BPD Partner Split - learning not to blame yourself

[stamusic]

My girlfriend on Monday has completely painted me black in this split and today I'm finding it difficult not taking it personally. I have learnt a lot over the past few months about BPD, communication ect, yet still, as a human being, I'm taking this personal as she has now deleted my number and blocked me on all social media, and saying she doesn't want to work things out. This is the second time this has happened, last time the 'split' lasting 4 weeks, and I am taking it better than the first time, but just having a low day with the situation.

Any tips on learning how to not blame myself for the split?

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[Rosey87]

Hey Starmusic, I'm new here too. Recently my gf/ex has been diagnosed with BPD. It sucks and I've been painted black in her split as of it happening, extremely so.

Some days are good and some days are bad in my understanding of my own and ithers situations. The best advice I could probably give you, and mind you I'm new at this, is take care of yourself. I put so much into our relationship and it was amazing. But, for something like this to happen all of a sudden makes you feel like, "What did I do wrong?" "Why is this happening to me?" You don't know how many times I pray to God out loud or in my head asking him to fix this situation, or maybe you do.

Work on you and don't bother with her for now. Just wish for a good outcome. I have started therapy and it has helped me immensely. Many of us have to understand from what I've heard, we did nothing wrong. Some situations I caused but, they were in the past and thrown back in my face.

Do you. The best possible way you can.

[stamusic]

Hey Starmusic, I'm new here too. Recently my gf/ex has been diagnosed with BPD. It sucks and I've been painted black in her split as of it happening, extremely so.

Some days are good and some days are bad in my understanding of my own and ithers situations. The best advice I could probably give you, and mind you I'm new at this, is take care of yourself. I put so much into our relationship and it was amazing. But, for something like this to happen all of a sudden makes you feel like, "What did I do wrong?" "Why is this happening to me?" You don't know how many times I pray to God out loud or in my head asking him to fix this situation, or maybe you do.

Work on you and don't bother with her for now. Just wish for a good outcome. I have started therapy and it has helped me immensely. Many of us have to understand from what I've heard, we did nothing wrong. Some situations I caused but, they were in the past and thrown back in my face.

Do you. The best possible way you can.

Hey Rosey,
It's no doubt a really tough position to be in, though it's good we do have people to talk to so we feel less alone.
When being split black, I've learnt all we can do is wait, for as long as it takes and for as long as they need. Then when they do reach out, play it cool and wait for them to open up.

It's for sure the best idea for us as the BPD partner to have regular councelling in which to keep our feet on the ground and stay strong. I have also arranged for myself to begin therapy this coming Tuesday for these reasons and also to help with my own depression which I feel has become worse from the stress of my loved one. But I can overcome this and be much stronger for her - since when I do express my emotions, she tends to push away, which I feel has also triggered her to split this second time.

I'm excited for the councelling and my gut feels good about the future of my relationship, but for now just missing her and feel hurt for the pain she is going through at this moment. 

[Rosey87]

Therapy has helped me immensely. My gf of three years just recently got this, if I didn't mention before and you're right, all we can do is wait. It still sucks. I was with this person every single day and night, were planning our future together then, BAM! A tidal wave of the likes I've never seen or felt before of emotion has hit me through all of this. I'm getting better everyday due to helping myself. I hope you start the same and talk about everything with your therapist. Things can get better, I sincerely believe they will. All it takes is time and the willingness.

[stamusic]

Therapy has helped me immensely. My gf of three years just recently got this, if I didn't mention before and you're right, all we can do is wait. It still sucks. I was with this person every single day and night, were planning our future together then, BAM! A tidal wave of the likes I've never seen or felt before of emotion has hit me through all of this. I'm getting better everyday due to helping myself. I hope you start the same and talk about everything with your therapist. Things can get better, I sincerely believe they will. All it takes is time and the willingness.

