why can I stop obsessing and caring about what he believes?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Its been almost 2 blissful months of NC (with a protection order to get him to stop) but I still cant stop obsessing over worrying about what he believes the break-up was about and all the untrue things he actually believes about me.  I tried so hard to end and still be friends, I never wanted to hurt him and just wanted him to stop hurting me.  

I know he doesnt believe he did any thing wrong and that I "went crazy" and everything was just me overreacting when it was just straight up psychological abuse he was dishing out all the time, mostly driven by extreme jealousy (all completely unwarranted except in his own imagination) and his desire to control me, which when he couldnt he would flip out.  There was literally no one he didnt think I was sleeping with, right down to the grocery store bag boy (he "could just tell"... .). Thats not just a thing he says, he really believes that! He also 110% believes that I ended the r/s because I was having an affair with his T and we were working together (with his x) to get him to kill himself!  I dont even know his T or his x!  In the end he just wouldnt let that go, it went on for months and I couldnt take the endless false accusations and threats if I didnt 'come clean' about what he 'knew'anymore, even as a friend because he "still valued the f/s so so much... .". (?why would you want to be friends with someone you believed did something that horrible?).

I also keep obsessing about what believes happened in the end and how he mostly feels that everything about what I said and did was a lie and never loved him (4 years!) and that I was cold and hurtful in the end when I wasnt.  I begged him over and over for peace and to be kind to one another.  But I know his reality only sees that one day it was good and the next I just turned into a completely different, cold, and cruel person (actually that was him!).  I just dont know how to reconcile that?  I hate that he believes that about me. Its so painful to know that he will always believe that and tells everyone that, including any replacement who will hate me to the core for what he tells her.  Awful.  

I just want to let it go but I cant stop.

[Crushedbyac]

Its been almost 2 blissful months of NC (with a protection order to get him to stop) but I still cant stop obsessing over worrying about what he believes the break-up was about and all the untrue things he actually believes about me.  I tried so hard to end and still be friends, I never wanted to hurt him and just wanted him to stop hurting me.  

I know he doesnt believe he did any thing wrong and that I "went crazy" and everything was just me overreacting when it was just straight up psychological abuse he was dishing out all the time, mostly driven by extreme jealousy (all completely unwarranted except in his own imagination) and his desire to control me, which when he couldnt he would flip out.  There was literally no one he didnt think I was sleeping with, right down to the grocery store bag boy (he "could just tell"... .). Thats not just a thing he says, he really believes that! He also 110% believes that I ended the r/s because I was having an affair with his T and we were working together (with his x) to get him to kill himself!  I dont even know his T or his x!  In the end he just wouldnt let that go, it went on for months and I couldnt take the endless false accusations and threats if I didnt 'come clean' about what he 'knew'anymore, even as a friend because he "still valued the f/s so so much... .". (?why would you want to be friends with someone you believed did something that horrible?).

I also keep obsessing about what believes happened in the end and how he mostly feels that everything about what I said and did was a lie and never loved him (4 years!) and that I was cold and hurtful in the end when I wasnt.  I begged him over and over for peace and to be kind to one another.  But I know his reality only sees that one day it was good and the next I just turned into a completely different, cold, and cruel person (actually that was him!).  I just dont know how to reconcile that?  I hate that he believes that about me. Its so painful to know that he will always believe that and tells everyone that, including any replacement who will hate me to the core for what he tells her.  Awful.  

I just want to let it go but I cant stop.

[roberto516]

 I just dont know how to reconcile that?  I hate that he believes that about me. Its so painful to know that he will always believe that and tells everyone that, including any replacement who will hate me to the core for what he tells her.  Awful.  

I just want to let it go but I cant stop.

My first real relationship with someone who had BPD ended this way. Her step-dad, who was one of my best friends, apparently said (This is what she told me the last time we ever spoke 5 years ago) "You (meaning my replacement) are so much better than him. He was really crazy.

It hurt a lot. Really, really, a lot. But what do I think about that now? 5 years ago? I could care less. Now with the recent one I do care what others think about me. She's probably using my anger and words I said to justify to others I was crazy. But I know I won't care eventually.

Do you think you'd get any closure from your ex? If not, there are ways to let it go although it's soo tough. I know where you are right now, and I feel for you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Crushed, You can't control what he believes about you or the b/u, so I suggest you let it go.  That you have a protection order is a great boundary.  You could say that you need the same for your emotions.  You have more control over your thoughts than you think.  Suggest you acknowledge it to yourself when you notice that you are obsessing about him, then move on to more positive thoughts.  Just observe your thoughts and note that you are obsessing.  Then focus on something uplifting.

LuckyJim

[vanx]

Thanks for asking this, because I struggle with similar things. You care for rational reasons, because you were in a relationship with person and his opinions matter to you. Think of the goal not as getting over his opinions a much as getting your own self and opinions back. It is painful and difficult to learn to love yourself all over or perhaps even truly for the first time.
Get positive for yourself, not for him or for anyone else. I believe that the biggest error is not whatever he accused you of, but the way you may continue to hurt yourself. It is not about fixing a relationship that was not to be. It is about what can be. Bring the positive into your life. You are worth it.
My ex blamed me for everything too and said I was overreacting.