First post

[Peacefromwithin]

Hi,

I have a mother and siblings with BPD/NPD and a dad with NPD. I am VLC with all of them. Recently I've been in contact with them a few times, and I didn't handle it as well as I should have. I kept the phone calls too long and I emailed them when I shouldn't have. It's not that I mean to not listen to my therapist; it's more that I am so programmed to jump when they say jump. I'm getting much better, especially keeping VLC, but I should have done better.

I've been feeling depressed and I absolutely hate feeling this way. My therapist says to "feel your feelings" but I am frustrated because I do not understand how to feel my feelings. If someone can share with me how to get out of this depressed state and how to feel my feelings, I'd appreciate it very much. Thanks in advance.

The self-doubt is insidious and I do not understand how to break it already and stop listening to their messages in my soul. I want my life back but I don't know how to get it back. I feel so unmotivated and I can't seem to push myself.

[Peacefromwithin]

Anyone who can help give me tools and tips for how to feel my feelings? I've spent a lifetime of not being allowed to have my own feelings and catering to my parents' feelings and I don't know how to do this.

[ciaocaramia]

I understand the knee jerk reaction to respond. For me, it is as if you see a clear opportunity to finally speak truth and set the record straight. That's the trap. I've learned the three C's : "you didn't cause it. you can't control it. you can't change it." When you stop trying to, and you have all this time on your hands, you turn the focus on what you can do to get better only. It's just you and your higher power/support network. That is a scary place to be at first... .it's so quiet and all you hear at first is the tape of accusations in your mind about how what you're feeling is your fault. Who wants to feel your feelings when to come close to them is to come close to the idea that you are "wrong" for even having them? Instead of trying to force feeling feelings, I have learned I need to:

1. Seek others stories who have the same struggles as me for validation of my feelings.
2. Read literature that affirms my worth and my human rights.
3. Get out in nature to ground myself or do something mindful (baking, cleaning, coloring, working out) to get out of my rational part of my brain to the feeling part of my brain. I do this until I've felt enough rest to return to the place where I can sit and receive from my Higher Power without my rational mind berating me. It's the place where you can calmly integrate thought and emotion versus thought/emotion that are PTSD reactions.
4. Then I can share how I feel with my Higher Power, ask questions, read, and then journal freely until I stumble upon what is being said from my HP. That is a process of me writing my feelings out and then being open to receive.

That's what works for me! What doesn't work is talking to people with zero experience with BPD or trying to reason or connect with my family with BPD traits without calming down. That only causes more pain.

[MomMae]

Hello Peacefromwithin,

I read your post and just wanted to respond so that you know that you are being heard with understanding and empathy.  I think that just the fact that you used the name "Peacefromwithin" speaks volumes to your understanding of what is most important in your recovering from the hurt and with future interactions with your family.

I have a brother who is very likely undiagnosed BPD and the whole family caters to him.  He is my mother's favourite and she totally enables him.  I have been pretty close to my mother all my adult life (not so much growing up), but when we do have problems, it is ALWAYS to do with my brother.  Instead of dealing with the elephant in the room, it is always "why am I  being like this. I have been no contact with my brother for almost five years now after I finally stood up for myself (took me 45 years!) when he called me to rage at me at dinner time on my son's birthday.  In those five years, I have reached out to him a number of times to reconcile, let by-gones be by-gones and move on.  One time was even when our dad was in hospital with a major heart attack, and all he wanted to do was rage about how I owe him an apology.  The worst thing about the whole mess with my brother is my mother's reaction to it.  Even though she knows who the problem revolves around she always says "why can't you two reconcile... .I wish you two would just end this... .etc."  When my mother does this, it is infuriating for me, because she places equal blame.  How are you supposed to reconcile with someone who doesn't want to? Has no reason to... .he never suffers consequences for his rages, everyone just tiptoes around him, always has... .

The self-doubt is insidious and I do not understand how to break it already and stop listening to their messages in my soul

Oh my gosh, what an eloquent way to put it.  That is exactly how I felt.  You ARE NOT the person that they try to portray you as.  You are a good person and you do not deserve to feel this way.

I had to finally learn to do what your name says, find peace from within.  I am fortunate that I have a great husband who totally understands my family dynamics.  He was actually a friend of my two brothers as a kid, that's how we met.  It has taken a lot of soul searching, and I too felt like you - unmotivated and depressed.  I thought about my interactions with others outside my family.  No one else viewed me as the unreasonable person that my family has always painted me as.  I was being black-sheeped because I am the only person who has stood up to the elephant in the room (besides one of his daughters, who he also cut off because of that).  This is a trait I should be proud of, not be made to feel bad about as my mother tries to make me.  And now I do feel proud.  I no longer hide the fact from others that my brother and I are estranged... .it is not my fault, so why should I feel ashamed.  It has been surprising how other people have responded with their own troubles when I opened up a little.

You may have to force motivation in yourself.  Make a cup of tea and sit out in the garden.  Take the dog for a walk.  Surround yourself with things that make you feel better - light a scented candle, open the windows.  Read validating books and post here often - knowing that you are not alone or crazy in your reactions helps so much.  Spend time with people who do not try to paint you into the familial role.

