Email I want to send. Should I? Am I being petty or helpful?

[Doughboy]

Well it looks like I belong to the Detaching board now... .

I really want to reply to the Ex's email reply.  We also had a phone call that was full of blame and projection.  You can see the emails here, Reply #4 --> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309533.msg12873258#msg12873258

I want to finally share the truth but not sure if I should and just let bygones be bygones.  Maybe I just want her to hear what she has done for the 1st time in her life.  

Advice?

Her is what I WANT to send. I know it is long but is similar in length to what she sent me combined with what she dumped on the phone.  

I know I probably shouldn't send it because it is probably more for me to vent and be spiteful but I would like to hear opinions.  She is ingrained as the Victim in her life and I enabled that by my email and during the phone call.  I kinda feel that maybe once she should not be enabled... .

Hxxx,

Since we are completely done, and no worse damage can be had I will share some things that I kept from you the other day.

I don't expect you to read this.  If you do I don't imagine you will like it.  It will probably be considered dismissed outright by you, and anyone you share it with, but maybe some part of it will ring true and you can begin to have a life you want.

I will never claim to be a victim in this relationship, and never have, because I allowed everything to happen to me.  I allowed myself to change and go from a nice guy, helper, into full codependency.  This is a result of my own feelings of self worth that I mentioned in my response to your text.  It is something I have identified and that I have a plan to correct.  I was also able to identify where the "nice guy, helper, white knight" comes from in my past and that is my relationship with my parents and my youth.  I came to realize that I can't recall ever getting a kiss or hug in greeting or departing from either of my parents as far back as I can remember. To get a good job or any praise it required me to do something or to help.  This is the foundation I have and it is what it is.  Being a "nice guy/helper" is not a problem.  When it turns into the codependency as a way to chase Love and affection it becomes a problem.  It also caused me to not love me for me and what I accomplished but to only find value in me for what I could do for others. The shift to codependency with you was also a result of you always being the victim in every aspect of your life and my desire to try and solve everything that you worried, and complained, about so you could be happy.  I gave everything I had, willingly, out of a desire to make you happy and loved.  You gave so often because you felt an obligation or just to be "nice".  Not out of a desire to sacrifice or give to the realtionship.  When you are happy you are amazing.  When you aren't, which is often, you are miserable.  I cannot recall you ever saying that you were the first to cause a problem.  Your actions that you deemed wrong were always a response or a reaction to what someone else did first.  Without that first action you would have never done anything negative.  
-Your money situation has always been the fault of someone else although you spend somewhat recklessly at times(theater tickets, dining table, Christmas, etc.).  Just put it on credit and somewhere it will work out.  It is caused by you giving in to your girls so they can live where they wanted.  it is caused by jobs that allow you to work with the less fortunate not paying enough.  It is caused by the Courts not requiring XX to pay more in support.
-Your situation with XX is all him, the Courts, or my fault. You have done nothing to perpetuate this fractured relationship.  nothing you have ever been the root cause of. This is his fault, the Courts fault, and my fault.  You have done nothing to cause or perpetuate this fractured relationship.  Any of your actions that are negative are just a reaction to what someone else has done.
-If you were tired it was because I kept you up late.  If you were behind in her work it was because I did not allow you to take the time to work due to visits or phone calls.  If there was a disagreement/fight it was my actions that caused it and I always interrupted, dismissed your views, ignored my culpability, or created conflict.  In the clear majority of our difficulties throughout our relationship you made it clear that you were the victim.  I was the one that created the situations and was the cause for the conflicts.
-You struggled/struggle with depression at times and a feeling that you could not handle Adult/Parent responsibilities successfully.  You questioned your ability to make decisions and at times was very timid and meek when asking for what you wanted.  These things were all caused by your situation with XX, every past relationship you have had with a male before marriage, your abusive marriage to XX, and by my harsh, interruptive communication.  All of it was forced on you by others.  You are just reacting and doing the best best you can based on the circumstances you were given by others.

I find it amazing that for someone that was in a long distance relationship you could say that you never had the opportunity to be alone.  Every other week, after 6 the girls were gone and it was just you.  Sure we would talk on the phone but there was so much time you had to be alone.  I know because I was alone in X.  There were also many, many weekends we didn't see each other.  You were claiming to be in a committed relationship, even Engaged, but you wanted the opportunity to interact like you were single or lightly dating.  Seeing someone you are planning to Marry maybe 6-8 days out of 30 day month is minimal at best.  You are right though, I did have insecurities.  I was very insecure that you would be leaving me at any moment because you never really seemed committed (I mentioned this often) and I was often not feeling wanted.  Our differences in Faith also feed these insecurities.

