Responding to Questions about Your Family

[Peacefromwithin]

One time I was with my husband's family. His cousin was asking me questions about my family. The more questions she asked (where each family member lived, when did I see them last, etc.) the more anxious I got. The more anxious I got, the more confused and judging she looked. A friend recently explained that she was asking me questions like this to get to know me better. I didn't realize that. Maybe she thinks I didn't want to get to know her better, I don't know.

So I knew that going forward, I should not act anxious when asked about my family.

At a new church I go to, one of the very friendly ladies asked me about my family. It was on Easter Sunday/Passover, actually. I answered every question calmly and with a polite smile. I made it sound like my family lives far away and so I don't see them too often. But I could tell that she was building a judgement in her head about me. Like, that perhaps there is something very wrong with me that my family doesn't see me, instead of the other way around.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a similar conversation with another woman from church. I made the mistake of messaging her on facebook to try to explain the situation with my parents. The more I tried to explain it, the worse I made it for myself. And the bad part is, there's a written record of what I wrote. I know whenever I try to explain my family to friends, acquaintances, anyone, they are perceiving what I am telling them from THEIR OWN perspective as a parent or child.

I know the old saying "the apple doesn't fall from the tree", too. But in my case I've worked extremely hard to not be like them and to be healthy. I know I have to trust that if people want to judge me, that's their problem and that the people who truly take the time to know me as me, will see me for who I am, vs where I came from. You know that old saying "borderline babies"? It's a cruel reality among some psychology professionals. I'm going to assume that it's the incompetent, or burned out ones that say that. Because I know my last therapist and my current therapist would never say such a thing. And one thing I know for sure is that I am not my mother's child. I may have faults and things I'd like to change about myself, but I don't have an evil cell in my being.

Getting back on track here:

What advice and suggestions do you have for me the next time a well-meaning, curious, lady from church asks me a million questions about my parents and siblings and holiday plans? How do I answer these questions without sounding like a spoiled bad child who doesn't go visit her aging parents, or how to hold myself back from wanting to say "They're abusive, evil, (not my dad though I don't think he's evil, he's just a narcissist who doesn't mean to hurt ) manipulative mentally ill people incapable of love and normal healthy relationships, and so I have to set boundaries for my own sanity".

[SpinsC]

This will feel really strange and sound weird in your head (at least it does me), but a question is a request for information - NOT a demand. You do not owe anyone an answer. Yes, to be polite, you may choose a short answer, like 'It's complicated. So, did you like the song?' Anyone who presses at that point is being rude. You are allowed to answer things like, 'I choose not to talk about that.' or 'They have chosen one path, I am choosing another.' Then, move the conversation away from family of origin into family of choice or the asker's family.

I do understand how this is awkward. I'm the only child living in the same city with my elderly mother. None of us 7 kids had a great relationship with her. Only one still actively tries to help and visit. That is complicated, wouldn't you agree? I don't have to justify why it's complicated. I don't have to defend my stance on how it became complicated. I don't have to explain to anyone about my birth family. Neither do you.

Oh, I just thought of another distractor answer - 'Not all families are as loving and devoted as yours. So, how is so-and-so, anyway?'

I definitely understand that this being church, folks like to dig into each others' past. However, it really is none of their business. Who your family are and how they act is beyond your control. Still, I understand that you don't want to appear rude or off-putting.

Practice some of these and others you think of before you get to church. That might help you prepare for the next time the church lady corners you and gets nosy again.

[Peacefromwithin]

This will feel really strange and sound weird in your head (at least it does me), but a question is a request for information - NOT a demand. You do not owe anyone an answer.

Oh wow this made me breathe out a lot of tension I was holding. Can you tattoo this on my arm? . I was brainwashed and trained from a very early age to tell my family members every single thing they asked, no matter how private. My mother and sister were experts at doing this. I hadn't even thought that I have a right to say "It's complicated" and leave it that. WOW wow wow wow wow. I am writing this into the front of my Al-anon daily affirmations book right now.

Yes, to be polite, you may choose a short answer, like 'It's complicated. So, did you like the song?' Anyone who presses at that point is being rude. You are allowed to answer things like, 'I choose not to talk about that.' or 'They have chosen one path, I am choosing another.' Then, move the conversation away from family of origin into family of choice or the asker's family.

Wow I love this! Where did you learn this? And how can I communicate properly to my therapist that this is the kind of stuff I want to learn? I suck at communicating and asking for what I need. Actually you just reminded me. He did tell me before a family event recently to say "I choose not to talk about that today" and it was extremely helpful. It kept me calm which kept my husband calm. I do need to remember also to ask the person about their family. My therapist suggested this to me, too. I was able to do it at the recent family event, but not at church. I become like a deer in headlights sometimes and just shut down. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I do understand how this is awkward. I'm the only child living in the same city with my elderly mother. None of us 7 kids had a great relationship with her. Only one still actively tries to help and visit. That is complicated, wouldn't you agree? I don't have to justify why it's complicated. I don't have to defend my stance on how it became complicated. I don't have to explain to anyone about my birth family. Neither do you.

