I am having a very difficult time with my BPD sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I am having a very difficult time with my BPD sister (we're both in our thirties and she's 3 years younger than me). For decades, I walked on eggshells around her, and was always the one to apologize for anything I had done "wrong." The basic pattern was -- she would get irrationally angry about something I did/said, lash out at me, and I would apologize simply because I just wanted to appease her anger and for her not to be mad at me. We were very close, though, and we always relied on each other for support, especially because our childhood was abusive/traumatic. (My dad, a single father, was BPD, and for my entire childhood, I was either the most perfect person in the world or just the worst daughter ever. I developed severe anxiety/perfectionism from this. He largely ignored my sister, though, because he knew I was easier to manipulate.)

Anyway, a few years ago, my sister moved out to the east coast (where I live) because she wanted to live near me, and she wanted her three kids to grow up near me and my kids. I was really happy that she wanted to live nearby, and for awhile it was great -- she made it clear that other than her husband/kids, I was the most important/valuable person in her life, and she was so happy that our kids would grow up together, etc.

Now the thing is, while I loved having her nearby, I also value time alone, my hobbies, friends, etc. While she never said anything explicitly at first, I think she expected that we would spend nearly all of our spare time together. I was thinking more along the lines of seeing each other once a week or so. Again, though, we never had an explicit conversation about expectations (which may have been a mistake in retrospect), but eventually, she just exploded and started saying all of this stuff about how I never loved her, and I've never supported her, and she loves me more than I love her, and I've always been the favorite child in the family, etc. For the first time in my life, I didn't back down and apologize to her, because everything she said was so untrue and hurtful that I felt like I had to defend myself. Having someone I love so dearly tell me that "I don't love her" was so incredibly hurtful, so I just kept trying to fight back, telling her how much I love her, etc.

I tried for months to reason with her, to tell her how much I cared about her, and actually pointed to examples of things I had done for her in the past (to show her how my actions had demonstrated my love for her, etc.), but she managed to twist everything I said to fit the narrative she had constructed in her mind. She ended up moving away, and we barely talk anymore. When we do talk, she takes absolutely no interest in my life, feelings, or anything. I've been totally knocked off the pedestal she had me on for years, and now I am just the worst sister/person in the world. She acts as though having a relationship with me is some kind of favor she's doing, like she's being the bigger person by keeping me in her life after "all that I've done to her," even though it's completely the opposite. (Most everyone I know has encouraged me to stop having any contact with her because of how toxic/cruel she's been to me.) But I continue to reach out to her, regardless of how strained things are between us, because the idea of being completely estranged just devastates me.

I am having such a hard time, and have no idea what to do. I've read about the idea of "medium chill," but it makes me so sad to think about having a relationship that's so superficial, when we had been so close in the past. Right now I'm stuck in the mindset that I can change her, that I can help her see how irrational she's been, etc. I know, logically, though, that this is untrue. I'm also going through a huge amount of self-loathing, thinking that maybe she's right -- maybe I just didn't spend enough time with her or adequately show her how I much I love her. So much of this comes from the fact that as a kid I was constantly trying to appease my BPD dad and be the perfect daughter so that he would approve of me, not lash out, etc., and it left me kind of unable to attend to my own feelings. So feeling now like I've let my sister down and that she hates me is just so difficult, because I have a really hard time if anyone -- especially someone I love -- disapproves of me. And, because I truly love her so much, I'm heartbroken that we don't live near each other anymore, and that our kids won't grow up together.

I would love any advice or help. I've been going through 2 years of sorrow at the fact that our relationship has become so broken, and it just feels like endlessly grieving something that I've lost. But the idea of cutting off all contact just doesn't work for me.

Other than this issue with my sister, my life is absolutely wonderful -- amazing husband, kids, job, hobbies, etc. How can I come to terms with what is happening with my sister and still enjoy my wonderful life?

Thank you so much for any possible guidance or support!

[needhelpwithsis]

Hi everyone,

I am having a very difficult time with my BPD sister (we're both in our thirties and she's 3 years younger than me). For decades, I walked on eggshells around her, and was always the one to apologize for anything I had done "wrong." The basic pattern was -- she would get irrationally angry about something I did/said, lash out at me, and I would apologize simply because I just wanted to appease her anger and for her not to be mad at me. We were very close, though, and we always relied on each other for support, especially because our childhood was abusive/traumatic. (My dad, a single father, was BPD, and for my entire childhood, I was either the most perfect person in the world or just the worst daughter ever. I developed severe anxiety/perfectionism from this. He largely ignored my sister, though, because he knew I was easier to manipulate.)

