Third break up

[CTF93133]

Hello,
   I am/was in a relationship with a woman I feel has BPD traits.  She broke up with me in March (Ghosted me when I went on a short notice unplanned visit with my kids out of state, then finally contacted me several weeks later to return some belongings and gave ame a note "letting me go."

   This is the third break up, which seems to always coincide when I have my kids for extended periods or I go to visit.  I have always included her and her children when mine are home to visit, and the last lengthy visit, there was alot of interaction that went well.  She is 46, divorced with two older children from the marriage and a 5 year old with no father in the picture, other than me in the past two years.  A role I embraced and went all in on since last fall.

   When we met, she was getting her life together, embarking on a teaching career, but s not aggressively job searched and is unwilling to leave her family support, who is also financially supporting her.  weve been on-off for the past 2.5 years.

    Thins most recent breakup may be final, but I have doubts.  I wrote to her when she kept contacting me, and told her not to contact me unless she truly wanted to apologize, and would seek counselling to figure outr why she keeps breaking up with me and being abusive to me and her 5 year old daughter, who I love lie my my own.  The child even asked me if I could be her dad. 

   So I know the balls in her court, and I have to stick to the boundry/condition of therapy for getting back together.  I would appreciate and insight or advice, in case she does reach out to me again.  PS:  I know I have some codependency issues and am in a helping/rescuing profession.

C

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other here. We have been in a similar situation to you, and from what you've aid I think you belong here; you'll fit in.

I'm curious why you think that you have to stick to your "boundary" about her getting therapy before you'll work on salvaging the relationship?

Getting support in these types of situations and learning new ways to look at them can be a great benefit. How do you think that we can best support you?

What kind of traits does she exhibit that make you think that she has BPD?

Learn all you can about BPD. There are workshops on the boards that give some good practical pointers on how to deal with communication, rages, etc.  The articles are also very informative and can help you learn to minimize the behaviur of someone with BPD.

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstanced similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

[CTF93133]

]I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other here. We have been in a similar situation to you, and from what you've aid I think you belong here; you'll fit in.

I'm curious why you think that you have to stick to your "boundary" about her getting therapy before you'll work on salvaging the relationship?

Getting support in these types of situations and learning new ways to look at them can be a great benefit. How do you think that we can best support you?

What kind of traits does she exhibit that make you think that she has BPD?

Learn all you can about BPD. There are workshops on the boards that give some good practical pointers on how to deal with communication, rages, etc.  The articles are also very informative and can help you learn to minimize the behaviur of someone with BPD.

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstanced similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself."

Hi, thanks for the reply!  Were still broken up, so It's likely that its permanent.  Im in a better place but still find myself wishing she'd reach out to me.  Of course for me to enter into a relationship again, I would hope that she would be open to seeeking help.

  Why do I think she has traits of BPD?  Well, the repeated splitting and subsequent charming for one.  theres been at least one a year.  She has acknowleged before that the problem is with her.  here are some other reasons I feel this way:
   1. Each time she split up with me, she entered into a relationship of some sort with someone else.  
   2. Her marriage previously to me ended due to an affair where she becaame pregnant. (The child I came to care for)
   3. while she had a careeer before her marriage, she has a lack of work constancy... .has changed directions repeatedly.  currently, she has been unemployed since December and living in a 300,000 home being supported by her parents (Shes 46 now).
   4.  at the start of our relationship, the lovebombing/grooming was intense, cooking for me constantly, off the chart sex, etc.  My belief is she was trying to become pregnant, as protected sex ended up being sporadic and always had to be insisted on by me.  
   5. She was obsessed with working out and had a drinking issue as well.  I got sucked into the drinking with her, but I could never keep up with her, she had a very high tolerance.
   6.  She seems unconcerned about finding gainful employment, and only applies for prestigious or high paying positions.  Other opportunities are beneath her

  I hope to get more insight from this websight, to avoid enterimng relationships like this again.  Having said that, I do hold out hope for her, and if she were to reach out, I would try and have a relationship with her and her family.  I Hope this site can help with that.  FYI, I have been seeing a therapist myself, to cope with this breakup.