Moments of Grief

[Tattered Heart]

It's been a rough week. My H has been up and down each day. His boss had a talk with him about some things he fell behind on and it's caused him to dysregulate daily, mostly about work.

I'm going through grief right now though. I'm so sad as I think of all the things I give up to be with him.

I have a H that I cannot share my own hurts and emotions with because he gets mad at me for having feelings that don't match his.

I have a limited social life because he doesn't like to go into crowds or around more than a few people at a time. I have girlfriends that I hang with but people have stopped inviting us to family get togethers because he always says no. We bought a huge property and we both had plans to entertain, but every time I talk about having a BBQ or dinner he says no because this or that needs fixed or we aren't ready, etc.

I cannot share my spiritual and religious thoughts with him because it leads to him going off about church and Christians. He has decided to stop going to church with me. When I ask him to pray or read the Bible with me he makes excuses.[/li][/list]

I can't share with him things are important or interesting to me because he will either tell me he isn't interested or use them against me later when he is mad.

Every now and then I just have to go through this. I think it's a part of the radical acceptance process. I have to mourn for the things I may never have. Once I get through it, I get better clarity into how to better care for myself but it's quite an emotional journey to get there. I don't require a lot of emotional support from him. I've always been pretty independent in figuring my own junk out, but sometimes I just need that from someone else when i'm feeling vulnerable, unsure, or scared.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Grey Kitty]

Every now and then I just have to go through this. I think it's a part of the radical acceptance process. I have to mourn for the things I may never have. Once I get through it, I get better clarity into how to better care for myself but it's quite an emotional journey to get there. I don't require a lot of emotional support from him. I've always been pretty independent in figuring my own junk out, but sometimes I just need that from someone else when i'm feeling vulnerable, unsure, or scared.

  This grief is also because there are things you really need, things you really want that you cannot get from him.

You want emotional intimacy, and your H doesn't have that capacity.

You want social interaction, including big crowds of people, and your H doesn't.

You want to share your spiritual journey with somebody who is interested in it, and your H deflects, avoids, or goes off about church and Christians.

These are all real, and they all matter. You are accepting that you cannot get these things from your husband. Time to look for them elsewhere.

The first one--emotional support and intimacy is a bit tough--if you get this with somebody else, you are skating around the edges of an emotional affair. You CAN do it anyway, but there are risks to doing this you need to watch out for. (Not just that your H may blow up at you over it)

I don't see any risks in the others (besides your H getting upset).

You could join a bible study group, or find other ways to become active in your church. No ambiguity or problem there.

You could make it a point to spend time with your girlfriends.

You could reach out to the family members who stopped inviting the two of you to family events, and ask them to please let you know about them in the future--While your H may not want to attend, you really want to. And tell your H you will be going to family events, he's welcome to join you, or welcome to stay home, and that won't stop you either way.

[Tattered Heart]

I do quite a few of these things. I have a scheduled girls night every month and also get together with friends for coffee. I'm very involved in our church. I lead women's bible studies a couple times a year and am a part of leadership over an area. He is over getting mad about these things because they have just become a part of life that I would not give up.

I won't get emotionally involved with another man. I"m married and that would be wrong of me to do so. Even if nothing happens an emotional affair is still an affair. I talk a lot to God and to myself when I'm in the car. THis is where I work out what I need to work out. If it's really bad I just find somewhere quiet to go sit. My T taught me a meditation that gets me to "talk" to my inner parts to determine what I need and what is causing feelings of confusion, anger, depression, etc. It's really amazing how it works.

The premise is that my real self is like a teacher who has lost control of the classroom. I have all these parts (strong emotions) running around hijacking my class. In the meditation I ask them what they need and then we work out a way to resolve it so that I can honor myself. Works like a charm. By the time I'm done with the meditation I have a plan in place for whatever is bothering me and I gave attention to the strong emotion so it's not trying to rule me anymore. I had never heard of therapy like this before but it was the best experience I've ever had.

[Grey Kitty]

He is over getting mad about these things because they have just become a part of life that I would not give up.

If you choose to start participating in family events (even if your H doesn't want to attend), he will get over being mad about that too.

Is that something you want to do?

I won't get emotionally involved with another man. I"m married and that would be wrong of me to do so. Even if nothing happens an emotional affair is still an affair.

I'm absolutely not suggesting you do something you believe is wrong... .and while I do believe that there is "safe" territory near the danger zone you are absolutely avoiding, I'm not even suggesting you take the risks of getting any where near a murky grey area.

I'm still thinking that a friendship where you can share your hurts and emotions with somebody who would care, somebody who would be supportive is possible. Building that kind of emotional intimacy and trust does take time, but it is possible. Since you won't do it with another man, what about your girlfriends?

Can they fulfill that need for you? Or if you put some time, energy, and vulnerability into one or two of them, do you think they might step up like that?

[Tattered Heart]

If you choose to start participating in family events (even if your H doesn't want to attend), he will get over being mad about that too.

Is that something you want to do?

I used to do this. I fell away from it because it just wasn't worth the fight. At this point though, I do need to get back to making this a priority.

[halcyon]

 

I suppose I am lucky (counting my blessings).  My partner has no issues with intimacy; in fact she is constantly "over-worried" about my state of mind.  If I am unhappy, she tries too hard to "fix it" and ends up getting frustrated when she can't.  (Because, of course, no one can "fix" another person's unhappiness).

I can relate to the feeling of "isolation" you're describing though.  She doesn't like ANYONE except me, basically.  She has driven away many of my friends by being hostile towards them in the past (particularly when she wasn't in treatment).  And she definitely gets irritable for what seems like no reason.

I have found that journaling helps me more than anything else.  When I sit down to write, I am usually feeling angry towards her... .by the time I am done writing, I feel nothing but compassion and empathy for BOTH of us.  I think that's because- when I am feeling anger, resentment, or frustration, I have become "enmeshed" with her.  Our emotions have become tangled up like bad wiring.  But once I sit down in a quiet spot and write everything out, the emotions are untangled.  I am able to look at my OWN emotions as MINE and hers as HERS.  Once I am able to do that, everything seems to fall in place without much further work.

I guess that is a form of radical acceptance.  I have to radically accept that I am NOT responsible for her emotions and she is NOT responsible for mine.  There is a lot of freedom that comes with that acceptance.

And if all else fails, you have us here.  I know it helps me a great deal to sit and read the stories others have to tell.  It makes me feel much less alone in this.  Hope it does that for you too.

[Tattered Heart]

I have found that journaling helps me more than anything else.  When I sit down to write, I am usually feeling angry towards her... .by the time I am done writing, I feel nothing but compassion and empathy for BOTH of us.  I think that's because- when I am feeling anger, resentment, or frustration, I have become "enmeshed" with her.  Our emotions have become tangled up like bad wiring.  But once I sit down in a quiet spot and write everything out, the emotions are untangled.  I am able to look at my OWN emotions as MINE and hers as HERS.  Once I am able to do that, everything seems to fall in place without much further work.

And if all else fails, you have us here.  I know it helps me a great deal to sit and read the stories others have to tell.  It makes me feel much less alone in this.  Hope it does that for you too.

That is great that you've found this outlet to help you. I am the same. I think in living with someone with BPD I fail to express myself and getting it down on paper or even sharing it with someone else helps work out the kinks. THank you for your kind words. This board is a lifeline at times. I am doing much better this week.