When to give up?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, Ive been married to someone I suspect to have BPD for 2 years. Have been through 6 months of marriage counseling which resulted in him asking her to get evaluated due to him suspecting a personality disorder. It took several months for him to get to the bottom of our two very different takes on happenings and incidents around the house. Our perceptions always seemed so different to the point I was told to record the incidents. It was driving me crazy. She refused to go when she could no longer deny then devalued him to pastors and her family . Ive clearly noticed periods of idealization then complete devaluation and intense shaming many times in front of her family and the children. Her rage comes unsuspectedly and abruptly, then turns to physical abuse and violence. She has isolated me from my family through shaming me and devaluing my mother. Just a call from my mother can set her off , bringing up a grudge over trivial FB likes or lack thereof 2 years ago. that same call can bring her into a rage of cruel hateful remarks  of  brothers, sisters and even into distant aunts and uncles. Ive never been in an abusive relationship but this clearly is. Over the 2 years I have often been compared to her past boyfriends and her late husband passing from ALS. Ive been through horrible physical abuse including being choked, punched, kicked, scratched, gouged, bruised many times over very small disagreements. I estimate the abuse would be probably 80 times; severe drawing blood and; 30-40 times scratches, bruises, torn clothes. Many times while driving. many times not defending myself as she would claim I was hitting her or I did want her to get hurt. Lots of school yard bullying and namecalling much beyond cruel or diabolical. She has not and cannot even acknowledge any of it whatsoever. Lots of school yard bullying and namecalling. She has a way of nullifying it or negating it.

 What has made me feel most crazy is the irrationality of a simple conversation often times accusing me of saying, doing or feeling things that I dont, but she does, then spreading those falsehoods to friends, family co-workers. I have read much online over the years and have familiarized myself with BPD and it has helped me set boundaries, recognize clear gaslighting,  and the constant projection which seems impossible to rationalize with. It has also helped keep me calm in disagreements although my restraint wears thin. I think Ive developed issues for staying in this so long, but we have 4 kids, 1 from my previous marriage, two from hers, one together unexpectedly. Ive tried reaching out to her family members pastors etc but she has such a bubbly brilliant personality that masks this all so well. Both middle class professionals and functional (although Im barely holding on) and Christian. Never posted on a site anywhere but has anyone else ever experienced this? 

[toucansam]

Hello, Ive been married to someone I suspect to have BPD for 2 years. Have been through 6 months of marriage counseling which resulted in him asking her to get evaluated due to him suspecting a personality disorder. It took several months for him to get to the bottom of our two very different takes on happenings and incidents around the house. Our perceptions always seemed so different to the point I was told to record the incidents. It was driving me crazy. She refused to go when she could no longer deny then devalued him to pastors and her family . Ive clearly noticed periods of idealization then complete devaluation and intense shaming many times in front of her family and the children. Her rage comes unsuspectedly and abruptly, then turns to physical abuse and violence. She has isolated me from my family through shaming me and devaluing my mother. Just a call from my mother can set her off , bringing up a grudge over trivial FB likes or lack thereof 2 years ago. that same call can bring her into a rage of cruel hateful remarks  of  brothers, sisters and even into distant aunts and uncles. Ive never been in an abusive relationship but this clearly is. Over the 2 years I have often been compared to her past boyfriends and her late husband passing from ALS. Ive been through horrible physical abuse including being choked, punched, kicked, scratched, gouged, bruised many times over very small disagreements. I estimate the abuse would be probably 80 times; severe drawing blood and; 30-40 times scratches, bruises, torn clothes. Many times while driving. many times not defending myself as she would claim I was hitting her or I did want her to get hurt. Lots of school yard bullying and namecalling much beyond cruel or diabolical. She has not and cannot even acknowledge any of it whatsoever. Lots of school yard bullying and namecalling. She has a way of nullifying it or negating it.

 What has made me feel most crazy is the irrationality of a simple conversation often times accusing me of saying, doing or feeling things that I dont, but she does, then spreading those falsehoods to friends, family co-workers. I have read much online over the years and have familiarized myself with BPD and it has helped me set boundaries, recognize clear gaslighting,  and the constant projection which seems impossible to rationalize with. It has also helped keep me calm in disagreements although my restraint wears thin. I think Ive developed issues for staying in this so long, but we have 4 kids, 1 from my previous marriage, two from hers, one together unexpectedly. Ive tried reaching out to her family members pastors etc but she has such a bubbly brilliant personality that masks this all so well. Both middle class professionals and functional (although Im barely holding on) and Christian. Never posted on a site anywhere but has anyone else ever experienced this? 

