Question for those who've married after their BPDx...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have to ask those who've married after they've broken up and moved on from their BPDx - how do you do it? How do you actually commit to someone else for the rest of your life? How can you stand next to someone and make those vows when (maybe) you're not with the one you want deep down in your heart?

I'm asking because this is one of the questions that haunts me when I wake up at 3 in the morning. I'm not dead-set on marriage but I think one day I'd like to think I'd love someone else as much or more than my BPDx - but I just can't see it.

So how do you do it? Do you admit to yourself that you didn't get the one you truly want, so you settle for the one whose good enough? That would seem like setting yourself up to live in an emotional cage for the rest of your days.

How do you do it?

[GuySmiley]

I have to ask those who've married after they've broken up and moved on from their BPDx - how do you do it? How do you actually commit to someone else for the rest of your life? How can you stand next to someone and make those vows when (maybe) you're not with the one you want deep down in your heart?

I'm asking because this is one of the questions that haunts me when I wake up at 3 in the morning. I'm not dead-set on marriage but I think one day I'd like to think I'd love someone else as much or more than my BPDx - but I just can't see it.

So how do you do it? Do you admit to yourself that you didn't get the one you truly want, so you settle for the one whose good enough? That would seem like setting yourself up to live in an emotional cage for the rest of your days.

How do you do it?

[RomanticFool]

GuySmiley,

I got married and at the time it was a very happy day. In my case it has gone wrong because I believe my wife has BPD traits too. Only very mild compared to the ex but they are there and sexual anorexia is part of her DNA.

However, at the time of my marriage it felt healthier than the abusive r/s I had been involved in before (and then went back to). In fact my marriage has gone wrong because I allowed the bPD ex back into my life. On my wedding day I felt in love with my wife, though not with the sexual abandon I felt for the ex.

It could be argued that healthy love feels less intense because it isn't fu*ked up and we all like the drama and intensity of those addictive feelings. That is what we are all doing here. Trying to recognise the healthy from the addictive and abusive.

It is my belief you can still have intense feelings for somebody healthy. You need some distance from your ex and some time. Then you are free to pursue the love and passion you deserve.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Guy,

I totally hear where you're coming from.  I have the exact same fear.  That I will never find the same deep, all consuming, passionate love again.  Then I remind myself that it wasn't entirely real.  In that it wasn't reciprocated consistently and in the end I felt these strong feelings towards someone I no longer knew.  So my personal decision is this.  No I shall not 'settle'.  In fact my grandma told me straight when she was alive to absolutely never settle for anything less than the real thing and that I'd know when that came along because I'd still get butterflies in my stomach every time he walked into the room even many years into the relationship.  And that it'd be the same for him.  So although I felt I'd found it, it was a mirage.  Maybe a glimpse of what could be... .  Until that does come along I'm going to learn to love myself a whole lot more.  I am happy by myself (or at least always was... .) and would rather leave this life single and happy than in a relationship that brings with it so much pain and despair.  Sorry I can't answer the question more directly as it sounds as though we're in a similar position on this but thought I'd give my two penneth so to speak.  It is said that we attract what we are so perhaps we should make a conscious effort to inject excitement and positive drama into our lives and our true match will be drawn to that.  Right, I'm off to do a bit of base jumping and throw myself out of a plane 

Love and light x 

[GuySmiley]

RF did your wife know about your BPDx while you were dating and married - not the affair, just your previous relationship?

Obviously keeping the affair a secret heightened the excitement etc - but if you came clean as soon as BPDx contacted you again do you think you could have worked it out with your wife?

And yes healthy love does feel less intense as do the feelings of love - but how can you settle for that when you've had (albeit unhealthy) such intense feelings for someone in the past? To me, to marry someone based on sensible, well thought out and almost business-like feelings ("this person isn't the most exciting or attractive and the sex is ok but not amazing" just seems so well, passionless.

If I was going to marry someone, I'd like to think that I'd learnt to develop a healthy relationship, but also I'd like to think I was head over heels for them too. And I just can't see that happening. To be able to forget the intense highs in favour of a more sensible equilibrium.

[Harley Quinn]

PS What about a dating site for nons who have recovered from BPD relationships?  There's a thought... .

[GuySmiley]

PS What about a dating site for nons who have recovered from BPD relationships?  There's a thought... .

