who's spouse just disappeared after long term relationship

[jo19854]

My uBPD wife left when i was at work almost 3.5 years ago after almost 11 years relationship and 2 years married. She took a plane and vanished. No arguments before, she smiled at me when i left for work.
She left everything behind, all her possesions and her dog.
She left a note i could email her, she would give me an adress when she had one, and ended with Love B... .
I get great support, met fantastic people through this board. Most likely she's borderline but "silent"
I have tried to contact her, i have stopped trying 9 mths ago . I have never ever heard from her, no reply, nothing
The only contact i have told me he knows not much about her present life but she has no replacement and lives at her older daughters house.
I only know one other person who was abandoned like this. I fight every day and i must move on. I must. It's hard.
It's inhuman. Same experience would be appreciated.

[joeramabeme]

Jo - Sorry to hear about your experience, that sounds very painful.  I did not go through a physical departure in this way, but emotionally was similar in a sudden and complete emotional withdrawl.

I sense that all of our stories have a "fear of success" element to them, meaning, when things are good or easy going it is frightening.  In some ways it is safer to know the devil of want than the uncertainty of what happens if you actually get what is desired. 

Sorry I cant offer more but I feel for you.  Day at a time as you are doing... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jo, I'm sorry to learn what you've been through.  Her sudden departure must have come as a terrible shock, from which you are understandably still recovering.   I suggest that, rather than ruminate on her motives, you focus on treating yourself with compassion and care, as a starting point.  What can you do to be good to yourself?  When strong feelings come up, do you have a method you can use to acknowledge and process them?  Right, you have to move forward, but I understand that it's hard.

LuckyJim

[roberto516]

Jo I cannot imagine that. That sounds like one of the worst experiences you could ever go through. My relationship wasn't nearly as long, we weren't married, etc. but I did get the complete emotional withdrawal. One Saturday she asked for me to come over the next our relationship was over without a second thought.

All I can offer you is support, and that I imagine all the pain and hurt you are going through. Hopefully someone here can relate more. You have to be one of the strongest human beings on this earth to still be standing. Maybe I can dig up 1% of your courage, and get through my situation as well. 

[Pretty Woman]

Jo, I am sorry you went through that.

There is no rhyme or reason to how someone could just up and walk away... .
because it's not normal behavior. I think all of us who have been left, in some capacity, understand the feeling of rejection and try to figure out what the heck we did wrong, what we could have done to avoid this.

Thing is this. It is what they are going through, NOT us. We cannot climb into their heads (thank God)!

Mine up and left with our dog. She moved five miles away with my replacement after telling me how much she loved me a day earlier. We were together three years. Within that first year I proceeded to hear I was slandered all over the place (mutual friends told me). I did not deserve this, however they don't have any control over painting us black. My ex absolutely loathes me and I did nothing to her. In fact, I threw her a huge birthday party two weeks prior.

The hardest thing is depersonalizing it but you have to or you will go nuts. There is no closure accept what we give ourselves and that is pretty much what we have control over:

ourselves.

Healing is a process but it's possible to be happy again, to trust again. It takes time and it takes delving into the darkest parts of ourselves to find the light.

[hurting300]

Mine did the SAME thing after 2 years I wasn't worth a goodbye.

[jo19854]

first of all, thanks for your kind support!
Indeed this is the worst thing i have ever have had to deal with and i am fighting every day, i do take it one day at a time.

I have had a lot of therapy. A member who i have spoken advised me to consider her as passed away, i practice this thought every day when i am struck by fear, tension and grief (it comes out of nowhere dozens of times a day)
I have no trust issues against women, but i am not ready for a new relationship.

The goodbey note i got was nothing, because the note she left confused me even more after she was gone.
It took me over 9 months to discover where she lived. I was the one who supported, nursed and payed for many years.
In 2008 she had a car accident, in 2010 a half a year in a nursing home, in 2011 3 months in a chair after a heavy foot operation, in 2012 a gall blather operation and in 2013/2014 a year of chemotherapy. Not to mention saving her teeth, legs operated, moles removed. costed alost 400k.

But anyway, i am dumped and it hurts, she just smiled when i went to work

Thanks again for the support

[hurting300]

first of all, thanks for your kind support!
Indeed this is the worst thing i have ever have had to deal with and i am fighting every day, i do take it one day at a time.

I have had a lot of therapy. A member who i have spoken advised me to consider her as passed away, i practice this thought every day when i am struck by fear, tension and grief (it comes out of nowhere dozens of times a day)
I have no trust issues against women, but i am not ready for a new relationship.

The goodbey note i got was nothing, because the note she left confused me even more after she was gone.
It took me over 9 months to discover where she lived. I was the one who supported, nursed and payed for many years.
In 2008 she had a car accident, in 2010 a half a year in a nursing home, in 2011 3 months in a chair after a heavy foot operation, in 2012 a gall blather operation and in 2013/2014 a year of chemotherapy. Not to mention saving her teeth, legs operated, moles removed. costed alost 400k.

But anyway, i am dumped and it hurts, she just smiled when i went to work

Thanks again for the support it's so weird reading this. My ex kissed me as I went to work. It's amazing how cold they can be.