Exactlyyyy. I've only been with my girlfriend for a year now, but for the whole year it was also amazing, planning our future ect, then suddenly it feels like a big slap in the face . But I agree, helping ourselves and therapy will go such a long way. If I may ask, what kind of things do you talk to your therapist about when it comes to the relationship? I of course plan on opening up to them about this, but unsure where to begin.

[Emotions]

I was going on 5 days no contact... .I texted her this morning and have not heard back. I regret texting because it has made me feel more empty and reminded me that she doesn't want to text back for whatever reasons. In the past few days I still wanted to reach out to her,  but I didn't have the thoughts of why this and why that. I was beginning to get some self respect and self control, but I back tracked today. Hopefully I will stay strong in the future, so that I can become healthy enough for myself, and for whatever obstacles life brings me. Peace love and virtue to everyone going through what I a man going through

[Rosey87]

No problem. I tell her things that I felt I did wrong in the relationship and how it may have been my fault. I talk about how things were, where we wanted them to go, my feelings and what I've heard her post through mutual friends on Facebook.
She blames me for her split.

She feels I broke her.

Our arguments we had in the relationship, which were actually very minimal to none at all. In fact, the only argument we had that was really bad was a month or so before her diagnoses where she hit me.

The verbal attacks I endured.

How I would explode sometimes and take it out on inanimate objects. I threw our shower rod one time because I couldn't get the liner on properly. That type of behavior was due to extreme stress I endured through work.

I try to talk about everything. I try to pin point exact moments or memories that help me see the criteria of her illness, and my devotion to her.

We always said we would love each other always and forever. Now she says, never and, "I'm so much happier without him." to my mother.

My therapist has explained that I was under a lot of stress and anxiety, due to other factors outside of the relationship. My behavior was not out of the ordinary.

We had a miscarriage last year and we never talked about it. I ask if that could be a reason for splitting. Lay everything out on the table and don't hold back. Usually, the thing that you don't want to talk about is primarily the thing you have to talk about.

Talk about your days with her and what you guys did. We always made time for each other. I took her out and bought her whatever she wanted. If I couldn't, I'd get it later on down the road. I put her first in many aspects and it never bothered me. We who deal with this type of disorder and the people it's attached to tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves in the beginning. When she wants to talk to me, I'm setting up boundaries and limits for myself. I want us both to go to therapy together and learn.

Talk about everything, even if she would take up the whole bed in the middle of the night, talk about it.

[stamusic]

No problem. I tell her things that I felt I did wrong in the relationship and how it may have been my fault. I talk about how things were, where we wanted them to go, my feelings and what I've heard her post through mutual friends on Facebook.
She blames me for her split.

She feels I broke her.

Our arguments we had in the relationship, which were actually very minimal to none at all. In fact, the only argument we had that was really bad was a month or so before her diagnoses where she hit me.

The verbal attacks I endured.

How I would explode sometimes and take it out on inanimate objects. I threw our shower rod one time because I couldn't get the liner on properly. That type of behavior was due to extreme stress I endured through work.

I try to talk about everything. I try to pin point exact moments or memories that help me see the criteria of her illness, and my devotion to her.

We always said we would love each other always and forever. Now she says, never and, "I'm so much happier without him." to my mother.

My therapist has explained that I was under a lot of stress and anxiety, due to other factors outside of the relationship. My behavior was not out of the ordinary.

We had a miscarriage last year and we never talked about it. I ask if that could be a reason for splitting. Lay everything out on the table and don't hold back. Usually, the thing that you don't want to talk about is primarily the thing you have to talk about.

Talk about your days with her and what you guys did. We always made time for each other. I took her out and bought her whatever she wanted. If I couldn't, I'd get it later on down the road. I put her first in many aspects and it never bothered me. We who deal with this type of disorder and the people it's attached to tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves in the beginning. When she wants to talk to me, I'm setting up boundaries and limits for myself. I want us both to go to therapy together and learn.

Talk about everything, even if she would take up the whole bed in the middle of the night, talk about it.