Anyway, a few years ago, my sister moved out to the east coast (where I live) because she wanted to live near me, and she wanted her three kids to grow up near me and my kids. I was really happy that she wanted to live nearby, and for awhile it was great -- she made it clear that other than her husband/kids, I was the most important/valuable person in her life, and she was so happy that our kids would grow up together, etc.

Now the thing is, while I loved having her nearby, I also value time alone, my hobbies, friends, etc. While she never said anything explicitly at first, I think she expected that we would spend nearly all of our spare time together. I was thinking more along the lines of seeing each other once a week or so. Again, though, we never had an explicit conversation about expectations (which may have been a mistake in retrospect), but eventually, she just exploded and started saying all of this stuff about how I never loved her, and I've never supported her, and she loves me more than I love her, and I've always been the favorite child in the family, etc. For the first time in my life, I didn't back down and apologize to her, because everything she said was so untrue and hurtful that I felt like I had to defend myself. Having someone I love so dearly tell me that "I don't love her" was so incredibly hurtful, so I just kept trying to fight back, telling her how much I love her, etc.

I tried for months to reason with her, to tell her how much I cared about her, and actually pointed to examples of things I had done for her in the past (to show her how my actions had demonstrated my love for her, etc.), but she managed to twist everything I said to fit the narrative she had constructed in her mind. She ended up moving away, and we barely talk anymore. When we do talk, she takes absolutely no interest in my life, feelings, or anything. I've been totally knocked off the pedestal she had me on for years, and now I am just the worst sister/person in the world. She acts as though having a relationship with me is some kind of favor she's doing, like she's being the bigger person by keeping me in her life after "all that I've done to her," even though it's completely the opposite. (Most everyone I know has encouraged me to stop having any contact with her because of how toxic/cruel she's been to me.) But I continue to reach out to her, regardless of how strained things are between us, because the idea of being completely estranged just devastates me.

I am having such a hard time, and have no idea what to do. I've read about the idea of "medium chill," but it makes me so sad to think about having a relationship that's so superficial, when we had been so close in the past. Right now I'm stuck in the mindset that I can change her, that I can help her see how irrational she's been, etc. I know, logically, though, that this is untrue. I'm also going through a huge amount of self-loathing, thinking that maybe she's right -- maybe I just didn't spend enough time with her or adequately show her how I much I love her. So much of this comes from the fact that as a kid I was constantly trying to appease my BPD dad and be the perfect daughter so that he would approve of me, not lash out, etc., and it left me kind of unable to attend to my own feelings. So feeling now like I've let my sister down and that she hates me is just so difficult, because I have a really hard time if anyone -- especially someone I love -- disapproves of me. And, because I truly love her so much, I'm heartbroken that we don't live near each other anymore, and that our kids won't grow up together.

I would love any advice or help. I've been going through 2 years of sorrow at the fact that our relationship has become so broken, and it just feels like endlessly grieving something that I've lost. But the idea of cutting off all contact just doesn't work for me.

Other than this issue with my sister, my life is absolutely wonderful -- amazing husband, kids, job, hobbies, etc. How can I come to terms with what is happening with my sister and still enjoy my wonderful life?

Thank you so much for any possible guidance or support!

[ciaocaramia]

Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for the incredible grief you have been feeling as a result loss of your relationship with your sister and being misunderstood by her. All I can say is, you are not alone. I, too, have grieved unspeakable weight of sadness since the relationship with my brothers has become nearly non-existent since I established boundaries with my BPD mother. I have spent years crying from deep, deep places of grief, like they had died. It's not just the loss of contact, it is accepting that this is who they are. If they were capable of being truly loving brothers who loved unconditionally they would reach out to me, express empathy, ask how I am doing, show me support in life. Because of BPD in our family they aren't able to do that. I've had to let go of the idea that I will ever have a relationship with my brothers that is like I thought it was. I thought and used to tell people that we were "so close". It was complete unawareness that I deserved so much better and I was therefore better off without them seated in the place of the closest relationships in my life. Those places should be reserved for people who treat me far better. Those are the people who deserve to hear my heart, my shame, my dreams. Not people who spit endless criticism, point out every flaw, who say nothing at all, birthdays and accomplishments go unnoticed... .I could go on and on. That's what I grieve - that this is who they are. What's hard about that is, it means I may never have the sibling relationship I want and I will have to face the fact that to some degree I have to venture out in life alone to find a new "family". Thanks for letting me share. 