[RealizationBPD]

Jo I can sympathize with your experience.  Having no closure is tortuous, much less having no warning this was going to happen.  I myself am at the end of BPD breakup.  My wife didn't suddenly disappear, but she did suddenly discard me and refuses to have any conversation of any substance the few times I have spoke to her since the discarding. 

My wife and I agreed to separate based off some non-sense she contrived in her head.  After 13 months, she came back home.  Eight weeks later on Thanksgiving, picked a fight (there was really no issue), throw all her stuff in her car and left for four months.  Then we got back together, we both made promises of what it would take to get and make each other happy, including her going to rehab for her alcoholism.  Everything was going as planned and things seemed great, then she started to act out of sorts.  I discovered she was back on the wagon again. After another argument, without notice she packed up and left.  She got her own apartment, but we continued to see each other off and on trying to make things work.  Every couple of weeks, I would stop by her place to see how she was doing.  She was always appreciative that I did. Until the this past day after Christmas.  I showed up at her house and when she saw me, she freaked out.  Wouldn't let in her apartment and tried to purposely make a scene in front of the neighbors and started yelling she was going to call the police. I didn't know what and the hell happened.

A couple of weeks later after we had spoken a couple of times on the phone, I thought things were better, I stopped by her place and the exact same sort of behavior occurred.  Long story short a couple of days later, I caught her out with another man and confronted them both--only verbally. There happened to be a cop in his car in the parking lot.  She flagged him down and made a scene.  The cop spoke to everyone and since nothing physical happened, there was no wrong doing and he suggested we go our own way, but she tried to get him to arrest me.

After that we have had only a couple of interactions with one another, due to working with at the same company.  She acts like I am dead to her.  Although we are still married, she has put on FB that she is in a relationship with this other guy. She still has many of her belongings that she has abandoned, including things I know are precious to her at our house. She hasn't done anything to file for divorce (however, I'm in the process).

Moral of the story is that from everything I have read and watched, this is the BPD narrative.  If they feel too close to someone they 'love' or loves them, they create drama to put distance between them and the non as this is what is familiar, what seems normal, or for fear of abandonment. This puts strain on the relationship and ultimately, they discard you without a blink of an eye.  In your case, if she is a silent BPD, all of the angst wasn't acted out and she just discarded you without warning because she was acting out internally.  The thing I am having a dilemma with is the lack of closure and what seems to be the lack of any moral fabric in her behavior.  Anyone who could treat someone who would do anything/has shown they would do anything for them--like this, has some serious character flaws.  This makes me question my own judgment as to how I could have chosen someone like this and who did I invest in all of these years with, because I don't think I ever really knew that person.

I wish you the best on your journey.  I don't have any advice as I'm still trying to figure it out myself.  The one thing I have figured out, is that I have to move forward to the next chapter in life and try to put this person behind me, sounds like you are already on that path.

[Emotions]

My story is the same with a few differences. I am trying to figure out the deeper issue of what happened. Although I triggered the abandonment card, leaving her to live with her mother for a few months without me, she managed to move on quite quickly. If she wanted to be with me she would say so at this point. I remember as I was driving away I had tears in my eyes, and she almost had a smile on her face. It seemed odd to me at the time, like how could she not be emotional or sad right now. Anytime I would get tears she would say oh my gosh don't cry again.  I told her I wanted to live with her and work things out, but she didn't want to dump someone (brand new guy) JUST to see if we can make it work. It wouldn't be fair to HIM. No thought about me whatsoever. A week or two before that she literally told me on the phone that she has a crush on someone and she hasn't had a crush on anyone in a long time. Insinuating that I should actually be happy to her. She said I'm her best friend and that I could still move in with her. I said if I do you can't sleep over at his house it would hurt to much, she thought about and texted me a few days later with the not gonna dump him it's not fair to him message. This is NOT the person I thought I knew, and for some reason I'm still not over her. Every day that goes by I hope to get strength, and I secretly hope that my replacement has to deal with what I dealt with, and then we can see his true colors. If he is strong and of good character than I'm glad for the both of them, if it starts to break him down and he doesn't seem as attractive or loses his interest in my ex, after the yelling and gas lighting than I will feel justified in some twisted way. Either way I can't wait for a few months from now where the dynamic shifts. I feel I can only go up from where I am if I continue to take care of myself.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Same experience would be appreciated.

Yep.  Married 5 years, but has run out 6x.  This last time (February of this year), I did nothing to try to get him to slow down, use his DBT skills, nothing.  I sent a note to his family letting them know the warning signs to watch out for and watched it burn.  They can not attach to others, so leaving has absolutely nothing to do with us in reality.

But keep in mind, they experience an external locus of control.  When things happen, to them it is ALWAYS someone else's fault.  So they will say it was your fault and bring a litany of flaws they have either manufactured or amplified, but they would run any time.  They have no internal responsibility.  So when they go, they go AND it's your fault, for all of it. 

