Why did my ex BPD cheat with me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am really at my wit's end, and will never get the truth from my ex. Her behaviour from the start has been very bizarre, and I have only now been able to find some closure in the fact that she has mental illness.

To summarize our relationship, it was very good. I am a very patient, easy-going person as well able to put up with a lot from my BPD ex. She displayed classic BPD characteristics, but at the time I brushed off as not a big deal (extreme clinginess, prone to outbursts over perceived betrayals, love-bombing). She was abandoned by her father at an early age, and I'm pretty sure he's not the evil person her mother claims him to be (who has huge controlling issues of her own). I am a confident person, but at the time I lost my war of attrition against her and began to lose friends, family, hobbies, etc. because she demanded my full and complete attention. I was in extremely good shape, huge savings, and a great job, and I let almost all of it slip away except I still kept my job. Simply going out with my friends for dinner would cause her to call me 100 times and ruin the evening for me. I never let her get away from these things, but always forgave her.

Our relationship came to a head when she began to become demanding about getting engaged. She told me she would not wait more than a year to get engaged, and when that time past, even though I already had the ring, she told me she's leaving me. She came running back the next day, but we had a long discussion about some of the doubts in our relationship, and I was met with fury like I had never seen before (she threatened to make false abuse allegations to the police against me). This was the final straw and I told her it was over and never wanted anything to do with her again.

She harassed me for 3 months straight, and at some point, I think do to loneliness, I decided that I wanted her back. We had been talking and she was telling me she's decided she won't get back together with me, and that the only way for her to do so would be for me to get engaged that moment. She said she was terrified she would be abandoned by me, and her anxiety wouldn't allow her to so (she was on a lot of medication after our breakup and was distraught for months). I remember one of our last conversations at that time, she told me she loved me more than anything in the world and just wanted to marry me. I said I couldn't do that but we could get together and work on things. She said, "I met someone he really likes me". With that, I never heard about her again for about a month, within a week of this event she already had pictures of them plastered all over facebook. I could never understand this, how could someone who loves me so much and wants to marry me just suddenly be smitten with someone else.

I left it alone for a month until I started getting some charms from her. In the end, she kept up her story about how I'm the love of her life, that she misses me so much, but she'll only come back if I propose. Again I said no. I heard a lot of awful things about my replacement. 15 years her senior, drives a tow truck, lives at home with his parents, does drugs, is unattractive and very badly learning disabled (she's a professional near a phd) and has anger issues. Honestly, I couldn't believe this was the girl I wanted to marry. I felt like it was such a spit in my face to me.

Anyway, we still kept in communication every day secretly, and at some point we started an affair about 2 months ago. At this time, she promised she was coming back to me, and that I only agreed to this because she was going to break up with him. She kept breaking her promise, but wanted to continue seeing me, and I was okay with it because I think she just needed time to build up the courage to do it. About 3 weeks ago, she called me several times, told me how much she loves me and misses me and wishes we could be together. 3 days later I got a message from her that she loves her new boyfriend and sees a future with him; that it was 100% over and she could not talk to me ever again. I messaged her 1 week ago to ask how she was and she told me she's been thinking about me in the shower and being nice. We had a talk the next morning and she told me she won't come back to me, because she's scared of me dumping her again and that engagement is the only thing standing between her and I. She told me he's not her soul mate, but that if someone likes her more than she likes them she would not be so devastated if they broke up; that she would miss his dogs more than she missed him. I felt this was surprisingly lucid of her, but again her actions don't coincide with her words. She told me she loved me and said goodbye. She went completely cold again after that. Our last talk 1 week ago she told me she wants to marry him, she's just worried he won't go through with it. I've completely cut off communication with her, but I'm positive she has not reached out me.

This whole situation has just made my head spin. It's made me question all my ideas about love, respect, and empathy for others. How does a person cheat on their partners after 3 months, for a month straight, then happily agree to marry them. I feel very guilty for what I did, she told me she didn't regret it for a second, but then said she did weeks later, but I believe this was just a distancing technique "he's on to us this has to stop".

So I have a few questions:

Is this at all a common experience for people with BPD ex's? I believed her words, but in the end her actions speak a lot louder.

Are people w/ BPD obsessed with marriage? We had huge issues in our relationship, and she couldn't care less about sorting them out before tying the knot. I wanted assurances we'd have a happy marriage, I feel like she doesn't even look a day ahead of herself.