[needhelpwithsis]

Oh my gosh, yes! Exactly! It feels like an endless grieving process, because the person is still alive, so in a way, there's no closure. And since we've been so conditioned to put the BPD person's needs ahead of our own, we feel incredible guilt for not constantly rescuing or taking care of the person. Even though I know logically that I've been a good sister, she's managed to convince me that I'm horrible, that I treated her poorly, that I wasn't there for her, etc. And being the people pleaser that I was raised to be, it's just devastating to hear this from someone I love so much. I feel so jealous when I see siblings with functional relationships, partly because I feel like I've been a really good sister, and the only one who doesn't see that is her. I feel like, man, if I only had a "normal" person as my sibling, we could be so incredibly close, because I want to have that kind of wonderful bond that only siblings can share. And you're absolutely right -- I feel like I'm grieving the fact that she is who she is, and that she's probably not capable of having a functional, close relationship with anyone.

Do you have any advice for how you've dealt with this with your brothers/mom?

[ciaocaramia]

Oh my gosh, yes! Exactly! It feels like an endless grieving process, because the person is still alive, so in a way, there's no closure. And since we've been so conditioned to put the BPD person's needs ahead of our own, we feel incredible guilt for not constantly rescuing or taking care of the person. Even though I know logically that I've been a good sister, she's managed to convince me that I'm horrible, that I treated her poorly, that I wasn't there for her, etc. And being the people pleaser that I was raised to be, it's just devastating to hear this from someone I love so much. I feel so jealous when I see siblings with functional relationships, partly because I feel like I've been a really good sister, and the only one who doesn't see that is her. I feel like, man, if I only had a "normal" person as my sibling, we could be so incredibly close, because I want to have that kind of wonderful bond that only siblings can share. And you're absolutely right -- I feel like I'm grieving the fact that she is who she is, and that she's probably not capable of having a functional, close relationship with anyone.

Do you have any advice for how you've dealt with this with your brothers/mom?

I am so sorry to hear how this has affected you as well. Those who are your own flesh and blood have a very powerful way of telling you "who you are" even if it isn't true. It is mind boggling to try to sort out what is true and what is not, especially when those who know you the best know your flaws and they can play them up. To answer your question, I know that I can't tell you what to do or offer you advice, and I can only share my own experience and what I have learned on my journey. Things I have learned so far (I have much further to go) is to educate myself on the symptoms and effects of BPD so I can at least intellectually know what is me and what isn't. Second, I have learned that most people will not understand what I am talking about and will likely trigger more pain than I can emotionally handle with casual "just get over it" type judgment statements when I tell them I am NC or LC with my own flesh and blood. Third, I have learned to never, ever try to explain that my mother is BPD or to point out her behaviors that have hurt me to my mother, brothers, or my aunts. It is a way of trying to control and fix the situation by minimizing my pain while also seeking their validation and empathy. They are in denial, they are in their own roles in the family system, and they certainly have zero capacity to express empathy. After 7 years of walking into that trap time and again, I have finally accepted that I am on my own. I am completely incapable of changing them or making them see and it is completely unhealthy of me to invite this kind of person into the closest places of my life to being with. So, I have stopped having emotional conversations with them and accepted we will simply have to enjoy being in the same room - for as much as I can handle, because even then she will manipulate. Which brings me to my last point, the best thing I can do for me and for my whole family system is to get my own help - learn how to manage my triggers and maintain my serenity in and out of their presence. So, I'm in a support group and I see a personal counselor. I hope hearing my story encourages you in some way and inspires you to seek out your own path to healing, whatever that might look like for you!

[mirabell23]

Wow, I could have written your post I am going through such a similar story with my sister who is currently not speaking to me for over the last 6 months as I too finally stopped walking on egg shells and confronted her to set some boundaries.

I wish I could say it turned out well but so far nothing I have attempted has worked, from continuing to send messages to her kids and attempting to speak to her husband about it who enables her behaviour. Do you have a good relationship with your brother in law, could you perhaps ask his counsel? I am looking at getting outside mediation assistance in to see whether that could be a helpful solution, although knowing my sister this may just even antagonise her more. So other than letting her have the cooling off period of god knows how long Im stuck for ideas too.

Its so difficult dealing with this personality type, so irrational and nothing seems to make sense.

I wish you luck and hope you get a breakthrough

[needhelpwithsis]

Interesting that your brother-in-law enables your sister's behavior. Same here. Back when my sister and I were still really close, my brother-and-law and I were super close too, and in fact, he would frequent talk to me to get advice about how to deal with my sister's rage issues. We would always kind of joke about constantly walking on eggshells and not wanting to trigger her anger, not really knowing at the time that she was BPD. But once my sister cut me out of her life, my brother-in-law followed suit, because I honestly think he's terrified of her. So basically, when I was still in her good graces, I was part of her inner circle -- one of the people she cared deeply for. Now that I am cut off (knocked off the pedestal so to speak), she takes virtually no interest whatsoever in my life. Our relationship has become entirely superficial, which is kind of as painful to me as having no contact at all. I don't know. I'm at a loss.