Yes, I do agree it is complicated. But I can feel how calm, and relaxed, and unperturbed you are by that level of complication. It's not making you anxious. You don't sound like you turn into a babbling fool like I do. I love this: "I don't have to explain to anyone about my birth family." I guess I am stuck in "pride", worrying about what people think, and I think I have to convince them that my family is sick and it's not that I am a bad person. I'm not sure why I'm still in that place. I shouldn't care what others think of me.

Oh, I just thought of another distractor answer - 'Not all families are as loving and devoted as yours. So, how is so-and-so, anyway?'

Oh that is a good one, too! I did tell the pastor that my family is abusive and kinda left it that. But then he started to go out of his way to make sure I wasn't feeling slighted, or I wasn't hurt, and it made me feel really uncomfortable. He's such a nice man, but I felt like he was treating me like a fragile flower. I appreciate the gesture, though. He is so kind. Maybe I shouldn't have told him I was abused, even if I just stated it like a fact, but I was trying to figure out how to tell him about my spiritual journey in 10 words or less, .

I love your reminder to deflect.

I definitely understand that this being church, folks like to dig into each others' past. However, it really is none of their business. Who your family are and how they act is beyond your control. Still, I understand that you don't want to appear rude or off-putting.

I do regret this. It's a tiny little church. I should've kept my mouth shut. Oh well live and learn. I'm friendly and happy there and I don't need anyone's approval. Yes I don't want to appear rude or off-putting and I don't want to appear like I'm a "bad child". It's more complicated ( it really is!) because I wasn't raised in the Christian faith and they all know I want to convert and one of the ladies who seems more nosy than caring asked me "are you going to tell your family or your husband's family?" And I was like "Noo they cannot know because they won't take well to it." Oops. I should have just nonchalantly said "I'm not sure yet" or something like that.

Practice some of these and others you think of before you get to church. That might help you prepare for the next time the church lady corners you and gets nosy again.

I love that idea! I need to practice when people give me advice. I always forget to practice. Or I get anxious that I'm going to forget the advice, and then I usually do but I think that's a self-fulfilling prophecy or something.

Thank you so much! 

[SpinsC]

Yes, I do agree it is complicated. But I can feel how calm, and relaxed, and unperturbed you are by that level of complication. It's not making you anxious. You don't sound like you turn into a babbling fool like I do. I love this: "I don't have to explain to anyone about my birth family." I guess I am stuck in "pride", worrying about what people think, and I think I have to convince them that my family is sick and it's not that I am a bad person. I'm not sure why I'm still in that place. I shouldn't care what others think of me.

Oh, sure, I SOUND confident and sure, but that's typing. Those calmer responses came at the price of irritating my siblings, nieces and nephews after Mom had pulled a particularly painful and expensive stunt on me and my marriage family. 

The bottom line truth about how I got to this place was learning from my kind older brother (there were two, one was not so kind). We both lived in this town with our Mom. The last name was enough to identify us as kin. Then, there was the fact that he favored Mom and I look like a clone of Mom. Questions were bound to come up. We appeared close, so I allowed that appearance to speak for itself a lot. Brother taught me a lot about how to deflect, use humor to disarm or distract, and simply answer as I described above.

I did just think of one other 'Christian' response that should shut down the pushy nosy ones - ':)on't you think that's more between me and God? I will pray and handle it with Him.'

Can you tell I dislike the nosy ones? They just get such a self-important idea that they have rights to dig into our lives and they don't. Those of us who were taught to be boundary-less struggle against that type. And they know it, it seems.

Oh - that's a great one - look into boundaries. I value my privacy and will not respond to those who attempt to invade my privacy. I give myself permission to be rude to those who persist after one (or two - choose then stick with it) polite, but distracting, comment.  *** I'm writing this one down for myself! *** 

[Peacefromwithin]

Oh, sure, I SOUND confident and sure, but that's typing. Those calmer responses came at the price of irritating my siblings, nieces and nephews after Mom had pulled a particularly painful and expensive stunt on me and my marriage family. 

I guess I have to practice. :-)

I did just think of one other 'Christian' response that should shut down the pushy nosy ones - ':)on't you think that's more between me and God? I will pray and handle it with Him.'

I love this!

Can you tell I dislike the nosy ones? They just get such a self-important idea that they have rights to dig into our lives and they don't. Those of us who were taught to be boundary-less struggle against that type. And they know it, it seems.

Excellent points.

Oh - that's a great one - look into boundaries. I value my privacy and will not respond to those who attempt to invade my privacy. I give myself permission to be rude to those who persist after one (or two - choose then stick with it) polite, but distracting, comment.  *** I'm writing this one down for myself! *** 

What an excellent solution. Thank you. :-)