I am not even going to ask if she's ever going to come back. I know from reading these forums, that if she comes back it's not about love but her needs. I am not an object, but I find it so difficult not to speak to her. She always used to tell me how anxious she'd get if I didn't speak to her and I guess it's just a manipulation of my people pleasing attitude. I've found it so hard to move on from this. I'm torn between this being the actions of a mentally disturbed person, and this frame she's created where she loves me will all her heart and she's just afraid to get so badly hurt again. So confused.

[jfrdl]

I am really at my wit's end, and will never get the truth from my ex. Her behaviour from the start has been very bizarre, and I have only now been able to find some closure in the fact that she has mental illness.

To summarize our relationship, it was very good. I am a very patient, easy-going person as well able to put up with a lot from my BPD ex. She displayed classic BPD characteristics, but at the time I brushed off as not a big deal (extreme clinginess, prone to outbursts over perceived betrayals, love-bombing). She was abandoned by her father at an early age, and I'm pretty sure he's not the evil person her mother claims him to be (who has huge controlling issues of her own). I am a confident person, but at the time I lost my war of attrition against her and began to lose friends, family, hobbies, etc. because she demanded my full and complete attention. I was in extremely good shape, huge savings, and a great job, and I let almost all of it slip away except I still kept my job. Simply going out with my friends for dinner would cause her to call me 100 times and ruin the evening for me. I never let her get away from these things, but always forgave her.

Our relationship came to a head when she began to become demanding about getting engaged. She told me she would not wait more than a year to get engaged, and when that time past, even though I already had the ring, she told me she's leaving me. She came running back the next day, but we had a long discussion about some of the doubts in our relationship, and I was met with fury like I had never seen before (she threatened to make false abuse allegations to the police against me). This was the final straw and I told her it was over and never wanted anything to do with her again.

She harassed me for 3 months straight, and at some point, I think do to loneliness, I decided that I wanted her back. We had been talking and she was telling me she's decided she won't get back together with me, and that the only way for her to do so would be for me to get engaged that moment. She said she was terrified she would be abandoned by me, and her anxiety wouldn't allow her to so (she was on a lot of medication after our breakup and was distraught for months). I remember one of our last conversations at that time, she told me she loved me more than anything in the world and just wanted to marry me. I said I couldn't do that but we could get together and work on things. She said, "I met someone he really likes me". With that, I never heard about her again for about a month, within a week of this event she already had pictures of them plastered all over facebook. I could never understand this, how could someone who loves me so much and wants to marry me just suddenly be smitten with someone else.

I left it alone for a month until I started getting some charms from her. In the end, she kept up her story about how I'm the love of her life, that she misses me so much, but she'll only come back if I propose. Again I said no. I heard a lot of awful things about my replacement. 15 years her senior, drives a tow truck, lives at home with his parents, does drugs, is unattractive and very badly learning disabled (she's a professional near a phd) and has anger issues. Honestly, I couldn't believe this was the girl I wanted to marry. I felt like it was such a spit in my face to me.

Anyway, we still kept in communication every day secretly, and at some point we started an affair about 2 months ago. At this time, she promised she was coming back to me, and that I only agreed to this because she was going to break up with him. She kept breaking her promise, but wanted to continue seeing me, and I was okay with it because I think she just needed time to build up the courage to do it. About 3 weeks ago, she called me several times, told me how much she loves me and misses me and wishes we could be together. 3 days later I got a message from her that she loves her new boyfriend and sees a future with him; that it was 100% over and she could not talk to me ever again. I messaged her 1 week ago to ask how she was and she told me she's been thinking about me in the shower and being nice. We had a talk the next morning and she told me she won't come back to me, because she's scared of me dumping her again and that engagement is the only thing standing between her and I. She told me he's not her soul mate, but that if someone likes her more than she likes them she would not be so devastated if they broke up; that she would miss his dogs more than she missed him. I felt this was surprisingly lucid of her, but again her actions don't coincide with her words. She told me she loved me and said goodbye. She went completely cold again after that. Our last talk 1 week ago she told me she wants to marry him, she's just worried he won't go through with it. I've completely cut off communication with her, but I'm positive she has not reached out me.

This whole situation has just made my head spin. It's made me question all my ideas about love, respect, and empathy for others. How does a person cheat on their partners after 3 months, for a month straight, then happily agree to marry them. I feel very guilty for what I did, she told me she didn't regret it for a second, but then said she did weeks later, but I believe this was just a distancing technique "he's on to us this has to stop".

