Need help in my relationship with my wife

[smart_storm26]

Hey everyone,

I am new to this forum and I can already see that this is a wonderful place. My wife has BPD and I often face many of the typical challenges that come with BPD like jealousy, extreme mood swings, immature behavior etc. However apart from the BPD factor in our relationship, I also feel I am not handling certain things correctly from my side.

Sometimes she gets angry or disturbed when I say something and reacts beyond normal which I know is a well known trait of this disorder. However I am also wondering if I am doing something to trigger her reactions. I am the 'rescuer' kind of person and I often try to fix someone's problems especially the one I am in a relationship with. In fact if the person I am in a relationship with talks to me about some problem she is going through, my first unconscious response will lead to try to fix her problem. I know this is probably unhealthy and am working on myself. I am writing all this to make sure that I work on my issues as well before blaming her solely for her BPD.

Currently my wife (we are newly married) is staying with my mother and I am currently staying in a different city for 4 months because of a job requirement. She is facing issues with my mother. Actually my mother is very possessive about me and is having difficulty trying to accept a new person in the house which I am sure is creating difficulties for her. However she being very emotionally vulnerable, is getting more affected by my mother's behavior. As per what my wife told me, my mother told her certain things which I agree my mother should not have said. But I am also having doubts that she might be exaggerating them or in some cases lying to me. Do Borderlines have a tendency to lie or exaggerate facts? She definitely does not enjoy staying there with my mother. I am saying so because I feel shocked my mother has said those things. I never thought my mother could behave in such way however my mother has some issues and is not always flawless. What my wife describes, how do I react if I am not sure she is speaking the truth and I am not able to believe her completely?

I told my wife that if my mother is saying something unfair to her, she can speak up and tell her that she is getting hurt. But my wife has told me she can't do that. She is not able to speak up and tell her that its hurting her. I have told her that in that case let me talk to my mother but she has requested me not to talk to her about these issues. She says she doesn't want to spoil the relationship with my mom. So my question is what can I do here for her without trying to be the so called 'rescuer' or 'fixer'? My wife is not speaking up for herself and telling my mother what hurts her. She is not letting me speak to my mother about it. But then every other day she calls me and vents out on what bad things my mother did to her. While describing she often uses language like 'The kind of evil person she is... .she gets pleasure doing these things to me'... .such language hurts me. If I tell her not to use such language, she gets hurt and thinks I am taking my mother's side which is not true. The last night our conversation went like this

She spoke about some activity she had to do in my house which she did not like doing but did it anyways to avoid any uncomfortable situation. I told her if she doesn't feel comfortable doing this activity, she can tell so. In response she said 'I am nobody in this house. Nothing will help if I say. Will she change if I tell her?' I said you have never spoken up to her as to what is hurting you. How do you know? She told me 'I tried to make her understand these things indirectly'. I told her 'Like what?' Then she got angry with me and told me 'You always try to justify things. You always take your mother's side. I dont want to talk to you' and hung up

I have no idea right now if I did something wrong or she is being immature. Can someone help?

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,  smart_storm26,

this is a common situation, and your reaction is normal and expected. Doesn't mean that it will work, but it doesn't mean you did anything wrong either. Bottom line, you do what works, so if something that seems fair and rational doesn't work, it makes no sense to keep doing it.

You have to really try to not think in terms of wrong, or blame, even truth or lies.

Aside from reality, we need to take into account the perception of reality. Also, the distorsion in comunication. If you fix what she is talking about, you are not fixing what is really happening, so you are doing, well, nothing. She is upset, she is reacting to being upset, and feeling powerless. She doesn't want you to fix the cause, she wants to stop being upset, and that you recognize that she has nothing to do (if that's what she is telling you). You listen... .And then you ask a version of "do you want me to do something about it?" If she says no, you just have to listen, your work is done, listen and validate her feelings and her experience. Don't say she is right, or fair, just adknowledge that she is upset, and she is having that experience.

She is not lying when she tells you things about your mother that are not true. What? Her perception is her reality, specially with things that trigger strong feelings. Maybe deep down she knows she's not relating to you the facts, but only the facts don't express how bad she is feeling, so what you hear is a mixture of facts and what she is experiencing. It's completely true for her, in that moment. She just needs you to understand what she is feeling.

