Responding to boundary violations without triggering rage

[PeaceHarmony]

Hi friends,
My question is how to avoid triggering him when I disagree with something he wants to do. Example - he decided he wants to buy a bike for $1600, but only has $1000 available for it (this is already a huge compromise from me) and I want to say "stick to the budget we decided on because the extra $600 is set aside for vacation as we discussed" but that would trigger him into a rage with accusations of me being controlling, "why do you have to argue with me about every goddamn thing" (his words), and other verbal abuse and blame which clearly lead to no resolution. All I want is to have financial security, be able to pay bills and take the kids on a decent summer vacation, but he can't let go of the urge to spend. Kind of like the screaming toddler in the toy aisle at the store when the patent says no to the toy they want. But I can pick up a screaming toddler and take them home to calm down - I can't do anything about him being like this. Is it fair for me to give in, again, and charge vacation on a credit card or not go at all so he can have the stupid bike? Very discouraging! I should mention that I fully involve him in our budget planning and bill paying (although he often says no thanks - just let me know the bottom line), and we supposedly make decisions together about big purchases, except the next day he finds "this one that is better and higher quality" or whatever and blows the decided-on budget... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[smart_storm26]

Hello friend,

First of all welcome to the forum. I understand what you are going through. Right now you are thinking too much about him and his triggers. Bring the focus back to yourself for some time.

Some important stuff here.


First face your fears. What do you fear right now? His triggers. Understand that if you do end up triggering his episode, it wont kill you. Your fear of doing that is killing you.


Secondly the only way you can improve your relationship with a BP and encourage him to change his destructive behavior is by setting boundaries.
If he is not matured enough to manage his finances well and is asking to buy something for $1600 when he only has $1000 then tell him politely that You would love to see him get that but you cannot help him with cash as you do not have spare cash. So he can feel free to make that money ($600) in any legitimate way he can and you will encourage him but you cannot help him with money. If he tells you to use your vacation money then again tell him politely that you want that money to be spent on vacation only and you will not spend that money on anything else.

This might trigger an episode. Be prepared. If you do end up triggering his episode and he starts accusing you, just politely tell him that you will again talk to him when he calms down and isolate yourself.

This is called setting boundaries. It does 2 things. Firstly it brings back some sanity to you. Secondly it helps teaching your BP which behavior is acceptable and which is not. It won't give you any immediate results (sometimes it does) but you will definitely see the benefits in the long run.

If you always give in to his game that what incentive does he see for changing his behavior?

[isilme]

You can't 100% avoid all BPD drama.  It is always there.  It is hardwired into his emotions, and is how feels "normal" to react. 

I pick and choose my battles.  If H is snitty and on the way to a bad mood, and tried to poke at me so he can start a fight to vent his emotions, I do my very best to validate what I can and avoid what I can't.

When H wants to do something like spend a huge amount of money we may not have... .I have to put my foot down and point out we can't do that right now.  He may get upset.  He may accuse me of blowing all our money.  He will insist he never buys anything, I buy clothes ALL the time, whatever.  I try to focus on the fact it's his out of control emotions speaking, mostly, and leave if I can to end the episode.

BPD causes poor executive control.  This means things that are "adult-y" can be really hard... .like saving money or staying on budget.  Time management and money management are hampered by emotions that tell you a new thing will make all those bad feelings go away.

You will disagree.  You will have to point out things he hates to hear.  That does not mean you walk on eggshells to never speak of them.  I actually went into some debt because I was afraid to state we could not do things when H wanted.  I am working out of it now. 

There is nothing wrong with picking a good time for the conversation, maybe at a point in the day when dysregulation is less common (H dysregulates BEFORE meals and bed, so for me, that's not the time).  But sometimes things MUST be said.

[waverider]

Finances are hard, especially when you are dealing with someone who operates on emotional impulses. Yes they will agree to a plan, they will even believe they can stick to it. Then the emotional impulse or perceived need comes along and trumps it all.

The hint here is he doesn't want to deal with the technicalities of how it all works, as he knows he can't handle that. You should accept that he can't and have your boundaries in place to stop him overriding "the plan" eg he can't access essential finances. This will bring on the extinction burst (initial tantrum). Dont give in or he will continue to use this as a' go to" means of overcoming these obstacles.

This is where you have to disengage and remove yourself over this circular debate. It is going nowhere. This also where you need another boundary about not going round in pointless circles. State your reality but dont keep on trying to sell it, he's not buying. But having said it you dont feel like you are stifling yourself.

You can't stop triggering rage you can only step out of its path.

Obsessions are like runaway trains, dont step on board, and dont stand in front of them, they will only run you down.