I believe she knows that I can see her

[mistyeyes]

My BPD ex and I had been apart six months before she left a couple of items I had previously given her on my desk--a pink (her fave color) canteen and some expensive toffee--with a note telling me that if I left her her anything else, she would report me. I had left the items a couple of months after the break up as an olive branch since we worked for the same company, but no longer acknowledged one another.

It's been a year since she left the note and I went NC, but over the last year, I've received dozens of spoofed calls and hangups. I've since left the company, but although we didn't talk, while I was still working at the company, she cyber stalked me via the company's IM system. I didn't acknowledge it.

I recently downloaded Whatsapp and discovered that we were still contacts (I hadn't deleted her number and she hadn't deleted mine). In the month since I downloaded the app, however, the stalking has kicked in again and intensified. I use the app to talk to friends and family out of the country and have been using it quite a bit.

I didn't pay much attention at first, because I didn't understand all the features of the app, but two weeks into it, I noticed little things with her profile pic. Anyway, I've deliberately checked her profile and she is usually online at the same time and/or getting on and off at the same time.

I can block her or delete her, but I feel guilty. She seems to be in a tizzy as evidenced by the frequency and times she's on, including 1-2 am and I don't want to push her over the edge (codependency I know). She hasn't directly reached out, but interesting enough, since we've been on Whatsapp togther, the fake calls, hangups, etc., have dropped 95%.

I believe she knows that I can see her and her behavior and wants me to reach out. Sad thing is, I'm tempted to, but know it wouldn't be good since I don't think she has changed. Although we no longer work together, the note she left threatening to report me is still very unsettling. The idea that she would go as far as concocting God only knows what kind of story and jeopardize my job is hurtful.

I've been advised that she wasn't going to report me and that it was her way of trying to get a reaction and attention from me--but all she got was full NC. After the unsubstantiated threat, I felt like I didn't know her at all or what she was capable of.

Our relationship wasn't bad. It's just as we became more intimate she pushed me away and became silent for weeks on end, so I left.

I've done research on my own and have learned a great deal about the disorder, but you guys are the real-life experts and I could really use your support and advice. I don't want to do anything that wouldn't be in either of our best interests.

Thank you!
ME

[roberto516]

This might sound a little jaded but who cares about both of your best interests. Recovery from a relationship like this means you have to put yourself first. I've seen way too many people so far away from a breakup that they think they'll be alright with whatever happens and subconsciously keep doors open for contact "just in case".

I'm only saying this because I did. I blocked her on everything but really I didnt. I wanted a door of communication open in case she reached out. Honestly, if she's slowly occupying mental space again I would block her. If that's what you want. I'm only saying what I'd do.

Push pull is tough. Bevause you feel so close to reaching them and believing theres a chance until the next day when they disappear

[mistyeyes]

Thank you!

You are dead on and that's my dilemma. I have been focusing on me for over 18 months and doing well or so I thought until the Whatsapp thing happened.

I keep asking myself, what is it she wants from me? We've not spoken a word in almost two years. Was downloading Whatsapp a coincidence or some kind of sign since I had no idea she used the app? This is where I start to feel like we are connected in some odd way. Or perhaps, I just have a few unanswered questions.

So, you're right Roberto, it's tough. In close to two years of NC... .there has been indirect, hiding and stalking kind of contact and almost feels like we've not even been in NC.

Honestly, I think my biggest fear is that I'll take the bait and message "hello" or something similarly benign and she'll bail and not respond because she feels exposed and it this cycle will just continue and I won't get answers, so perhaps the best thing to do is to block her and change my number.

I've heard that she now has a dog and he's her whole world and she posts/videos about him daily, but even that distraction hasn't stopped her behavior toward me. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi mistyeyes,

I can understand your dilemma here. It sounds like you are making good progress, but there are some lingering doubts about your decision? Very understandable. Don't worry too much about these feelings since getting on WhatsApp, recovery has ups and downs and all arounds, in my experience.

Honestly, I think my biggest fear is that I'll take the bait and message "hello" or something similarly benign and she'll bail and not respond because she feels exposed and it this cycle will just continue and I won't get answers, so perhaps the best thing to do is to block her and change my number.

This very well could happen. I've seen it many times. On the other hand, if you want to contact her and find out how she is, you can do it without building it up into a big deal. Your fears and feelings around reaching out to her are giving you valuable information about where you are in your detachment process. I recommend listening to them, and giving yourself lots of self-compassion.

heartandwhole

[mistyeyes]

Thanks Heartandwhole!This detachment process sucks eggs! I was doing well and then the whatsapp thing happens. Speaks volumes as to where I'm at in my journey.

My friends say to just delete her from my contacts. Boy, if only it were that simple. Can you or anyone offer suggestions on how to reach out without having it be a big deal. Right now it feels like it would be and I don't want it to be. Her birthday is coming up and I thought about messaging a simple happy birthday and asking how she's doing. She can either respond or not respond.

I'm torn between wanting some kind of closure and deleting her number. We were friends first. She's a sweet soul for the most part. That's why the threat to report me for leaving trinkets several months prior, floored me because we hadn't said one verbal word to each other in nearly two years.

I have to admit that unfortunately, I did see a change in her behavior after the break. She never really talked to people in the office, but she appeared to be in a dark place after the breakup. When we had to be in the same meetings or attend office functions, she'd shut down. I witnessed the discomfort of being in my presence. Sometimes she seemed angry. Sometimes she seemed hurt. Sometimes she seemed childlike. Sometimes she seemed lost. Sometimes I'd catch her staring and she'd quickly look away. She always seemed to be in a disconnected state... .and I did feel a bit responsible and sometimes still do.