I have tremendous empathy for their internal pain, but damn is it abusive on the outside.  I've spent the last few weeks doing my post mortem and found none of it ever had anything to do with me.  Selecting me as a caretaker / pseudo-parent was about finding that ultimate unconditional love that would require no maintenance of love towards me.  And then when I failed to be that benevolent parent without any needs of my own, the whole thing came crashing down.  We were on life support from the start.  If I could go back in time, I'd give myself a rather stern talking to about identifying what I needed from the relationship and holding myself accountable for checking against that at least monthly.  I'm looking forward to finding someone good, kind, compassionate, and loving.  Am now working on healing my own internal monologue so I don't keep attracting this type though.

It's tough, but I wish you happy healing!

[RealizationBPD]

H&P

Selecting me as a caretaker / pseudo-parent was about finding that ultimate unconditional love that would require no maintenance of love towards me.  And then when I failed to be that benevolent parent without any needs of my own, the whole thing came crashing down.

Damn that's deep. That was exactly my role and exactly how it ended with my BPD.

[JRT]

Really sorry to hear about this... .

There are others... .I am one of them, not sure if that gives comfort or not... .I was not as invested in my relationship as you were but it hurt and still hurts... .

Mine was a 2 year relationship... .although we had some strange breakups (that I later learned were called 'recycles' in BPD jargon. She was what I would later come to determine to be a waif or quiet borderline), we had a trouble free and loving relationship... .she had quirks sure enough but so do I... .she sold all of her redundant furniture and moved in to my house about 30 miles from her house and brought her minor son. I didn't even make the suggestion; she just moved. I was ok with it.

... .3 weekends after she moved in and 2 after we ordered our wedding rings I went out of town for a work meeting... .she notified me via text with a snarky message and a warning to never attempt to contact her again... .!  Then blocked me in just about ever place you can imagine... .AND demanded that people that I met through her do the same. Attempts to contact her were met with calls from the police and threats from lawyers to file a ppo. This from a woman that I don't think I ever had an argument or really even so much as a serious disagreement! Her reaction was as if she had real fear of physical threat! It was wild.

And with that, I never heard or spoke to her ever again. The last thing that I said to her was "good night, I love you too". Like yours, she left many of her things here than were more than only disposable sundries. That was 2 1/2 years ago. It blows my mind that she has never looked back and I bet that it does you as well.

Lots of post mess, too much for this space... .feel free to PM me... .

[RealizationBPD]

JRT,

And with that, I never heard or spoke to her ever again.

 

Really? That is crazy s&*t!.  Man I feel for you.  It sounds like everyone has had a rough time, but the reaction from your BPD after no problems at all is truly perplexing.  Man that's sad.  How can a person be like this?

[JRT]

JRT,  

Really? That is crazy s&*t!.  Man I feel for you.  It sounds like everyone has had a rough time, but the reaction from your BPD after no problems at all is truly perplexing.  Man that's sad.  How can a person be like this?

I wish I knew... .there was a point in time that I was convinced that I would eventually hear from her... .at this point, I am convinced that I never will.

[jo19854]

To all who responded, it was helpfull to me. I thank everyone a lot.
The cruelty of discard, sudden abandonment after 11 years, and vanishing without knowing anything, and never a peep is something i will never understand. Your replies give some comfort knowing i am not at fault myself.
In my profile there is the whole story in case you want to know how the madness BPD can be and what it can cause to others.
This in case you all might wonder how bad it can get.
Again... .to all who replied... .THANKS!

Jo

[RealizationBPD]

I read your profile and I feel the pain in your words.  I can't imagine not even seeing or hearing from her again.  It actually makes me angry that people can be so cruel to another that showed them such compassion. Some of our story is similar.  I too showed my wife compassion, loyalty, and dedication. I was understanding and encouraging through a lot of her heartache and mental health issues.  She had a daughter from another marriage that lived with her father, but came to visit many times a year and I treated her like my own.  Since we shared bank accounts, I helped pay her child support.  I also spent a lot of my time and money fighting court battles attempting to help her get her daughter back.

My wife too is an alcoholic.  She drank pretty regularly in our first couple of years.  During the first bout of trouble in our relationship, we went to counseling and the therapist recognized the family history of drinking and convinced her to quit.  My wife quit for 3 years. These were some of the best years of our relationship, as she was much more level headed. Then she started to drink again. At first it was just a glass of wine a day. That progressed to two. Within a year it was a bottle a night. At the end of our relationship, she was drinking about 3/4 gallon of vodka a week.  During this ramp up, she became increasingly distant, withdrawn, and ultimately nasty and mean.  I kept trying to encourage her to get help, she refused.

Around the beginning of the year, she discarded me.  We have to cross paths every now and then, for the most part she pretends I'm dead.  The few times I have talked to her, if I discuss our relationship, she freaks out and hangs up. She has a replacement lover now.  He is an underachiever and seven years younger than her.  She seems to be his sugar momma.  In three months, she has co-signed on a car loan with him.  Unbelievable!  I feel like we were on the path to a great life with each other, then she sabotaged everything. 

I realized reading your profile, that I too feel like I may be forever broken. However, I want another relationship and to feel the closeness with another women again. I just have to learn what attracted me to this type of person, so I don't attract one like her again.  We shouldn't let a broken person break us!