So I have a few questions:

Is this at all a common experience for people with BPD ex's? I believed her words, but in the end her actions speak a lot louder.

Are people w/ BPD obsessed with marriage? We had huge issues in our relationship, and she couldn't care less about sorting them out before tying the knot. I wanted assurances we'd have a happy marriage, I feel like she doesn't even look a day ahead of herself.

I am not even going to ask if she's ever going to come back. I know from reading these forums, that if she comes back it's not about love but her needs. I am not an object, but I find it so difficult not to speak to her. She always used to tell me how anxious she'd get if I didn't speak to her and I guess it's just a manipulation of my people pleasing attitude. I've found it so hard to move on from this. I'm torn between this being the actions of a mentally disturbed person, and this frame she's created where she loves me will all her heart and she's just afraid to get so badly hurt again. So confused.

[roberto516]

Welcome jfrdl. That made me exhausted just reading it! I can't imagine how you must feel having gone through it.

First, i learned from this site to always trust the actions over the words. The actions will show anyone's true character. Words will not. It's really as simple as that. But it stinks.

Second, within 2 months of being together my ex wanted me to move in. She was even talking about engagement shortly after. Luckily, I'm quite responsible with my money and I told her I wanted to pay off my student loans first (which are now done thank god!). Honestly though, a part of me thinks I knew something was "off" with her and wasn't ready to commit to something like that.

Third, I'm confused as well. I was recycled 2 months ago and after spending the weekend together she said she loved me again. Then a week later she was done with me. It's something we can't wrap our heads around.

These are just my two cents, but I walked away from the relationship first. And for two weeks she wanted me to come over. I asked her if there'd be a time where we could meet somewhere halfway (you know, compromise). she said she didn't know. Next day she said she wanted to be single.

I think ever since that she has been so conflicted with attachment/avoidance. I think when we walk away it destroys their trust and their fears of abandonment will always win the day from that point on. I'm guessing this is why my ex was so conflicted subconsciously. Why the last week she asked me to come over 3 straight days only to reply after each invite with "I don't know. I'm so confused." It seems like yours knew that to an extent as she kept saying she feared you would leave.

[jfrdl]

Thanks for your reply. I think there's a lot of overlap in our stories, and I take solace in the fact that you are facing similar circumstances.

Speaking of compromise, there is no compromise with my ex. There is no middle ground, there is only black and white.

Regarding wanting big commitments after 2 months, I've always felt this is a way to ensnare people. She told me she wanted to marry after 3 months. If you are have high anxiety, and dread abandonment, why wouldn't you want to insure your investment/relationship asap; especially when you are overwhelmed with love and desire at the time.

[schwing]

Hi jfrdl and

I'll try to relate some of what you wrote about your BPDex to what I understand about this disorder.  Hopefully some of this will be helpful to you.

She displayed classic BPD characteristics, but at the time I brushed off as not a big deal (extreme clinginess, prone to outbursts over perceived betrayals, love-bombing). She was abandoned by her father at an early age, and I'm pretty sure he's not the evil person her mother claims him to be (who has huge controlling issues of her own). 

Perhaps not all people with BPD (pwBPD) have this experience but a lot of the pwBPD in my life seem to have had some kind of early childhood trauma associated with abandonment/betrayal or denigration.  The end result being that this "primary trauma" affected their emotional development such that, pwBPD will perceive the potential for abandonment even when their loved one has no intention to do so.  It's like this early abandonment trauma affects the way they relate to all loved ones in their lives -- but this affect seems most apparent to their primary attachment.

I am a confident person, but at the time I lost my war of attrition against her and began to lose friends, family, hobbies, etc. because she demanded my full and complete attention. I was in extremely good shape, huge savings, and a great job, and I let almost all of it slip away except I still kept my job. Simply going out with my friends for dinner would cause her to call me 100 times and ruin the evening for me.

You see, when you were the primary attachment, she would be incessantly insecure about you.  Any kind of attention that you exhibited that wasn't directly given to her was perceived as a sign that you might "abandon" her.  And you would constantly try to prove to her that you had no such intention. But whatever you did was never enough.  Because the problem was not what you were doing or not doing.  The problem exists because of her disorder, of which she is in denial.