Both times we got together, and even when we were originally talking on the phone, it was well known that I did not believe in Jesus and I was not a Christian.  I didn't think this was a problem, especially the 2nd time, because if you held such strong beliefs why would you have even had a relationship with me?  By being in the relationship with me you led me to feel that it was not an issue until it ultimately was, twice.  This is still my fault because the thought was always in the back of my mind.  I allowed myself to be led along that it wasn't an issue.  I will say that you should be ashamed for even presenting that it was not a problem, loving me, and allowing me to love you.  For agreeing to Marry me.  For discussing and planning a future together that involved conversations between us and your children as recent as 1 month before ending things.  If it was something that you say is "very important to me and I need to be with someone who has similar values" then why did you even allow any of it to happen in the first place.  And for someone that has these values you did not do a very good job of displaying them during our relationship (as you readily admitted often) or during your relationship to Scott from what you have told me.  I feel comfortable imagining that the reason for that was my fault for taking to much of your time or for somehow discouraging you from your Faith.  I tried to Believe but it never happened... .that is my fault also I guess because I just didn't open my heart and try hard enough.

Yes, you have burned many bridges here in Columbus.  Of the group of people I mentioned on the call, all of them felt you manipulated me and took advantage of me the first go round we had and that it would continue if we got back together.  I found this out in April.  That is why I cried when they told me.  I did not see it and in some respects still don't.  X, X, X, X, X, and Xl/X (he mentioned it to XX) all felt that one of the reasons you ended things is that the Business was struggling and you were likely ending things because the money and security were at risk.  Maybe this is why you consistently brought up how "desperately you want the Business to survive".  I will never know the answer as the reasons for this split have changed so many times that I can barely keep track anymore: Faith, XX support, I pushed, did too much, my communication, my twisting everything to my benefit, I smothered, I crossed boundary's, I tried to manipulate your emotions, and I am sure there are more.  And as you said in the email and phone call, yes you did things also, they were just reactions to things I created/started.  You get to stay pure.  XXX mentioned that you have always been the victim going back to High School and that is just how you are and it will never change.  I think it can change if you want it to.  Your Mother has expressed the same view in that this is how you are, emotional and always being taken advantage of,  and always have been even when you were a little girl.  Apparently, many of the things I experienced are the same that XX experienced when he was with you according to conversations he and Kristin had.

You have been diagnosed with depression and ADD and you probably also have a little PTSD most likely. All of these are normal and somewhat expected based on your past.  You also display many strong traits of Borderline Personality Disorder... .the "quiet Waif type" that appears fragile, needful, and victimized by life and relationships.  
-You constantly pushed me away when you felt overwhelmed and then pulled me back in to feel the love only to push me away again... .the closer I got the harder you pushed away, maybe due to a fear of engulfment and of eventual betrayal/abandonment and a way to protect yourself from a level of Love and commitment you don't think you can handle.  It is far beyond my understanding.  The push/pull is a type of intermittent reinforcement I mentioned on our call, the Great, Great, Great, Horrible, Horrible, Fair, Great, Fair, Horrible, Great cycle that kept me coming back for more no matter what trying to get the Great again.  It creates a kind of trauma bond/addiction.  It is often described as emotionally abusive but I do not feel that it was or that it was a conscience decision on your part.  It is just one way to cope with the extreme emotions.
-The history of unstable and stormy interpersonal relationships loaded with dysfunction that shifted between strong dependency/affection and then sudden withdrawal.
-The inability to be alone.
-The reckless spending and the history of risky promiscuity.
-The statements about "things would be better for everyone if I was not here" (you said this to me twice in 2017, both times while driving) along with the discussion in the fall of 2016, when driving down 31 near the IU Hospital on the right, that you were so overwhelmed, upset, and tired that you felt like you might need to check into someplace for a a period of time to regain control.  I advised you to talk to  XX as that action would have allowed XX to fight for full custody of the girls.
-The projection of so many of the bad/difficult things in your life onto others.
-The breakdowns/uncontrollable sobbing that you can't handle working full-time every few months, that you were meant to only be a Mom, that being a single parent and working is too difficult, that you were unable to maintain the house, yard, shopping, cooking by yourself satisfactorily.
-The frequent job changes - 7 in 10 years
-The Love that turned into devaluation when you decided something I did was unacceptable and then the discard at the end.
-The flashes of anger I saw (0 to 60), and you described that happened when married to xxxx, that occasionally involved throwing/breaking things.

