Should I divorce my (BPD) wife

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Have been married to a BPD three and a half years. I was not aware of BPD prior to this relationship, it has been nothing but what I can describe as pure hell. I have thought about divorce for 3 years, I guess that I keep holding out for hope that my sweet girl that I fell in love with will someday come back to me. 

[amicrazy123]

Have been married to a BPD three and a half years. I was not aware of BPD prior to this relationship, it has been nothing but what I can describe as pure hell. I have thought about divorce for 3 years, I guess that I keep holding out for hope that my sweet girl that I fell in love with will someday come back to me. 

[Mutt]

Hi amicrazy123, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. No one can tell you what to do, we're here to listen to your thoughts and offer you advice on whatever you choose to decide. I can relate with feelings of ambivalence when I was married to my pwBPD, I was also waiting 7.5 years for that person that I initially met to resurface. I didn't realize at the time that she was idealizing me and that she is actually both people, the person that idealizes and devaluates too. I want to ask you if you have kids together?

[MrRight]

Hi amicrazy123, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. No one can tell you what to do, we're here to listen to your thoughts and offer you advice on whatever you choose to decide. I can relate with feelings of ambivalence when I was married to my pwBPD, I was also waiting 7.5 years for that person that I initially met to resurface. I didn't realize at the time that she was idealizing me and that she is actually both people, the person that idealizes and devaluates too. I want to ask you if you have kids together?

great question, strange how many posters post an intro and dont mention whether they have kids or not. it's sort of relevant

[amicrazy123]

No there are no children in the marriage and I am so grateful. 

[MrRight]

No there are no children in the marriage and I am so grateful. 

then make 100% certain there never will be. use condoms every time.

when you are totally fed up - you can just walk away.

[ArleighBurke]

There are many resources on this site to help try to make your marriage better. They do work, but they work by making YOU emotionally stronger, more resilent, more understanding. SHE won't change (although as you manage to "deal with her" more effectively she will probably outburst less). At her core, she will probably always be the way she is. (You havn't described her behaviours, but i'm guessing you've read other people's posts and can identify.) It's up to you to decide whether you can or want to try to make this marriage work.

I will also say that if you decide to stay and work on yourself, your efforts will be rewarded whether your marriage lasts or not. The skills, self reflection, self development and understanding I achieved in the 4 years I worked on my marriage didn't save it in the end, but I believe I am a MUCH better person and MUCH better equipped for my next relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey amicrazy, Welcome!  I echo Mutt: we can't tell you what to do, but we can help you find the right path for YOU.  Many of us have been down this road -- marriage to a pwBPD -- before you.  To answer your question, No, You're not crazy.  What makes you think that your W has BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.  Married 3.5 years, with 3.0 years of hell, sounds discouraging.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?

LuckyJim

[HopefulDad]

You don't need to make a decision to stay or divorce right this moment, so take the time you need to learn about BPD and what is likely in store for you moving forward.  Knowledge really is power.

[misterblister]

Go with your gut, your core truth, that little (or big) voice that keeps chirping. Not having kids is priceless in this situation.

[amicrazy123]

I would like to thank all of you for your comments. I am sorry for not giving more information at first, I have never posted on anything like this before.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Response:  LuckyJim     Some of her behaviors are accusing me of multiple affairs with women that I don't even know. Severe Jealousy she was actually jealous over my Dog setting in my lap. I have found her cutting herself. She binge eats all the time. She cant keep a job she will be good for couple of months and then someone is picking on her and O the DRAMA! Depression and suicidal behavior. Major anxiety. Intense mood swings it can go from something very minor to all out pissed in seconds. She has the abandonment issues and yes she has experience with that when she was a kid her dad left them then Mom dropped them with family for a year or better. She has a rocky relationship with everyone that she is either friends with or family. She is paranoid about everything she studies every little word I say how I say it I have to be very careful how I word my sentences when I am talking to her and everyone is out to get her or leave her. There is a History of sexual abuse when she was child along with neglect and rape later in her teens by family member. When we have had a fight (argument) she will like zone out it is like no one is home she don't respond to stimulation such as patting on arm or waiving hand in front of eyes, talking loudly no response at all, and no eye movement either. I will ask her about it later and she says either it didn't happen or she don't remember not sure if this is a way to get attention or if she is really having a break down of reality. She loves attention of any kind good or bad. We have visited couples therapist and the therapist thought with the symptoms that BPD was the issue, but never diagnosed. The therapist is trained to do the Dialectical therapy that was one reason I called her. The therapist was very concerned after about 6 sessions she thinks it would be good to leave and divorce. I don't believe that she came by that answer easily she is a Christian Therapist and most Christians don't believe in divorce only if there is cheating or abandonment. But the therapist was very real with me about what she saw in the relationship and what her fears were about my wife and her condition. I think that what it really comes down to is I don't want to break up our marriage I want that woman I fell for I am so deeply in love with. On the other hand I feel like she is just using me to make her a living so she don't have to work. I don't feel loved I have no emotional support I have no real relationship and to tell you the truth it feels like I am a parent not a husband.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, amicrazy123, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  From what you describe, her symptoms seem consistent with BPD, though we can't diagnose anyone, which is best left to professionals.  From what you are saying, you want the "sweet girl" you fell in love with back, right?  Sad to say, that person was probably more of an illusion than reality.  Self-care is usually the first step.  What are you doing to take care of yourself?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim