What are you doing to "work on" yourself?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

we hear and use this phrase a lot. "work on yourself". "im working on myself". "im working on self improvement." "im focusing on me."

what does the phrase mean to you? what does it entail for you personally, and what steps are you taking?

[once removed]

we hear and use this phrase a lot. "work on yourself". "im working on myself". "im working on self improvement." "im focusing on me."

what does the phrase mean to you? what does it entail for you personally, and what steps are you taking?

[Emotions]

Just read this in a Buddhism book. Which ironically before my relationship I considered myself. "When encountering objects which please us, to view them like rainbows in summer, not ultimately real, however beautiful they appear to be, and to relinquish craving and attachment, is the practice of a bodhisattva."

[roberto516]

Accepting my feelings without reacting. I spent 6 months now feeling the hurt, anger, loneliness, pain but it always led to reaching out. Now I'm 8 days NC and when the sadness comes, like now, I have no desire to reach out. Which is another way I'm working on myself. I self-talk and logically understand the situation, and I also am developing the self-respect I had before which was my greatest quality along with contentment.

I also wrote a second novel which I will publish soon. It really is my emotions through this ordeal told in novel format. That has helped immensely. I'm also trying, I stress trying , to learn guitar. And I'm doing my best to appreciate what I have. This nice weather can make me miserable because i think of what we could be doing together. Now I try to just embrace the moment and realize that this is MY experience right now. And I have the choice to make it good or bad.

I also talk to people here about the situation, and some other close people. yesterday I felt really bad for a spell, and asked a friend to remind me why I don't want her in my life. And the answer was perfect. All these things are helping me grow, and work on myself. I have one life to live. And I used to be so content in life. I can get back there. I don't need to occupy my time and keep busy to numb or forget. But I finally learned what it means to feel your feelings. And one day I will be thankful for this experience.

[Emotions]

May I ask what was your friends answer?

[roberto516]

May I ask what was your friends answer?

Yes . She's like my big sister. So the answer was, and I'm paraphrasing, "You don't want to be with someone who views you as a dog that they can call whenever they need you. You don't want to be with someone who always put herself first, and took, took, took. Someone who took your hurt, and concerns only to spin it so that you would end up apologizing for having those feelings in the first place" etc, etc. It just brought me right back to reality. Even as I type this it brings me right back. It's an addiction. Best way to fight an addiction is to remind oneself of all that it has taken from you; what it has taken from me.

[Emotions]

Thanks for sharing

[GlennT]

This is the absolute best question to ask anyone new you want to get to know after you begin to heal yourself. A real narcissistic borderline will not be able to answer this question which is a major . They would not think there is anything to work on. After years of study, visiting this site, volunteering to help others, prayer, solitude, NC, living like a monk, vacations, several hobbies, I still have had residual anger to work on because I have been peeking and spying. But recently, I have had a big time major heavy duty epiphany. I have finally realized, after all these years of working on myself and observing my ex, that she really truly cannot help the way she is   

[vanx]

Thanks for asking this question. It's really important. What keeps me going is the idea that the pain happened for a reason. I am trying to work on communication and self-advocacy to make sure I can honor my needs in a r/l and accept limitations of helping my partner.
I like roberto's answer about appreciating what you have too. Gratitude is what will keep us strong. One thing to be grateful for is as Glenn touched on--it hurts, but at least we can keep growing. Frankly, I hope I never think I know so much there's no more room to grow .
Otherwise, I've just been kicking therapy into 3rd gear trying to understand why this hurts so bad, why I am attracted to women who ultimately are emotionally unavailable. Haven't found the answers yet, but have a strong awareness of the questions. Hang in there, all, and stay positive

[Harley Quinn]

Great question onceremoved, as it has made me take stock and it turns out I'm doing quite a lot really, although I don't think I can do enough.

Valuing every second spent with my son and being present for him
Practising mindfulness again
Awaiting new long term counselling sessions commencing
Attending a 12 week recovery programme for domestic abuse victims (or survivors, as I prefer)
Had my first psych evaluation so I can address my own deep rooted issues leading to the codependency and potentially identifying any personality / mood disorder I have traits of.
Working towards a long enough spell that is crisis free in order to be accepted for the local specialist psychotherapy service.
Daily gratitude
I've resurrected my interest in personal growth by taking online programmes with Mindvalley
Online CBT
Secured a referral into a local art and creative wellbeing centre
Utilising my support worker from the local domestic abuse service and a carer support worker who is still keen to work with me after stopping my carer role, including a 4 week course on building confidence etc. that she's recommended.
Pursuing a bursaried place on a mindfulness teacher training course that I'd aspired to take prior to the relationship
Spending quality time with my family and rebuilding relationships
Drawing on support from close friends through this tough time and realising the difference in feeling genuinely cared about.
Training at the gym again, which I'd given up during the relationship because of his jealousy of me being around other men and my resulting FOG.
Reading soo much of others' experiences on here, feeling enlightened and empowered by the amazing advice and support on this board.

Wow, I've been busy!  Thank you so much for making me realise this.  It's only when I typed it I realised I'm actually finally 'walking the walk' for myself and for that I feel quite proud.

Love and light to everyone in this lifesaving community x

[balletomane]

Great question.