I've honestly thought of this too. Seeing as no one else gets what we've gone through, and we could all just come out and say that there's a massive significant other that we've never gotten over, and that's ok because I know you have one too.

[Doughboy]

PS What about a dating site for nons who have recovered from BPD relationships?  There's a thought... .

While a Great idea in theory how would you filter out the BPD's and the BPD traits?  Would seem like Moths to the fire! 

[hopealways]

I have to ask those who've married after they've broken up and moved on from their BPDx - how do you do it? How do you actually commit to someone else for the rest of your life? How can you stand next to someone and make those vows when (maybe) you're not with the one you want deep down in your heart?

I'm asking because this is one of the questions that haunts me when I wake up at 3 in the morning. I'm not dead-set on marriage but I think one day I'd like to think I'd love someone else as much or more than my BPDx - but I just can't see it.

So how do you do it? Do you admit to yourself that you didn't get the one you truly want, so you settle for the one whose good enough? That would seem like setting yourself up to live in an emotional cage for the rest of your days.

How do you do it?

I have struggled with this question myself but came to a different conclusion. The premise that the BPDx was our "true passionate one and only love" is false. We THOUGHT it was love because our definition of love was based on our toxic childhood exposure in the family to a love that was difficult, painful, dramatic, involving feelings of deep yearning and heartbreak.  None of those are what real love is.  So in fact our definition of love was the LACK of love, which is precisely what the BPD gave us.

For me, if I still sometimes yearn the BPDx to me all it means is that I still have work to do to change my perception of what real love is: harmonious and nurturing.

[Herodias]

I haven't done it and haven't even considered it, but I would be very cautious and take lots of time. You have to try and realize the person you were with was not your "soulmate" after all. Only a reflection of you in the beginning and in the end a difficult life lesson. Once you have worked on yourself you will know what to look for and what you do and do not want in a partner. List  3 things about what you value in life. Be it integraty, family, giving and so on. Know yourself and you will know when you aren't with someone who matches your beliefs. Make a long list of all of the traights you want in a person and stick to the list.

[Pretty Woman]

I am not married but in a committed partnership.

BPD relationships are so intense often we become addicted to the drama. As one poster here put it... .normal relationships are so calm it's an adjustment. Even today, I sometimes panic if I do something wrong my partner will leave me.

I was friends with my current partner throughout all the ups and downs of my last relationship so she knows my ex. She's seen me hit rock bottom and genuinely cares about my well being.

There was a time probably up to a year and a half after the final discard I would have entertained going back to my ex had she returned because for a long time I felt empty.  What that emptiness turned out to be was lack of chaos.

Life wasn't empty, it was calm.

Once I got back to normalcy while I still think of my ex I'd never entertain another ride on that merry go round. I know how it will end and I've come so far since then. My career is thriving, I have new, honest friends and life overall is peachy. Also I love myself enough not to walk into the flames and get burned. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea and that's pretty accurate. Why go after the bottom feeders when you can land a happy salmon jumping out of the water. It's just not worth it when you realize all it will do is set you back. I lost the end of my 30's to this person. I won't ruin my 40's.

[Insom]

Nice question, GuySmiley.

I met the man who became my husband about a year and a half after leaving my BPD-ex.  The two relationships felt/feel very different to me.  The relationship with my BPD-ex felt intense and intimate but wasn't loving. It had an addictive quality and we were always arguing, battling for control with one another.  It was a relief to finally find a way to leave.  With my husband, there was an immediate mutual attraction but the energy between us had a softer, warmer, more tingly and steady feel to it than what I remember with my BPD-ex.  We've been together over twenty years.  There is no comparison.  I don't even think of what I had with my BPD-ex as love anymore even though that's what I thought it was at the time because of the intensity.

You can recover from this and I am rooting for you.

[RomanticFool]

GuySmiley,

I hadn't been in contact with my exBPD since before I met my wife. I had a clean slate. Yes, I thought about the exBPD but I had dealt with the pain the first time round. It was the recycle that did the damage. The second time around the exBPD was more love-bombing to begin with and we had more of a courtship than the first time. It was early on in my marriage and the sex had gone from not much to non existant. I now believe my wife has BPD traits herself, though not as pronounced as the ex. There is a chance that had I not let the BPD back in I could have worked on my marriage but I had been with my wife for 5 years before the marriage. I think marriage was my wife's way of appeasing her own abandonment issues.

