taking things personal

[tangomurete]

i've been reading a lot of posts that say not to take things personal when a pwBPD goes into a rage, but i've found it really hard not to.  i grew up with low self esteem and my self confidence was pretty much non-existent.  i've spent the last several years building that up and i finally got to a place where i am happy with myself.  but lately it's been a bit difficult.  when my bfBPD goes into a rage, he does everything he possibly can to make me feel as small as possible.  i feel like i've reverted back to that little girl.  he'll often show me old photos of myself and tell me i'm the same person and haven't changed.  there are times i get grossed out by even looking at myself in a mirror.  then there are these elaborate lies he makes up about me, that i think he's starting to believe himself (that's another story for another day).  i guess what i'm asking, is how does one separate themselves from the hurtful things that the pwBPD is saying and not take them personal?  how does one not let those insecurities resurface when the pwBPD is raging?

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[JoeBPD81]

That is an excellent question. One which many of us struggle with. For many of us, if we didn't understand first hand what is to have low self esteem, we wouldn't have understood and liked the PWBPD that we love.
The thing is, we have to be the grown-ups here, we have to take charge. You know, a mother hears a thousand times "I hate you!", then she makes a face and answers "too bad, you still have to eat your vegetables". The kid hates the vegetables, and not being able to do what he wants, reacts to the situation and the feeling, and reacts by attacking the closest target.  The more you understand and interiorize this, the more you'll be able to avoid it affecting you. And even analyze it to make something about it. As in, what is he reacting to, really?
This tales time, after 3 years of relationship, and one more of friendship, and 4 months knowing about BPD, I am beginning to feel not so bad when that happens. The way I react, it also makes the "tantrums" shorter. But there's not a magic trick, it takes time of practicing the tools, and listening and knowing your partner. Also, it requires a leap of faith. Faith that it will pass, and that it is only "a nightmare", that is not really what he thinks, you are not really making him feel that way. If things don't escalate, he'll be able to tell you later.
My gf tells me that his ex, a total narcissist,  whenever she was angry, he didn't care at all... .Looks highly invalidating, but it defused the situation.  They don't want to stay angry, and above all, they don't want to do things that make them ashamed on top of angry. I can't laugh, it still affects me a lot, but I'm sensing a change. If I feel bad about it, it doesn't stay long.

[stamusic]

I agree with Joe also. I'm currently in the 'split black' mode for the second time with my pwBPD and this time round it doesn't hurt as much, purely because I have a better understanding for the disorder. The first time she broke up with me, she kept saying she doesn't feel the same for me anymore, that I should move on, kept talking to me as if I'm her pal, that I'm wasting my time hanging around ect ect. At that time it WRECKED me - like drinking during the day, feeling sorry for myself kind of wrecked.
Once we got back together again, she opened up - which is where the relief all comes out. Telling me she wore the necklace I bought her every single day we were apart, missed me beyond belief, and most importantly... She told me the whole thing was a test. I mean sure, I'd rather sit through my entire high school years of tests than go through that again, but it still gives you that 'ah ha' moment.

This second time round, she's saying her and I are done for good and that she doesn't want to work things out. Of course, my heart sinks for a moment but I keep the conversation short and respect her wishes and keep myself busy with my own personal life.

UNDERSTANDING the disorder and knowing everything your pwBPD is doing is a test and that they don't want to be doing this helps loads. It is an illness... They can't help it. I just keep reminding myself this every time she says something that hurts.
Give them all the space in the world, wait for them to contact you and when they do... again, keep it short, sweet and respect everything they say.
It's just waiting for them to miss you, that's all. It'll happen soon and it's never all personal.

[Shane87]

As previously stated, understanding the disorder helps significantly.  I love the analogy of dealing with a defiant child at the dinner table.  My sweetheart is similar to a young child in many ways: 
1.  Undeveloped ability to manage emotions.
2.  Saying hurtful things and making accusations because she is unable to comprehend more productive ways of getting what she wants.
3.  Viewing the world in an overwhelmingly egocentric perspective.
4.  Unable to grasp causality in relation to her own behavior.

Recognizing this really helps me both understand where she is coming from and temper the impact of her behavior towards me.

[tangomurete]

thank you for all the advise!  it's super helpful.  i've been reading up on it, but i just wanted to get an idea on how others deal with it    he is one of the most loving people, but when he gets into a rage he can say some incredibly painful things.

[Tattered Heart]

HI tango,

One thing that can help you not take it so personal is to not be there when he rages. What if when he starts to rage, you just say, "I don't want to be yelled at" and left the house until he calms down. He can continue to rage all he wants, but you don't have to take it.

[tangomurete]

One thing that can help you not take it so personal is to not be there when he rages. What if when he starts to rage, you just say, "I don't want to be yelled at" and left the house until he calms down. He can continue to rage all he wants, but you don't have to take it.

that would be great aside from the fact that we're doing a long distance thing at the moment.  so he just continues to text, call, and leave nasty messages.

[tangomurete]

The thing is, we have to be the grown-ups here, we have to take charge. You know, a mother hears a thousand times "I hate you!", then she makes a face and answers "too bad, you still have to eat your vegetables". The kid hates the vegetables, and not being able to do what he wants, reacts to the situation and the feeling, and reacts by attacking the closest target.  The more you understand and interiorize this, the more you'll be able to avoid it affecting you. And even analyze it to make something about it. As in, what is he reacting to, really? ... .Faith that it will pass, and that it is only "a nightmare", that is not really what he thinks, you are not really making him feel that way. If things don't escalate, he'll be able to tell you later.

this really helped me out today.  he started in a rage last night because i got annoyed at something he was saying and ignored him for a split second so i wouldn't say something nasty. he said sorry after a few hours, thought it was going to be a short one. he brought it up again this morning and i guess i said something wrong.  think it's going to be a long one!  but i took your advice and i'm treating his accusations and his words more like a child saying, "i hate you," to his parents over and over again.  still hurts, but not as much as much as it used to.  granted, this is the first time i'm using the technique.  i tried to empathize and validate his behavior, but it's gotten bad.  now i'm just letting him continue to say what he wants and not reacting to it.  it's hard, really hard.  i've commented back a few times, but it's hard not to try to defend yourself.  he keeps calling me and got angry that i was on the phone with my father (said i was on the other line) and not answering his calls.  his texts are getting worse, he's angry cause i "can never talk" when he's like this, and he's threatening to break up with me.  i've told him i'll start talking to him when he calms down.  trying not to reward the negative behavior if you will.  am doing the right thing?  although one day i'm worried that it will be over and he's not just using it as leverage.

[Aesir]

This seems familiar.