For me, it has meant learning to be kind and patient with myself. At first I tried to rush my recovery and got disheartened because I couldn't force myself to feel better quicker. Things that I do to help with patience and self-compassion are playing my musical instruments (I find music practice really helps with mindfulness, relaxation, and learning how to stay in the moment) and taking time to cook and eat a proper nutritious meal every night. I am often tempted to cook something easy and then 'eat it on the go', as I'm working or reading, but setting the table by the window, using nice crockery, and eating without rushing reminds me that I need rest and care and it's OK to take time to nourish myself - in all senses of that word.

In addition to practising patience and self-compassion, I have to fight against the idea that I'm somehow broken and unloveable, which still plagues me from time to time (albeit with less force than it did). I went no contact almost two years ago to the day, and I still can't imagine being in a romantic relationship with another person. I feel like no one would ever want me, that I don't matter to anyone in that way. So I have to challenge this by always behaving to myself as if I do matter. Tomorrow I'm going out to see a ballet. I'll be going by myself. At first I was shy of doing things like this (in the immediate aftermath of the abuse I felt like I didn't deserve treats, I couldn't enjoy them anyway, and I just wanted to hide) but now I try to do at least one special thing every month that I will enjoy.

The final thing involves being honest with other people when their behaviour bothers me. I have always avoided confrontation and bottled things up when people have hurt me, which meant that my ex's abusive behaviour escalated without a murmur from me. Now I am trying to be more assertive.

[StayStrongNow]

This is a good post and great question because after all us nons have to crawl out of this pit from our pwBPD.

First I am still having issues with my hurt, hangups, anger and resentments. I can't go complete NC with the uxBPDw because I have full custody of the kids and it's been almost two years since I have had sole discussion making authority (current legal lingo) of my D11, D9 and S8.

I am not going into detail of the past as you can imagine if I have the kids the x obviously messed up. Indeed she did with multiple arrest and convictions that included domestic battery (guys never fight back, the other person will get thrown in jail), public intoxication, child endangerment and several visits from the DCFS.

Despite her 6 in patient centers she stayed in she of course true to the pwBPD form is blaming it ALL on me. I have tried the I forgive you, let's move on bit but every time I do I get more intensity of the black splitting that I have now endured for 3 of the 13 year r/s.

So now any and every time she tries to get closer to me I read her like a well read book and push her away albeit in a very stern way. Whereas as you all know pwBPD re-write the past but I give her a very accurate factual history lesson. And of course a pwBPD will show no remorse but just will blast me with how ashamed she is for marrying me. She feels guilt about even having our r/s but absolutely no remorse ever about the things she did to the kids and me.

I understand and believe in the long run I need to forgive her even though she will never ask to be forgiven. You know she can't ask that because she is a pwBPD and mentally crippled from doing that. I do need to stop ripping into her about the past. I am writing some pretty venomous stuff these days. I can get pretty angry especially when I know the only reason she does nice things is that she wants joint custody.

I know if I remain bitter I will be stuck in this rut, and I should stop, when she says she cries at my texts I believe her. I do not love her anymore and I consider her and her home wrecking mother as my bitter enemies.

Thanks for the post it brings to light my faults. I am aware of them and for me to move on I need to let go of the past.

[Aesir]

As of right now I'm  just working period. I'm trying to get decide on a few new hobbies and picking up a old one. I'm trying to cut myself a little slack. Self forgiveness seems to be even harder than forgiving someone else.

[Dark horse]

I'm in therapy which gives me a different perspective/interpretation of the events that occurred in the relationship with my ex.
I'm reading "the human magnet syndrome" recommended by someone here.  Very insightful into what I need to work on for myself - as opposed to what my ex needed to work on.
I spend time with people that truly value and care about me as I am.  They also reinforce to me that leaving my marriage was the ONLY choice because my partner did not want to work on himself or the relationship
I spend time outside in nature, in gratitude every day.
I'm restarting my exercise routine
I'm reading/writing here for support
Every few days I write a letter to myself, journaling things that have happened over the years.  This is helping me to remember things that I suppressed.
Finally, every day I do one thing that I felt I could not do when in the relationship.  This could be staying up late, not hanging up my clothes, leaving a dirty dish in the sink etc.  I'm starting to think about planning some "bigger things" like vacations and activities that I felt I could not do before.
I meditate.
I'm re-watching a video lecture series by Joe Dispenza on "changing your life by changing your mind".
It's alot but its working!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey once removed

The starting point, for me, is self-love and self-acceptance which sounds easy but takes work.  My goal is to love myself enough that I will never again be the object of someone else's abuse.

I strive to make my life a journey towards authenticity.  I lost myself in my marriage to a pwBPD; now I'm finding myself again.  I would say that it involves paying attention to small desires, those moments when we come across something that really interests us or recall something that we really like, and then following those inklings to see where they lead.  Robert Bly, in his book Iron John, calls this process "following the golden threads" which is a good description.  You could say that it's about getting back in touch with one's core.

Now I listen to my gut feelings.  I ignored them when I married my BPDxW, which led to a lot of pain and hardship.

I try to follow Nietzsche's advice: "Become who you are"!

LuckyJim