All the best to you,  Peacefromwithin.    MM

[Peacefromwithin]

Hello Peacefromwithin,

I read your post and just wanted to respond so that you know that you are being heard with understanding and empathy.  I think that just the fact that you used the name "Peacefromwithin" speaks volumes to your understanding of what is most important in your recovering from the hurt and with future interactions with your family.

Thank you. I appreciate that. :-)

Well actually I have the knowledge that peace is from within, but I absolutely suck at applying it. I don't know what is wrong with me. It frustrates me to no end. I keep letting them win.

I have a brother who is very likely undiagnosed BPD and the whole family caters to him.  He is my mother's favourite and she totally enables him.  I have been pretty close to my mother all my adult life (not so much growing up), but when we do have problems, it is ALWAYS to do with my brother.  Instead of dealing with the elephant in the room, it is always "why am I  being like this. I have been no contact with my brother for almost five years now after I finally stood up for myself (took me 45 years!) when he called me to rage at me at dinner time on my son's birthday.

I am sorry you have to be in this type of family environment. Good for you for standing up for myself to your brother and going no contact. He very likely will not change. Nor will your mother ever see things from a normal perspective, because she sees things only from her own and she likely thinks she is right. Your brother had no right to rage at you at dinner on your son's birthday just because you weren't acting the way he wanted you to act. That sounds like extremely immature, selfish, and self-centered behavior. I hope you said something like, "I will not continue this conversation if this is the way you are going to speak to me." My mother used to rage at me constantly when I was a child/teen, and she never took accountability for it. She blamed it on me or she denied her rage.

In those five years, I have reached out to him a number of times to reconcile, let by-gones be by-gones and move on.  One time was even when our dad was in hospital with a major heart attack, and all he wanted to do was rage about how I owe him an apology.

I give you credit for trying to be the better person. Shame on your brother for raging at you again saying that you owed him an apology. It sounds to me like he is incapable of seeing his own behavior, due to the enabling of your mother.

The worst thing about the whole mess with my brother is my mother's reaction to it.  Even though she knows who the problem revolves around she always says "why can't you two reconcile... .I wish you two would just end this... .etc."  When my mother does this, it is infuriating for me, because she places equal blame.  How are you supposed to reconcile with someone who doesn't want to? Has no reason to... .he never suffers consequences for his rages, everyone just tiptoes around him, always has... .

So that sounds like your mother is completely invalidating your feelings, completely ignoring the fact that your brother rages at you, and just wants you to do what she wants so she can be happy that you two are playing nicey-nice. Ugh.

It is not fair that everyone tiptoes around your brother and that he never suffers consequences for his rages. My BPD sister doesn't rage, but she is extremely harsh, extremely arrogant, and raises her voice and thinks she's holier than thou and that she's always right and everyone else is wrong. She loves to be snarky and embarrass me in front of my husband or others and hides it in a "I'm just joking" kind of way. She even yelled at my grandmother on her death bed. She has no self-awareness whatsoever because there were never consequences. But she's also very confusing because she can be sweet and caring, too, at times. My mother was one but not the other. Anyway it sounds like your brother has zero self-awareness of how he treats people, either. That is a shame.

Oh my gosh, what an eloquent way to put it.  That is exactly how I felt.  You ARE NOT the person that they try to portray you as.  You are a good person and you do not deserve to feel this way.

It's really hard to get this through my thick skull. I had a therapist tell me years ago, "If I lined up people from the east coast to the west coast and told you that you're a good person and don't deserve this [or something like that], you still wouldn't believe it. Yeah I know it has to come from within. But the brainwashing and tapes in my mind just always override and engulf the truth I know about myself. It's an exhausting battle.

I had to finally learn to do what your name says, find peace from within.  I am fortunate that I have a great husband who totally understands my family dynamics.  He was actually a friend of my two brothers as a kid, that's how we met.  It has taken a lot of soul searching, and I too felt like you - unmotivated and depressed.

How did you find peace from within? What helps you?

I also have a great husband who sort of understands the family dynamics, but I don't think he'll ever be able to fully understand them, and that's okay. Some things you have to experience first-hand to understand. Does he find it uncomfortable that he was actually friends with your brothers as a kid, or did he see that behavior when they were friends?

There's nothing worse than being unmotivated and depressed. I feel like I'm just wasting my life.

I thought about my interactions with others outside my family.  No one else viewed me as the unreasonable person that my family has always painted me as.  I was being black-sheeped because I am the only person who has stood up to the elephant in the room (besides one of his daughters, who he also cut off because of that).  This is a trait I should be proud of, not be made to feel bad about as my mother tries to make me.  And now I do feel proud.  I no longer hide the fact from others that my brother and I are estranged... .it is not my fault, so why should I feel ashamed.  It has been surprising how other people have responded with their own troubles when I opened up a little.