I also struggle with the items not being returned to me in a timely fashion.  You had everything as soon as possible.  Your Mother was there at least 2 times and the movies only came back the 2nd time because XX requested them.  The other stuff could all have come back at that time also but they didn't for some reason... . It took 7 weeks for the movies to be returned!  

All that being said... .I do still love you... .always will.  I know what you are capable of being, doing, giving, and feeling when you want to because I experienced it so often.  I know you want to Love but I don't feel you able to trust the emotion due to so many things that have happened in your life going way, way back.  I don't blame you.  I do blame all of the things in your past that shaped you into this person and these behaviors.  I am frustrated that so many things have been the way they are for you.  You deserve better then the cards you have been dealt so far.  You have the opportunity to change those cards if you look deep and try to change them. As I have said before I will always be there for you if you need a hand, a friend, a partner.  You are the best thing I have ever experienced and I wish I had done more to show that to you.  I wished I was more aware of things and had communicated in a way you needed more often.  I wish I would have been a stronger man then I was.  I also wish you could have been a partner that was able to commit fully instead of creating a scenario where I had to carry so much.  I guess I didn't have to... .I chose to... .and I would carry most of it again if I had the chance.  That is why this all hurts so badly.

Good luck with your future, your possible current relationship, and anything else that may happen in your life.  Try to really consider what I have typed as I don't want you to keep in the cycle of bad relationships.  The majority of the time you have so much to offer and can Love like no other.  Again, please keep the debit card for emergency's if they come up and sell the ring.  I will not use the Tickets so try to sell those also. Do not mail the bowl and mug as I have no use for them.
--
Xxxx

[roberto516]

You might feel some closure initially but the pain and longing might come back in a couple days. Well... .it did for me. I also sent her texts, emails explaining the situation saying how I didn't want her to repeat patterns. Explained why I got angry and talked about my childhood, and how I developed coping skills that didn't work for me as an adult.  It went completely over her head... .naturally. I won't tell you what to do. Not my place. But in my experience as long as I kept reaching out in anyway I wasn't healing. But this is your journey.

This is so eerily similar to things I sent her too though. All about her not being able to trust love, and those fears, my part in it all, etc. So dang similar.

[Rayban]

Ox

If I were you I wouldn't send it. I think this should be more about having written what you feel, and that does a world of good.

Does she have the capacity to take your point of view into consideration?  I doubt it. She fill shift this into your codependency as being the problem.  Remember  you are dealing with someone with a serious mental disorder . She'll likely see this as an attack, and evidence that she still has the control.  :)on't give her the satisfaction. There is nothing constructive that could come out of this.

Don't prolong it, cause the end result will just be worse.  You spoke with her. Said what you had to say.  Just release with grace.

[Doughboy]

Don't prolong it, cause the end result will just be worse.  You spoke with her. Said what you had to say.  Just release with grace.

That is the issue.  I said about 20% of what I wanted to say because I was shocked she was laying so much blame on me so calmly.  I didn't want to make things worse because, I can admit it, I may be open to something in the future with her if she reappears.

I do have protections for myself though.  I consider myself the Castle.  I have put a moat of "evaluation and therapy if justified" around the Castle.  I have put a moat of "being accepted as a Non Believer" around the Castle. And I have built a wall of "your Mother needs to butt the F out of things and quit enabling you and bashing everyone else around the Castle.  If she can breech these defenses then we would have something to talk about. 

I am well aware and on the way to correcting my issues as best I can since I am not holding my breath for the Comeback appearance.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Ox,

