Divorcing BPD Wife

[Delly]

I'm divorcing my BPD wife (no confirmed diagnosis, just an informal diagnosis by a close friend who is a psychologist), as she is having an affair.  She is leaving my 4 children and me.  We've been married for 17 years.  As of now, we will have joint custody, but the children will be at home with me, except every other weekend.  I've got lots of questions on how to interact with her, and co-parent with her.  I'm concerned with how to talk to my children about their mothers behavior, while not hurting their relationship with her.  I want to be honest, but respectful of their relationship. 

Here are a few questions I have:

She is disassociating herself from the family (has a family history of disconnected relationships and parental abandonment), and seems to be content with not having the kids day-to-day (I'm certainly not complaining).  Is this a common BPD behavior?  Of course, she is involved in an affair.

Would it be likely that she would want to change this after her affair crashes?

Is dis-associative behavior common in BPD women?

Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

I'll comment on just a couple aspects, I'm sure others will come along an add their thoughts and experiences as well.

Most of the husbands who arrive here report their wives view their children as almost extensions of themselves, use the children as weapons and leverage, etc.  However there are some spouses who seem to drift away from the children and family and become absorbed in new adult relationships.  While that may be distressing and destructive to the marriage, it is somewhat of a relief that the conflict and struggle over the children is less of an issue.  Call it a mixed bag, so sad the spouse and children are abandoned for someone else but also less of a fight over custody and parenting time.  If you would ask here, probably many here facing years of continuing conflict would prefer the spouse to wander away.

And yes, once her new love interest decides to abandon her — or she gets preemptive and abandons him before he can abandon her — she may want to come back or get more parenting time.  Your goal right now needs to be documenting yourself as having primary parenting for as much and long as possible so that if she does try to change things later you'll be the one in the strong position for custody and majority parenting time.  'Gifting' her advantages now or later almost always turns out to be a form of self-sabotage.  While you aren't mean or vindictive, you do need to be the parent the children need.

Beware of being too fair, too nice, too whatever.  Courts generally don't care whether either parent is fair or not, after all, it's a judicial system not a justice system.  Yes, mothers often do get some default preferential treatment, but that means you don't have to go out of your way to be 'fair'.  Your #1 concern needs to be yourself and the children.  Repeat that ten times.  Sadly, by her actions you have to put her at a much lower priority.  (She's an adult, court will expect her to be able to stand on her own two feet.  Not so with the children.  They're minors and need solid parenting, which is where you step in.)

[RealizationBPD]

Sorry to hear you are going through this.   How old are your children?

[Panda39]

Hi Delly,

I wanted to share one of the tools from the co-parenting board and encourage you to post there with questions about your kids (the title of the board says "after the split" but it's really for anyone co-parenting with a pwBPD)

You might just tell them some basic information about your split particularly in terms of how the changes effect them (no need to get into mommy's affair).  That mommy and daddy aren't happy together anymore and have decided to divorce, that you both love them, and that your break up isn't their fault.  That they will be seeing both of you, that their school won't change (if it's not) etc.  be truthful if you don't know tell them you don't know, that the judge needs to decide etc.  Let them know that they might have more questions as you go along and to ask you if there is anything they want to know.

Ask them how they feel about things and validate their feelings... .

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feel

Validation is important for raising emotionally resilient kids, not only to help them heal from the stresses of divorce and having a mentally ill parent, but to help them gain confidence in their own abilities to solve problems. The simplest way to describe validation is that feelings and emotions can never be wrong. Validation is arguably the most important skill to learn as a parent, and it has far-reaching impacts for your child's emotional health. Because BPD parents often have very high needs for validation themselves, and very low capacity to validate others, your child will likely have above-average needs for validation from you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.msg12585648#msg12585648

I know none of this is easy and as adults we can get wrapped up in our situations and feelings but kudos to you, because your concern for your kids you can make a tough situation a little better for them.   

Take Care,
Panda39