Sometimes she'd just appear or walk by a conference room I was in. Once she was ballsy. I was standing outside a coworker's cube talking to him. And while there was plenty of room to past me on the aisle, she deliberately walked right in between us, but did say excuse me. I laughed to myself and blew it off, although I suspect she wanted a reaction... .I didn't react.

Thanks again!

[heartandwhole]

This detachment process sucks eggs!

  I hear you, mistyeyes ! Been there, felt that, too.  

Can you or anyone offer suggestions on how to reach out without having it be a big deal. Right now it feels like it would be and I don't want it to be. Her birthday is coming up and I thought about messaging a simple happy birthday and asking how she's doing. She can either respond or not respond.

Well, this is about you and how YOU will feel if she responds or doesn't respond. That will give you good data about where you are. I also recommend reflecting on why you want to reach out. It's very understandable to look for closure, and you may or may not get it. Are you prepared for both eventualities?

I think reaching out when one feels detached is when it's no big deal. When we still feel attached and hurting, then contact can cause more pain sometimes, because we go in with expectations, even if we aren't conscious of them. Just something to keep in mind.

She always seemed to be in a disconnected state... .and I did feel a bit responsible and sometimes still do.

I can understand feeling responsible. And she is an adult who is responsible for herself. That doesn't negate wanting to help, love, and care for her. I know it's hard.  


How are you feeling today about contacting her, mistyeyes?

heartandwhole

[mistyeyes]

Thanks Heartandwhole... .
Sorry for the delayed response. Haven't been online in a couple of days. I wish I had come on and read your responses before today though. I reached out in an indirect way... .yesterday was her birthday and I sent a birthday message via whatsapp. It was very high level... .not personal or threatening or so I thought. Well my greeting was met with me being blocked. But I had already surmised that she would so I'm not too surprised... .maybe a tad bit disappointed.

After secretly watching me on Whatsapp so closely for the past month... .she blocked me after a birthday wish.

I'm not going to try and intellectualize why she did what she did because I did that for over a year after the breakup... .been there, done that... .without ever having any real understanding. That's why this forum is so helpful since it makes sure that us nons are taking care of ourselves first and foremost. I appreciate you!

Any thoughts?

[heartandwhole]

Hi mistyeyes,

I'm really sorry you got blocked. I know how disappointing that can be. I'm probably more sensitive than you, but I think I'd feel hurt.

I think you make a great point: understanding our loved ones is a good thing, but in this situation, don't break your head trying to understand why she reacted this way to a harmless happy birthday text. She has her reasons according to how she felt at the moment, and sometimes we can't get it.

I think your energy is better spent soothing your own feelings, and moving forward with your next steps.

How are you feeling about this today?

heartandwhole

[mistyeyes]

Thanks for the support Heartandwhole!

Actually, I feel good. Thanks for asking. I found out that when someone blocks you on Whatsapp, you can't see them, but they can still see you if they don't delete your # from their phone's contact list. So she made it so she could continue to watch me, but I wouldn't be able to see her watch me... .bizarre.

She hadn't deleted me because I could still see her name (no pic or status though) on my page. So, I removed her from my contact list and permanently deleted her so she no longer can see me. I'm over it!

I feel like I'm back to my normal pre-Whatsapp self. I needed for this to happen exactly the way it did. I admit that this experience has been the most painful and most humbling.

I've decided to stop making excuses for her behavior. Putting the energy into "self"... .

I was overly empathetic for a long time and even blamed myself when all I did was be nice. Now that I deleted her, I have to change my number in the near future because the crank calls are going to start all over again.

I'm still curious about one thing though... .how is it that seeing my "last seen"status on Whatsapp was enough for her to stop the crank calling? The crank calling came about as a result of me leaving the company we worked for together and she could no longer watch me online.

Is this behavior relative to object constancy or something? Perhaps that's another thread... .but that behavior still fascinates me. In essence, she won't talk to me, but she continues to watch me.

Again, your support is very much appreciated!

Me

[happendtome]

I found out that when someone blocks you on Whatsapp, you can't see them, but they can still see you if they don't delete your # from their phone's contact list. So she made it so she could continue to watch me, but I wouldn't be able to see her watch me... .bizarre.

No, if someone blocks you on Whatsapp then they cant see your online status either. I tried that myself. I blocked someone when that someone was online and after blocking i didnt see "online" status. After i unblocked i saw it again. Other things, like "last seen" you can change it on your privacy settings.

Other than that. If someone dumps you then you dont contact her/him. It wont change anything, you would only feed their ego. They have to contact you first and then you must be very business-like.
I know, i have done that same mistake myself too, but that lesson is now learnt.

[heartandwhole]

Is this behavior relative to object constancy or something? Perhaps that's another thread... .but that behavior still fascinates me. In essence, she won't talk to me, but she continues to watch me.

I totally understand the question; I've experienced something similar. I'd be careful, though, of BPD-izing all of her behavior. It's hard to say why she'd be keeping tabs on you. Maybe she is also having difficulty letting go?  There could be lots of reasons.

The good news is that you are getting stronger and focusing on yourself. It's hard to let go, and it hurts. Keep taking good care of you and your heart. Things will get better. That was my experience.  

heartandwhole

[mistyeyes]

Thanks Happendtome! Actually, I have contacts that I've blocked because I either don't know who they are or with whom I have very little interaction. I have a Blackberry and actually went into one of my blocked contact's and I could still see their picture, status and last seen, but could not send them a message unless I unblocked them. I deleted her number from my contacts list so now she can't see anything... .

As always, thanks for the support and encouragement Heartandwhole... .and the hugs! 

Me