Who says we are nons? I think I have some BPD traits myself. Therefore a pwBPD is always going to feel more compatible. I have been attracted to 3 BPDs (or pwBPD traits) in my life and those are just the ones I know about. In fact looking back, I had an extremely controlling ex gf who I ran away from and then decided I was madly in love with but she had already met somebody else and was pregnant. This was in the space of a few weeks (though the whole r/s spanned 2 years). I then spent ten years mourning her loss which included several recycle attempts by me, after her partner had left her with the baby - citing a lack of attention on him! While I was supposed to still be with that woman, I met a crazy Spanish woman in Germany (who worked in a transvestite bar - but she was a woman) who was possessive, fiery tempered and controlling. She told me I was the craziest man she knew. To me, I was a 'normal' man looking for love.

I think the reason we are all on here is because we ourselves have been acting out in some way and the emotional pain is too much to bear. Emotional and behavioural dysregulation is one of the key factors in pwBPD or BPD traits. I'm not saying all of us have those traits, I am asking the question based on the fact that I am now aware that I have some of the traits.

[Gemsforeyes]

I Know that when I'm ready I will be with a truly kind, loving and spirited man, and I will not be "settling".  Marriage is not important to me - I was married for 19 years and I have no need to marry again.  Why not lift that pressure off of yourself? 

Looking at the big picture, my BPD ex-boyfriend was the most self-absorbed lover I've ever had.  Oh sure... .he left me breathless, but not in a good way; rather in the way that made me feel I couldn't get air.  I eventually was drowning in pain brought on by his rages and cruelty.  There is really nothing good to miss. 

That "prince" I first knew was a fallacy, and with each passing day, I am letting his memory crumble (yes, even the good parts).  Plus I kept my own written journal of the painful experiences as they occurred, largely because I was in disbelief over what was taking place.  Now I read my own words of desperation, which helps me want to stay away.

The really tricky part is that we have to ALLOW ourselves to heal and disconnect.  You do NOT need her permission to do this.  My alternative this time would be for ME to ask him to come back, and I will NOT do that.  Especially since with this breakup, I have finally made some very honest disclosures to close friends and family.  You've been immersed with your ex-BPD woman for so long that in some ways, that's all you really know; so you've grown somewhat "comfortable" with it, even the pain itself.  Any other woman would be a complete mystery and quite scary.  But she may also hold the possibility of sincere joy and maybe even leave your senses sex!  And she could also be there with you for breakfast, lunch and supper!  So ask yourself the question... .is this the happiest you can be?

The day before my breakup was Easter Sunday and my ex's birthday.  We had a great day.  We laughed, went to his family's for a party, he loved his gifts and his cake.  On the way home, he started to rage.  Why?  No one knows.  He calmed down, but not until he told me I ruined his birthday and a few other reckless things.  Then he laughed some more, we watched our favorite program, I had the treat of taking care of his physical needs once again, I was the greatest, most sexy girl in the universe, Wow how he loves me (he said over and over) and he fell asleep.  Woke up the next morning and he began to rage, screaming at me that I ruined his EFFIN birthday and he's had it and he was leaving me.  I did NOT respond, say a word or try to talk him off the ledge.  I was completely fried... .

I have to refuse to let that man be the measure by which a potential truly good man is judged.  None of use wants to be compared to any other person, do we?  I simply refuse to let the pain of him dictate what my future will look like.  The reality is that I stayed in the relationship because I minimized ME, not anyone else.  I didn't think that much of him.  From the words in my journal, I was seeing him and his behavior pretty clearly.  I just felt so little about myself.  I will not venture out until that part of me is mended.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey GuySmiley, I would suggest that you have more work to do to the extent your BPDx remains "the one you truly want."  My perspective is closer to that of Pretty Woman, who writes:

Once I got back to normalcy while I still think of my ex I'd never entertain another ride on that merry go round. I know how it will end and I've come so far since then.

I don't miss the drama, either.  Although not married, I'm in a committed r/s with a kind and supportive woman.  It's night and day compared to my marriage to my BPDxW.  No, it's not about settling for someone who is "good enough," because in my experience it's way better.

LuckyJim