When I threw out my exBPDbf, he was soon after sectioned for a threatened suicide attempt and then ended up in police custody.  Of the many abusive voicemails I received the only one I reacted to was when he asked for the remainder of his belongings to be dropped off.  I wrote a letter and put it inside the bag.  Within the letter I wrote a list of 'non negotiables' that would have to be in place before I would consider reinstigating any type of real contact with him in the future.  I've just posted about one major one I've just discovered he didn't follow through on.  In my humble opinion, they don't want to hear it.  He clearly wants to put the relationship behind him, including and especially due to any unwanted truths about himself that he'd have to face in order to try to pursue it in the future.  I need to do the same.  Put the relationship firmly behind me.  The difference being, I am capable, willing, and determined to tackle the truths about myself that I have learned on this journey.  I did hope when I wrote the letter that he would take onboard what I had to say.  In my heart did I really believe he would?  No.  Not really if I'm honest.  The hope remained, however the logic always told me that I was hoping for something highly unlikely if not damn near impossible.  How did you feel after writing all of this down?  Maybe you just needed that outpour for your own benefit.  What you do with it is your choice.  Try not to hold out too much hope for a positive outcome though if you do decide to hit send.  It could hold you back.  I was lucky in that I got firm confirmation that the non negotiable in question was disregarded.  That in itself has given me release.  Otherwise I could have been waiting for a very very long time, possibly forever.  That uncertainty would have haunted me and stopped me fully committing to another who might come along in the future.  Now I know I have the closest thing to closure.  He has shown me indirectly his intention towards me.  It hurts like hell but I consider it healthy pain that I actually need to experience because of the lesson it holds for me.  I wish you well with this decision.

Love and light x   

[jody452]

Ox

I know exactly how you feel. I emailed my ex knowing all to well she is sleeping with someone else. Also knowing all to well that no one can just sleep with someone on an ongoing basis and not be emotionally linked to them. 4 years we spent together and she's with someone else within less than 2 months. truth be told she was probably with her while with me. Its what she does

I still struggle to admit the problem now is with me, I've read everything i can on BPD and well I lived with her fort 4 years I know this is her pattern that this is what she does. Yet I still sit here thinking I can change her, that I taught her she doesn't have to cut or kill her self. I can teach her that she is worthy of love to.

Ox don't send the email you will never get the answers you want. You will never get what you need from your Ex.
As hard as it is we just have to accept it; I bounce back and forth from this as I cant believe that someone so loving towards you can just turn that off.

Rayban is right we need to let go stop prolonging as it just makes it worse on us.

[Doughboy]

I felt angry that I didn't share most of it over the last 18 months. Angry that I didn't see the issues when together.

I know nothing good will come out of it for me.  Maybe for her though... .

She only has strong traits. Nothing like what I have read so many others go through.

I won't send it because I know she will dismiss it out of hand.  Maybe that isbthe frustrating part... .knowing they can't see the forest for the trees if you will.  She knows she has never had a good relationship. She knows she is the reason. She knows she pushes away. She knows she struggles with the emotions and and critique.  She just blames others instead of seeing it isbger... .and nobody has had the balls to say it to her including me. And I have known her and her family since 1984!

That length of time makes this all the more difficult.

[Rayban]

Ox


What's the best case scenario by sending that email?

Do you believe that this is the first time that she receives an email from an ex who's been hurt?

She will read it and imidiately go into blame shifting. The shame will put her in a corner, and she'll fight for survival  the only way she knows.  She'll make you believe that you are the problem.  She feels justifyed to go out and attach herself to someone else.

The pattern just repeats.  I understand your anger. We suffer while they've i found another bruised soul to attach to.

Just thinking about the number of guys that are pinning for my ex makes me sick.  She's addicted to having guys fall in love with her. Once you're no longer able or willing to fill that need , then you're dead to her.

[Doughboy]

I luck out in that we are 180 miles away from each other until 7/2020.  Unfortunately I am 3.2 miles from her Mother.  She plans to move here home at that time and I know she will end up within 5 miles of me... .

It was kind of telling, or I could be reading into things, that while we were talking I mentioned my Counselor, what I have learned, what I am doing, that I joined a weekly Euchre club, started dance lessons (something we always talked about), am signed up for metal working classes, and I have lost 20lbs.  While telling her this her responses were very short, "good", "good", "I'm glad", etc.  Nothing like the rest of the conversation.  It threw her, imo, that I was doing things.  Especially the weight loss.  I also mentioned, and this was cruddy of me in hindsight, that since we split I had saved enough money that I was scheduled to have my house resided/trim/gutters.  We had talked many times about that as this was going to be the home we shared when she moved back.  She hates her current house but loved mine.  I know that stung for her to hear and there was no reason to say it but... .

Now here is one I have not seen on the boards yet... .speaking of the house.  I bought it 3 months before we romantically got together.  We planned the master bath I redid, I remodled the kitchen how she/I wanted it, paint colors were her choice(I couldn't care less), we decorated together, etc.  Now I spend every day walking around a house and EVERYTHING is a constant reminder of her.  Even the toilet paper holder because it was a great trip when we picked it out.  I have a 20 ft by 3 ft wall of Daisy's that we planted together,(her favorite flower) that just started to bloom.  That stuff is rough and the only way to be gone from it would be to move.  My own home isn't a refuge, .