Our relationship came to a head when she began to become demanding about getting engaged. She told me she would not wait more than a year to get engaged, and when that time past, even though I already had the ring, she told me she's leaving me. She came running back the next day, but we had a long discussion about some of the doubts in our relationship, and I was met with fury like I had never seen before (she threatened to make false abuse allegations to the police against me). This was the final straw and I told her it was over and never wanted anything to do with her again.

In her mind, she kept needing "proof" that you were committed to her, or rather "proof" that you would not abandon her.  So a lot of pwBPD would require overt signs of commitment such as getting engaged, or getting married, or buying property together, or having children.  PwBPD can demand these kinds of signs of commitment as a way to assuage their disordered fear that they will be abandoned, or left behind.  But these actions are never enough to resolve their fear because the source of their fear is their disorder -- or consider their "primary trauma."

And when you demonstrated an actual intention of leaving, she interpreted that intention as *actual* or real abandonment.  And so she became desperate to avoid it, even to the point of making false allegations to the police against you.

She harassed me for 3 months straight, and at some point, I think do to loneliness, I decided that I wanted her back. We had been talking and she was telling me she's decided she won't get back together with me, and that the only way for her to do so would be for me to get engaged that moment. She said she was terrified she would be abandoned by me, and her anxiety wouldn't allow her to so (she was on a lot of medication after our breakup and was distraught for months). I remember one of our last conversations at that time, she told me she loved me more than anything in the world and just wanted to marry me. I said I couldn't do that but we could get together and work on things. She said, "I met someone he really likes me". With that, I never heard about her again for about a month, within a week of this event she already had pictures of them plastered all over facebook. I could never understand this, how could someone who loves me so much and wants to marry me just suddenly be smitten with someone else.

After you left, you were no longer her "primary attachment." And so she stopped experience that fear that you would abandon her.  Instead, she started feeling that way with her new primary attachment.  And as a means of manage that imagined abandonment fear with the new guy, she turned to you.  As long as she knew that you were available for her to leave to, for her to replace as her primary attachment, she felt safer.  Safe enough to continue staying with the new guy.

And when you stopped hearing from her, she probably turned to another person or a different way to manage her disordered emotions.

Another quality associated with borderline personality disorder, is sometimes described as "lacking object constancy."  You might consider looking into this quality.  For pwBPD, because they lack object constancy, they can go from one primary attachment to another primary attachment without skipping a beat.  There is no grief or sense of loss with the previous primary attachment.  As long as they have what they need, everyone else practically cease existing to them.

So a take-home message might be: if a pwBPD doesn't need you, then they stop loving you.  I suspect this is why she can suddenly discontinue her rapport with you for no apparent reason to you.

This whole situation has just made my head spin. It's made me question all my ideas about love, respect, and empathy for others. How does a person cheat on their partners after 3 months, for a month straight, then happily agree to marry them. I feel very guilty for what I did, she told me she didn't regret it for a second, but then said she did weeks later, but I believe this was just a distancing technique "he's on to us this has to stop".

I don't think you need to question your ideas about love, respect and empathy towards others.  You just need to consider that for pwBPD, they operate with a different set of priority and considerations, that are at the very least, different from non-disordered people.

Are people w/ BPD obsessed with marriage?

I would say, no.  Rather, instead of being obsessed with marriage, they are obsessed with avoiding their *imagined* abandonment.  And the demand of marriage is just one of the ways they might try to beat their problem.  Only they think the problem is with us (i.e. we keep abandoning them), when the problem is really with them (i.e., they keep imagining that we will abandon them).

Best wishes,

Schwing

[jfrdl]

Thanks your reply. It really seems to make a lot of sense. I think the must troubling aspect of the breakup was the confusion that came with it. I feel like breakups in normal relationships are more straightforward. I can't be with you for x,y, and z and therefore I am leaving you. It might be painful, but at least, usually, everything made sense. Not, I love you so much, but you might leave me again so I'm going to marry this guy I told you was a rebound and don't even like.  I think I just have to accept that I will never be able to logically reconcile everything that's happened or happening, and that I was trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.

[jfrdl]

*Just an update

Got charmed last night, 9 text messages and 3 phone calls within a 1 hour period. It's weird that I wanted to hear from her, and yet when I got the messages, I realized that isn't how love/respect works and how I have very little interest in replying. For everyone reading this and struggling, find someone who loves you for you, not someone that just wants to control you.