I'm really curious to see whether you get some kind of third-party mediator/counselor involved. I've thought about suggesting group counseling to my sister, but I think it could end up going really badly. Right now I'm trying to focus on really accepting the fact that I can't change her. (Which is really tough to do, since I'm her big sister and have been used to rescuing/comforting her her entire life.) Thanks so much for your input and support.

[needhelpwithsis]

@ciaocaramia: Thank you so much for your message. It is so hard to accept the fact that we can't change them, isn't it? Especially if we've been trained all our lives to help them, be people pleasers, etc. Now that you've been able to really accept that fact, do you find that you feel less anxious/more at peace? I'm really hoping to be able to get to that point. For so long I put my sister's feelings/emotions before mine, so the idea of focusing on my own healing, feelings, etc., seems really selfish to me, even though logically I know it is the right thing to do.

[Pilpel]

It's so difficult dealing with the "expectations" of someone with a personality disorder.  That's been one of the most challenging with my SIL.  I've also been in that position of thinking, "I guess it's my fault for not being more explicit in outlining my vision for how something was going to be."  You're relationship with your sister sounds a little different, in that you enjoy spending time with her.  Ultimately, the fact that the expectations of your relationship don't align, it's not your fault.  I know with my SIL, how she wants things to be at any given time becomes the rule of how things should be.  It doesn't matter if the way she treats everyone else by a different rule compared to how she expects to be treated.

[mirabell23]

If I do get the mediation I'll let you know how it goes. Has your sister ever alienated anyone else or just you? Mine has previously done it to friends and acquaintances but not family until me, guessing as Ive said my piece in the letter that she clearly doesn't like it. Like yours my BIL is totally terrified of her and its now easier for him to shut me out.

It sound like your situation is as bad as no contact, before my sister shut me out she was similar not really interested in me and our relationship was totally superficial which is what I was hoping to change. Its like if you confront them you're doomed and if you don't you continue to walk on egg shells and live a superficial existence. In all honesty if it weren't for my nieces and nephews who I care about I would probably give the relationship with my sister a wide berth for now, even though it sucks to say that.

Have you seen a psychologist about it? thats another thing Im thinking of trying to get some tools or advice on how communicate with someone like this and maybe have a look at some of the ways I trigger her behaviour.

[wanderhorse189]

Third, I have learned to never, ever try to explain that my mother is BPD or to point out her behaviors that have hurt me to my mother, brothers, or my aunts. It is a way of trying to control and fix the situation by minimizing my pain while also seeking their validation and empathy. They are in denial, they are in their own roles in the family system, and they certainly have zero capacity to express empathy. After 7 years of walking into that trap time and again, I have finally accepted that I am on my own. I am completely incapable of changing them or making them see and it is completely unhealthy of me to invite this kind of person into the closest places of my life to being with. So, I have stopped having emotional conversations with them and accepted we will simply have to enjoy being in the same room - for as much as I can handle, because even then she will manipulate. Which brings me to my last point, the best thing I can do for me and for my whole family system is to get my own help - learn how to manage my triggers and maintain my serenity in and out of their presence. So, I'm in a support group and I see a personal counselor. I hope hearing my story encourages you in some way and inspires you to seek out your own path to healing, whatever that might look like for you!

I very much identify with this. I am new here and recently discovered that my sister is most likely a BPD. She has severed relationship with me 6 months ago over something completely irrational and recently tried to provoke me when I stupidly confronted her on her distorted reality. I told my mother about my discovery but my mother is trying to sweep all the past drama that our family had faced (the frequent emotional outbursts out of nowhere that sent my parents, sisters, and even cousins reeling in confusion, the fits of intense jealousy whenever she learnt that my parents had done anything for the other sisters, the dissociation and complete amnesia over her abusive behavior, the wild accusations and distortions of reality) under the rug. When my mother asked me to keep quiet for the time being, I realized that I am on my own (I do not think my father will take well the news that one of his daughters has a mental disorder... .he is now 81 yrs old and takes weaknesses in the family very much personally... .so much that it would not be a good idea for him to know... .although he is aware that my sister is abnormal or "sick"; my other sisters have other issues to deal with in their own lives... .). I may try to discuss this over with my eldest sister at some point, but for now, I am glad to have found a "family" here.