Thank you so much, helps a lot.
I find that me personally, I do struggle so much opening up to people, bottle it all up, then eventually explode. I struggled growing up without my father being around which also caused me to have the fear of being abandoned - which of course, being with a BPD partner who of course deals with this at a much high level, causes stress and also the splitting on her part.

I am looking forward to these new changes and being able to face my fears, open up and lay everything out on the table. It's only good from here, with us individually and with our BPD partners.

When I have been painted black, I feel so so much empathy and even more love for my partner and missing her, but also go through moments of anger, sadness, doubt for the relationship. How do you feel in the period you have been pushed away?

[Rosey87]

In the beginning I felt extreme confusion and denial, almost like I was living in a parallel reality. What you have to understand on my part is, we had lived together and then moved into a house with her sisters. I'll cut to the chase, there were drugs in the house (marijuana, psychedelics) and her sisters would invite their friends to party every night. All in all it got to be too much and I snapped. Her sisters didn't want me to come back so she freaked out the night of the break up. Saying, "We can't see each other ever again." "We can't talk anymore." "You're bad."
All of this humdrum nonsense that made no sense whatsoever.
She didn't want to see me or even text me back after many futile attempts. During this time I began anger and frustration. Those were the main feelings I felt at that time. Why? After three years would one simple outburst lead our relationship here?

After those attempts I began being painted black not knowing of a diagnosis yet. She told everyone that I sexually assaulted her, raped her, drugged her, videotaped them and put them on the dark web, abused her and controlled her, cut her off from her family and friends.

I felt fear then. I didn't know if a SWAT team was gonna end up on my front lawn or bang down my door at any moment to arrest me on false allegations. I talked to her father and he told me she was saying these things and acting very manic. He told me he was on it and that he got her back home. He got her in a treatment facility and I thought everything was gonna be like it was when she got out. Boy was I wrong, and when it rains it pours.

She called my mom saying that I was doing crack and heroin, she's so much happier that she's not with me, she'll NEVER get back together with me so on and so forth. Later she felt the need to hack my social media and paint me black to all my friends. That was a hard week. It was during that time I took all of my feelings and found I can't care anymore about this situation. I do but, I try to hide it. I try not to talk about it as much over and over and over again with my family and friends who will listen to me anymore.

When the hack happened I learned she had BPD. I started educating myself and watching as many documentaries and YouTube videos that I could in a day that my state of being awake would allow me.

I have lost myself in the research and at moments I forget about her, which makes me sad as well.

Listen, I would step in front of a moving train, bus, truck or bullet for this woman, and I'm sure you would do the same for yours, but you have to also take care of yourself. I barely ate for weeks when this happened, contemplated suicide, cried to God, begged to wake up from this nightmare, all the things a normal break up would entail.

But, researching this disorder and realizing that this is not due to something I caused in the relationship, because I was a badass boyfriend. I did everything and anything. I did everything for her and her family. I'm still sad, but knowing she has a disorder that pushed me away makes me feel... .hopeful. There are times when I feel, well, maybe she won't come back, but I don't let that deter me.

If there was love in your relationship, it's always worth fighting for. No matter how screwed up a person is, there is always an equally qualified person who wants to deal with it. And I would deal with her and this disorder.

Time doesn't stop though. Life goes on. Make a routine for your everyday and a plan for when she wants to talk.

You will go through a bunch of emotions. Happy and sad. It's gonna suck. It's gonna suck so much. It has for me anyway.
Sorry that I rambled, I hope some of this helped anyway.

[stamusic]

So sorry you've had to go through all of this and really hope you and your partner will soon be able to sit down just the two of you and talk everything, with no family involved.
I have noticed that once the pwBPD gets an idea or feel of rejection from you, then that triggers them and sets them off to being completely split black and make all the false reasons up in their head as a way of convincing themselves they do not want to be with you - but usually this always backfires and they see the light/truth.