[smart_storm26]

You are worried about your kids, about her. When will you worry about yourself? Its been only six months with my BPD wife and thankfully I have no kids. But I can't even imagine what you must be going through. Physical violence like hitting you? My God. My wife never resorts to physical violence. If she did, I would have asked for a divorce. See you have read books and articles on BPD and you definitely know the concepts well but I believe there is something practical you have to do. Firstly what I believe BPs will never take responsibility for their destructive actions unless you force her to. You may have to give her a jolt to bring her back to reality. It may sound a bit rude but its the sad truth. Don't you have a right to live peacefully and not go insane? Isn't your well being important? You are thinking about your kids. Think about yourself too. These things are damaging you very bad and stealing years from your lifespan. Are you like an unimportant object who can be sacrificed for the well being of others? So give yourself some love first. Dont lash out at her like she does with you or don't go into an all out angry response after reading my statement. Instead do this

Do it step by step

1. Be calm. Take some steps to become calm first if its difficult. Meditation, movies, games... .you choose
2. Step out and go somewhere for a couple of days. The number of days may vary. If you guys have gone through the no contact phase before in the past after a fight and after being hurt and say your norm no contact period is 2 days... .these time stay away noticeably a little bit more. Anywhere out of your house will do. You can go stay in a friend's house... .etc. These few days you will not contact her, not even a 'Hi... .is everything alright' message. You may worry about your kids but do not let your concern for them make you go back anytime during these days. Its important. At this time she will think where did you go and whats wrong with you. This is important. She will call you. Don't respond. She will blame you. Dont respond. If required, hide your phone if you think you will not be able to control yourself
3. After this period of staying away, you should feel a lot more calm and content. Now go back and appear happy, unfazed. Do not apologize for staying away. Just fulfill your household responsibilities. At this point, your wife may do 2 things. She might either act nicely to you (very low chance) or she will blame you, criticize you (high probability). Just smile and laugh back at her and carry on. See to your kids that they have not been harmed while you were gone.
4. Now comes the most important part. Write up a mail. Yes a mail to your wife. No calling, no messaging. A simple mail.

This is what your mail will read like

a. First mention everything that you are having to go through and everything you think is wrong about all this. List out everything she has done bad to you including physical abuse
b. Then mention how much you love her and how much all of this has hurt you, how it has broken you from inside and made you feel disrespected. The idea of first telling her how much you love her and then telling her how much she hurt you is like ringing her emotional bell.
c. Then mention that it is the responsibility of both people to make the relationship prosper. One person cannot keep acting out on her own emotions and then blame the other person for it. You have emotional needs too. You have feelings too and you get hurt too. Explain that you cannot become a bad person because she has a poor sense of her self and is projecting that negativity on to you.
d. In the end explain that she needs to take responsibility for those actions of her which hurt you. And tell her you cannot keep living this life. It is killing you. Tell her that you cannot keep loving her and keep staying with her if she keeps hurting you like this. If required, you will move out no matter how difficult it is for you (dont worry, atleast write it in the mail). Dont make it sound like a threat but make it sound like its your only option and that you respect yourself enough to take a tough decision.

The reasons you put it in a mail are that a mail looks much more serious than an angry call or a message. Also if you try talking to her, it will only end in arguments when you will call her out for her mistakes. She cant do that to your mail. Also if you 2 guys decide to separate and she takes you to court, you can use this mail as proof of how frustrated you were. You dont have to explain yourself again. You can simply forward the mail to others and show her responses to it. If she responds badly to your mail, it will only work against her

Also keep in mind. That after taking such a strong stand, she will try to justify her actions and blame you... .saying like you were responsible for her acting like this... .you also hurt her blah blah. Do not respond and keep mum. Don't even go into an argument. Let her rant. When she will see that her ranting is not causing any effect thats when she will start to read your mail seriously the second time (hehe I know its funny) and thats when she will try to think if she did something wrong. That will be a start my friend!

[DaddyBear77]

Hi toucansam - thank you for posting your story and taking a first step by joining the conversation here.

It may seem like a no-brainer, but everyone, even men, need to consider their safety first. And as fathers, we also need to consider the safety of our children first.

There are a couple articles / workshops I'd suggest you check out on this site.

The first one is here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

It shares the experience of many others on this site on the topic of domestic violence with men, which you mention is very much a part of your current situation.

The second article is here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379.0

This article links to the MOSAIC assessment tool, which can help you think through some of the future scenarios and help you make some decisions going forward.

smart_storm26 has some good suggestions about creating some space for yourself and taking inventory. These are also described in our Choosing a Path article here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.0


We and others are here to help along the path.

~DaddyBear77

[Turkish]

Hello toucansam,

I personally haven't been through what you are describing,  but over the years,  I've seen many members who have.  I'm concerned for your safety and that of the kids.  

In addition to the links which DaddyBear77 posted,  I'd also encourage you to develop a safety plan:

Safety First

Have you thought about reaching out to a local domestic violence hotline? Local help can be invaluable,  and the call is anonymous.  They can direct you to local resources, and it always helps to talk to a sympathetic and understanding voice. I encouraged my ex to do so one night,  and she said that it helped.  :)o you think you can make the call? Because you sound trapped. It would be a first, good step, and of course all of us will be here to support you  

Turkish

[wendydarling]

How are you toucansam, wondering how are things going since your post? 

WDx