I'm not sure about interactions with others outside my family. I know my mother used to bad mouth me constantly for nonsense stuff but I always wished just one adult had the guts to look me in the eye and say to me, "Your mother is so wrong about you." I had a neighbor who came very, very close to saying those words (she said it wrapped up in a very heartfelt compliment) and I hold her words in my heart. I actually facebook messaged her daughter in law who doesn't even know me, to please thank her from me. I doubt they understood the impact her words had on me, but at least I know.

I do try to say that I'm not in contact with my family, but I fear it's going to make people uncomfortable. Sometimes I just skirt around the issue. It makes me anxious. One of my husband's cousin's kept asking me questions about my family innocently but the more anxious I got, the more confused she got. I fear she thinks I was hiding something. I just didn't know how to handle all the questions. How do you tell your husband's family that your family are mentally ill abusive raging people who made your life a living hell and so no, you don't really have contact with them? There's just no way to say it.

You may have to force motivation in yourself.  Make a cup of tea and sit out in the garden.  Take the dog for a walk.  Surround yourself with things that make you feel better - light a scented candle, open the windows.  Read validating books and post here often - knowing that you are not alone or crazy in your reactions helps so much.  Spend time with people who do not try to paint you into the familial role.

I love these very clear simple suggestions, thank you. I did actually read a book today with a cup of tea so that got me out of my head. I used to walk my dog, but I can't seem to do that either these days. I do love music and that helps too. What validating books would you recommend? I am trying to motivate myself to make friends but it's so hard when the family questions come up. Fortunately I have a newish friend who also is from a very abusive, mentally ill parent experience, but it's not always easy to have a friendship made up of two wounded souls.

All the best to you,  Peacefromwithin.    MM

Thank you! You too.  

[Peacefromwithin]

I understand the knee jerk reaction to respond. For me, it is as if you see a clear opportunity to finally speak truth and set the record straight. That's the trap.

Ugh yes "knee jerk reaction to respond". Thanks for putting it so eloquently. I'm going to try to remember that term because my husband and therapist don't get why I email them the second they email me, or pick up the phone the second they call or whatever. It is a knee jerk reaction. Not always, but if I'm not in a good place in the moment, it happens.

Speaking truth and setting the record straight is a fantasy I let go of 20 years ago. It will never happen. I stand in my own truth, but that's all I can do.

I've learned the three C's : "you didn't cause it. you can't control it. you can't change it." When you stop trying to, and you have all this time on your hands, you turn the focus on what you can do to get better only. It's just you and your higher power/support network.

Ah, you must be in a Al-anon or ACoA? :-D Those are wonderful things to remember. How do you allow yourself to focus on what you can do to get better? That's my road block.

That is a scary place to be at first... .it's so quiet and all you hear at first is the tape of accusations in your mind about how what you're feeling is your fault. Who wants to feel your feelings when to come close to them is to come close to the idea that you are "wrong" for even having them?

Yes the tapes are relentless. I can barely stand to meditate because of those damn tapes. I don't even know what I am feeling anymore. I don't know if I ever even knew how I was feeling. I don't say that my feelings are my fault but I spent my entire childhood having my feelings harshly stomped on and crushed in order to be a servant and a slave to my parents and sisters' feelings, like the good little people-pleaser I was trained to be. (I'm not anymore however thanks to my own spiritual program).

Yes I do often feel "wrong" for letting myself feel my feelings, or that I'm not worthy of having them, and that I'm so conditioned to just stuff them down, be afraid of them, not allow them to surface, that I don't even know how to just let them be. I'm just numb.

 Instead of trying to force feeling feelings, I have learned I need to:

1. Seek others stories who have the same struggles as me for validation of my feelings.
2. Read literature that affirms my worth and my human rights.
3. Get out in nature to ground myself or do something mindful (baking, cleaning, coloring, working out) to get out of my rational part of my brain to the feeling part of my brain. I do this until I've felt enough rest to return to the place where I can sit and receive from my Higher Power without my rational mind berating me. It's the place where you can calmly integrate thought and emotion versus thought/emotion that are PTSD reactions.
4. Then I can share how I feel with my Higher Power, ask questions, read, and then journal freely until I stumble upon what is being said from my HP. That is a process of me writing my feelings out and then being open to receive.

I love and appreciate these ideas greatly! I choose to call my Higher Power God and that helps me. I think I will ask Him in my prayers to help me feel my feelings. :-) Thank you so much for this list!

What are your favorite things to read that affirm your self-worth? I recently got the book Daily Affirmations for the Adult Child of the Alcoholic. Maybe that's a good start. I just struggle with allowing myself to absorb that kind of thing. It's hard to explain.

That's what works for me! What doesn't work is talking to people with zero experience with BPD or trying to reason or connect with my family with BPD traits without calming down. That only causes more pain.

Thank you again for sharing in detail what works for you. :-) I love lists and step by step instructions spelled out for me.

I completely agree that talking to people who don't get BPD or want you to reconnect with family only causes more pain. My best friend is like this, and although I know she means well and has my best interest at heart, she does not understand BPD. Thank goodness my therapist does.

Thank for a validating and helpful post.