The first split I had with my parter lasted just over a month, and like you I was completely wrecked - had no appetite, lost so much weight, drank to cover my feelings and smoked like a chimney. But I also did so much research, so much as if I was doing a university degree course on the topic.
My only big tip and something that has helped me a bunch, is to not get too soaked into the research. Purely because with all the stuff I read, I began getting even more paranoid and more angry/upset with her, thinking my girlfriend is probably sleeping around and ___ing about me to all her family - these can be traits of some BPD's but every single BPD person is different with their own characteristics.
When I did get back together with my partner, she said she could never ever cheat on me or even think about cheating, the thought of someone else made her sick, and that she felt nothing but guilt and sadness the whole time apart, also saying she wore the necklace I gave her every single day never taking it off. This shows that the things our pwBPD are saying are things she doesn't WANT to say - remember your partner DOES NOT WANT to have this disorder. It's like, do people want to be depressed? Of course not, but they can't help their negative feelings and thoughts. BPD's just happen to express their feelings in a way that makes it more personal and hurtful towards us.

Just understand who your partner is and their characteristics and learn to cope with the splitting black by understanding she doesn't mean the things she's saying or want to be doing what she's doing - it's all most likely a test. Everything my partner does, she feels horrible guilt and says she likes to test people. She probably has the biggest heart and most definitely loves you - so learn your partners ways, and go from there. Take it easy on the research... Of course check in every now and then, but mostly focus on yourself.

[Rosey87]

Thank you very much friend. I feel it is not her and she does not mean the things she says. It sometimes feels so unreal. Knowing that we were together every day and that we had been in worse situations than this one, but this is the one that messed everything up. I know she loves me, like you know yours loves you. It's hard to deal with. It almost feels like I'm dealing with her death. Nothing you can do about it, just playing the waiting game. I think her one sister may have BPD as well. She encourages the accusations and has thrown them in my face as well. Extreme feminist type as well.

I'm trying to not do so much research on this disorder. Feeling like I can find a cure or fix her brain overnight if I look and think hard enough.

I sincerely hope she sees the light and truth you wrote about soon. I don't think she can really hold a grudge for too long. She always has been a forgive and forget type before all of this.

It's been over two months now since the split, from what I estimate. I need to learn her ways and understand her behavior. If I could of known about it before, I would of done things differently. Would of, could of, should of mentality I guess. It'll all be good when we talk, but I need to talk to her family as well when the time is right and if it happens. I'm pretty sure it will.

Thank you for the insight bud, I genuinely appreciate it.

[stamusic]

The time will come round, that's for sure. Like your partner too, mine also finds it difficult to hold onto grudges for too long. Sure she's in the 'see nothing but hate' stage at the moment, but it will pass. When it does pass, it may feel strange and it will be difficult as she goes back to how things were as if nothing happened... I found this hard after the first break up, and it ate me up, and later came out again a month later... Which is why I'm yet again in the painted black stage.

I'm saying this to myself and to you, but you MUST learn how to be tough as nails, man. You're gonna wanna talk about what happened, ask why she said what she said, did she mean it ect ect and sure if you ask the right way, you'll have amazing insight and learn for the next time. And it will still feel as if you don't have enough answers, even though she's opened up as much as she feels comfortable with. We're never ever going to be able to 'cure' them - our role is to support and be their rock, and give them that little bit of motivation (without pushing) to get better.
This is also why I'm happy for you and myself that we are going through therapy as this will really really strengthen ourselves for us personally and most definitely for our pwBPD - because right now, they need nothing more than someone strong and can handle all the sh*t that is to come... good and bad  

Hope this helps.

Stay tough, we got this!

[once removed]

its incredibly difficult not to take these things personally. rationalizing a disorder is of only so much comfort. i can tell you her actions are about her internal struggle. i can also tell you that this its relatively likely she will regret her overreaction. none of that means it doesnt hurt.

blaming yourself however, for her cutting you off, wont get you very far.

you sounded grounded, self aware, and aware of your feelings at the moment and ive watched you come a long way with a lot to show for it; waiting her out is not your only option here. i encourage you to build your future, for you. if your future rests on her push/pull, things can remain stagnant.