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Ox,

I know where you're coming from.  Although I quickly got rid of any last things he left behind, there are reminders everywhere.  Once he went through a phase of colouring his hair vivid shades and my cream leather sofa has a stain from one of these that won't come off.  I've placed cushions in front but if they slip... .It's like I can see him still reclining looking all yummy where we'd lie down together.  I used the last of the washing up liquid he bought the other day (massive bottle) and my heart was in my throat when I threw it in the recycling.  I have a woodburner and he fashioned a scoop to clean out the ash tray underneath.  Every time I look at the fire now and realise I need to clean it out I have visions of him doing that task.  There are countless things around me that bring back memories.  We spent so much time at home together that I have this constant ghost following me around.  It's tough indeed.  At the same time I'm determined not to be driven out of something I worked so hard for and instead I'm going to consider the ghost as a friendly reminder of the fact I am strong and can come through anything.  It would be so sad to effectively run away.  I want to stand up and face what I've encountered and keep my power.  Feel like if I make big life changes get away from the reminders that would be giving the power to him even still.  That's just me though.  Your home sounds lovely so ask yourself if you can weather the storm and in time see these things as positive reminders... .Of what you don't want in your life and the boundaries you have set as a result.  Of what you're truly worth.  Of the good times that eventually you may feel blessed to have glimpsed and can aspire to with someone else in the future.  Perhaps in time that is what they will become.  However if you're going to always be haunted and this makes detaching more difficult, a fresh start could be the best prescription.

Love and light x

[once removed]

hi Ox,

id ask how you might react if an ex sent you this letter?


also, some food for thought on telling someone you think they have BPD: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

[Doughboy]

Once... .

I know.  I would like to think I would be receptive if I was aware of so many things about myself that I couldn't pinpoint the cause but I am also human.

Writing it and then asking for opinions is a good example of impulse control, .

[once removed]

Writing it and then asking for opinions is a good example of impulse control, .

it really is, and it can be a very helpful exercise.

i had a falling out once with one of my childhood best friends. he was going through a tough time and kinda blew up. said a lot of not so nice things about me. blamed our other friend too. smeared the two of us a little bit.

it hurt, and it angered me. i wrote my thoughts often. i sent some to him on one occasion, and he mocked me and didnt read them.

but eventually, i grieved the friendship. i was able to see with more clarity and balance where i was in the wrong and where he was. my desire to get my side out, fume at him, whatever, dissipated, and i came to a complete sense of peace. that stayed with me, and i kept that attitude toward my ex as well (although i wrote a whole lot of really nasty unsent stuff with no regrets)

our hurt can drive us to say things that either we may regret, or that one day we may feel simply didnt need to be said. sit with your feelings, and eventually you will be at peace.

[Doughboy]

our hurt can drive us to say things that either we may regret, or that one day we may feel simply didnt need to be said.

I wouldn't regret any of the things in that message but I completely understand what you mean.

There are other things I could say that would possibly force a breakdown and that is not needed or beneficial to anyone.

[roberto516]

I wouldn't regret any of the things in that message but I completely understand what you mean.

There are other things I could say that would possibly force a breakdown and that is not needed or beneficial to anyone.

No it really isn't. Take from my experience. All the things I said and told her out of anger. All about her BPD traits, her fears of abandonment, how mean she is, etc, etc. In a way it was good because I think it really pushed her away to a point that it is beyond repair. But on top of all the pain and hurt I also had to work on forgiving myself for those things, and having empathy for myself as to where those words came from. So don't put any extra work on yourself. It's not worth it. I'm glad you put it here though. If I had done it I might have had more peace of mind. But probably more recycle's and attempts than I already did. There's positives in everything.

[Sunfl0wer]

Does your ex have a history of really soaking in your insight and making good use of it?  Or does she typically deflect, blame shift, defend, etc?

I ask because ia am not really sure what outcome you are looking for.

This letter was full of a lot of "you are this... ." "you did that... .". A lot of talking down to someone.
I can't see why that would be helpful to anyone but yourself.

This letter could be a way to continue engagement vs actually detaching because it is loaded woth stuff to open the door for her to defend herself and try to set the record straight with you.  Translation: it would be easiest for someone ot use his as bait vs something helpful.

Not sure what you are after tho.