She says it was a lie that I told 8 months ago

[msh28]

She says it was a lie that I told 8 months ago, yet she found that out 2 months before we split up so I think it's more to do with the fact that she didn't want to tell me the real reason and just used that as an excuse.

I did have a gut feeling she was cheating on me but she'll never admit that. Other than that I didn't really give her a reason for her not to trust me but she'd always look through my phone thoroughly as if she knew exactly what to look for etc.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

What was the lie?

[msh28]

Basically I didn't tell her I used a viagra one time because I was having problems.

You know the funny thing is I think it was her who caused the problem and I'm still suffering from the effects of it now.

[Skip]

You used Viagra but didn't tell her and she ended the relationship? That's what happened?

[msh28]

Yeah, that's what happened.

It's so pathetic.

[Meili]

How am I supposed to get her back without explaining my side of the story?

By being attractive.

Telling someone that they are wrong about how they feel, think, and believe does not make you attractive to that person, it makes you uncaring.

Here's the thing, your old relationship is dead and over. You cannot change what has happened, you can only move forward from here.

I've long used the analogy that if you just look backwards while trying to move forward, you're bound to run into or off something and get hurt. Do you want to keep looking backwards?

[msh28]

I just want her back in my arms to be honest, everyone has said it's such a shame because we were good together apart from the arguments (which she can't see is her fault). We're both good looking, both have potential to go far and we could have helped each other out.

I can't understand why she's just closed me out of her life and continues to ignore me even though she is adamant there is nobody else. I just can't believe that she's in the house all day by herself and can't even reply to a text message... .

Then when I ask to see her it's always on her times, meet up for a coffee or something, it always has to be next week or two weeks time it can never be "oh just pop over for a coffee".

I don't get it and I feel like I'm missing something... .

[Skip]

Can she not see that she was the one in the wrong and not me, What the heck?

msh28,

You're just venting and not really listening to anything anyone is saying here to help you.

What do you want? We'd like to help you, but you have to step up.

Skip

[msh28]

I want to get her back, ideally but now I'm so far down her list of priorities it's like I almost don't even exist to her or enter her mind.

She's somehow convinced herself that I'm BAD everything I do is wrong if I ask a question she starts screaming. It's like one step forward and two steps back.

[Skip]

Before anything can get better, you have to stop making it worse.

You are doing the things that are well known to make matters worse.

It's like one step forward and two steps back.

This means you're going backward. Taking action that makes matters worse, resolution further away.

[msh28]

So I just ignore the problems that got us to this point in the first place?

What do I do instead then to get her back?

[Skip]

You "don't do something to get her back". She is not a lost possession. She is a human who will only return when she feels attraction to you.

Wanting to win an argument on who was wrong, stalking, being needy, over-pursuing, wanting her back like an object are all toxic ways to proceed. This has been said over and over.

She has every right to think what she thinks and to move on whether this meets your approval or sense of what is right and wrong. The idea that you are going to convince her that she was wrong, that she will apologize, and come running back is a formula to failure.

She will only return when she feels attraction to you. She will only stay if the relationship is rewarding (not punishing).

The first thing is you have to think really hard as to why she left. If you don't get your hands around this (and do it on your own with us), you are not going to have a clue as to how to become more attractive to her.

The Viagra lie some months ago is not what caused this relationship to end. She may point to that, but if you think about all the things she has said, you will be able to start seeing what bothered her.

To do this, you have to stop focusing on you obsession to convince her that what is bothering her has no validity.

Can you engage this thinking? Are you ready to do the work?

[msh28]

She left me because she "couldn't trust me".

But other than that we are both attracted to each other she just couldn't shrug off the fact that I'm having sexual problems due to something I haven't yet found out but it's possible it happened during sex with her.
.
My question is how to I get her to change her mind then? and trust me again if she can't even bear to see me? She's acting like I meant nothing to her and she seems like she's over me already even though she said something felt different with us.

I guess she just says that to everyone.