It all makes sense now

[BBCakes]

I live in New Zealand and recently visited my mom and dad with my husband and 12 month old son.  We were only there for a week, and yet on the last day, my mom informed me in a matter-of-fact way that she's "done" with me and no longer wants to know her grandson.  She accused me of being an alcoholic and a neglectful mother - and that she was glad we live in another country so she doesn't have to watch her grandson grow up in a neglectful environment.  She had "proof" of my alcoholism and neglect from my Facebook page and also accused me of having been drinking heavily throughout our stay with her and my dad - all were either completely untrue or heavily exaggerated.  For the first time in a long time I fought back and stood up for myself (which in hindsight was so futile - but she really got under my skin!).  I was just so shocked by her accusations - just 12 hours prior to this, she had been telling me how much she loves my son and how much she will miss him when we leave tomorrow.  Just yesterday I received my birth certificate and social security card in the mail - from her - no note or letter, and the envelope neatly typed as opposed to hand written - so cold! 

She hasn't been like this in years - well at least not to me.  She's alienated most members of her family in a cyclical way for years, but never me.  I've always had her best interest at heart, perhaps always sensing she wasn't 100% "right".  Even though she seemed to enjoy tormenting me through my childhood - weeks of cold silence because she was angry with me and my dad... .for what I was never sure; taunting me by telling me one day I'd wake up and she would be gone.  The list of meanness goes on.  She once made me watch Mommy Dearest with her and I remember the hair on the back of my neck standing up and eyes widening as I started to see my own Mommy Dearest sitting next to me... .
Then sometimes she'd be fairly normal (or what I thought was normal?) - she'd take me shopping and shower me with presents - they just had to be what she wanted me to want.  She was never warm and cuddly though, even in these more normal periods.  I learned from a young age to never express too much emotion, especially anger or sadness.  If I did, she would tell me I was out of control and she couldn't handle me.  Yet she'd take me to see a sad movie and would criticise me for not crying ("You must have no feelings!". 

I've made a point to live abroad since the age of 18 (I'm 36 now).  And to seek many years of therapy.  But I'd never ever thought BPD!  I'm a psych major and I never thought about it!  I guess there's always been a piece of me deep down that has thought that somehow the problem really is with me - that I'm bad.  Or at least not good enough.  When we got back from our awful trip to visit, I began Googling "emotionally unstable mother" and the like.  I was flooded with articles about moms with BPD and could not believe the similarities.  It made so much sense! 

I don't think I will reconcile with either of my parents.  I'm more angry with my dad for constantly enabling her behaviour - I think it's out of his own fear and disfunction.  As horrible as I feel to admit it though, I think my mom has done me the biggest favour of my life.  I feel liberated (and then really guilty) and free (and then really sad).  But now putting all the pieces together, I feel like I can finally put my childhood traumas to bed.  Because my mother is unwell.  It is not her fault.  And I am an adult who can make my own choices and raise my son in a safe and loving environment - the one I so craved as a kid.  I've realised it's pointless to try to blame her because she will never see herself the way I see her. 

I'm so glad I found this website.  Hugs to everyone out there who has gone through or is going through this with a loved one.  We aren't alone.  And we aren't crazy.  xxx 

[KDRedfox]

I'm glad you posted your story. I'm in a similar boat except I don't have children .  I think what helps the most for me right now is knowing I'm not alone.   Thank you.

[wanderhorse189]

Hi BBCakes,

I am new here and read your story when I first came in. Thank you for sharing. I am in the same boat as you except that in my case, it is an older sister who recently broke her family relationship with me (actually, this is the 2nd time she has done it) over something that is utterly unreasonable and so "out there" that it is utterly bewildering. I can identify very much with your words "But now putting all the pieces together, I feel like I can finally put my childhood traumas to bed. Because my mother is unwell.  It is not her fault." I am grateful to know that I am not alone.

[k-bliss]

I totally relate to your thought process.  I've finally decided to really limit contact with my sister, and I feel so free (and scared) and hopeful (and sad) and proud (and guilty.).  So many mixed emotions.  Despite her abuse, guilt trips, and manipulation, I still feel so much obligation to her, and want to be a "good sister".  But I know I will never please her, and that I am her punching bag of choice right now.  It almost feels wrong to choose joy and happiness, but I MUST for my own dignity and the good of my kids.  Perhaps she will run out of punching bags and one day choose to get help.  Thanks for sharing your story.   You are not alone. 

[Peacewithin]

Hi, BBCakes and the other posters... .

(new band name?  )

"As horrible as I feel to admit it though, I think my mom has done me the biggest favour of my life.  I feel liberated (and then really guilty) and free (and then really sad).  But now putting all the pieces together, I feel like I can finally put my childhood traumas to bed.  Because my mother is unwell.  It is not her fault.  And I am an adult who can make my own choices and raise my son in a safe and loving environment - the one I so craved as a kid.  I've realised it's pointless to try to blame her because she will never see herself the way I see her."

Ah, I felt such relief upon reading this... .for you and myself.  I've also had the feeling that when she's really shown her BPD clearly that she did me a favor.  The clarity of what's been going on felt so good... .and I can so relate to the mixed feelings.  I've also been to therapy a ton and major partially in psych and have only recently realized that she likely has BPD.  It's such a gift when it all starts to make sense.  XOXO to you and best wishes as you move forward.