I'm not her, and I'm not borderline, but I can sense you are not believing her, she feels that multiplied for a thousand, and that upsets her more. Upseting thoughts grow like mushrooms: "he doesn't believe me - he doesn't trust me - he doesn't love me - he thinks I'm bonkers - I am bonkers - I can't be trusted - I am ahamed of myself - no one can love me... ." And all that in half a minute. When the thoughts turn dangerously painful, a defense mechanism jumps in and can change them for "he's an a-hole!" and she hangs up on you.  If you are not aware of the explosion of feelings and thoughts inside her mind, you are left out with "what the H happened here?"

When she returns to base line, she will know that your mother is not evil, you already know that, so it's not your job to change her mind right then, when she is upset. It's not your job to fix it, nor to tell her what to do. You already know that doesn't work. So stop taking the road that is a dead end.

I'm guessing you don't have the power or the means to change the living arrangements, if you could, you would already have done it. So every one involved has to accept how things are. And make the best of it. You can adknowledge this is not ideal, and be sorry that is causes pain and trouble, but you can't cange it and you hope you go through it.

You are trying to do too much, I believe. Good luck!

[Roma]

Hi smart_storm, I don't know if I can say anything to help. but I can certainly identify with a lot of aspects of what you describe.
I've been with my partner, living separately, but meeting at weekends for 8 years now and at various times he has developed huge greivances against: a couple of my closest friends, my nephew and nephew's wife, my brother-in-law and my lodgers. In each case they have obviously triggered something in him resulting in an "emotional dysregulation" episode, as I now believe it is called, something he does with me fairly frequently. The complaints against whichever person are never conveyed directly to them, only complained about to me. The additional factor here is that I seem to be expected to join in a complete condemnation of this person, or risk being accused of taking their side. I know that their reality is different from his and they have had no intention of upsetting him, but in my partner's world they are evil bad people who only want to hurt him or split us up. I find this really painful as I don't want to say things I don't believe to be true just to make him feel better and I don't want to be bad mouthing someone I also love. I sometimes have a feeling that this and other situations are his way of testing me. I wonder if your wife is experiencing abandonment issues if you aren't with her, even for absolutely understandable reasons, and these conversations are an expression of that? I don't want to do too much interpreting what may be going on for you and your wife, but, if I understand what you are saying, I can empathise with that feeling stuck in a very difficult position between her and your mother. It seems as Significant Others we are the first port of call and maybe its more about reassurance, than wanting to have an argument with the other person supposedly at fault. As your other replier noted, it's not necessarily lies although its almost certainly exaggeration of objective facts although they seem very real to the pwBPD.
I hope some of that at least helps you to feel someone else understands a little. This is all very new to me as well. Although we've been together for a while and he's had various anxiety/depression/ocd diagnoses, and not an official BPD diagnosis, I recognise so much on this site and am just starting to see how the techniques work, whatever the official diagnosis may or may not be.

[ArleighBurke]

As said - don't try to fix.

Women, and especially BPD women, need you to listen without fixing. The conversation technique is called Validation. Look here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0  Lessons 1.10, 1.11 and 1.12

When she is describing a situation to you, the "problem" is not the situation she's describing - the "problem" is THE WAY SHE FEELS. That is what you need to be talking about. As a man it feels stupid - pointless - but she needs you to HEAR what she is feeling and VALIDATE what she is feeling. That's all. She probably knows how to fix the situation, or she doesn't care to fix the situation, but either way if she WANTS your input she will ask specifically.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi smart,

I've seen this so often. My H hates it when I am honest and direct with people. To him, he thinks I am being "weak" or "mean" by expressing what I want or need from another person. I realized this recently after he blew up at me for being honest with someone.

He has no way of expressing himself in an authentic way. His only ways of communicating are either blowing up, getting angry, avoiding, or being passive aggressive. None of these are healthy and so direct honestly scares him. It's odd though because if, like your wife, he was just honest with people who hurt him, then he would resolve situations much easier and with way less drama.

For your wife I would suggest first trying to validate what she is feeling. Then maybe try to lead her to a healthy solution. That might be very difficult. When I try to lead my H to a solution that would be good for him and for all involved, he cannot comprehend having those conversations. Sometimes he will get to the point where he agrees he should say the right thing, but he never does. Just getting to that point helps diffuse things though.

[smart_storm26]

Thank you everyone for your replies, specially Joe's