wedding, remember though that the drama may still happen.  I like the suggestion of having your SIL be a part of the wedding, but maybe as a reader.  We all know that she will get upset and it is uncertain to what extent.  My SIL's have since told me that they wish they were not a part of the wedding because I only did it out of obligation.  I simply stated, "I know you because of your brother so that's why you were in the wedding."  You can't win either way. 

Remember this is your day.  You deserve to have a moment in the spotlight without any drama.