Thank You For Your Help

[monkey80]

Hi

My brother has BPD. We were exceptionally close and I managed most of his emotional turmoil with ease, then I became codependent and it all went to hell in a handbasket quickly.  I started getting upset and annoyed by his emotional roller coasters, which previously we have worked through usually with me apologizing or approaching him first.  This time its very different. I was pissed amd upset to the point of breaking down emotionally I went to see a therapist who indicated it sounds like he is BPD and probed me on my codependency issues.

Long story short he stopped talking to me for months, and physically ran away from me whenever we were present in the same room. When talking to others he refused to refer to me by my name, which was hurtful. Silent treatment can be so hurtful. He erased my phone number.

When I tried talking with him, he refused to speak, I asked him do you even want me around anymore and he said he doesnt know and then bolted. I

 got so annoyed with all this childish behabior I was fake angry when we spoke last just to see if he would snap out of it. Bad move.  He ran away from work, sent me a picture of a bicycle and told me he was having a mental breakdown and that he was running away, that it was better to be cold and distant to me than to hurt me, that he wasn't worthy of me, and being really simultaneously rude to me and yet vulernable and open with his feelings. He told me font worry im just getting out to relax and enjoy himself, after leaving clients hanging in the wind and me to clean up the mess.  Talk about mixed signals and me being confused... .he went from great guy to complete a-hole over this period. I've gone thru all the stages of griwf. and cried miserably and helplessly when I came to terms with his mental illness.

He took off one week to recuperate and told everyone it was a back problem, but he knows I know the truth. I left him a note which I resorted to lately because he won't speak which said I've tried everything I can to make this work. Please take time to work on yourself and recuperating. I left for a business trip. Several days later I ask him how he is feeling, and he says much better and sends me pictures and seems OK. I go NC for a few days, he writes me to say (using my name which was important to me) that he got my note 5 days earlier and still needed time. Who the hell knows what that means. A few days go by and I write to him telling him I hope he is doing well, and that he takes his time recovering, and that I miss him. He wrote back again thanking me for encouragement and goodnight.  That was four days ago.

Apparently at work and with everyone else he is spunky and energetic and loving and kind, but with me I'm getting silent treatment or mixed messages that I can't decipher. So I've decided on NC until he reaches out again himself. When I get back home after 3 weeks and there is still no contact from him, I'm not sure what to do. Write him a letter and cut him off for good, or just pretend everything is OK? He seems to went to pretend all is OK, but its not and I'm not going to live in ambiguous hell for much longer.

I've been tested and tested time and time again, and truly the best thing for me is probably to move on cleanly and finally.

Do BPD folks gave remorse, do they know they have damaged or destroyed relationships, is it his shame that drives him away from just me, because I know him better than anybody else?

What a confusing hell hole to be in, and I am seeing a therapist to work thru my own issues. So hurt and confused and down. Some days I feel OK with NC and happy not to have to deal with him and others feel like I wish I knew how to repair things... .

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Monkey80! 

Welcome to our online family! I am glad that you are reaching out for help. You will find a lot of listening and caring hearts here.

I am very sorry for the hurt your heart is going through right now. I can only imagine the feelings of grief you are trying to muddle through. He is your brother, and what you describe sounds like the breakup of a relationship between two people who care about one another a lot.

What do you hope for in the end? Do you wish for restoration but with some distance? Do you wish for things to go back towards where they were but with healthier aspects?

It is good that you are seeing a T as that will help you to sort through a lot. This journey is not one to attempt on your own. I've found that as I invest time in T as well to heal from the effects of an uBPDm, it is worth the investment of time to help me become whole. My T frequently reminds me that anger is a cover for other feelings. Are you able to think about and define what other feelings you may be having?

Some members here have gone LC or NC with their BPD loved one. I was LC without even realizing it for many years since my uBPDm lived many states away. I instinctively knew enough to not call her very often and that it would be detrimental to me and who I was to move to be with her which was what she continually asked for. That was all before I ever knew about BPD. It was healthier for me. Do you and your brother live near each other?

A hug for you! 
Wools